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Original poster

Why do kids always pander to the mean kids?

66 replies

Scrubadubdub1 · 09/01/2026 18:22

There is a really nasty piece of work in my 9 year old DD’s class. She starts rumours, she puts “friends”down and always has to be better at everything and will very bluntly let them know it, she enjoys watching others discomfort to the point it’s almost disturbing, she is extremely cutting but will claim “it was just a joke” then turn the tears on and claim “so and so is being mean to me!!!!”, if anyone else is ever receiving praise or attention even if this is when they’re upset, she will find a way to engineer the spotlight back onto herself. She is insufferable. As you may have guessed, my DD has been upset too many times to count by this horrible girl, I have spoken to school numerous times and they have been totally ineffective.
Im doing all I can to build up DD’s confidence and make sure she has fun things planned for weekends, she goes to lots of clubs, but what absolutely baffles me is how this kid is pandered to by the others in the class. She’s invited to every party, despite being such a piece of work. She’s never called out on anything. I don’t understand how nobody sees through it, I know full well enough of them have been on the receiving end of it. DD tries her best to stay well away from her, but because this girl seems to have everyone in her thrall, I do worry this means DD is then by default avoiding most of the girls in the class at break times as they’re always with the mean girl who she wants to stay away from.
someone with experience of this stuff, please shed some light or impart some wisdom to make me feel better about it all please! DD is genuinely the most lovely little girl, she’s so kind and gentle, and in summary it really winds me up that she finds herself on the edge of the class in a bid to avoid someone who is truly horrible and I can’t see how nobody seems to see it!

OP posts:
RosieSpring · 09/01/2026 19:47

Scrubadubdub1 · 09/01/2026 19:43

@RosieSpring how do you advise your DD to manage it? And are your school any better at sorting it out?!

It took at long time, my DD was coming out of school upset at least once a week. I kept talking to her and let her talk to me about it. Now my DD tells her you arent being nice to me today so I'm not playing with you. I did have to involve the school at one point and they dealt with it quickly. The only thing that worked was telling the school they have a duty of care and my DD was being bullied.

Original poster
Scrubadubdub1 · 09/01/2026 19:43

@RosieSpring how do you advise your DD to manage it? And are your school any better at sorting it out?!

OP posts:
RosieSpring · 09/01/2026 19:41

A girl in my DDs class exactly like this! Even does the head down sad face coming out of class. Gets invited to all the parties, gets lesds in all the plays. Torments everyone in the class.
Edited to add: Createausername1970
What are you on about? Why should Ops DD make an effort to improve the relationship? Hmm

Original poster
Scrubadubdub1 · 09/01/2026 19:39

@Shenanigany I know of at least 3 parents who have approached her to talk about her daughter’s behaviour and she shuts it down immediately and says it doesn’t sound like her. When I say fawning; I mean the whole asking is she ok routine - maybe the first 20 times, but when it’s every day for 4 years now, and she’s got a reputation for being unkind, surely just ignore it

OP posts:
Whosthetabbynow · 09/01/2026 19:37

These children don’t change as they grow up. They become draining, bullying adults.

Shenanigany · 09/01/2026 19:34

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ButterflyBitch · 09/01/2026 19:30

Aparecium · 09/01/2026 18:25

Fear. Nobody wants to be on the receiving end.

This. I work in a school and it’s this.

Fridayhappiness · 09/01/2026 19:30

Scrubadubdub1 · 09/01/2026 19:22

Also how do I help my DD stand up to her when she targets her? She will do sly shitty things like throw a ball at her then give her a loser sign before giving her little mate a thumbs up to signal she’d got her.
DD is very intimidated by her and doesn’t ever tell a teacher because she’s worried about the repercussions of being accused of “being mean to X” - I then speak to the teachers only to get stupid responses like “yes, this is girls for you…” 😳

That’s bullying! And unacceptable! If the head isn’t going to do anything about it, go to the governors of the school. They will come down hard on the head / teachers to get this sorted.

Original poster
Scrubadubdub1 · 09/01/2026 19:29

@Shenanigany i do think flagging down cars to complain a child has played with someone else is unbelievable. And I do think the sense of entitlement is bratty. But when she’s not doing that she’s ok 😂

OP posts:
Shenanigany · 09/01/2026 19:28

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Lahdedah2026 · 09/01/2026 19:25

mindutopia · 09/01/2026 18:44

They definitely won’t forever. There was a boy like this in dd’s primary school. Always kicking off, always a victim, parents constantly coming in and kicking off, threatening the school and every single other parent in the year with legal action.

They are in Y8 now. Guess who has no friends? No one wants to be friends with a jerk. When they are still figuring it out, they don’t quite know how to respond. But as they grow up, children like that won’t be the ones with the nice friends. They’ll be the ones struggling and falling into bad crowds and being lonely.

This. I've met a few kids like this and it always ends the same, no one wants to be friends with them by the end

There's a mean girl in my daughters class ( Yr6 ) and she is constantly trying to draw DD in just so she can make a point of leaving her out or being unkind

My DD has got really wise to it now though & is polite but keeps her distance.

All you can do is encourage your DD to make friends with different children

Fridayhappiness · 09/01/2026 19:24

WhatIsTheCharge · 09/01/2026 19:17

Is she an only child by any chance OP?

Her mum’s behaviour sounds like an epic case of Precious Firstborn Syndrome 🫠🫣🫣🫣

Show quote history

Edited: Sorry, I thought you were talking about OP. My mistake.

Original poster
Scrubadubdub1 · 09/01/2026 19:24

@Shenanigany I don’t dislike the mum as a person, she’s perfectly pleasant to make small talk with, I don’t like how her daughter behaves and that she encourages her child to act the way she does.

OP posts:
AnSolas · 09/01/2026 19:23

Scrubadubdub1 · 09/01/2026 18:38

She genuinely is that bad - I’ve seen it with my own eyes numerous times, numerous other parents have mentioned their children having issues with her, she’s very sly and I think operates with the constant threat of tears and a big fuss to ensure her own way with lots of things. I’ve watched this for years now and cannot believe she continues to get away with it 😂

Shit school ethos add to the problem as lots of schools push the "lets all be friends" and your DD is taught and expected to forgive the nasty action because its easier for the school to manage than try to get her parents to work with the school to stop her being a bully.

And mostlt parents of victims dont want to make a fuss because they fear she will focus on their child full time.

Have you been pushed into going into the school and getting them put their anti-bully policy to work and come up with a proper plan of action to protect your child?

If you have do you think they can actually manage to prevent your child being bullied?

Original poster
Scrubadubdub1 · 09/01/2026 19:22

Also how do I help my DD stand up to her when she targets her? She will do sly shitty things like throw a ball at her then give her a loser sign before giving her little mate a thumbs up to signal she’d got her.
DD is very intimidated by her and doesn’t ever tell a teacher because she’s worried about the repercussions of being accused of “being mean to X” - I then speak to the teachers only to get stupid responses like “yes, this is girls for you…” 😳

OP posts:
Shenanigany · 09/01/2026 19:21

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Shenanigany · 09/01/2026 19:20

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Illegally18 · 09/01/2026 19:18

Aparecium · 09/01/2026 18:25

Fear. Nobody wants to be on the receiving end.

I agree. I noticed it at primary school, and have seen it as an adult.

WhatIsTheCharge · 09/01/2026 19:17

Scrubadubdub1 · 09/01/2026 19:14

Her mum is unbelievable to be honest. She has been known to flag down the car of another parent to tell them her daughter is very upset because their child played with someone else that day. I’ve known of a couple of parents who have tried to speak to her about her daughter’s behaviour, she says “no that doesn’t sound like her” and walks off. There’s a pattern of behaviour where if anything hasn’t gone to this girls liking, she will come out of school with a very well rehearsed head down sad face on, her mum will immediately loudly ask what’s wrong and then finger pointing begins at whoever’s not bended to her will that day. I’ve watched how everyone seems to feel a bit awkward and say “oh no, is she upset?” and ask if she’s ok, the kids all learn not to upset her or there’s the public finger pointing that her mum encourages, it’s never actually anyone’s done anything to her by the way it’ll be that someone’s played with someone else or someone else has done well at something and it’s “made her sad” that they’ve talked about it. Makes my skin crawl but everyone seems to fawn all over her and I’m in disbelief anyone’s giving her or her equally bratty mum the time of day

Is she an only child by any chance OP?

Her mum’s behaviour sounds like an epic case of Precious Firstborn Syndrome 🫠🫣🫣🫣

Fridayhappiness · 09/01/2026 19:17

Scrubadubdub1 · 09/01/2026 18:22

There is a really nasty piece of work in my 9 year old DD’s class. She starts rumours, she puts “friends”down and always has to be better at everything and will very bluntly let them know it, she enjoys watching others discomfort to the point it’s almost disturbing, she is extremely cutting but will claim “it was just a joke” then turn the tears on and claim “so and so is being mean to me!!!!”, if anyone else is ever receiving praise or attention even if this is when they’re upset, she will find a way to engineer the spotlight back onto herself. She is insufferable. As you may have guessed, my DD has been upset too many times to count by this horrible girl, I have spoken to school numerous times and they have been totally ineffective.
Im doing all I can to build up DD’s confidence and make sure she has fun things planned for weekends, she goes to lots of clubs, but what absolutely baffles me is how this kid is pandered to by the others in the class. She’s invited to every party, despite being such a piece of work. She’s never called out on anything. I don’t understand how nobody sees through it, I know full well enough of them have been on the receiving end of it. DD tries her best to stay well away from her, but because this girl seems to have everyone in her thrall, I do worry this means DD is then by default avoiding most of the girls in the class at break times as they’re always with the mean girl who she wants to stay away from.
someone with experience of this stuff, please shed some light or impart some wisdom to make me feel better about it all please! DD is genuinely the most lovely little girl, she’s so kind and gentle, and in summary it really winds me up that she finds herself on the edge of the class in a bid to avoid someone who is truly horrible and I can’t see how nobody seems to see it!

Oh they do see it! They just don’t want to be the one on the receiving end, so they cosy up to her as much as possible, to be liked. Simple as!

She’s in for a shock when she gets to secondary though, she’ll no longer the queen bee. The pandering stops as there are so many other nice girls to meet and hangout with. In Primary they are limited, usually just to their 30 classmates - 15 girls. It’s tough.

FunnyOrca · 09/01/2026 19:15

Your daughter is doing the right thing. In my experience as a teacher, the girls doing this often have very unhappy home lives.

The hangers on can’t articulate it, but she has a power over them where they are hoping not to be her next target and because she is targeting, they feel extra special to be trusted and approved. It’s twisted.

Original poster
Scrubadubdub1 · 09/01/2026 19:14

Her mum is unbelievable to be honest. She has been known to flag down the car of another parent to tell them her daughter is very upset because their child played with someone else that day. I’ve known of a couple of parents who have tried to speak to her about her daughter’s behaviour, she says “no that doesn’t sound like her” and walks off. There’s a pattern of behaviour where if anything hasn’t gone to this girls liking, she will come out of school with a very well rehearsed head down sad face on, her mum will immediately loudly ask what’s wrong and then finger pointing begins at whoever’s not bended to her will that day. I’ve watched how everyone seems to feel a bit awkward and say “oh no, is she upset?” and ask if she’s ok, the kids all learn not to upset her or there’s the public finger pointing that her mum encourages, it’s never actually anyone’s done anything to her by the way it’ll be that someone’s played with someone else or someone else has done well at something and it’s “made her sad” that they’ve talked about it. Makes my skin crawl but everyone seems to fawn all over her and I’m in disbelief anyone’s giving her or her equally bratty mum the time of day

OP posts:
Wisperley · 09/01/2026 19:13

The 'popular' girls are not the nicest girls unfortunately. Your dd is unlucky that there's one of these characters in her class. My dd had one in infant school, but I requested in the move to junior school that she not be in a class with her. I was aware that there might be another such child of course, but there wasn't. Same with the move to seniors - lovely group of friends. The original girl has caused loads of trouble meanwhile, with other children.

Basically, people are afraid to be the next one in this child's sights. They know she's not nice, but are afraid of her.

I'm not sure what you can do, but the first opportunity you get, get your child away from her.

Thunderdcc · 09/01/2026 19:12

Yep fear and also it is hard at primary school - if you tell the mean girl to fuck off, she will cry, go to the teachers and they'll tell you off for being unkind. DD2 is just trying to get through Yr6 at the moment and when she goes to secondary hopefully she can leave these manipulative shits behind and see if she can find some vaguely normal friends.

5128gap · 09/01/2026 19:11

They're frightened of her. She has taken the social power by force of strong will and confidence and keeps it by punishing other DC who step out of line, with her insults and social exclusion. It will continue until she encounters someone who matches her will and confidence, at which point the other DC may trade one leader for another. The reason its happened is because at present there is no one in the group with her strength of personality.