Why do kids always pander to the mean kids?

They’re afraid of being the next target, so they suck up.
There was one such in my form at senior school. She was a tiny little thing, but absolutely poisonous. She gathered a little coven around her, who joined in with her nastiness and bullying.

It died down a bit as they got older, at least by 6th form, but that chief bully went on to be a primary teacher, and I’ve often felt for the poor kids who were landed with her.

Jelaousy?

Had experience with a similar scenario, twice. Parent was as much work as a child, queen bee type of dynamic and there was no point approaching them. Finding a group of friends who were not bothered with being 'popular' and more able to resist the pull into the drama circle helped, but yes, it was frustrating and difficult experience on both occassions. Happened around the same age too as your DD.

Well the mother sounds like a nasty piece of work herself! Who the hell flags down other parents cars to demand why her child hasn’t been played with?! She’s manipulative and also teaching her child the same shitty behaviour hence she also has a victim mentality. Hideous.

I can guarantee that the other parents are wary and intimidated by the mother and don’t want to get on her bad side either. Which is pathetic but from experience, a lot of parents toe the line and keep quiet because they don’t want their child to become ostracised/unpopular.

so it’s no wonder that the kid is turning out to be a little shit. She’s observing and learning all of this from her own mother!

the problem is that this kid sounds so sly and devious that she’s probably doing things that the teachers aren’t seeing. Having said that they should take your concerns seriously rather than just brushing it off.

Really not sure what the answer is apart from your daughter keeping a wide berth or alternatively a hard slap or punch might just do the trick. The nasty little bitch deserves it.

Dd at primary used to read in the library or hang out with the gentler boys.

At 17 Dd is extremely popular now because she is kind, good fun and glamorous. The mean girl who is not any of these things is now quiet and meek. Time may well resolve!

The kids are scared of her.
If they're her friend, she's more likely to be nicer to them. If she's not their friend, she'll be even more horrible to them.

I don’t mean that’s the reason for the child’s behaviour…..I meant the mum.

The way OP describes the mum’s unhinged behaviour seems to me like she’s not used to dealing with child-on-child conflict in her own house, so her DD always needs to come out on top because that’s the status-quo at home. If the child doesn’t have any of the normal, sibling spats at home, mum doesn’t experience refereeing that. So when her kid feels slighted or upset at school she can’t handle that either

Because when we did Brexit, we no longer have the same access to Europe’s markets and rely more on America economically than we did previously. Farage’s party have been paid off with Russian money and Brexit hurt us economically and politically.

There is one of these in DD's year. Apparently if someone refuses to play with her she tells on them and they get into trouble. If they play with her and don't do what she tells them, she tells saying they have been mean and they get in trouble. I said to her to not worry about gettting in trouble and i would back her but the thought of being told off gives her anxiety. So DD and I worked on a strategy where if this girl asks to play she says OK in a very neutral way, and then plays with her in a very 'boring' way, not saying no but not showing much enthusiasm. Basically does enough to not get in trouble but this other child quickly bores of her and leaves her alone.

As PP said: no one wants to be on the receiving end. But sadly if they are cool enough ( sporty, rich, attractive, funny) they will get away with it and still have friends/ be a leader/ popular person. You need to help your kid understand that not everyone will be a good friend and find friends elsewhere. It can be tricky if kids still want to hang around with that mean kid and they become a whipping boy / girl.

I think you should tell the school that this child is causing problems and ask the form teacher to separate her from your child, and keep them apart. Tell the other parents (quietly!) that you've done this.
During my teaching career, I once had a Year10 class turn on the sweet-faced bully in their midst. Her parents complained loudly about Miss Precious being victimised, but I had great pleasure in telling the avenging deputy head that she'd had it coming. It cost me my coffee break, but it was worth it...

I said what I said because I was responding to the OPs first post, and it could have been six of one and half a dozen of another at that point.

Obviously you have had the benefit of all the OPs subsequent updates which does indeed paint a different picture.

Some good books

https://www.amazon.com/Bullies-Bigmouths-so-called-Friends-Alexander/dp/0340911840#averageCustomerReviewsAnchor

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Stick-Up-Yourself-Personal-Self-Esteem/dp/1631983229

I talked a lot to my kids and my youth group about healthy friendships, resilience and fake friends. Not being nice to people who are mean, ignoring vs confronting etc
Quite a hard social skill tbh it's very tricky but you sound like you're doing all the right things

@WhatIsTheCharge your comment really rankles me - I know plenty of only children (am a teacher) and this isn’t a reason for this behaviour

I think sometimes bad behaviour goes unchallenged because its difficult and upsetting to take on. So people take the easy option. I know someone like this- she has been awful her whole life and got away with it for years. I once asked one of the adults in the family why they let it go and they said it was just easier.

The school should be doing some lessons on friendships and what makes a good friend. I’m sure there’s lots of pshe lessons online if they cared to look. Unfortunately the other girls are weak, equally as bad or scared too. Hopefully the wee madam will meet her match. Or she’ll continue to bully her way through life. Please don’t let this drop.

People are trying to avoid confronting the parent. Who may be similar. But bigger.

Arrange to speak to the school with the other parents. This child is a manipulative bully and her mother is as bad. Go to the school , then the board of governors. Don’t let this drop as children like this can cause real emotional damage to others.

Sounds like the alpha girl at our school's mum. She will side with her dd no matter what. I wonder if she bollocks her when home but I doubt it.

This, absolutely!

Mostly fear of being picked on, but my 11yo puts up with a mean girl because she's worried that if she doesn't she'll lose the whole friendship group and she doesn't want to risk it 😔

There was a girl like this in my class. Let’s call the bully Bella.

My family complained to the school but they did nothing, just the usual ‘girls will be girls’ nonsense.

At that time a new student with a learning disability joined us from another school. She appeared quiet and placid.

But when our resident bully attempted to tease this new girl in the toilets, she immediately kicked Bella in the stomach, winding her. Everyone watching did nothing. Then as Bella was doubled up, she was kicked in the face, breaking her nose. There was blood all over the floor. The school finally did a proper investigation. Bella never bullied again. Soon after, we all went to different secondary schools.

Years later, I found out from a mutual acquaintance that Bella’s father was abusive and her home life must have been unhappy.

It was a mess that could have been solved earlier if the school had acted properly in the first place.

So the moral of the story is to hold the school to using their anti bullying policy. Complain to the governors. Take it as high as you need to.

The child in me feels that Bella got what she deserved but the adult in me wishes she had been protected.

There is a girl like this in DDs class. I encourage DD to play with the boys, didn’t make her invite this girl to her party, and when I can I make DH pick the kids up for school so I don’t have to deal with her mother lol.
I also taught her to greyrock this girl, explained it in a simplified way though as she’s 6, but it works alright for her. She knows DD isn’t a good target because she doesn’t react much. I think it helps she knows I won’t make her invite this girl anywhere and that even if her mum does whine at us, me and her dad won’t tell her off for not playing with her.

Why does Starmer pander to Trump?