I'm not sure what I want to gain from this post, maybe just to get it off my chest, or if anyone has been in a similar situation what they done etc.
As the title suggests, my partner paid for girls on OF. I found out while I was pregnant with our first, we weren't living together at this point.
I saw a notification pop up that a subscription of £1.35 was about to come out. I stupidly didn't think too much about it but then later did some snooping, got onto the account but I couldn't find anything, confronted him about it, we argued, he said it was something from before we were together, we then decided to sort it out and I deleted the account.
Fast forward 9 months (after still thinking about this) I snooped and found that he had spent thousands on this website while we were together and while I was pregnant, the dates he had done it were after things like my birthday, Christmas, going on holiday together. It really made me sick to my stomach. In one single day he had spent over £500 on this site. Yuk. We argued again, I was more annoyed that he had lied saying it was before me. (Granted it started before me but still..he continued it while we were together) he even done it at bloody work.
Anyway, silly me worked it out with him, all the promises la-de-da. Fast forward a few months, he started searching these girls on google, images and videos all sorts (and I'm pregnant again with our second.) Whew the hurt i felt. I lost my sh*t.
Silly me again, I've stayed. I'm still hurt. I look at him so differently now, I feel like I'm not good enough, my looks aren't good enough for him or my body. It's a horrible feeling.
He's accepted he had a problem (I've called it an addiction) I've told him point blank he's out if he pulls any of that ever again.
If we ever have any petty arguments I'm bringing it up, I don't stop thinking about it, I cry often over it and I'm not quite sure how to stop feeling this way? Or even stop thinking about it. In my head he's cheated on me. And in a recent argument he said he paid to chat to them. So paying to chat to these girls online while with me.
He says I need to stop thinking about it because it's going to loom over us and break us apart, but I can't help it. It makes me feel physically sick. Literally it crosses my mind daily, I sometimes hate him for it. No idea what to do about it.
So there's my rant 🙃 inputs welcome but please no hate on me