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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Partner paid for girls online

60 replies

Zobear · 09/01/2026 17:41

I'm not sure what I want to gain from this post, maybe just to get it off my chest, or if anyone has been in a similar situation what they done etc.
As the title suggests, my partner paid for girls on OF. I found out while I was pregnant with our first, we weren't living together at this point.
I saw a notification pop up that a subscription of £1.35 was about to come out. I stupidly didn't think too much about it but then later did some snooping, got onto the account but I couldn't find anything, confronted him about it, we argued, he said it was something from before we were together, we then decided to sort it out and I deleted the account.
Fast forward 9 months (after still thinking about this) I snooped and found that he had spent thousands on this website while we were together and while I was pregnant, the dates he had done it were after things like my birthday, Christmas, going on holiday together. It really made me sick to my stomach. In one single day he had spent over £500 on this site. Yuk. We argued again, I was more annoyed that he had lied saying it was before me. (Granted it started before me but still..he continued it while we were together) he even done it at bloody work.
Anyway, silly me worked it out with him, all the promises la-de-da. Fast forward a few months, he started searching these girls on google, images and videos all sorts (and I'm pregnant again with our second.) Whew the hurt i felt. I lost my sh*t.
Silly me again, I've stayed. I'm still hurt. I look at him so differently now, I feel like I'm not good enough, my looks aren't good enough for him or my body. It's a horrible feeling.
He's accepted he had a problem (I've called it an addiction) I've told him point blank he's out if he pulls any of that ever again.
If we ever have any petty arguments I'm bringing it up, I don't stop thinking about it, I cry often over it and I'm not quite sure how to stop feeling this way? Or even stop thinking about it. In my head he's cheated on me. And in a recent argument he said he paid to chat to them. So paying to chat to these girls online while with me.
He says I need to stop thinking about it because it's going to loom over us and break us apart, but I can't help it. It makes me feel physically sick. Literally it crosses my mind daily, I sometimes hate him for it. No idea what to do about it.
So there's my rant 🙃 inputs welcome but please no hate on me

OP posts:

HereForTheFreeLunch · 10/01/2026 09:32

This will eat away at you - you will resent him and hate him . That's not a relationship you want to model for your kids.

Notrees · 10/01/2026 00:21

Leave. You can support yourself and your kids. His attitude, if you stay together will pull you apart. You know he's a shit. He wants to belive he isn't. I, personally, think he is. But you both have different opinions on what makes a sound partner. Trying to make yourself different to suit him diminishes you. If you are smaller, then you are less effective as a parent. Again, my personal opinion, but he knows he's horrible. Just hoping he can pressure you into putting up with it.

RideTheGoat · 10/01/2026 00:14

My concern is this will eat you up inside until you're just a shadow of your former self.

OP the damage has been done and I'd bet a winning lottery ticket that you will never ever feel the same way about this man again.

I can imagine you're thinking of all sorts of reasons why you shouldn't leave - giving birth to his child without him there probably being right at the top of the list. For this reason, you will stay. It will happen again, but even if it doesn't. Can you spend the rest of your life with someone you despise?

Endofyear · 09/01/2026 23:22

Yes silly you indeed. He's shown you exactly who he is and you're still with him? Honestly, just leave. You deserve SO much better than him!

Lamentingalways · 09/01/2026 21:41

Zobear · 09/01/2026 20:47

This is exactly how I feel.
Are you still with him? I'm sorry you've been through it too

Show quote history

Yes. It’s pathetic I know. I don’t want him.

TheNameWasOnceChosen · 09/01/2026 21:41

Its not difficult, and you sound like you have a head on your shoulders ( no married/no bank sharing) but get ride of the lying, cheating bastard.

Jinglejells · 09/01/2026 21:37

As you have said silly you.
youre in this situation because you made the choice to be. You have all the information at hand, proof so what can anyone tell you?
if you stayed through the worst then nothing will make you leave. Don’t you want better for yourself, your kids? This man won’t change but you can choose how your life turns out.

LAX12 · 09/01/2026 21:18

I understand why people are saying leave, of course. However - you have two children with this man. Perhaps if he were to receive help he might have a chance to prove himself to you (I understand he has let you down multiple times) but PROFESSIONAL help, therapy. It depends on how many ‘second’ chances you want to give. He’s acting like he’s got 9 lives, maybe you ought to put the fear in him?

On the other hand, I totally get why you would want to leave. It’s so sad he would place these women who just want his money above you. The modern world is a miserable place at times. I would withhold any sex until you feel like you’ve come to a decision. Hold your power! Be strong, it’ll be ok ❤️

FOJN · 09/01/2026 21:02

You found out he was using these sites and you stayed.
You didn't trust him so you snooped and found not only was he was still doing it but it was a much bigger problem, in monetary terms, than you originally thought.
You believed his bullshit and not only stayed but decided to have another child with him.
You still didn't trust him, snooped again and found out that despite his promises and having children to support he is lying to you and still spending money on OF.
And you still haven't ended the relationship.

What reason does he have to change? You have shown him time and again you are not happy but you're not going anywhere.

He will not change. If this is not the life and relationship you want for yourself you need to leave. You have full knowledge of how he behaves so if you stay you will be choosing a deceitful man who would rather throw money at strangers for wanking material than use that money to support his family.

He is what he is, it's your call.

Original poster

Zobear · 09/01/2026 20:47

Lamentingalways · 09/01/2026 18:55

Don’t end up like me. I stayed twice (well actually I stayed because it’s my house) but I should have insisted he stayed gone and changed the locks. You won’t get over it fully. It’s been 5 years since the 1st time and 2.5 years since the 2nd time and sometimes when I think about having sex with him I think ‘nah, you wanted to look at someone else while I was downstairs looking after our kids didn’t you?’ That’s not normal. I don’t even look to see if he does it now (probs does and even if he doesn’t I will never believe him) because I don’t actually care and I wish he would leave. So yeah, go now while you can, I doubt he’ll change.

This is exactly how I feel.
Are you still with him? I'm sorry you've been through it too

OP posts:

beAsensible1 · 09/01/2026 20:41

You need to leave. You haven’t forgiven him nor do I think you can. Why are you tormenting yourself.

yes he may have an addiction etc but that doesn’t mean you will be able to forgive him or move on from what he’s done. You can’t stay with him like this it’s not fair to either of you

Suusue · 09/01/2026 20:39

Leave him. He is not worthy of you or your children. He will never ever stop this.

Netcurtainnelly · 09/01/2026 20:36

FrightfulNightfull · 09/01/2026 20:14

Come on OP - please don’t think he’s just “chatting” .. he is paying for watching these people perform sexual acts for him to masturbate to - they can see each other.
I have no idea what this prince of men thinks is going to happen to his finances as he carries on with this..
But he’s not saving for his children is he?
He isn’t taking you on holiday or for dinner or treating you in any way, is he?
He is paying back THOUSANDS of pounds for a wank. That’s how pathetic this is. There’s plenty of free porn out there but there isn’t the same interactions if you don’t pay for it as you get on Only Fans..
Call it an addiction if it makes it more palatable but I’d be ending any future you and him relationship beyond co-parenting.
I couldn’t look at him.

Surely a stable loving relationship is better than a cheap thrill.

Shadesofscarlett · 09/01/2026 20:36

why did you not get rid first time round? surely you know you deserve better. sorry but i would recommend STI testing. How do you know he has not pushed this much further. You also know he is not going to stop, he will just try to hide it then blame you for bringing it up or breaking up the family! Also do not justify this as him being a victim with an addiction. He is choosing to cheat and objectify women while you are pregnant. He is an utter disgrace of a man.

wrongthinker · 09/01/2026 20:33

He won't change, OP. He'll only get more and more arrogant.

Leave him.

Lucyccfc68 · 09/01/2026 20:25

He has been caught twice now, so 100% he’ll still be doing it and you’ll catch him a third time. It’s not an illness nor an addiction. He is a selfish, sleezy, perverted wanker.

There is only 1 way you can move on from this for your own sanity and self esteem and that is to get rid of him.

O00ps · 09/01/2026 20:22

Could you please list the reasons you want to continue this relationship?
It's not very obvious from an outside perspective

UncannyFanny · 09/01/2026 20:21

Some people just don’t learn 🙄

JillyGiraffe · 09/01/2026 20:20

I voted YABU for the fact that your unsure what to do…

lovecheesymash · 09/01/2026 20:18

You don’t know what to do? Of course you do.
Do you want to continue to live with this creep?

Katflapkit · 09/01/2026 20:16

He wont stop because you're not going anywhere. For all your tears and threats, you are still around, saying if you do it again ...... You are second guessing yourself, thinking you're not good enough but HE is not good enough for you. Now he has put the problem on your shoulders and made it your responsibility by saying 'Stop thinking about it or it will break us'.

FrightfulNightfull · 09/01/2026 20:14

wizzywig · 09/01/2026 20:13

Would he accept this from you?

mamajong · 09/01/2026 20:01

Read your post back and ask yourself what advice you would give if this was a friend? Your 'd'h has got into debt cheating on you, taking money out of the pot for your family. Why on earth are you still with him, and enabling this behaviour? Its a damn sight harder on your self esteem staying than it is leaving. You deserve so much more than this, honestly you do.

TheSalvadorsStickbymebaby · 09/01/2026 19:51

What happens to when looking isn't doing it.
Escorts won't be far away.

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