Sister ruined Christmas with stupid affair drama - AIBU to be really stressed?

My take on it is -

Your parents are overstepping Bs boundaries and always asking her about it. She doesn't want to tell them and is getting cross that they won't respect that. That's why they're tiptoeing on eggshells round her as if she's the problem, because they think they're entitled to information about her, so they think her not telling them is the problem and they can't see how rude they're being always asking and that she's justified in being cross with them. I'm guessing it's this because my parents do the exact same thing.

Since they can't get information out of B they ask you to be their flying monkey and obtain it instead. This part you can control. Tell them no. If you do have information about B, refuse to discuss it with or pass it onto, your parents. They have no rights to know anything she doesn't want to tell them.

They don't have rights to use you as flying monkey either. If they get cross with you for refusing to do what they want in obtaining and passing on information, recognise their rudeness in that and respond to them as you would to any other rude person, which might include choosing not to hang out with them if they keep being rude. Just because you share DNA doesn't mean they're entitled to your company. If they keep stressing you, don't spend time with them.

You've been brought up to gossip and to think it's normal and ok. It isn't. You can change that by refusing to participate. If you must discuss your thoughts about B with anyone, make it your DH. Don't discuss her with other family members. If other family members try to drag you into gossiping, respond only with neutral comments like "she's an adult, I'm sure she'll work it out". Don't give a judgement or personal opinion, keep those thoughts to yourself. If you're inclined to gossip in general, ask other non-gossipy friends to point out if they notice you doing it. That way you can start to recognise it yourself and re-train yourself to be nicer. You can tell people it's your new year's resolution.

You're going to have to be really blunt with B, even if it pisses her off. If you tell her you don't want to talk about something and she keeps on, literally tell her to shut up.

Yes, it's rude, but so is she being rude by not respecting your wishes. Rude people often don't understand or pick up on subtlety, or if they do they ignore it because they want to carry on as they are. It's not at all subtle saying you don't want to hear about something, so if she's ignoring even that level of directness, you're justified in being incredibly blunt to the point of rudeness.

Don't feel guilty about it and if she gets cross with you and starts having a go at you, don't tolerate that either. If she doesn't want to face rudeness, she shouldn't dish it out. If she respected your wishes not to hear about it, you wouldn't have had to resort to rudeness to get her to shut up.

Tell B you're really busy at the moment and can she please text or call first if she wants to come over. If she shows up without doing this, it's ok to not answer the door. If she calls or texts first or gives you a chance to say if it's convenient for her to drop by or not. You don't have to give her access to your home just because she doesn't want to hang out in hers. It's not as if she's trying to escape domestic abuse.

Not sure you're asking for opinions on B or not but I do think she's right to leave the relationship because she wants DC and her husband obviously doesn't like them. IMO he has been stringing her alone with false hope that he might change his mind, hoping to do that until her fertility runs out so then she thinks there's no point in leaving him because her chance at motherhood is over anyway. Meaning he gets what he wants: to keep their relationship but not have DC, it's a mean approach that doesn't consider Bs happiness in life. No reason she should put up with that.

If she's got BPD she should get help before she fucks up any DC she has by neglecting them emotionally. If she can't even cope with her own emotions as a single woman, it'll be a whole lot harder looking after herself as a mother and being responsible for DC's emotional/physical wellbeing too. So seeing atl therapist to work through her situation is a good idea. It's not your job to make her do it though.

I'd run a mile from the creepy choking guy myself but then I'd never be on a kink dating site either, so goodness knows what B is into. I don't like discussing my own or other people's sex lives though, so I'd be same as you not wanting to hear it.

You're not a bad person for not wanting all the gory (and worrying) details. The guilt is because you've been brought up that it's your job to fix things for everyone, so refusing to do it is going against your training and making you feel bad. It's not your job though and it never was, so the guilt is misplaced and best to be ignored.

In the unlikely event that someone manages to get a diagnosis in the UK, it'll probably be EUPD rather than BPD, since 'borderline' isn't a useful descriptive term and the acronym is easily confused with bipolar.

It's sort of academic since she's not getting a diagnosis unless things get radically worse, she's hospitalised and they can't find another label to pin on her. But since she has a number of the traits, it's not going to hurt to read up on techniques for dealing with people with BPD.

Don't discuss her with your parents at all, ever. Pick a phrase (like "you'd need to talk to her about that directly") and just don't say anything else.

I’d have a lovely weekend with your own family and not give your sister or her husband a second thought. There’s no kids involved in her shit show which is good, so I wouldn’t worry. You’ve called him a wet lettuce so you don’t sound particularly loyal to your BIL so I really wouldn’t get so involved. There’s two options, they stay together or split up. Tell her to only text you this weekend if big hands gets too okey chokey.

Yes. Which is why she’s posting here as a start.

You’re on this thread to deliberately pick fault with the Op and it’s really not a good look. Perhaps ask yourself why you’re doing it. Why you see a ND poster as fair game for you to bully.

The sister is more than likely an emotional vampire who doesnt give a damn about the effect her life choices has on others when she’s leaning on/ sucking the life out of those around her.

I think it shows the Op was struggling when starting the thread so added the bit about the brew the biscuit because it’s something she’s picked up from others and decided to use it herself. The op is autistic and more than likely struggles with social norms.

It’s not up to her who else you talk to about things, that’s up to you. You don’t need to keep anything secret from your husband.

If these conversations with B that you don’t want are happening on the phone, you can say I don’t want to hear about your relationship dramas, and if you carry on trying to tell me about this I’m going to hang up. If they are happening in person in your house, say the same thing, but say if you keep trying to tell me these things you will have to leave. The boundary you set isn’t what she does, it’s being clear about what you will do if she continues to do something that isn’t ok with you.

When she says “you have to promise not to tell anyone what I’m about to tell you” you can say no, I’m not making any such promise, just don’t tell me anything that you don’t want others to know.

You don’t have to always agree to do what she wants.

Excellent advice.

We have a family member like this. Younger generation, husband is a drip. She's always been a drama llama. It's worn thin now and we've all distanced ourselves.

Why women like this don't get divorced baffles me

You need to be firmer with her. If she says she needs to get it off her chest then tell her to go find a therapist as she does not have the right to dump everything on you.

Same for the rest of the family. If they try to drag you into it just say why don’t you speak to B directly.