Sister ruined Christmas with stupid affair drama - AIBU to be really stressed?

You do nothing you say it is none of you business, people complain constantly about thought loads and how stressed everyone is yet how many people take on other people's dramas

You do nothing you say nothing you leave them to it and if she uses you are as a counsellor tell her to stop

It's the husband I feel sorry for just in what you've said try to imagine how he has felt all these years as your sister plays up again and again and you already know she's hard work and you don't even live with her. I have a diagnosed bpd brother and when the self destruct turns on he treats everyone badly but neither would I keep secrets for him or condone the behaviours despite having autism also. His dramas are just that until he is better again

I also dont get why you're so stressed. People split up all the time - so? It sounds like it was for the vest. How does it affect you?

You can become good at detachment and not being a people pleaser etc with practice. I used to be like you.

It's been trained into you from birth, how you are. It's not your fault and if you want to change, that takes time. Step one is learning what dysfunctional behaviour you yourself have, which people are saying in this thread. It doesn't make you toxic or spiteful or anything (basically you got lucky, you could have been B), but if you grow up in a dysfunctional family dynamic then you're a part of that dynamic and you'll be dysfunctional to some extent too. You can't start overcoming it until you first realise it. Which I'm guessing you now have. Then it takes time for knowledge to be put into practice, as effective and consistent behaviour changes. Especially when you're dealing with AuDHD too.

Others are good at this detachment stuff because they started the process of changing themselves for the better years ago, or because they were born into families that weren't dysfunctional in the first place so they grew up learning all this stuff as standard. I liken it to being a teenager again and learning all the stuff you'd have learned then, if you grew up in a healthy family. Being a teenager isn't a month or a year, it's a decade. So although you're not a teenager and you've got a lifetime of skills and experience and although you can start making changes now, it's still hard and takes time to be consistent with it. Give it five years you'll be a whole new person.

Some people have had a go at you but most are sharing tips and advice to help you, so don't feel bad about yourself. You didn't ask to get born into dysfunction and you had no control over it.

Don't be surprised if you end up low or no contact with some of your family though. IME it eventually became a situation where every single communication is someone trying to tear down my boundaries and me enforcing them over and over. It's exhausting and eventually I ended up thinking what's the point in having contact with this person because no good ever comes of it.

You don’t come across as spiteful at all. There seems to be a strong history of lying and cheating men and women in my family.
I couldn’t bear it, trying to stay loyal and at the same time feeling sorry about the partners who are cheated on and lied to and feeling conflicted because personally I can’t handle being around liars and people who cheat on others and hurt them.
it’s painful to watch and hear about.
plus if they’re lying to everyone else then they’re probably lying to me.

I ended up withdrawing completely from that side of the family because I never felt safe or comfortable with them.
bring nd my nervous system doesn’t work well around people who are non transparent or game players etc

She's an adult now so they're not responsible for her either. She's responsible for herself and she doesn't have to listen to anyone. This will be part of the problem in their relationship with her. They're not accepting that she's an autonomous adult and they don't have control over how she lives her life. They need to understand that how they feel about that or about what she's doing, is their problem to deal with. They can choose to support her and listen to her or they can choose not to, but they can't choose to control her just so they don't have to worry about her or because they don't agree with her decisions. They probably need to step back. If she's closing off from them and not telling them things it's probably because of their reaction when she does open up. She protects herself from that reaction and from having to deal with their expression of their emotions, by keeping things private from them, which is sensible under those circumstances.

I feel that you're missing something with boundaries OP. They're not something you ask others to allow you to have then throw your hands up in despair when they repeatedly ride roughshod over them. They're something you have by having them, not just saying you have them.

Something like this -

B: so this dating thing happened...
You: I don't want to hear about it.
B: we were at this place and...
You: I just told you I don't want to hear about it. It's stressful and what you do is your own business. Stop talking about it to me.
B: I just need to tell you to get it off my chest, we were doing...
You: ok B you need to leave now, here's your coat, you can sit on the garden wall and wait for your taxi. Bye. [shuts door]

You say you can't get a read on her MH because of her saying she's happy to be having a wild time. You don't need to get a read on her MH, you're her sister not her therapist or her doctor. If she needs monitoring it needs to be by someone impartial, not by you and if she doesn't want to seek help, that's on her.

It's incredibly hard to step back and not look after others if you're that way inclined, but if someone is on a self destructive path, you walking it with them won't keep them safe, it achieves nothing except to see you going down the destructive path too. You have to choose to step off the path, stop following your sister down it even though that means you'll lose sight of her, and go back to the safety of your nuclear family to live your own life. You don't exist to walk in her shadow, following her around to sweep up her messes and constantly worrying if you need to grab her and try to pull her back from the brink. You've told her the path is dangerous. If she chooses to walk down it anyway then, for your own sanity, you need to let her go alone.

no, I understand although with me it wasn't a family member. I stand by what I said including my comments about working in mental health.

You have to start putting boundaries in place she is not forcing you. You are allowing her to continue.

A couple of other recommendations - you and your sister's ex(?) might benefit from the book Stop Walking on Eggshells by Paul Mason and Randy Kreger. It's aimed at people who have some form of relationship with people with BPD/EUPD. It's goal is finding more effective communication strategies and boundaries with people that may have such personality disorders.

At the very least, if you can I'd recommend you slip him a link to the Warning Signs that You're Dating a Loser by Dr Joe Carver. Unfortunately it seems like his original website no longer exists but there's a copy of the contents here - https://counsellingresource.com/therapy/self-help/loser/. It's not specifically about having relationships with people who may have personality disorders but it's a really good basic checklist of red flags in relationships.

Have you ever considered that your sister is jealous of what you have got in your life. You have the perfect children, husband and life. You work in mental health this is classic transference. She hates her life she wouldn't be cheating if she had the perfect life. Wake up and look at your sister for what she is a "CUNT"

Exactly this!

@aerisgainsborough Go low contact just for a while (avoid picking up calls). You don’t need to hear the latest drama. It’s stressing you because there is absolutely nothing you can do about the situation. So if you don’t know about the problems they can’t stress you out.

If family pop round to yours, tell them that your mental health isn’t great at the moment so all conversation needs to be kept lighthearted and no mention of family drama.

Bit unfair. As if the OP is not going to worry about something awful happening to sister B.

What a mess. Sorry op. Sounds hard. I do hope tho that your BIL never takes your sister back for his sake.

Kindly, you may have missed the bit where she said she's autistic (the op). Makes sense to me that she's exhibiting little emotional filtering. She will be taking it all to heart and it will be consuming her thoughts constantly. OP - could you have ADHD?

YANBU to find all this a bit much. We are not robots, our actions impact our families lives because our families love us and care about what happens to us.

You’ve been supporting your sister for a long time. Now you’ve reached your “had enough” point. It’s probably a good thing because this could be your turning point where you limit your involvement (a lot/a bit).

I have no experience or advice, just wanted you to know I don’t think it’s unreasonable to be stressed. Quite a lot of people have focused on what you need to DO, and made it seem (too) easy, I just wanted to acknowledge how you feel and this process of getting annoyed enough to seek a change.

And just for reference …
All sisters are all different but I’d be pretty shocked if my sister shared details of her sex life. It would be super awkward to share any such details with my parents. That’s normal.

@BidetBeforeDDay Not the point of the thread, but it's not that easy to find a nice, normal man on dating apps.

Any woman can easily be in a relationship if she wants to be as single men vastly outnumber single women.

Men may outnumber women on them but so many are weirdos or otherwise undesirable!

Obviously, the vast majority of men are perfectly normal. If you're constantly encountering "weirdos" or "undesirable" men, then that's an issue with the men that you are selecting to approach.

This, exactly.

Plus the sister, being the scapegoat/middle child/one who's life hasn't gone to plan, will more likely have some trauma or emotional difficulties intertwined with any neurodiversity, making the overall picture more complex and confusing.

It's easy to try to put a spin on it to sound like one thing or another. For example - what's splitting, and what's autistic black-and-white thinking/the response of someone who's trusted by mistake and been hurt? What's impulsive behaviour and what's a reaction caused by overwhelm? What's reckless behaviour in relationships and what's social issues caused by a lack of understanding due to autism?

Given that neurodiversity runs in the family, the chances are even higher that she's neurodiverse. And the OP has given clues herself (that she seems to overlook) like the sister playing games all weekend, feeling her life is busy when it's not, and seeming like she hasn't grown up.

You might get quite a lot from the book "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. I recommend it.

Not the point of the thread, but it's not that easy to find a nice, normal man on dating apps. Men may outnumber women on them but so many are weirdos or otherwise undesirable!