Page 12 | We’ve hurt the birthday boy’s feelings?

sidneytweeney · 2026-01-09T08:39:51+00:00

So my son who is 8 has been invited to his friend’s birthday party next weekend. Another mum who I am friends with has asked me to take her son to the party too as she is working (he’s been invited.) I’ve agreed to do this and to help my friend out further, her son is going to be having a sleepover at mine in the night of the party. (Mum friend is a single parent, works as a nurse) The birthday boy is staying at his grandparents after his party in order to see extended family for his birthday. Birthday boy’s mum texted me this morning to say that I had disappointed birthday boy by organising a fun sleepover to which birthday boy can’t come. She said I had ‘taken the shine off his special day.’ Unless I’m missing a higher chunk of social awareness , this woman is batshit right?

BillyBites · 09/01/2026 14:23

Some people would start a fight in an empty room, wouldn't they?

Mum27383 · 09/01/2026 14:22

Parkerpenny · 09/01/2026 12:58

My daughter hosted a small primary school birthday of about 8 children, including her and another parent invited 4 of the other children to a cinema trip and sleepover party directly after my daughter's party. In fact the girls brought their sleepover cases to the party and were chatting excitedly about their plans during the party.

I thought this was very poor form and borderline malicious from the organising mum. However, there was nothing we could do as it's a free country! We tried not to make too much of it with our daughter. I still think how unkind that group of parents were.

The OP is describing something a little different to this given the ratios involved. I didn't tell the other parents what I thought and would have cringed at texting - but part of me wishes I had.

That is very unkind!

CarterBeatsTheDevil · 09/01/2026 14:22

The best parenting response to situations like this is always to acknowledge that it's sad when you can't do all the fun things but that no-one is invited to everything.

BillyBites · 09/01/2026 14:20

Lamentingalways · 09/01/2026 12:53

Well at least my 8 year old isn’t chatting online to friends about stuff I’m unaware of in the moment. I’ll take crazy

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FFS, they're hardly likely to be exchanging dick pics. More likely they're playing Roblox or similar and chatting whilst they do it.

CarterBeatsTheDevil · 09/01/2026 14:20

Velvian · 09/01/2026 08:43

Definitely batshit, but I would probably reply "Not a fun sleepover, I'm helping X with childcare that day/weekend as she is working"

I would also say this.

zingally · 09/01/2026 14:14

"Hi Ruth,
Sorry, there seems to have been a bit of a misunderstanding. I'm having Ben round just to help out his mum, who is working. We were under the assumption that Thomas was going round to his grandparents after the party for more birthday activities? Ben sleeping over is unrelated to Thomas' birthday party. It was just a private invitation between mum-friends. It's a shame Thomas feels left out - that was never the intention."

Original poster

sidneytweeney · 09/01/2026 14:00

FOJN · 09/01/2026 13:55

User7565364

Good grief, show me where the transactional mummies hurt you.

Contempt, privilege and bitterness oozes out of you.

Women helping each other out was a real thing once upon a time. Paid childcare exists because middle class women entered the workforce. Women in low paid work and single mums have always formed support networks to patch childcare together. And they've never been able to afford to have a hissy fit if the person providing free childcare didn't serve a carefully planned organic menu or a packed program of educational activities; that kind of entitlement destroyed the village and made life so much harder for working parents.

Edited

I was so ill last year with pneumonia. I have no parents or siblings. My kids’ dad lives overseas. I honestly don’t know what I’d have done without these women. Cooking, cleaning, shopping, walking my dog, looking after my kids, as if they were part of their families. Honestly, how anyone can see anything negative in women supporting women is baffling to me.

OP posts:

Original poster

sidneytweeney · 09/01/2026 13:56

LadyTangerine · 09/01/2026 13:48

'Anyone can see that it's slightly poor form to plan something after a mutual friends birthday celebration. If an adult started a thread here saying two of her best friends are going on a spa break immediately after her birthday party, then there would be more discussion'

Totally agree.

I’d agree too if there were only 3 kids at the party. There’s loads. Twenty plus. This isn’t a relevant comparison.

OP posts:

StoppingByWoodsOnAColdEvening · 09/01/2026 13:55

LadyTangerine · 09/01/2026 13:48

'Anyone can see that it's slightly poor form to plan something after a mutual friends birthday celebration. If an adult started a thread here saying two of her best friends are going on a spa break immediately after her birthday party, then there would be more discussion'

Totally agree.

And that's exactly the type of person this unfortunate birthday child's mother clearly is -- always on the hyper-alert for someone 'excluding' them, or for any intimation that two of her friends might have formed their own individual friendship and sometimes see one another separately.

Well-balanced people realise their friends' lives don't involve around them. And that their birthdays, however special and hallowed they may be to them, do not in fact rip a hole in the space-time continuum.

FOJN · 09/01/2026 13:55

User7565364

Good grief, show me where the transactional mummies hurt you.

Contempt, privilege and bitterness oozes out of you.

Women helping each other out was a real thing once upon a time. Paid childcare exists because middle class women entered the workforce. Women in low paid work and single mums have always formed support networks to patch childcare together. And they've never been able to afford to have a hissy fit if the person providing free childcare didn't serve a carefully planned organic menu or a packed program of educational activities; that kind of entitlement destroyed the village and made life so much harder for working parents.

LadyTangerine · 09/01/2026 13:48

'Anyone can see that it's slightly poor form to plan something after a mutual friends birthday celebration. If an adult started a thread here saying two of her best friends are going on a spa break immediately after her birthday party, then there would be more discussion'

Totally agree.

Ohhohoho · 09/01/2026 13:45

User7565364 · 09/01/2026 11:25

The other mum is batshit for writing to you but there is something equally irksome about smug parents who love building up transactional friendships with other mums just so they can offload the children to each other. They bask in the superiority of being able to help others, balance work and kids, finding a "village", when it basically boils down to getting free childcare and not wanting to pay a babysitter. You can spot them a mile away, similar to the social climbing mums who prioritise having their kids in the right circles. The transactional mums immediately know which families they can latch onto to get free rides and nights off. Or they have shit partners who don't pull their weight so they target other mums for childcare favours.

Anyone can see that it's slightly poor form to plan something after a mutual friends birthday celebration. If an adult started a thread here saying two of her best friends are going on a spa break immediately after her birthday party, then there would be more discussion.

To be honest, it sounds like OP is being taken advantage of by the other mum. Yes, we know she's a nurse so let's give a round of applause for the NHS, but she would have had to work that night anyway. What was the plan with her son if there hadn't been a party? Was she still going to write to OP and ask her to take her kid because she needs to work? The party seemed like a good excuse to get a small foot in the door and then expand it to getting the entire night off without even having to drive her own kid anywhere.

Not a fair comparison at all. It’s not 3 best friends and two breaking off and leaving the other out. The OP said the whole class plus others have been invited.

A fairer comparison would be a friend having a large birthday meal and inviting 20 plus guests. One of your friends wants to drink and lives far away. You live near the venue so offer her to stay at yours after it. You leave the meal, have a few drinks at yours, friend stays the night and then goes home the next day.

Would I be mad at that? Absolutely not. Friend staying over would be a necessity to avoid expensive travel home- just like the child is staying over at OPs for childcare not for fun. Also frankly none of my business. I have invited my friends to my birthday event, they are free to do whatever they want for the rest of their day.

I’ve also been to many birthday meals where the meal ended and birthday person went home as had other plans (like the boy who’s staying at family members) and everyone else has carried on. It’s how the world works. Nobody is mad. This woman is raising an entitled child.

LittleBitofBread · 09/01/2026 13:43

AstonScrapingsNameChange · 09/01/2026 13:32

Bloody hell, what is your problem?

Why shouldn't mums help each other out. What is it to you? No one is asking you to have the kid for the night!

Do you perhaps feel you've been taken advantage of by another mum somewhere along the line and somehow it's now everyone else's fault?

Or do you think single mums should suffer in silence with no help because they dared to get divorced?

If the other boy was going to a baby sitter until 10pm you'd probably be bitching about how awful it was of his mum to 'dump' him with a baby sitter so she could work (but ofc if she wasn't working, shed be a 'benefit scrounger')!

Wind your neck in!

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This poster sounds bitter as hell, IMO.

AstonScrapingsNameChange · 09/01/2026 13:32

User7565364 · 09/01/2026 11:25

The other mum is batshit for writing to you but there is something equally irksome about smug parents who love building up transactional friendships with other mums just so they can offload the children to each other. They bask in the superiority of being able to help others, balance work and kids, finding a "village", when it basically boils down to getting free childcare and not wanting to pay a babysitter. You can spot them a mile away, similar to the social climbing mums who prioritise having their kids in the right circles. The transactional mums immediately know which families they can latch onto to get free rides and nights off. Or they have shit partners who don't pull their weight so they target other mums for childcare favours.

Anyone can see that it's slightly poor form to plan something after a mutual friends birthday celebration. If an adult started a thread here saying two of her best friends are going on a spa break immediately after her birthday party, then there would be more discussion.

To be honest, it sounds like OP is being taken advantage of by the other mum. Yes, we know she's a nurse so let's give a round of applause for the NHS, but she would have had to work that night anyway. What was the plan with her son if there hadn't been a party? Was she still going to write to OP and ask her to take her kid because she needs to work? The party seemed like a good excuse to get a small foot in the door and then expand it to getting the entire night off without even having to drive her own kid anywhere.

Bloody hell, what is your problem?

Why shouldn't mums help each other out. What is it to you? No one is asking you to have the kid for the night!

Do you perhaps feel you've been taken advantage of by another mum somewhere along the line and somehow it's now everyone else's fault?

Or do you think single mums should suffer in silence with no help because they dared to get divorced?

If the other boy was going to a baby sitter until 10pm you'd probably be bitching about how awful it was of his mum to 'dump' him with a baby sitter so she could work (but ofc if she wasn't working, shed be a 'benefit scrounger')!

Wind your neck in!

Original poster

sidneytweeney · 09/01/2026 13:32

GiddyDog · 09/01/2026 13:30

Haha, I got similar from a school mum on a group chat berating me for not 'running it past her' before hosting playdates with other children on an evening she'd already told me her child wasn't available. Fine for hers to go on playdates that mine isn't included in of course, and she never hosts herself. She now doesn't speak to me at all because she was told in no uncertain terms that I don't need her or her 8 year old's permission to have other people in my home.

Edited

WTF. I’m starting to think that Amanda from Motherland isn’t as far fetched as I thought she was!

OP posts:

Original poster

sidneytweeney · 09/01/2026 13:31

thepariscrimefiles · 09/01/2026 13:29

So single parents helping each other out with childcare in emergencies or when their regular childcare is unavailable are actually smug 'transactional' mums?

My experience is that married couples with kids tend to be smugger than single parents who are often judged, looked down on and pitied.

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I might suggest changing our group chat name to “The Smug Transactioners”

OP posts:

GiddyDog · 09/01/2026 13:30

Haha, I got similar from a school mum on a group chat berating me for not 'running it past her' before hosting playdates with other children on an evening she'd already told me her child wasn't available. Fine for hers to go on playdates that mine isn't included in of course, and she never hosts herself. She now doesn't speak to me at all because she was told in no uncertain terms that I don't need her or her 8 year old's permission to have other people in my home.

mcmooberry · 09/01/2026 13:29

I voted NBU however have told my children from birth that you never, ever EVER talk about an event to which someone has not been invited in front of them. I would have been very annoyed at my child for discussing the sleepover in front of the birthday boy and would have replied saying that to the mother. She, of course, should have said precisely nothing to you.

thepariscrimefiles · 09/01/2026 13:29

User7565364 · 09/01/2026 11:25

The other mum is batshit for writing to you but there is something equally irksome about smug parents who love building up transactional friendships with other mums just so they can offload the children to each other. They bask in the superiority of being able to help others, balance work and kids, finding a "village", when it basically boils down to getting free childcare and not wanting to pay a babysitter. You can spot them a mile away, similar to the social climbing mums who prioritise having their kids in the right circles. The transactional mums immediately know which families they can latch onto to get free rides and nights off. Or they have shit partners who don't pull their weight so they target other mums for childcare favours.

Anyone can see that it's slightly poor form to plan something after a mutual friends birthday celebration. If an adult started a thread here saying two of her best friends are going on a spa break immediately after her birthday party, then there would be more discussion.

To be honest, it sounds like OP is being taken advantage of by the other mum. Yes, we know she's a nurse so let's give a round of applause for the NHS, but she would have had to work that night anyway. What was the plan with her son if there hadn't been a party? Was she still going to write to OP and ask her to take her kid because she needs to work? The party seemed like a good excuse to get a small foot in the door and then expand it to getting the entire night off without even having to drive her own kid anywhere.

So single parents helping each other out with childcare in emergencies or when their regular childcare is unavailable are actually smug 'transactional' mums?

My experience is that married couples with kids tend to be smugger than single parents who are often judged, looked down on and pitied.

beAsensible1 · 09/01/2026 13:25

how bizarre.

so are none of the children in his class allowed sleepovers on her childs birthday?

Inertia · 09/01/2026 13:21

Part of parenting is to manage your children’s expectations. Part of being an 8 year old is beginning to understand that the world doesn’t revolve around you, and that sometimes things happen in your friends’ lives that you’re not always included in. If this mum constantly manipulates situations so that her child never has to face challenges then he won’t develop the resilience he will need in later life.

Though to be honest it sounds like the disappointment is hers in this case.

I think your reply explaining that you are helping with childcare due to the other mum’s work shifts is perfectly reasonable and tactful.

andthat · 09/01/2026 13:20

Imdunfer · 09/01/2026 09:03

Wow, huge lack of empathy on this thread for a small boy who doesn't want to spend an evening with "his extended family" and would have loved to be at the sleepover with his two friends instead.

Total lack of awareness by some posters that kids will say "nah, I'm not bothered" to their friends when they really are bothered but don't want to show it.

The mother could have handled it better but the lack of understanding of the little boy of many posters is a bit gobsmacking!

oh for god's sake. This is why a lot of young people are growing up feeling entitled to everything and resilient to nothing.

The whole class is going to the party. TWO friends are having a sleepover..whilst the birthday boy might want to go to the sleep over too, he's having a night with family. Its fine for him to be disappointed - that's life - but his parent needs to teach him that sometimes things can't be the way we want them to be!

WearyAuldWumman · 09/01/2026 13:16

Lamentingalways · 09/01/2026 10:53

Yes, I have just posted similar. Of course the Mum is being ridiculous but most of us care about kids don’t we? There’s kids in my children’s class that aren’t very nice to mine but I still feel sad when I hear they haven’t had breakfast or don’t have a Mum in their life etc. If the OP was a nice person she would feel bad about the lad. Chances are he’s pretending not to care in front of his friends but has told his Mum it’s made him sad. I wouldn’t be acknowledging that I had done anything wrong (as I don’t believe at face value that she has) or apologising but I would certainly be explaining what was happening and telling the lad not to be sad and that he can come over another time. I don’t think she’s as kind as she is saying. How can you just ignore a message and then turn up at the party? That’s not normal behaviour.

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Great choice of user name.

"If the OP was a nice person..." Give over.

PurpleThistle7 · 09/01/2026 13:14

Imdunfer · 09/01/2026 09:03

Wow, huge lack of empathy on this thread for a small boy who doesn't want to spend an evening with "his extended family" and would have loved to be at the sleepover with his two friends instead.

Total lack of awareness by some posters that kids will say "nah, I'm not bothered" to their friends when they really are bothered but don't want to show it.

The mother could have handled it better but the lack of understanding of the little boy of many posters is a bit gobsmacking!

But so what? Even if this wee boy is upset then… what? Would he skip his family party? Invite himself to this? Offer to host them both for a sleepover at his? I don’t understand what the mother could possibly be suggesting here. Either this sleepover happens or neither boy comes to the party so…??

Original poster

sidneytweeney · 09/01/2026 13:13

Lamentingalways · 09/01/2026 12:53

Well at least my 8 year old isn’t chatting online to friends about stuff I’m unaware of in the moment. I’ll take crazy

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Again. A huge leap and assumption. Go and have a cup of tea, and oh my god I’ve always wanted to say this, give your head a wobble.

OP posts: