dp hit my ds tonight and i cant stop shaking

I do not blame your partner. He even true tow all away and the child was following him. Most of us, if not all, are anti-smacking but fgs you need to have soem perspective.

Shaken, screaming and panicked because a very badly behaved child was smacked on the arm once? Knowing the list of things that the child did? I mean seriously, you know he was at the absolute end of his tether.

Police and social services are unlikely to be interested. I’ve seen them work their way out of actual abusive discipline with concrete evidence. What would it even achieve? If you’re unhappy with it, don't live together or split.

If he isn’t the father, then I would be even more concerned that this man won’t be able to cope with these behaviours, as others said. But your focus should be on getting your son help/diagnosed etc.

Son has learnt shitty behaviour has consequences, no wonder DP snapped.

@justsooverwhelmed89 I'm so sorry for you all. You are not a horrible mother and your dp is not necessarily a horrible father. And your son is not a monster either. You ALL need help. Is DS with Cahms? Is he in therapy/group to help him with his behaviour? Are you getting help to manage him? If not this should be number one of your priorities along with getting DP help for his mh problems. Please reassure him and tell him that even good people can do bad things when pushed to the edge.

One of my sons is exactly like yours- he's 15 now ASD with ocd and what the psychiatrists qualify as complex case. My DH (his das) has always had a hard time to contain himself when dealing with him to the point that I had to threw myself btw them in order for him not to hit our son (some years ago after being spit at and provoked non stop). So I get it.
Early on we made a rule (well, I did). If DH gets overwhelmed he calls me and isolates. I'm patient and I can deal with ds without getting worked up (former social worker).

Can you try that as well- atleast for the time being with your dp having mh problems- he's not suited to deal with your son right now. You both need support. Contact cahms or go private if you can afford it. You can apply for DLA for your son if that would help.

It can get better. You need to support each other as parents- be kind, understanding and don't judge each other. Just tell your partner to temporarily take a step to the side for his sake, your son's sake and your sake. You better deal with a hard situation on your own than dealing with the aftermath of a hard situation having escalated.💐

Similar has happened in my family before, my husband was off work, horrible things had happened in his life, he had taken his employer to tribunal, his mum got cancer, everything was going wrong, our son was screaming, raging, biting, following him around, throwing things, trying to hit him, I tried to drag him off and got bit for my troubles, husband smacked child hard on the bum. Child was very shocked, burst into tears but wasn't injured. They had a talk the next day and it hasn't happened since. My husband felt that terribly he went to therapy were even she said no you're not a child abuser.

Sometimes things just happen that some people will entirely blow out of proportion. Your husband is not a terrible person, he is exhausted and was at the end of his tether.

Your home sounds like hell. Sorry. I am not surprised that your dp snapped. You need to get parenting under control.

Team DP!

We are a nation of snowflakes. My mum would have slapped me too if I did that, and she did! No grudges held, barriers crossed. Just a parent disciplining a child

@VeterinaryCareAssistant exactly this.

And who are you to say it's wrong? And wont work. I think gentle parenting, or in my view of seeing this, no parenting or setting boundaries, is far more harmful for children. They literally have no idea what is expected. In this case the child clearly has issues and DP was provoked. Early help is a great call. But clearly this family have been through a lot in the last 6 years: child, new relationship, new baby. All a bit fast.

My son has challenging behaviours BUT there would be no 'was at do for an hour, hitting swearing... While your dp seems to have done nothing but TRLL HIM to stop. Go away etc. that's not parenting. Where were you for this hour?

When my son was 4/5 we'd have to go take him to a separate room from the baby to keep everyone safe if he was worked up. He'd be taken to the other room with sensory calming items, settled, given a consequence (something like no screen time for however long) then return to apologize and if not anymore settled we'd repeat. All done very calmly.

You need external help to deal with your child’s behaviour and get to the root cause of it. Does he have additional needs?

dp is not violent. hes gentle if anything.

I don’t believe this to be the case. If he was, he would have walked away and not hit your son. Children can be challenging but it is never acceptable to hit them and only teaches that behaviour anyway.

If you couldn’t remove your son from the room then your partner should have gone upstairs himself.

I'm team DP.

I would have smacked him to the rhythm of "now.get.your.self.in.to.bed.and.stay.there"

But likewise, not everything is neurodivergence, and if we assume it is that every time then we may not discover that a child is experiencing something awful that they are reacting to. In this case, the child knows swear words. Thats not coming from neurodivergence, thats learned from somewhere.

Yes. Mines 17 now. He has additional needs.

When the experts are telling you it's ridiculous you can't physically control your 6yr old, why did you not take note instead of umbrage?

Unless he was 4ft 6 and you are only 5ft 1, whilst I'm sure you've had your equal share of bloody noses as a head thrashes backwards, and bruises, it really doesn't help to insist a fully grown adult is helpless to physically control a 6yr old child.

I think as others have said this just needs to be a wake up call. Either of you beating yourselves up any more won’t help. Your DP needs to apologise to DS in the morning. Then as a family you need to get collective help for both DP and DS and work on avoiding such triggers so it doesn’t happen again. Me and my DP both get overstimulated and angry with the kids at times but we tend to notice when one is struggling and immediately take over, so the dysregulated parent gets a break and the more regulated one takes over to calm the situation and the more often than not dysregulated child. You need to work as a partnership.

This sounds way beyond normal 6yo pushing boundaries behaviour. Are you getting help with your son? It sounds relentless and it sounds like the sudden loud shouting in DP’s face may have triggered some sort of fight or flight response in him. I have a really strong reaction to very loud shouting right in my ear or face, I find it quite triggering and want to react physically myself, I guess it’s a self-protection thing.

DP’s behaviour is obv not ideal but I wouldn’t get caught up on what’s already happened. You both need to figure out how to stop it happening again as this sounds like a really unpleasant household currently for everyone.

OP get external support and make a strategy plan for how to cope when it happens again. Make sure everyone is in agreement on how to handle the situation safely and calmly.

I aren't condoning what your dp did and he obviously needs help.

But I'd be interested to know what you do to discipline your son? ND or not, his behaviour is atrocious. There should be some kind of consequence. It cannot carry on the way it is. Take this as a wake up call and get some help as a family.

Your husband smacked his son who is old enough to know right from wrong.
Weeing anywhere outside of a toilet is unacceptable. Squaring up to anyone esp their parent is disgusting behaviour. Laughing repeatedly when told to quiet down is downright disrespectful.
Your sons behaviour was deliberately antagonising and very upsetting.
Your reaction to scream was an unnecessary overreaction. Your partner crying was also unnecessary. He tried many times, for over an hour to reason with your son. He even took himself away from the situation and yet he was followed and it continued.
Your son was attempting to bully his father, and he got a slap for it. I'd let son know his behaviour was utterly unacceptable and will not be tolerated and if it carries on there will be further consequences.

This is an awful situation. I think your DP needs to learn parenting skills and get help. There's two ways this can go. He either gets hell and never does it again, or now its happened once the second time it happens more easily.

The other thing is your sons behaviour. A couple of things stand out to be as more than tantrums. The deliberately weeing himself, and also knowing swear words. Who has he learned them from? Whoever that is could also be where he is learning aggressive behaviours.

You need to get help for you DS this is not normal, I don’t plane DP for snapping he’s only human and only so much he can take were are not perfect.

When did such appalling behaviour from a 6yr old become acceptable for a parent to feel unable to intercept through fear of being attacked?! If his behaviour is that bad he is at serious risk to the baby as the parents clearly have zero control or boundaries

My son has challenging behaviours and it comes from.nome of those things, it comes from.neurodivergwnce and difficulty managing his emotions. He's now very well managed but not all kids with challenging behaviour are due to something you can blame

Sounds as if it was a long time coming.

Surely the obvious thing would have been for your partner to take himself away from the situation? You were both trying to remove your son but as things escalated, it would have made more sense for your partner to take the baby and go into another room. But I guess no one was thinking clearly in the moment.

Your son has some very challenging behaviour there. Your partner is also struggling. It sounds like you could all use some help. Take this as the trigger to seek that out asap.