dp hit my ds tonight and i cant stop shaking

Honestly? It’s better that’s he’s smacked once and behaves himself VS thinking he can terrorise adults and they will do fuck all to stop him. I really doubt the message he’s learnt is to hit.

I don't condone smacking as discipline but your DP deserves an apology and needs to stop blaming himself.
Your son sounds like a little piece of work OP. Why is he so badly behaved? Has he been parented at all?

I’m a child of the 80s and would have got a smack for far less than your son was doing. Your DP was pushed to his limit and reacted poorly, however your son’s behaviour was atrocious and you should have given the baby to your DP and attended to your son who is clearly desperate for your attention.

We did take note, we followed their advice, it escalated the behaviour and put us all at risk.

Those advising tended to do the same things posters here are doing - dreadful behaviour, what are the consequences, remove him, discipline him, without understanding that for some children this does nothing but makes things worse.

Ds was average height and weight, I am 5’5” and strong, I could not safely restrain and carry him anywhere are he would be flailing around, kicking, lashing out, biting, spitting etc. Well done to you that you clearly managed better than I did (and many other parents of violent children who are judged rather than helped), here have this medal 🥇

I don’t think it’s a bad thing for children to know parents have limits…to know everyone has limits. I hate the phrase FAFO but that is literally what happened here.
In future your DP needs to leave the house as soon as feels his temper / agitation rising but be very clear with your boy that your DP’s reaction was a normal human one and if he behaves in such an appalling way again he cannot be sure how anyone will react.

Your Son is completely out of control.
Maybe he has learnt something.
I feel sorry for your DP.

Have to say , I'm in agreement

If snapping means you hit, then you need to walk away. What if he had snapped and hit OP?

The child obviously needs help, parenting, boundaries, external help….his parents need to get that sorted….but it’s not a reason to hit.

This sounds so awful for you all, but at the end of the day, DS is 6. You both need to feel empowered to remove him from your presence when he is pushing you to the limit. Physically pick that child up and put him away from you in his room/your room/any designated room so that there is a physical barrier to prevent harm occuring to any party while you catch your breath. I think tonight is a sign that something absolutely has to change.

I don't blame your dp. Parents are human too. Your son was testing where the limit was.

dp kept telling him to go upstairs, to stop, to leave him alone. ds followed him room to room shouting

The Ds would likely have followed him anyway .

What is DS like at school? Is it the same or is it a home thing? Sounds like he’s craving attention and then when he got it (even negative behaviour) he calmed down.

He’s been taught to hit. That’ll go well.

With all due respect, your kid got a smack, like many kids do when they’re being shitty. Despite it being controversial it’s not as shocking as you’re making it out to be. Maybe your DS will learn something from it too.

I can understand how this would happen. My DS is 3.5 and we're in the process of getting his diagnosed with autism - his meltdowns are off the charts and they go on for ages so I can relate. I also have a baby so know how hard it is to divide your attention!

It sounds like DP is very remorseful and you have also taken the situation seriously. Perhaps you and DP need to think about coping strategies to make sure this doesn't happen again. Ie help and professional support as it seems as though DS is struggling with something, and a short term strategy for both of you to cope.

Re short term, do you have any family that could help with childcare for the upcoming week/weekend? Sometimes when things are at boiling point, the extra help is useful to give you time to think and reset.

Also when our son has a meltdowns, we do 10 minute shifts of dealing with him so that we have some time to regulate our own emotions and go back to him. If we hear that the other parent is spiralling, we will either offer to switch or prompt each other by saying 'regulate' as a way to remind ourselves to keep calm.

I hope you and DP find the support that you need because you both sound like caring people at your wits end. I hope you remember to be kind to yourselves because it's a tough situation that anyone would struggle with.

Sometimes I do think a smack is what’s needed to sort some behaviour out. He weirdly sorted his behaviour out real quick. He sounds really badly behaved and I think in this one instance i don’t blame your dp

I think that's really unfair. It sounds like he was pushed to the hilt. He immediately realised he was wrong. People do snap not saying it's right but people do under extreme stress.

You say after this incident, your son "weirdly calmed down".

I don't think there is anything weird about it. He was out of control, "squaring up" and, as there were no consequences, he became even more out of control, thinking-rightly-that he could just escalate and no-one could stop him.

The smack-not a thump, not a sustained smacking-one smack made him calm down.

Do you wonder what he would have done next if he hadn't got that smack-maybe caused real damage, maybe damaged your baby?

And as for you screaming, your husband crying and you shaking...well, you both need to get a grip-no wonder your boy pulls his boots on and walks over you both.

The boy knows he has crossed a line but if he sees you both screaming, crying and shaking you may rest assured that he will know he is king of the castle and can do just as he likes.

Get some help with his behaviour.

Maybe now your DS has learned that there is a consequence to badgering someone for an extended period who has repeatedly asked them not to. Your DP attempted multiple times to remove himself from the situation but DS doggedly followed and continued. His sibling would hit him for the same reason if they were old enough.

Your DP is remorseful and will no doubt reflect. I'd encourage you both to talk it through when you're a little calmer. Not in a blaming way, but a what can we do going forward to prevent this happening again.

Admittedly I'm from the smacked generation so a smack isn't the end of the world for me. That said, my parents only employed smacking sparingly and it wasn't a flogging like others received. Given the change in your DS behaviour after the smack, you can see why parents have used it in past generations.

I agree.

I'm assuming dp is not your ds' dad?

It sounds like a tough situation.

I love my kids but they are challenging, I don't think I would ever expect anyone else to parent them,

Sorry that's not very helpful but it's how I feel.

If he is his dad... it's different.

I think you're focusing on the wrong thing here. While i don't agree with hitting, it was one slap and at the age of 6 he shouldn't be behaving like that. Everyone has a limit. It's not a bad thing for children to ocasionally see us angry or fed up or sad or whatever they are causing to feel. You need to get at the root cause of DS' behaviour.

Your boy is badly behaved, and your husband had had enough (can't blame him). It's nothing major. Is your boy jealous of the baby?

Exactly, you have consequences, even fine done in a calm way.

The op hasn't mentioned anything of the sort have they? It worries me. They all need help and pronto.

i rather agree with this.