dp hit my ds tonight and i cant stop shaking

An armchair recognition of my son’s behaviour solved a lot for my family as it led to useful strategies and a few years later his diagnosis. I’m still very grateful to the MNer who replied to my desperate post years ago.

No one is diagnosing the child. Parents of similarly behaved children are commenting in a way that may help the OP more than shocked and judgemental comments.

It’s fine . Your husband is not a monster so make sure you tell him that. Your child is frankly a bit of a brat and a wee smack won’t do him any harm. If anything that was probably exactly what he needed.

My tall ND son had multiple meltdowns at age 5-6, would try and gouge my face, bite me etc. I’d pick him up in a fireman’s lift over my shoulder, no risk of harming him and the worst he could do was hit my back with his free hand. His behaviour is much better now - I can’t remember the last time he was physically aggressive to me and we’ve had no issues with physical aggression or isolations at school in over a year. Firm boundaries, consequences for bad behaviour and lots of love, support and positive reinforcement in finding better ways to manage difficult feelings. The “boundaries don’t work on ND kids” argument is not true for a lot of them - boundaries often help ND kids to feel secure.

Please do not diagnose children you've never met online. This may have similarities with your child, but does not mean it has the same cause. Daytime wetting is a known thing for children who are anxious, stressed or experienced trauma. Toilet habits are the one thing children feel control over, and so they can use it to express their emotions.

Here's a good resource on daytime wetting :www.rcpsych.ac.uk/mental-health/parents-and-young-people/information-for-parents-and-carers/children-who-soil-or-wet-themselves-for-parents

This line stands out:
"It can also happen if your child is anxious or has experienced emotional upset."

As PP have said, he is dealing with a new sibling and a mentally ill father. You need strategies to deal with this.

Whatever. I genuinely don’t believe you’ve had a violent child though, you sound like you have no idea.

Yes.
Nowt worse that fellow SN parents putting down others for not managing things quite like they have.

I went to an ASD meet up when mine was first diagnosed, and never went back as it was full of smug mums commenting that the “violent kids” all had useless parents who couldn’t/didn’t discipline like they had. It’s shit.
Empathy doesn’t go amiss.

Christ on a bike. I’d have snapped and smacked him, too.

My mother, on the other hand, would have knocked his face off, stuck it back on and knocked it off again before he’d even got to the peeing on the carpet bit. I shudder to even think of it.

I don’t condone hitting kids, but we’re going to have to come up with some sort of middle ground between endless pointless appeasement and losing our shit, aren’t we? Because kids aren’t doing very well at the moment. Nobody seems to know what the fuck’s going on.

There's always an amateur psychologist on these threads waiting to diagnose a child from a brief description they've never met.

I am fully aware, I have a child with addition needs. They need strong, resilient and boundaried parents who are prepared to engage with the behaviours and be curious- none of that is happening here. OP and her partner need parenting support regardless of where the issues are stemming from - an armchair diagnosis solves nothing.

There's no medal required.

Because it's a 6yr old. Yes they flail. And?

And in this case, the child was no violent ball of rage, just being an absolute arse, goading, urinating on the floor and laughing about it. Screaming, yelling, unparented. He got a slap on the arm....and would you look at that, he became "weirdly calm."

Forming excuses that just make mum some helpless bystander, incapable of handling her small child, are a big reason as to why the child is like this in the first place.

I agree.

My, then, 8yo, pretty small, dd hospitalised me once when she was lashing out, and I'm not a small woman and was able to handle myself pretty well back then.

I've still got scars to this day.

I also asked earlier if there are undiagnosed issues here.

This is not normal behaviour for a 6 yr old.

e"ds has very challenging behaviour. lots of shouting, swearing, throwing things, getting right in dp’s face, pushing and laughing when told off."

He's six. Where does this behaviour come from?

"ds calmed down weirdly quickly and is now in bed."
Which suggests he had achieved what he wanted to achieve. Why would he want to achieve DP reaching his limit?

I don’t think you have got a clue what it is like to be attacked by a -in my case neurodiverse- child.
It’s not an excuse and they don’t just ‘thrash about’ and ‘might….kick on the shin’.
Kids scratch, bite, rip out hair, kick, punch - and because it’s your child you dont retaliate like you would if you were being attacked by a non related person.
If only l had thought to carry my child up the stairs while restraining them. It’s clearly as simple as that. 🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️
You have no idea and your comment is patronising and misjudged.

What help?
Beyond the basic discipline advice, parenting classes (which very often do not take into account PDA) and well meaning friends/family pulling your parenting apart there’s very little.

There always an assumption that extreme behaviour like this is lack of discipline or gentle parenting, and this seems to be what parents have to battle through, sometimes for years. IME most children this challenging have undiagnosed SN, with the violence and other behaviours he is showing I would look into PDA and the strategies to help. Even if he doesn’t have PDA the strategies could be very helpful.

I also recommend The Explosive Child by Ross Greene, and YouTube videos by Bo Elven.

I really sympathise OP, it’s really tough having a challenging child 💐. Mine is an adult now, still a challenge but hasn’t been violent for a decade.

I agree with PP.. you need to get your son a lot of help. He is only 6 but can square up to an adult man, unafraid? What will he be like at 16? You may not be safe then. He needs an intervention now.

This.

Your son’s behaviour sounds really difficult and out of control. He needs help, not dramatics from either of you. You both need help not self-recrimination. If your husband is not habitually violent, this was a one-off moment when your son’s behaviour pushed him beyond bearing.

An hour of what you describe is really disturbing. I hope you get to the bottom of that behaviour.

This is demand avoidant autism in meltdown. OP do not allow yourself to get diminished by the bs that comes from parents with regular kid going on about lack of boundaries and your crappy parenting etc. it’s a trope @SarcasticMrsKnowItAll is an apt title. You’re extremely lucky to have kids who don’t struggle with norms. It’s horrendous when you have a child who does and all the normal tools and rules done work.

Have you come across pda? Your son sounds like he may have it? Sounds a lot like our guy. The escalation and volume and intensity can really be overwhelming at times. DP is clearly devastated. Every single one of us does things we aren’t proud of when overstimulated, especially when really being got at by a kiddo. It’s hard for others to understand how intense kids of this kind can be. We have all had our moments. Forgive yourselves and move on.

It sounds like neither you or your partner have any parental control of your DS- I mean that kindly, his behaviour sounds at the extreme end of attention needing, coupled with a lack of boundaries, presence or authority from either of you. This needs to be your absolute wake up call. Your sons behaviour and the subsequent reaction from your DP is stemming from your home environment.
All behaviour from a child is a form of communication- I wonder what he is trying to say? He is not having a good time and you owe it to him to make changes.
Contact Early help or school and be honest about the parenting support you need.

deliberately wee’d himself on the floor and then stood there smiling saying “wasnt me”.

That’s not normal for a 6 yr old.

WTF is going on here?

Yep! Also this child is dealing with a new sibling and a mentally ill and checked out dad.

How often is your dp alone with your son?

How long has your sons behaviour been like this?

How long have you and dp been together?

Being laid down crying saying he's a monster after hitting your 6 yo may be a reasonable reaction, or it could well be a manipulator at work. It's very hard to say which with the information you've given here.

Regardless, your family clearly needs some help,my first port of call tomorrow would be the school, tell them exactly what happened, and they will hopefully make a referral to SS, which will hopefully help you access some help, the school will also be on board with supporting your son as well. Nobody can help you if they don't know what's going on though.

I think the behaviour of your child is very disturbing. The fact he went to bed quietly after your partner hit him and broke down says a lot. Your child is pushing you to the limit and knows it. Maybe it's the fact he just got a new sibling, maybe he doesn't like your partner? Whatever the reason, his behaviour is absolutely not o.k. and I think you should look for counseling. I agree your partner shouldn't have hit him, we don't hit children, your partner should be able to control himself. You say he has fragile mental health, in these circumstances I would like to give him some time to heal himself. It would be good if your child could be convinced to "not shout, swear, throw things, or be getting right in dp’s face, pushing and laughing when told off" as you mention. It would take a saint to nót react to that behaviour. And no, I don't condone the hitting, but I do understand where it came from.

No, you are wrong. If you say this I don’t think you can have seen a 6 year old boy in a melt down rage. A man could grab them and hold them so tightly they can’t move but it all risks escalating into further violence. His mother could try the same and probably be punched, bitten or kicked.

Children behave this way sometimes out of unexpressed stress, trauma and anger, and some may possibly be autistic and responding to stress and trauma.

He did walk away, multiple times. The kid pissed on the floor in front of him. He was being deliberately antagonistic, and knew full well he was being so as he was told this repeatedly.