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Original poster

dp hit my ds tonight and i cant stop shaking

260 replies

justsooverwhelmed89 · 08/01/2026 20:25

hi, sorry if this is all over the place this is my first post and im typing one handed with the baby on me

i dont even know if im in the right place. im really shaken and panicking a bit and just need to know if im overreacting or if this is as bad as it feels right now.

tonight dp hit my ds (6). it was one smack but it was in anger and i saw it happen and i cant get it out of my head.

before anyone jumps on me please understand the context. ds has very challenging behaviour. lots of shouting, swearing, throwing things, getting right in dp’s face, pushing and laughing when told off. tonight he’d been at dp for over an hour, constant noise, screaming, throwing toys, deliberately wee’d himself on the floor and then stood there smiling saying “wasnt me”. dp kept telling him to go upstairs, to stop, to leave him alone. ds followed him room to room shouting.

dp has been signed off work for his mental health, anxiety and depression, and has really struggled lately esp with ds. he gets overwhelmed by noise and confrontation and i could see him getting more and more wound up. i told ds to go upstairs, he refused, dp told him again, ds squared up to him and shouted right in his face.

and dp just snapped. he smacked him on the arm/side. ds screamed, i screamed, dp immediately backed away and started saying “oh my god what have i done”. he didnt hit him again. he didnt leave a mark. but it happened.

dp is now downstairs on the sofa crying saying he’s a monster and he should leave. ds calmed down weirdly quickly and is now in bed. baby is asleep on me (for now).

this has NEVER happened before. dp is not violent. hes gentle if anything. he hates shouting. i feel like im defending him already and i dont even know why.

i dont know what im asking. am i being stupid for thinking this is a huge line crossed? do i need to do something? report it? leave? or am i allowed to see this as a one off that happened because everything is just too much right now?

please be kind, im exhausted and shaking and already feel like the worst mum in the world. i just need some perspective 😞

OP posts:
PixieTales · 08/01/2026 22:34

justsooverwhelmed89 · 08/01/2026 21:46

yes he is his dad so obviously this is really tearing me up even more because i know he loves him and would never normally do anything like this but the way things have been for months now it just built up to tonight, its not like its a normal thing at all

he does not have any SEN or diagnosis, school have said he’s just a bit loud and challenging and that they dont see anything that needs extra support, they have tried saying things like use parenting strategies and ignore minor stuff but its not really that simple and i do feel blamed for it a lot even if they dont say it directly

this has been going on since he was tiny really with the intense behaviour but the last year or so it’s gotten worse and more direct at dp, constant shouting, deliberately breaking rules, swearing for reaction, running after him, waking him up early etc, dp does not have a positive relationship with him at all, he’s much closer with our 2yo normally but now he’s started copying the same behaviours too which is making it even harder

consequences at home are just time outs, taking toys away, taking him out of the room, removing privileges but it only works sometimes and most of the time he laughs at being told off and it just escalates, tonight he was literally laughing and shouting while dp tried to get him to stop

i didnt intervene because i was holding the baby and also i knew if i got between them it would just escalate things even more and i honestly didnt know what else to do, i was frozen and terrified of making it worse, i feel awful for standing there and watching it happen but i didnt see any other way to keep everyone safe, i feel like i failed both of them

i’ll read all the replies properly in the morning, im exhausted

He sounds like a psychopath. Zero remorse, laughing in peoples faces after causing distress.

I feel sorry for DH, deliberately waking him up and shouting/swearing in his face. That is totally unacceptable and like I said assuming no SEN then he sounds psychotic.

Crochetandtea · 08/01/2026 22:34

user1476613140 · 08/01/2026 22:29

I should really report this.

Have you had a 6 or 7yo reach for a knife wanting to stab you?

No? Thought not.

Please don't patronise other parents who get verbally and physically assaulted. DH and myself have photo evidence of being assaulted by our youngest. 7yo at the time. He's waiting to be assessed by CAMHS.

Show quote history

There is no mention of nd in the original post. Your child sounds deeply disturbed and I’m glad you’re getting help.
Just because some children are struggling to cope doesn’t mean some don’t just need to learn who’s in charge. If you’re doubting my opinion that’s entirely understandable because of your lived experience. However, please have a google of the issues facing a huge numbers of schools today. Those children are NOT all ND so something else is going on!

Billyillmissyou · 08/01/2026 22:31

user1476613140 · 08/01/2026 22:29

I should really report this.

Have you had a 6 or 7yo reach for a knife wanting to stab you?

No? Thought not.

Please don't patronise other parents who get verbally and physically assaulted. DH and myself have photo evidence of being assaulted by our youngest. 7yo at the time. He's waiting to be assessed by CAMHS.

Show quote history

Why didn’t this type of behaviour happen 50 years ago when parents disciplined their children?. We didn’t dare answer back, let alone show any violence.

user1476613140 · 08/01/2026 22:29

Crochetandtea · 08/01/2026 21:56

Noone needs help to parent a headstrong 6 year old. Wise up! Unless they’re really crap parents.

Show quote history

I should really report this.

Have you had a 6 or 7yo reach for a knife wanting to stab you?

No? Thought not.

Please don't patronise other parents who get verbally and physically assaulted. DH and myself have photo evidence of being assaulted by our youngest. 7yo at the time. He's waiting to be assessed by CAMHS.

FortnumsWeddingBreakfastTeaPlease · 08/01/2026 22:29

Crochetandtea · 08/01/2026 22:23

You honestly think the number of neurodivergent children outnumbers the number of rubbish parents? Go and chat to some teachers. It’s most definitely the poor parenting today which allows children to think they rule the roost. There are a lot of weak adults whose world revolves around their little darlings. They’re really not doing them any favours in the long run.

Show quote history

This.

As the mother of one diagnosed ND child, one NT and another suspected NF child, every bit of this.

There's also this bizarre notion that you can't possibly be a crap parent if your child is ND. And how dare anyone suggest that.

99% of the time, irrespective of the child's diagnosis, or lack thereof, it's the parents actions that are the key issue.

Crochetandtea · 08/01/2026 22:27

WincyWince · 08/01/2026 22:04

This is an insane take. ‘Crap parents’ need help the most!

Show quote history

And who do you think will teach them ? It’s not exactly rocket science to discipline a child. Do we need to pay more taxes because a few parents can’t deal with their own 6 year olds. Seriously. The child isn’t neurodivergent so most likely just incredibly headstrong and stubborn and bordering on bullying his mentally unstable father.

Billyillmissyou · 08/01/2026 22:25

Crochetandtea · 08/01/2026 22:23

You honestly think the number of neurodivergent children outnumbers the number of rubbish parents? Go and chat to some teachers. It’s most definitely the poor parenting today which allows children to think they rule the roost. There are a lot of weak adults whose world revolves around their little darlings. They’re really not doing them any favours in the long run.

Show quote history

This!
A six year old should not be allowed to refuse to go upstairs when told to do so.

WhineAndWine1 · 08/01/2026 22:25

@Barnbrack or he’s just a little brat and needs to be parented ?

Crochetandtea · 08/01/2026 22:23

ScrollingLeaves · 08/01/2026 22:00

You evidently do not know what this sort of behaviour is about. You should stop your crap parent accusations as it is not helpful.

Show quote history

You honestly think the number of neurodivergent children outnumbers the number of rubbish parents? Go and chat to some teachers. It’s most definitely the poor parenting today which allows children to think they rule the roost. There are a lot of weak adults whose world revolves around their little darlings. They’re really not doing them any favours in the long run.

Barnbrack · 08/01/2026 22:17

justsooverwhelmed89 · 08/01/2026 21:46

yes he is his dad so obviously this is really tearing me up even more because i know he loves him and would never normally do anything like this but the way things have been for months now it just built up to tonight, its not like its a normal thing at all

he does not have any SEN or diagnosis, school have said he’s just a bit loud and challenging and that they dont see anything that needs extra support, they have tried saying things like use parenting strategies and ignore minor stuff but its not really that simple and i do feel blamed for it a lot even if they dont say it directly

this has been going on since he was tiny really with the intense behaviour but the last year or so it’s gotten worse and more direct at dp, constant shouting, deliberately breaking rules, swearing for reaction, running after him, waking him up early etc, dp does not have a positive relationship with him at all, he’s much closer with our 2yo normally but now he’s started copying the same behaviours too which is making it even harder

consequences at home are just time outs, taking toys away, taking him out of the room, removing privileges but it only works sometimes and most of the time he laughs at being told off and it just escalates, tonight he was literally laughing and shouting while dp tried to get him to stop

i didnt intervene because i was holding the baby and also i knew if i got between them it would just escalate things even more and i honestly didnt know what else to do, i was frozen and terrified of making it worse, i feel awful for standing there and watching it happen but i didnt see any other way to keep everyone safe, i feel like i failed both of them

i’ll read all the replies properly in the morning, im exhausted

I'd say school is wrong and this IS neurodivergence.

However you are not managing his behaviour at all and you're also leveling blame at him for the relationship his dad has with him

His dad favours his brother, his mum is always busy with his brother, the only attention he can get is by badgering you both until he gets that attention.

What positive things are you doing? How much 1-1 time is he getting? How much exercise and time outside does he get? What does after school look like? Etc etc.

You can't just say your child has challenging behaviour whether neurodivergent or not and leave it at that.

You sure it as jumping off point to find a way to manage your child's behaviour, to look for the reasons, to find what strategies help him de escalate. And waiting until he's 6 to start putting that in place is a problem.

Also swear words, why does a 6 yr old know swear words? Because my child with challenging behaviour doesn't swear at me because while at 7 he now knows swear words he doesn't hear them in context at home EVER so he just wouldn't. Where did your child hear the swear words?

Look at your child and your parenting and find a way to help

Letsswitchitup · 08/01/2026 22:09

frowningnotdrowning · 08/01/2026 20:37

" i could see him getting more and more wound up. i told ds to go upstairs, he refused"

Why on earth did you watch this happen for an hour? I would have picked him up and taken him upstairs 5 minutes into this shit show.

This!

Barney16 · 08/01/2026 22:05

I think you should have put the baby down some where safe and taken over. Your child was disregulated and got more and more worked up. I had a very angry child and in the circumstances described I would have picked him up and taken him upstairs. I don't think your partner sounds well enough to cope to be honest.

WincyWince · 08/01/2026 22:04

Crochetandtea · 08/01/2026 21:56

Noone needs help to parent a headstrong 6 year old. Wise up! Unless they’re really crap parents.

Show quote history

This is an insane take. ‘Crap parents’ need help the most!

ScrollingLeaves · 08/01/2026 22:00

Crochetandtea · 08/01/2026 21:56

Noone needs help to parent a headstrong 6 year old. Wise up! Unless they’re really crap parents.

Show quote history

You evidently do not know what this sort of behaviour is about. You should stop your crap parent accusations as it is not helpful.

Crochetandtea · 08/01/2026 21:56

socialdilemmawhattodo · 08/01/2026 21:52

For me early help was provided initially through a charity. Wonderful people. But sorry cannot remember the name.

Show quote history

Noone needs help to parent a headstrong 6 year old. Wise up! Unless they’re really crap parents.

SabrinaThwaite · 08/01/2026 21:55

You need to take your DS out of the situation. Tell him that his behaviour is unacceptable and that you are too angry to deal with him right now but will be back in 10 minutes to talk about it. Gives both sides some time to calm down.

He’s 6. What are you going to do if this continues? What will happen when he’s 15 and 6 ft tall?

Crochetandtea · 08/01/2026 21:54

justsooverwhelmed89 · 08/01/2026 21:46

yes he is his dad so obviously this is really tearing me up even more because i know he loves him and would never normally do anything like this but the way things have been for months now it just built up to tonight, its not like its a normal thing at all

he does not have any SEN or diagnosis, school have said he’s just a bit loud and challenging and that they dont see anything that needs extra support, they have tried saying things like use parenting strategies and ignore minor stuff but its not really that simple and i do feel blamed for it a lot even if they dont say it directly

this has been going on since he was tiny really with the intense behaviour but the last year or so it’s gotten worse and more direct at dp, constant shouting, deliberately breaking rules, swearing for reaction, running after him, waking him up early etc, dp does not have a positive relationship with him at all, he’s much closer with our 2yo normally but now he’s started copying the same behaviours too which is making it even harder

consequences at home are just time outs, taking toys away, taking him out of the room, removing privileges but it only works sometimes and most of the time he laughs at being told off and it just escalates, tonight he was literally laughing and shouting while dp tried to get him to stop

i didnt intervene because i was holding the baby and also i knew if i got between them it would just escalate things even more and i honestly didnt know what else to do, i was frozen and terrified of making it worse, i feel awful for standing there and watching it happen but i didnt see any other way to keep everyone safe, i feel like i failed both of them

i’ll read all the replies properly in the morning, im exhausted

You stood back and let your mentally unwell husband deal with this for an hour? You’re more to blame than your dh who had had enough. I guarantee your son now knows who the boss is and you may find that the threat of a slap is all that’s needed in future. I’m not condoning violence but if you don’t sort his behaviour out now it will escalate as he gets older and it will not be good for any of you. School are telling you because their hands are tied, you need to sort him out and teach him how to behave at school. He needs to learn about consequences.

socialdilemmawhattodo · 08/01/2026 21:52

MeganM3 · 08/01/2026 21:15

Everyone suggesting getting professional help but it is SO hard to get any. From experience, it’s taken multiple assessments (time and financially costly) long winded meetings with multiple agencies and approximately 2.5 years and a child suicide attempt to get the most rudimentary support for ND difficult behaviour DC. It is not something they give out easily, and it’s not exactly life changing assistance anyway.
There is no professional NHS/SS help coming your way easily or for a while. What they offer is very basic and difficult to obtain.

For me early help was provided initially through a charity. Wonderful people. But sorry cannot remember the name.

BlackCatDiscoClub · 08/01/2026 21:50

justsooverwhelmed89 · 08/01/2026 21:46

yes he is his dad so obviously this is really tearing me up even more because i know he loves him and would never normally do anything like this but the way things have been for months now it just built up to tonight, its not like its a normal thing at all

he does not have any SEN or diagnosis, school have said he’s just a bit loud and challenging and that they dont see anything that needs extra support, they have tried saying things like use parenting strategies and ignore minor stuff but its not really that simple and i do feel blamed for it a lot even if they dont say it directly

this has been going on since he was tiny really with the intense behaviour but the last year or so it’s gotten worse and more direct at dp, constant shouting, deliberately breaking rules, swearing for reaction, running after him, waking him up early etc, dp does not have a positive relationship with him at all, he’s much closer with our 2yo normally but now he’s started copying the same behaviours too which is making it even harder

consequences at home are just time outs, taking toys away, taking him out of the room, removing privileges but it only works sometimes and most of the time he laughs at being told off and it just escalates, tonight he was literally laughing and shouting while dp tried to get him to stop

i didnt intervene because i was holding the baby and also i knew if i got between them it would just escalate things even more and i honestly didnt know what else to do, i was frozen and terrified of making it worse, i feel awful for standing there and watching it happen but i didnt see any other way to keep everyone safe, i feel like i failed both of them

i’ll read all the replies properly in the morning, im exhausted

What about rewards though? Consequences for bad behaviour is only one side, you also need to be positively rewarding and reinforcing every instance of good behaviour. Star charts, or if he is money motivated earning 5p each time he does something well. Otherwise you end up in a cycle of misbehave, consequences, kid is angry and upset, misbehaves, consequence and on it goes.

FortnumsWeddingBreakfastTeaPlease · 08/01/2026 21:50

LunaDeBallona · 08/01/2026 21:28

I don’t think you have got a clue what it is like to be attacked by a -in my case neurodiverse- child.
It’s not an excuse and they don’t just ‘thrash about’ and ‘might….kick on the shin’.
Kids scratch, bite, rip out hair, kick, punch - and because it’s your child you dont retaliate like you would if you were being attacked by a non related person.
If only l had thought to carry my child up the stairs while restraining them. It’s clearly as simple as that. 🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️
You have no idea and your comment is patronising and misjudged.

Show quote history

You seem to have missed where I said I have a 17yr old who was a violent child.

So as opposed to "haven't got a clue" try "could write the fucking textbook"

One of the mums at a group we went to, also couldn't restrain her child. It was a 7yr old girl in question. Causing merry hell and swinging for her mother because she didn't want to get in the car. It happened most weeks and the mum would say that it was impossible to put her in the car and she'd do this dance for up to an hour. One week, of the other mums, simply said, "may I?" picked her up and put her in the car seat. She was still swinging. But she did it. The other mum said the following week that her DD obviously was just behaving better because it wasn't her mum trying to put her in the car, but you could see quite clearly that the child was swinging exactly the same at this other woman.

It's easy to make snide comments that the other woman is such a wonderful mother, have a gold star, have a medal. The fact is, some parents will refuse to entertain this a possibility, even if someone else in a borderline identical situation is showing evidence to the contrary.

Original poster
justsooverwhelmed89 · 08/01/2026 21:46

yes he is his dad so obviously this is really tearing me up even more because i know he loves him and would never normally do anything like this but the way things have been for months now it just built up to tonight, its not like its a normal thing at all

he does not have any SEN or diagnosis, school have said he’s just a bit loud and challenging and that they dont see anything that needs extra support, they have tried saying things like use parenting strategies and ignore minor stuff but its not really that simple and i do feel blamed for it a lot even if they dont say it directly

this has been going on since he was tiny really with the intense behaviour but the last year or so it’s gotten worse and more direct at dp, constant shouting, deliberately breaking rules, swearing for reaction, running after him, waking him up early etc, dp does not have a positive relationship with him at all, he’s much closer with our 2yo normally but now he’s started copying the same behaviours too which is making it even harder

consequences at home are just time outs, taking toys away, taking him out of the room, removing privileges but it only works sometimes and most of the time he laughs at being told off and it just escalates, tonight he was literally laughing and shouting while dp tried to get him to stop

i didnt intervene because i was holding the baby and also i knew if i got between them it would just escalate things even more and i honestly didnt know what else to do, i was frozen and terrified of making it worse, i feel awful for standing there and watching it happen but i didnt see any other way to keep everyone safe, i feel like i failed both of them

i’ll read all the replies properly in the morning, im exhausted

OP posts:
ScrollingLeaves · 08/01/2026 21:43

LunaDeBallona · 08/01/2026 21:28

I don’t think you have got a clue what it is like to be attacked by a -in my case neurodiverse- child.
It’s not an excuse and they don’t just ‘thrash about’ and ‘might….kick on the shin’.
Kids scratch, bite, rip out hair, kick, punch - and because it’s your child you dont retaliate like you would if you were being attacked by a non related person.
If only l had thought to carry my child up the stairs while restraining them. It’s clearly as simple as that. 🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️🤦🏼‍♀️
You have no idea and your comment is patronising and misjudged.

Show quote history

I agree that poster had no clue.

Sassylovesbooks · 08/01/2026 21:43

Your son's behaviour is not normal, on any level. Do you have support in place for him? Does he display this kind of behaviour at school too? What consequences are there for your son, when his behaviour is poor? Your son is 6, he's already aggressive, what happens in a few years time, when he's bigger and stronger than you? You could not only have an aggressive child, but a violent one too. Your husband is suffering from MH issues, and if you're all having to deal with your son's behaviour, then I'm not surprised, he has.

Of course your husband shouldn't have hit your son. Does it make him a monster? Given the circumstances, no, it doesn't. It's a man who is suffering with MH issues, driven to the end of his tether and he lashed out. What support is your husband having with his MH issues? Is your son's behaviour the reason or part of the reason why your husband is struggling?

You need to seek support from your son's school and/or refer yourself for Early Help with SS. Your son needs urgent intervention and your husband needs support.

Alloveragain44 · 08/01/2026 21:42

I think any person who says heyd never smack their child has never been pushed to their limit. It's a one off, your husband is upset and contrite. I'd focus on moving forward and getting the support that your husband and child need. Your son sounds extremely challenging, maybe this has shocked him into some sort of reflection about his behaviour.

Imaginingdragonsagain · 08/01/2026 21:40

I wouldn’t blame DP.