dp hit my ds tonight and i cant stop shaking

To judge a mother who is already feeling guilty and broken is not helpful.

@justsooverwhelmed89 You need strategies for next time: give the baby to DH and tell him to go away. You deal with 6 year old. Sternly, firmly and don't let him provoke you. I have had/have the same at home with one ds(asd). I get into robot mode and tell him what I expect. When younger I physically removed him.

It taught some people to fear those bigger than them, and in time they became people who found it difficult to not bully smaller people - the world is full of people who claim “I was smacked and it never harmed me” whilst those around them can see what dickheads they’ve become!

I’m sick of SN parents and professionals assuming that their children (or those they have learned about whilst gaining qualifications) are the standard blueprint for SN, and then lack the ability to see that not all children are the same. It leads to judgement and lack of support. PDA (and other presentations of ASD, ADHD and some trauma based mental illnesses) manifest in very challenging ways, and too often the first port of call is to blame parents - exactly as we’re seeing from several posters here - your 6 year old can be picked up and removed from the situation because I could do that with mine - and there’s no glimmer of recognition that their experiences may not be the same as others. It’s pure ignorance and only hurts those they are slating.

It does sound like he’s had a lot to contend with in the last few years, births of two siblings and being raised by a parent with mental health problems, and possibly in a tense argumentative environment if he’s repeating swear words? Sounds like he’s seeking desperately attention of the positive kind.

Young children do wake up early and seek out their parent first thing. That’s not unusual or “bad” behaviour. It’s just life with young kids.

Your DP will struggle to be emotionally present and able to engage with the child while he’s anxious and depressed. What treatment is your DP getting? Is he exercising etc? He needs to “put his own oxygen mask on before he helps others”.

What about for next few days Dp takes the baby out for a pram walk for 45 minutes while you have undivided positive 1:1 time with the 6 year old. He needs that. Draw together or do a jigsaw and chat. Play imaginary games with him. Ask him questions. Have a long bath with toys in it. Anything. Unconditional positive love everyday, no excuses.

Is it really the end of the world? Such drama!

He’s already out of control. I’d have him at the GP.

I can't control my 5 year old when he's in meltdown mode. Trying to remove him from a room would result in a lot more than a kicked leg. DS is severely autistic but incredibly strong. I have bruises all over where he's hurt me.
You might think it's simple to pick up a 6 year old and move them but that depends on the child.
OP I don't think your partner is a monster, he's just human. He's already suffering with his mental health and your DS kept pushing until he snapped. I'm more concerned about your DSs behaviour than your DPs. Is he acting like this because of a new sibling?
I think you need to talk to the GP or school nursing team might be better. You really do need support and some will run parenting classes. I attended one (quite a few years ago) and while what I learned in class wasn't all that helpful having the support of the group was.

I'm so sorry you are all going through this. It sounds incredibly hard.

It does sound like you all need external intervention. Your husband needs counselling for his MH. I can imagine his son's behaviour is making him more ill and he snapped.

Your reaction to the incident is different to what I would expect, as you mention you want to report him, even though he is very unwell, immediately feels terrible about it, and was pushed to extremes without help. It is never right to hit a child but he just sounds like someone who snapped for the first time ever and would never do it again.

I would say speak to a health visitor and a GP about your son's behaviour (which sounds very intense), let them signpost you to organisations that may support. They might make a referral to CAHMS though that can take years to get help, but at least there is a bit of hope.

It looks like you all need support and I really hope you find it.

Your husband put up with this behavior for over an hour before smacking your son on the arm? I think he deserves some credit for making it over an hour before he finally snapped.

What an awful situation for your husband. How is he going to get well? DS’s behaviour has probs ly contributed to him being unwell.
How is DS’s room? You probably need to make it safe so you can pit him there for timeout?

You all definitely need help. I hope you get it.

Uk law? It's completely banned in Scotland and Wales. So it absolutely is illegal in parts of the UK.

Under current UK law, smacking is not illegal. It is classed as "reasonable chastisement"

Whether you agree with that or not is irrelevant, its not illegal.

You don't hit. You always remove the child or remove yourself.
It sounds like the child has mh issues, though. Not easy.

Don't be so stupid. Violence is never acceptable and smacking children is illegal. Get a grip! 😡

He was pushed beyond his limits. The child should have been removed from the situation one way or another before it got to this stage though. Your son is controlling the house and that needs to stop.

I'm very very anti smacking but I can understand why it happened. Your other half needs to cut himself a bit of slack.

You need to step in and stop a situation escalating like this especially while your husband is ill.

This boy is going to be absolutely out of control by the time he’s 14, OP. The two of you need to get a grip on this. He needs you to be firm and robust with him. Not walking on eggshells, terrified of “making things worse”.

@Jlou yes I agree it is very difficult to manhandle someone when violent. I was 'beaten' by a 3 yr old on a few occasions, kicked repeatedly in the stomach while pregnant, headbutted into the nose while trying to pin hands down from behind. Thankfully for us it was a relatively brief phase and my heart goes out to any parent with this issue ongoing.

Private OT was a game changer for us and taught us how to regulate a child with sensory seeking issues and meltdowns became very rare. Being generally difficult and defiant was another issue however, but again strategies can be put in place to deal with behaviours, usually involving immediate consequences and keeping very calm.

The dp put up with this for a full hour, he doesn’t have anger issues. If anything, he’s too passive and should have stood up sooner before it got to this point

I agree but what when the child punches and kicks the door? Children like this don't just walk away. What do you advise then?

No criticism just curious.

But it did. And yes also as a parent of a child with SEN sick of poor parenting from weak parents and followers who seem to believe that SEN means they shouldn't parent properly. SEN is not an excuse and should not be used as an excuse for poor behaviour.

I genuinely, hand on heart, don’t think this is a big of a catastrophe as you both think it is.

I think this is not SEN and some form of personality disorder. I’d be taking him to a psychiatrist. Something isn’t right here

See how ds acts tomorrow and maybe add smacking to your toolbox

On the adults who are meant to be parenting him and seeing to his needs but aren't yes

Except you literally just blamed everyone else to excuse this child’s behaviour:

a checked out father with depression, a younger sibling who is overtly preferred and a mother who isn't eeking help for him

You seem quite comfortable placing the blame on everyone else within the family.

OP said that he isnt diagnosed ND, big difference.