dp hit my ds tonight and i cant stop shaking

He's 6, not 16

This^^

Under the circumstances it's hardly the end of the world.

Are you getting any support for your son? That kind of behaviour at 6 would really concern me. It's already very manipulative and explosive and I'd be worried about how dangerous he could be in years to come.
I don't think your husband is a monster. I can't condone hitting a child but I can imagine struggling with your mental health and being goaded relentlessly would push you to your limits. He probably needs to be away from your son for a whole for both their sakes.

Sorry, that's an excuse.

6yr old boys are not feeble little 6mth olds, sure. And yes they could thrash about. But let's not pretend an adult couldn't pick them up and restrain them to take them upstairs. Yeah, she might get a kick in the shin. He's 6, not 16.

People need to stop making excuses that the most obvious solution isn't possible, because this helps no one.

This has crossed a line but isn't the end of the world. DP needs to be away from DS for a while I think to focus on himself and maybe get specific help for anger management. Ds now understands that Dad has a limit. It's time to address his behaviour if you haven't already done so. I'd say DP takes a few days off and you schedule a meeting without DS present and work out where you are going for help, make a short term and long term plan.

I had a similar situation, dh didn't hit but came so close and we both thought he was about to. DS was extremely difficult and intentionally provoked but is ND too. Short version, that moment was the catalyst for DP to get counselling which ultimately pointed to ND which i already suspected. Although he hadn't hit, he was shouting and arguing back all the time and it was hell to live with. Now he has techniques to stop escalation and DS doesn't provoke as much.

Mine picked them up from older children at school, cousins, overhearing other people swearing.
Swear words are all around us.

What professional help are you getting for your son?. We all have a breaking point. The situation is untenable with your fragile husband.

Exactly. Sounds like he deserved it

@ScrollingLeaves I have two sons, I know how strong they could be. She should have handed the baby off to DP, it probably is his child and then still taken the 6 year old out of the room, physically.

You cannot parent out of fear of being hurt, they get bigger and stronger and if you don't nip it in the bud now then it just gets out of control and people are back on here posting that their 12 year old son punched them.

He probably would have attacked her. She was holding the baby too. Boys this age in a rage are very strong.

This!

Exactly what consequences did your child have for any of this appalling behaviour other than you telling them to go upstairs and them ignore that as well?

He’s human, he snapped under extreme circumstances. Having been in similar circumstances I’d recommend you seek some help for your ds so things in your home can be calmer.

In case it helps my ds was just like this at 6. He has PDA - learning various strategies and making sure each parent had regular breaks etc made a difference.

Is your DP his dad? Knowing that he has significant mental health issues atm I’m struggling to understand why you didn’t intervene properly when it became evident that your DS behaviour was causing him to become more and more agitated (he was removing himself from the situation and DS was following him, he was trying to diffuse it from what you’ve described). It’s not ideal by any means but as an isolated incident from someone who is going through a mental health crisis and who was being pushed I don’t think I’d label him a monster. I do think you need to seek help for DS behaviour if you’ve not done so already and further help for DP, and most likely yourself as you have a lot on your plate with these challenges and a baby as well.

" i could see him getting more and more wound up. i told ds to go upstairs, he refused"

Why on earth did you watch this happen for an hour? I would have picked him up and taken him upstairs 5 minutes into this shit show.

The light bulb phrase I heard on a parenting podcast was: Kids don't give you a hard time, they're having a hard time.

Your dh is struggling with mh. This has to be affecting your ds who seems to be crying out for attention. Children aren't little adults. They do not process or understand the way we do - or the way we want them to. The can't just give us space because they need us.

Your dh needs help, ie counselling and medication.
Get help for your ds, child therapy, family therapy.

Probably a good lesson to your ds. How does he know so many swear words at age 6?

It was wrong but understandable to snap like this.

Use this as a beginning. DS’s difficult, dreadful behaviour will not improve with a violent reaction. Something is wrong for DS, school, new baby, trauma …. something. See if your GO can refer you for help. Read, get help with how to look after a child behaving this way.

Many older people on mumsnet will have been smacked as children. Everyone now recognises this is wrong and will not work. But it seems very unlikely your DH is a horrific, violent abuser because of this one incident.

this.
although maybe your child will behave better now…. but it’s still time to seek help, both of them need it.

Your son sounds relentless and I'm not surprised DP snapped. That type of behaviour would be enough to send anyone over the edge.

Why does DS behave like that?

I don’t think he’s a monster. I think that people have limits and life isn’t black and white.

Maybe your son will think twice before he behaves like that again 🤷🏻‍♀️

oh my comment was to the first one about making a mountain out of a molehill.

Whilst obviously this shouldn’t have happened, it has. The circumstances you describe give some insight into why it escalated into this.

Your DS is ok, he’s not injured. You aren’t a bad mum, you haven’t done anything wrong.

Going forward you both need to make sure this never happens again. Work together and support each other. From what you’ve told us, I don’t believe you need to report this or leave. I would suggest DP accesses an anger management course.

I think this needs to be the trigger for you seeking some professional support for DSs behaviour. Has he experienced trauma? Does he have some needs which aren’t being addressed? Do you need some new parenting strategies? He sounds like a troubled little boy. But he is only 6, there is time to turn this around. Let this be the trigger.

Is ds dp's ds? Honestly where do you think ds gets his anger issues from? School?
Gaming? TV?
Friends?
Relatives?
Response to abuse of some kind?
Have you sent a GP?