Adult DC visiting from New Zealand - how would you feel about this?

I think almost everyone on this thread have agreed that she really hasn't spent enough time with you, as do I, but I'm also inclined to agree with the few posters who have pointed out that you should have agreed to the lunch she suggested. It seems like you will only accept seeing her if she stays overnight and this is what she seems to be pushing back on,
what with offering you lunch meet ups with the caveat of having other plans after.

When she does stay overnight what is the dynamic? Are you expecting them to be glued to you all day and all evening, or is it a bit looser?
For example you all have breakfast together, maybe go for a walk after and then you get on with whatever at home whilst your daughter meets a friend for the afternoon then reconvening with you for dinner. If the former then perhaps they feel suffocated. Perhaps the set up at her husband's Dad's house is more like the latter and they prefer to stay there because of this and the fact their friends are local to him. Regardless, why didn't you take up her offer of lunch, why did you say yes let's have lunch and then you can stay the night when she had clearly said that they needed (or simply just wanted) to return to their base for the evening?

I think its ok to message her and say you are really disappointed they have not had much time for you at all. Is there anyway they can make some time before they go.

Id be sad. I wouldn't spoil the visit though. I do feel there is witheld background information.

Honestly I do still think it might be as simple as, she speaks to you more and has seen you more so thinks she needs to make time for others.
But the more I read your responses I realise that her responses to you about being busy, about only being available for lunch, are exactly what I would say to one of my parents in this situation, simply because I dont find spending time with them that enjoyable. They would say we have a good relationship, but they do lots of things to wind me up and dont react well if I try and gently pull them up on it in an attempt to improve the relationship for me. So I just dont bother, but I limit the time I spend with them because the more time I spend with them, the more things they do that upset me and then I want to spend even less time with them! Its hard to accept this might be the case, but the transition from parent/child to a more even keel relationship is tricky, and maybe there's a personality clash at play that they have not drawn attention to because they dont want to upset you and just want to keep things nice?
Also, my other parent has a partner who i barely tolerate, and wouldnt want to spend any more than the bare minimum time at all. I did pick up that you say they get on fine with DH and he has been in their life a long time - same circumstances here, but we are just very different people and I dont enjoy their company whatsoever. Again, I dont see the point in raising - its their personality, im not expecting them to change, I just dont want to be around it.

Yes, this, if my adult children were coming all that way I'd make damned sure I'd discussed with them beforehand if booking a week off work would mean we would be able to see more of each other, and if so, I would book it off.

i would be so upset too.

”Behaviour is a language”. I’m sorry to be blunt but her behaviour says she doesn’t want to spend time with you/your DH (or both). There MUST be a backstory/something you are unaware of. There isn’t really another explanation for her deliberately avoiding spending time with you after traveling such a long way for such an extended period of time. I think you need to, calmly, ask her.

That's not how I read it. Her DD said she couldn't stay and could only meet for lunch so they never saw each other - seems a bit "cutting your nose off to spite your face" to me.

OP also went all the way to New Zealand, stayed in a hotel near her DD for 5 days then disappeared elsewhere to travel and didn't see her again, so maybe they're not all that close.

It sounds like OP has tried too do this.

OP I can understand not wanting to make a big deal out of it, but maybe there is a middle ground where you can gently say that you are disappointed/ upset not to be spending more time with them?

If you don’t mention this, they don’t have the opportunity to do anything before they leave. At least this way they do. If they still don’t offer anything, at least you’ve been honest.

Keeping my fingers crossed.

Could you show her this thread?

Very hurtful OP. But probably not intended. They’ve come over to catch up with friends, have fun and brag about their new life in NZ. They stay with the boyfriend’s dad because he’s convenient for their social plans, don’t take it too personally.

Do they have to do everything as a couple? Do you? Could you maybe arrange a catch up just with your DD and leave DH and the BF out of it?

I understand why you don’t want to make an issue of it but I think it’s OK to say you miss her and would love to be able to see a bit more of her before she goes back.

Do the dads work? What struck me is you sent your shift pattern to them to work around, maybe the dads are at home or booked time off work. Do the dads give them more money than you? If not, then either they just want to convenience of being near their friends or there may be something they are not telling you about preferring to stay elsewhere.

I would be very hurt and I would tell her why.

OP I feel so bloody sorry for you but I did wonder why you only saw your daughter for 5 days when you travelled all that way to NZ .
I am definitely not trying to lay the blame at you but just wondering if there was a problem in NZ .
For context I visited my son in Australia a few weeks ago and saw him most evenings after he finished work and we went on trips every weekend ie Great Ocean Rd ,Sydney and Philip Island…am sure he was very happy to wave his Mum off when I came bac to UK 🤦‍♀️
I sincerely hope you get to the bottom of this and that you feel happier when your daughter goes back to NZ .X

This is her Mum though!

I would be incredibly hurt. I’m really sorry. I have a son who is going to love abroad and I would be absolutely gutted.

I'm sorry OP but what a selfish cow.
She will know damn well how upsetting hardly seeing her would be to you.
My experience - family in OZ - is very much out of sight out of mind. Even through serious illness and trying so hard to keep it all going. It's not the first time I've come across this either through friends and colleagues.

I really would let yourdaughter know it is making you sad. She is probably unaware and would want to make you happy if she knew. You are her mum. I rarely let my adult children know how i feel but your situation is exceptional.

Yep. I wonder if all the posters bleating about how awful your DD is have missed this, OP? Because if my mum travelled all the way to New Zealand to see me and then pissed off after five days to do other things I'm not sure I'd be all that inclined to spend much time visiting her on my next trip either...

Wow OP, my mum would certainly not tiptoe around the issue and tell me straight how hurtful my behaviour was. I just came from a 14-day visit to my parents who live abroad (but we stayed at my own flat) and bar for 2 nights I saw them every day - whether just to hang out or to have lunch/dinner/go out.

I think you should be straight with your daughter about how hurt you feel.

Wow, that's absolutely awful. Unless there's something serious you've not mentioned, your daughter's behaviour is either deliberately cruel or incredibly insensitive.

Who could be more important than your parents?
Unless there is an issue OP hasn’t mentioned or doesn’t yet know about.

If OP said it was a DS visiting from NZ rather than a DD, I could understand this more. Whilst equally disappointing to only see DS for 24hrs in a 28 day holiday, as is parent I would assume they were spending the time with the GF’s / DW’s family. Girls are usually drawn more to their parents and BF’s / DH’s tag along.

Be honest and speak with them .

I understand why you're disappointed.

However, what stands out to me is that you only seem to want to see them at your house and for overnight stays. Given that you live only half an hour away and have cars, why have you not offered to meet them multiple times for coffee/lunch/drinks in the town they're staying? That seems far more sensible than hour long round trips back to yours.

I think if I'd travelled half way round the world, I'd expect people to travel the easy half an hour car journey to see me, rather than expecting me to trek here, there and everywhere, especially if I was trying to squeeze meeting up with lots of people into my visit.

So you travelled half way round the planet, stayed in a hotel during their working week then disappeared? That's hardly any sort of visit at all op?

I would be gutted too though, do you have the sort of relationship where you can have an honest heart to heart?

You don't need to lay a guilt trip, just ask "Hey dd I noticed I didn't see much of you and I was concerned about why, is there any issue?" and then just listen non-defensively to what she says and see how it can be fixed for next visit.