Adult DC visiting from New Zealand - how would you feel about this?

I think she’s been selfish and quite thoughtless, had they have spent a couple of days with you I’m sure them going off for the other 26 days wouldn’t have caused you any issue.

I’m sorry op, I’d be disappointed too.

OP hasn't bothered to take time off work either.

Ridiculous and sexist.

You already feel awful, and I don’t expect you will feel any better after they leave regardless of whether you say anything or not. So tell her how upset you are and give her the opportunity to put it right.

Idk, it sounds right for their age if you ask me. Not nice and not ideal but for two of them living that far away.
I expect between them they have hundreds of people they want to see, obviously family but no doubt their friends are the big draw here and it sounds as though geographically the place they’re staying is closer to their social group?
not excusing it and I can’t imagine how hurtful it must feel, but some people, especially younger, are just thoughtless and much more focused on social life and ‘fun’ stuff as opposed to what might feel more like obligation.

First, I'm sorry that you haven't had more time with your DD. I don't blame you for feeling hurt and disappointed.

I keep coming back to you not feeling like talking to her about how you feel is an option. You seem to conflate that suggestion with "having a go" or causing conflict. Telling someone how you feel isn't the same as having a go and it shouldn't automatically cause conflict, so I'm wondering if this is a consistent pattern in your relationship. You say there haven't been any falling outs or issues but if you're the type of person/family who shove all your hurts and frustrations down and never talk about feelings then it's easy for problems to build and build with one person being oblivious.

I'm going to echo the advice you've received over and over on this thread - tell your DD how much you were looking forward to her visit and that you've been disappointed to see so little of her. You can do this calmly but honestly with a focus on your own feelings; don't attribute any motives to her actions. Tell her that you're confused about why she wasn't willing to set aside time with you and want to understand. Then let her talk. Yes, it will probably be uncomfortable. But talking about uncomfortable things is actually necessary for a healthy relationship.

People can move wherever they want. I agree that OP's daughter has been hurtful, but you don't own your children. You can be as pissed about it as you like, but children actually don't owe parents anything. I can't imagine factoring my parents into my life plan as an adult.

I hate to say it OP, but your daughter sounds very selfish and inconsiderate! Even when you went to NZ and stayed in a hotel, they couldn't even be bothered to take some time off work!? Unbelievable! I'm really sorry. They only consoling factor is that at 29, she may even still can have some growing up to do (I could be a selfish bastard at that age as well 🙂).

Wow that is a surprise.

I live abroad and whenever we are back my parents basically end up seeing too much of us! 😂 They host us for two weeks and I try and make excuses to go out alone at some point

Perhaps she is scared of overstaying her welcome? Though tbh one night isn't exactly an overstay

I feel your pain op, it must be very difficult

None of this thread suggests that OP and her DC are close.

That's my impression too. OP went all the way to NZ, saw her daughter for a few evenings then left and went elsewhere. The DD is now visiting and giving mum the same treatment.

We have a seven hour journey to MiL and next time we go down will not be telling her we are there because her other half is so unbearable and it is just a really awkward time so I assume there is a reason or she is just rude

Actually I admit I did miss this.

None of this thread suggests that OP and her DC are close.

When OP went to see her in NZ, they stayed in a hotel and saw her for 5 days worth of evenings i.e. barely more time than DD has spent with OP on this holiday.

OP's DD didn't take time off work when OP visited. OP has not taken time off when DD has visited.

DD has offered to meet for lunch, but it's not good enough. OP wants her round for a meal and to play board games and chat. Maybe DD isn't keen on doing that?

I can't imagine planning a visit to see a loved one, particularly one that involves such a long journey without there being at least some time taken off work and some actual concrete plans for us to spend time together (not just sitting around the house but actually doing something together).

There seems to be no communication at all between DD and her mum. They give the impression of tiptoeing round each other.

Only read op’s threads, but I’d feel hurt as well.

They are fairly young and sounds like they are prioritising friends who unlike you, may not go out to NZ to visit them. If you spoke to the DH dad he may tell you that although they stayed at his house he hasn’t seen them.

I can understand how upset you must feel - it is so difficult when children move so far away.

Meant to add, could you not have planned to go travelling with your DD in New Zealand if she had a few days' annual leave available?

If you're honest, is there a reason they might find your house less comfortable? Is there a suitable room for them, or younger dc around, a tense atmosphere, maybe you're on a tighter budget?

If they are very focused on seeing friends and socialising, they may just be choosing to stay in the nicest or most convenient family home rather like picking the best hotel and not spending much time with any of you.

It sounds like they see this as a holiday for them to relax and enjoy themselves, rather than seeing it as a chance to connect with family.

@abitgutted , honestly I would tell them how hurt you feel.

Picking up on what some PP have said - could there be some problem unknown to you, with DD and partner staying overnight? I do think you need to ask DD why their time with you has been so limited - on the basis that you would like to make whatever changes are necessary to .ake them more willing to spend more time with you, either at yours or at a neutral venue. Do have this conversation without your DH being around. But also be willing to hear that it might be something about you.
I wish you luck - it's not an easy situation to be in but it won't resolve if you bury it under the carpet.

What was the story with the New Zealand trip and you staying in a hotel? Wasn't their accommodation suitable? Was there a reason they didn't use any annual leave for when you came over?

I do understand they probably won’t to see as many people and do as much as they can in their visit but 24 hours doesn’t seem much at all.

Maybe her DD feels similarly given her mum came all the way to New Zealand, stayed in a hotel nearby for a few nights while she worked then buggered off.

I would be absolutely gutted too and very upset. To be such an afterthought from one of my own kids visiting from the other side of the world would cut very deep.

I would say something but not in a way thst we would fall out. It’s difficult isn’t it because you want her to want to spend time with you voluntarily.

Honestly, I think she gave you her opinion of her relationship with you. You went to her in NZ, stayed in a hotel (fair enough - I don’t know her accommodation situation) but she didn’t give you one day of her time. Not one day.

You can be as excited as you like about her coming to stay but she doesn’t feel the same about you.

Aw OP i am sad for you , i would be gutted too. Hope you are ok 🙂