Adult DC visiting from New Zealand - how would you feel about this?

You can message to say 'we'll come to your area, where can you e meet you' also not all parents are good parents. I wouldn't meet my dad if he was in my front yard.

someone said down the thread ‘loose plans with friends is a complete slap in the face’. Spot on.
There is a problem or the DC selfish - could be both. I really sympathize OP.

Of course you need to say something. Why wouldn't you? I would have said something far earlier than this. It is not like it would have made much of a difference to the amount of time they have spent with you.

The key thing that stood out to me is that the OP turned down the opportunity to go to lunch with her DD as they would have to go back after lunch. Who does that? If you had said, great, let's do lunch, then I think that would have led to a few more coffees and lunches, whilst they were based by two other parents. As it was, the OP turned that down. It does sound like the OP's DD isn't champing at the bit to spend time over at her mum's staying overnight. Only the DD can say why.

I would honestly call her up and say I need to ask- have we done something? are you mad at us? I can’t otherwise understand why you are spending so little time with us on your trip here. All your friends would understand if you said I have those days booked to spend with mum, so it’s your choice here, and I just can’t not ask anymore.

I grew up overseas as did many of my friends- their behaviour is awful. Parents should calmly point out when they are being treated like dirt- don’t protect her feelings over yours when she is being awful to you.

I mean if OP and her spouse weren't invited then it would be pretty rude to just show up to someone's house and demand to take her dd and SIL to lunch.

I meant by invitation!

Op has said I think that they would drive over & collect them & take them back.

Maybe her daughter didn't want to just go to Op's house?

It seems to be that suggestions are made but no alternatives offered when they don't suit.

That is heartbreaking OP. I too would be really upset.

It’s the difficulty in feeling able to raise it with the daughter that resonates. Also the failure to communicate about expectation before the trip.
Eggshells, conflict averse etc could all be the reason.

Spending Boxing Day together when there isn’t much alternative isn’t that generous. Most people are with family on that day. The other days, the not seeking out to be together, for 27 days, is upsetting.

I mean if OP and her spouse weren't invited then it would be pretty rude to just show up to someone's house and demand to take her dd and SIL to lunch. OP was very clear that she and her partner offered to drive over to wherever her dd and dd's husband were staying to see them. But she can't force her presence on her dd or her dd's husband.

This is so awful. I can relate to some of it 💙

In her ex husbands or SIL’s Dads home without an invitation? You can’t just show up and hope for the best. I suppose they could go to the area and message to say they are around and would like to see them if they’re free.

How long have they lived in NZ? Is this their first trip back? Can only assume they have over-committed themselves with friends. Sounds like they haven't get got children yet so it's all about friends.
Extremely hurtful of course, one day she will realise this am sure.

How close are you to your daughter? I know families are all different but in our family we wouldn't travel 12000km to see each other after 14 months apart and stay in a hotel and just visit in the evening. We would stay in each other's house and we would definitely be taking leave from work to spend time with each other. That seems almost as strange to me as your daughter only scheduling limited time on her visit to see you.
You're right she would find time in 28 days to see you more if she wanted to. The question is why she didn't and why you or her didn't want to stay in her house when you travelled around the world to see her.
Doesn't make it less hurtful, but there must be some reason other than just potential thoughtfulness.

It really isn't making a drama to tell her you're disappointed they didn't make an effort to see you and that you can't help wondering what is wrong. They're adults. At 29 they are mature enough.

I live abroad. 12 hours away from the UK. We and everyone we know spend 90% of our time with family when we visit. The only ones that don't, openly say they have terrible relationships with their parents.

It's sounding as if both parties are inflexible.

Could you not have driven over to his dad's & gone out for lunch nearby for example?

How long were in NZ for?

I probably would have wanted to see them again for a day or two at the end of the visit also.

My MIL is in this position with my BIL in Australia and she'd be rightly devastated to only get a day or so - this does not happen as he is not rude or insensitive. I think those saying there must be a reason have a point, as 'we have loose plans with friends' is a complete slap in the face. The OP isn't even being turned down for definite plans?

It would be good to know how and why your NZ visit worked out as it did. I must say that I wouldn't go again on that basis, as it's a long way, gruelling and expensive, to then only get a few evenings with the people you are there to see. It's possible they are taking it for granted that you'll go again fairly soon.

Absolutely gutting, but it could just be that this is who she is, a bit ambivalent about her parents.

Sadly I hear about it more and more as anecdotes
Very focused when it comes to their inheritance though!

It sounds like they have tried to fit to many people into 28 days. The other issue is possibly location. Maybe it would have been better if they had hired a car then they could have come to see you more. As you visit them maybe they have tried to prioritise those that do not. I would communicate to them that you feel you have hardly seen them. Maybe they will be more organised next time.

I live in Germany, nowhere near as far as your DD, and my mum/dad even my aunties would be devastated if I only saw them for one day...

Assuming your relationship is good, this is pretty awful of your DD.

This is heart-breaking OP. I have been the forgotten about relative and it was awful. I was also the only person from Britain who travelled across the world to see them, when they were desperate to show their family and friends the success they had made. When we had the fleeting visit to England, me and my then DP were so excited, cleaned the house from top to bottom etc. etc. All we got was a phone call saying they weren't going to make it to our house after all.

I'm not sure what you should do. Try and be breezy tomorrow? I can't see how you can win by saying anything ever. But it's completely rubbish.

When does she leave, OP? Can you squeeze in some trips where you pop over to see her. Even if just for coffee etc, show willing? And if she says she's busy/has plans with others, express how much you'd like to see her before she goes, as much as possible within reason, explain that you'd really hoped to spend some quality time together. It doesn't have to be loaded with guilt, but still have truth in it.

I get that you have to tread very carefully. And I don't think you should mention your SIL in any conversation. I just think you should talk directly to your DD and say you feel quite sad and would love to spend just an evening with her, for example.

As an adult DD who visits my parents overseas in a similar way this sounds really upsetting. We usually arrive to my DH's parents first they are nearest to the airport and my parents are 2.5 hours away. I know we have to be fair and spend time with both families but as soon as my feet hit home soil I want to be with my parents. Does she not want to just sit in your house and relax and not feel like a visitor? That is what I want, I want to be part of the furniture again once we arrive.

That's not far at all, just go see them, I travel further daily to work

This is so so hurtful 💔

Id have to say something.