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AIBU?

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Original poster

Adult DC visiting from New Zealand - how would you feel about this?

385 replies

abitgutted · 08/01/2026 15:54

My adult DD lives in New Zealand with her DH. They decided to visit for Christmas, which I was so excited about. They came here on Boxing Day for lunch, stayed over and set off fairly early the next morning, for her Dad's house. I was expecting them back at some point, but was told they didn't know their plans yet.

It's now 8th January, and we haven't seen them since. They have split their time between her Dad, her DH's Dad and their friends (the friends all live near her DH dad, so they will have slept there after nights out with friends).

It looks like they will pop in for a coffee tomorrow morning. Can't commit to anything more, like a night out or an evening meal here, where we could have dinner and drinks, because they have other plans.

By the time they go home, they will have spent 28 days here, but we will have only seen them for one night (less than 24 hours in total).

To be honest, I am totally gutted. I was so excited for their visit. I got their room ready, bought in their favourite drinks etc. The pop in tomorrow just feels like crumbs, or like they will only see us if nothing better is on offer. Obviously I haven't said this, and won't!

Would any other Mum's feel so disappointed with this, or AIBU? Honestly feel like I could cry, tbh. Won't see them after this, for at least 2 years.

OP posts:
Letsswitchitup · 08/01/2026 22:26

Stucknstoopit · 08/01/2026 19:05

Ridiculous and sexist.

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Just preparing myself for the future as I assumed the well known phrase

“A daughter is a daughter for life, and a son is a son until he takes a wife”

was based on reality!

BellesAndGraces · 08/01/2026 22:23

abitgutted · 08/01/2026 16:51

Very frightened of making a drama out of it. Then they leave and I would feel awful. I'm trying to be bright and breezy, and not put them under any pressure. Also, I'm acutely aware, that if they had wanted to see us, they would have. It really is that simple. Me having a go at them doesn't change that. It's a hard pill to swallow. I can't understand it either. We are generous, we make great meals, the house is clean, we provide ample food, alcohol and snacks. I'm at a loss.....

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Things like this shouldn’t be left unsaid between family. What’s the point of being a loving family if you’re too scared to be honest with them when they hurt you? That’s how you treat an acquaintance or work colleague, you just suck it up, and it really shouldn’t be like that with a child you indicate you have a good relationship with.

ChaliceinWonderland · 08/01/2026 22:21

She prefers her dad to you. It's a harsh truth to hear. Do you have other children you can concentrate on ?

beAsensible1 · 08/01/2026 22:13

abitgutted · 08/01/2026 16:51

Very frightened of making a drama out of it. Then they leave and I would feel awful. I'm trying to be bright and breezy, and not put them under any pressure. Also, I'm acutely aware, that if they had wanted to see us, they would have. It really is that simple. Me having a go at them doesn't change that. It's a hard pill to swallow. I can't understand it either. We are generous, we make great meals, the house is clean, we provide ample food, alcohol and snacks. I'm at a loss.....

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No point in that, you won’t see them for 2 years anyway. Which is enough time to get over it.

cupfinalchaos · 08/01/2026 22:13

To say id be upset is an understatement, i’d be gutted, i’m so sorry. I would definitely tell her upset you are, not to make her feel bad but just for her to know how much you love and miss her, and that yes, you’re disappointed!

Ohnobackagain · 08/01/2026 22:09

I know you feel you should keep quiet, but I’d have to say something @abitgutted even if just to check whether you inadvertently upset them and to say you’d hoped to see more of them.

fashionqueen0123 · 08/01/2026 22:08

FlyHighLikeABird · 08/01/2026 17:15

Perhaps they can't take time off, the OP had her shift pattern and DD had to fit around that. Seeing someone every night for five nights is quite hard going.

I think the less guilt in family relationships the better- they were busy this time, plan differently next time, don't cut them off!

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They must have had warning they were coming over

Blondeshavemorefun · 08/01/2026 22:02

I think you have to say something

to see you for one day in a month is pretty rubbish and I would be very upset if my dd

Pippa12 · 08/01/2026 21:58

I’d be absolutely gutted OP- YANBU!

My beloved nephew visited recently from overseas and I saw him more than this. Despite being 21 years young, he prioritised his mum and wider family.

Im sure your gutted about this but I understand you not wanting to say anything. It’s awful when they go back, going under a cloud would be unbearable.

Conniebygaslight · 08/01/2026 21:57

So sorry OP, that’s awful for you. Completely understandable to be gutted.

paddyclampster · 08/01/2026 21:56

I wouldn’t be impressed!

echt · 08/01/2026 21:55

Thelittlegreyone · 08/01/2026 21:46

Poor OP can't win. If she stayed in a hotel she's cold and unfeeling and normal, loving parents would stay with their DD. If she stayed at her DD's she's overbearing and lacking boundaries(!).

"Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days" is trotted out regularly on MN threads, as is the recommendation that visitors should check in at a Travelodge. Hmm

redskydelight · 08/01/2026 21:51

Thelittlegreyone · 08/01/2026 21:46

Poor OP can't win. If she stayed in a hotel she's cold and unfeeling and normal, loving parents would stay with their DD. If she stayed at her DD's she's overbearing and lacking boundaries(!).

I don't think it's the staying in a hotel that's the issue as there may well not have been room for them in DD's home. It's the limited time they spent together while they were there.

mullers1977 · 08/01/2026 21:49

beAsensible1 · 08/01/2026 15:57

She is your daughter. Why not give her a call and tell her you’re happy to meet half way or drive over to that side as you’d like to see her a bit more before she leaves.

I can understand why you’re disappointed, but she won’t know unless you tell her.

have you or her dad ever been over to visit?

I think she would know that her Mum would be disappointed with so little visiting time.

How far away are you from DH's friends' areas? Could you stay up near them to see more of them? I lived abroad and know it can be a juggle to see everyone.

redskydelight · 08/01/2026 21:49

Thelittlegreyone · 08/01/2026 21:45

What? Are you reading a different thread?

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Think you might be the one reading a different thread.

OP has posted that her DD suggested coming for lunch, but couldn't stay overnight as she had plans the next day. For some reason OP didn't want to do that.

fouroclockrock · 08/01/2026 21:49

Sounds like exactly the kind of thing my sin would do and not see the issue at all. So frustrating.

Thelittlegreyone · 08/01/2026 21:46

Poor OP can't win. If she stayed in a hotel she's cold and unfeeling and normal, loving parents would stay with their DD. If she stayed at her DD's she's overbearing and lacking boundaries(!).

Thelittlegreyone · 08/01/2026 21:45

FlyHighLikeABird · 08/01/2026 21:09

The key thing that stood out to me is that the OP turned down the opportunity to go to lunch with her DD as they would have to go back after lunch. Who does that? If you had said, great, let's do lunch, then I think that would have led to a few more coffees and lunches, whilst they were based by two other parents. As it was, the OP turned that down. It does sound like the OP's DD isn't champing at the bit to spend time over at her mum's staying overnight. Only the DD can say why.

What? Are you reading a different thread?

fodomoo · 08/01/2026 21:41

Trotula · 08/01/2026 20:04

Can you give a bit more info about your trip to NZ?
How long were you there for? You stayed in a hotel for 5 days and they didn’t take any time off work but you went out for meals. Were they unable to put you up or did you choose to stay in the hotel instead?
Maybe she felt she wasn’t a priority when you visited NZ.
A friend of mine visited her family abroad for a month and her family were really put out that they spent quite a bit of that time travelling around sightseeing. My friend hadnt considered this at all and was actually a bit annoyed too as she wanted to see the country.
Some crossed wires to untangle there!
Or I would agree with other posters that they don’t really get on with your husband.

Yes agree.
I visited my son in Australia but didn’t actually stay at his house. I stayed in an apartment quite close to him . He worked Monday to Thursday,he needs the income.This worked well for both of us. Definitely not an indication that we had any issues. He was always free in the evenings and we had fabulous weekends away exploring together.

redskydelight · 08/01/2026 21:41

Ladybugheart · 08/01/2026 21:19

I can understand why you’re disappointed, but she won’t know unless you tell her.

Anyone with half a brain or an ounce of emotion would think they ought to see their own mother for more than this!

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Never mind "ought" - most people would want to see their own mother for more than that. So why hasn't DD either wanted to see OP, or at least thought she "ought" to prioritise her over casual arrangements with friends?

There's a reason OP is not telling us.

Bloodyscarymary · 08/01/2026 21:40

I have a bad relationship with my mother and my step father is an abusive alcoholic but even I stayed at theirs for 2 nights during a recent visit back to my home town which is a long haul distance away. My guess is that they figure that they’ll see you again in NZ but won’t see any of their UK friends for a while, so they’re cramming everyone else in and his dad’s is the easiest base for that.

Franjipanl8r · 08/01/2026 21:38

Does she even have a relationship with your DH? Or is this something you’re trying to force? Could that be an issue?

Poshsmith · 08/01/2026 21:28

Think you are leaving out some personal stuff, but there is more context here. Your DD did not want to spend time with you, is the relationship cool or is she thoughtless.

HisNotHes · 08/01/2026 21:21

Yanbu, I’d be absolutely gutted. I’d have to say something, in as much of a non-drama way as possible, to let her know how hurtful it is.

Ladybugheart · 08/01/2026 21:19

beAsensible1 · 08/01/2026 15:57

She is your daughter. Why not give her a call and tell her you’re happy to meet half way or drive over to that side as you’d like to see her a bit more before she leaves.

I can understand why you’re disappointed, but she won’t know unless you tell her.

have you or her dad ever been over to visit?

I can understand why you’re disappointed, but she won’t know unless you tell her.

Anyone with half a brain or an ounce of emotion would think they ought to see their own mother for more than this!