Adult DC visiting from New Zealand - how would you feel about this?

That’s rough and very unfair of your daughter. We live in Aus and make sure to split visits back home up fairly and often literally split up and go to different countries to visit our parents and grandparents and friends, it’s the only way to squeeze it all in if you also want an actual holiday (Greece, skiing, etc) while you are in Europe. To just faff around in her partner’s hometown for a month is not only unkind towards you but odd (to me anyway).

im not suggesting this is you OP but I do despair a bit at how little my family parents plan for me coming home to visit. I’m not expecting an itinerary or anything fancy but I don’t expect to be dragged to Asda - could you not have done that before I arrived?! Could we not pop into town to get lunch or go a dog walk on the beach and get a hot chocolate? They’re happy to mooch at home and I hate it and go stir crazy. I never stay for more than 3/4 nights.

definitely speak to her OP. Don’t moan or whine just text and say you’ve been so looking forward to having them and can you lock in some firm time for them to visit again.

It must be challenging managing the logistics of seeing all friends and family in the short window of time they have in the UK. They would have coordinated meeting up with their friends to fit in with the work/family/other commitments of friends. 1 month is not long at all if you need to squeeze in seeing everyone, in particular when you factor in the lack of access to a vehicle. They are also at the age where friends may be starting families of their own, coordinating visits around childcare demands may be challenging.

I disagree with the posters who say that family must always come first in situations like this, it is a nuanced issue and so dependent on the relationship.
They are young adults who haven't seen their core friends for a significant period of time; young adults have a tendency to put friendships and good times at the forefront of their decisions, in particular when they have no childcare responsibilities. I would ask them if they want to go out somewhere "fun", in a convenient location.

OP, I live thousands of miles from my Mum and family and have adult children. If it helps, ime and of my friends, the longer you're away, the pool of friends you catch up with gets smaller and the amount of time you spend with your family gets longer.

That said, talk to her! It doesn't have to be dramatic. Be honest about your feelings so that, next time she is back, you can have better expectations of what time you will be getting with her. Keep it positive and talk about how much you want to spend time with her, that you don't expect the whole trip but you want so see her.

Either.they saw you in NZ and feel they owe the others time, ( although i would have thought they might have warned you if that was the case ) or maybe your DD doesnt like step dad ? Or is there some other reason. Have you had issues in the past ? I think it's very odd..if you honestly cant think of a reason I would let the dust settle then maybe ask DD in a month or so when they are back in NZ. " DD, was there any reason we saw so little of you ? We were really looking forward to your visit and were so disappointed that we only saw you twice. Is something wrong ? " Also, are you sure the relationship between DD and partner is ok. Could it be.that he is the one dictsting how they spend time ?

I would try really hard not to take it personally. Yes, they have been thoughtless. But they’ll be trying really hard to see absolutely everyone they possibly can while they’re here and the dads are probably a far more convenient base for them to do that. If they’ve got 28 days here, they probably want to catch up with more than 28 people, as well as various different friend groups and events, and organising that around everyone’s availability will be like a military operation.

And they’re still at an age where they probably believe that their parents will be around forever, so even if their dads are seeing a bit more of them by virtue of the fact they’re staying with them, I strongly suspect they’re just as far down the list of priorities as you and your DH. Plus that’s such a large chunk of annual leave, they probably want to have a bit of a holiday themselves while they’re here.

It’s not you, it’s them.

I was pretty distant from my family but even I spent at least half my time with my family when I was visiting from overseas. 1 day is brutal unless there's extreme and ongoing family discord.

I'd let her know I was disappointed and not plan to visit her in NZ any more. She just don't care to see you. She didn't spend much time with you when you went there and now 1 day out of 28 here. She's sending you a clear message that you don't matter and I'd let her know how disappointed I was but I'd stay out of their hair from now on. Drop the rope and pull back.

I don't buy that at all. OP is her mother. Unless they have an emotionally distant relationship it seems to be a snub.

That's pretty poor, OP. I'd have to ask her what the reason is for being distant during her trip. It seems odd.

For most people, family take priority. Nothing at all the op has said even hints at some backstory that would make the op that kind of parent. In the many family members and friends I have that have lived overseas (if you do you know lots of people who do) none haven’t prioritised their family. Stop telling the op this is normal, it’s not normal at all unless she’s a completely different person from how she sounds.

I would be absolutely devastated. And there is no way on earth I could hide how upset I was. Nor should you. Your DD needs to process just how astoundingly unkind and selfish she has been towards you. I doubt very much it will permanently rupture your relationship.

A version of this is very common indeed on MN, i.e. if you move overseas, the onus is on you to go back and visit.

They do seem quite selfish/thoughtless and I’d be very hurt if I was you. I thought you were going to say the dads/friends live hours away. The distances you mention are tiny. It’s not a great sign that even after you made the effort to go all the way to NZ your daughter didn’t take any time off work to show you around. Have they been in NZ long? I expect that over time their friends will grow up and have families and move on with their lives and if they travel home with children they’ll be very glad to see more of you.

She probably thinks that you'll go over and visit her again, but she won't see the other people til she comes to UK again.

I think you need her to say that to you. Just tell her that you're upset that she's spent so little time with you and if there's a problem she needs to be open about it.

I am so sorry to hear this it is horrible. My ds and his wife and family also live in New Zealand. I dont have exactly the same problem but I totally understand. When they visit they always stay with her parents and spend most of their time visiting her family and joint friends and I feel I get the crumbs. I have spoken to my son about it and things have improved slightly. My only advice would be to chat with her, try not to get emotional even if it's when they have gone back. I really hope you can get this sorted out.

It's "bad enough" that they made a choice for themselves and moved away?

What an awful response from you.

I would be really sad if either of my DC did this.

But when are the going home? It's only the 8th of January. If they came just before Xmas they are here for a while yet. It's likely they will have more time now most of their friends have gone back to work.

You don't say how much time they have spent with her dad and his dad.
If it's 27 days with them but 1 with you it is bad but you don't say

Also when is the last time she was home? Remember she may not have seen some of these people for years but she has seen you. So I think I'm a buy more sympathetic than some.

You keep saying it really is that simple is they wanted to see you, they would have.

But relationships and communication is rarely that simple.

They might be feeling hurt due to you working and not prioritising their visit. So in that case it's not that they didn't want to see you, they did, but are hurt and upset...so therefore don't want t to see you.

I think you're going to regret NOT saying something and you'll always be left wondering.

If you care about your relationship with your DD you need to make yourself vulnerable and at her mercy and talk to her, not in an accusatory way but ask if you've done anything to give her the impression you don't want to see her.

Reading how you got the room cosy and their favourite food etc made me so sad for you. It's exactly what I do when my dd comes to stay. Your dd is taking you for granted and that's a horrible feeling.

I would probably keep quiet but let her know how much you loved seeing for the one day, and that you will miss her and hopefully will see more of her on the next visit. Then fill your life with other family and friends & stay busy x

Do you think they expected you to take time off work? And so if they were expecting that, you sending your shifts might have felt a bit of a let down for them, like they've come all the way across the world and you can only fit them in here and here?
Because it seems like their language is purposeful, that they have other plans or can't fit you in etc

I'm not saying you should or shouldn't have taken time off, just trying to understand what has gone wrong as there seems to be such a mismatch in expectations.

I know! My mum came to visit me and there were days I could not get work off and I only had a strict 45 minute lunch break. She would sit in a cafe or restaurant near my work, have the food ordered, so I could run in, eat with her and then run back. She'd then settle the bill so it didn't cut into our time together. So she maybe got 35 minutes with me...

(I did see her other times, she was just maximising it).

I am also someone who does the Big Trip Home and fitting everyone in in a fair way is really, really tricky. I would say a lunch slot is a prime slot and be really upset if a parent turned me down and would definitely assume they weren't that fussed.

All our four (divorced) parents always turn up to the airport and always turn up at shared events that we host somewhere neutral like a brothers house or a pub. They make it easy for us to see them and so we do.

You have to say you really wanted to see more of her. Maybe she’s not thinking.

And the common advice even seems to be for parents to just shut up and be happy with the crumbs and not expect anything.

As is always the case on Mumsnet when a parent has the nerve to hope for some time/warmth/presence from their adult offspring.

Good grief, even my late husband's cousin and his wife chose to spend three days staying with me during their three weeks trip from Australia to catch up with family and friends. To give a parent just a day and a half out of 28, and to rebuff OPs invitations and suggestions to meet more, is really shitty.

Yet here are people saying that OP should be grateful for what she got. No, she really doesn't have to be grateful for crumbs.

There is no "should" about it. For many people, friends will always take priority. Friends are really important. Not everyone has a so-called 'perfect family'.

Just say, I was hoping to spend more time with you. Can we plan an outing?
If the response is vague, noncommittal, or an excuse then ask: Is something wrong? It seems you are avoiding me/us this visit.