Adult DC visiting from New Zealand - how would you feel about this?

We do know that the daughter moved to the other side of the world and managed less than 24 hours in her mother's company.

That doesn't suggest a great relationship.

But we've got no idea what their relationship is like. We don't know what the daughter thinks or feels and we've got a small amount of non specific info from the OP about buying drinks and playing games.

I am 100% certain that my mother would tell people we have a good relationship and she has no idea why I don't visit.

They arrived for Boxing Day lunch, not the morning of Boxing Day, and left "fairly early" the next morning.

Not 24 hours.

She has spent an evening with her @ScaredOfFlying. The daughter and her husband arrived on the morning of Boxing Day and stayed overnight leaving the next morning so she has had nearly 24 hours with her mum. This is a second visit. It is less time than I would spend with my parents but they lived together. People are replying as though the Boxing Day visit never happened

The circumstances OP describes (which are from her point of view so likely to be a glossy spin) do not indicate a close amazing relationship either.

She was excited for her daughter's visit so cleaned her room and got in her favourite snacks.
My daughter doesn't live with me either. When she comes to visit, we talk in advance about what she'd like to do with the time, we make fixed plans together, I take time off work, I appreciate that she will want to see other family and friends so am flexible about what our time together involves and when it is. I also clean her room and get in her favourite snacks, but I would consider that hardly worthy of mention.

Likewise when I visit her, I check when is convenient to visit, she reorganises her commitments to make herself free and we plan things to do together. We will talk about this for some time in advance.

If I am worried that our relationship seems "off" I talk to her about it.

In OP's case there seems to have been nothing like this.

The OPs actions are telling her that she only wants to see her daughter at her own house and that she only regards it as valuable time together if they stay over.

If the daughter had rejected her mothers offers to come to where she’s staying to have a day or even half a day just the two of them, then you’d have a point. But the only options for the daughter are to stay over with both her mum and step father, or not to see her at all. Maybe if OP was open to other options and didn’t seem so keen on her husband being there all the time, then her daughter would make more effort.

I find it bizarre that people are just taking what OP says at face value and therefore blaming the daughter. Nobody can ever know what is going on within someone else’s relationship, and OP has only one side.

It seems to me that there’s something going on underneath all of this that isn’t being spoken about. OP is well within her rights to be upset and to want to see her daughter more, and bring this to her for discussion. But is she also willing to potentially hear a truth (from her daughter’s pov) that she may not like, and be willing to work towards a resolution?

My mother projects to the world that we are close. She is completely deluded. I have also tried to have many conversations with her about how I feel and why. Every time she acts like the victim and that I’m a terrible person because my view of her isn’t sunshine and roses. I wanted to improve our relationship. In order to do that she has to be willing to listen, understand, take responsibility for herself, and actively participate in making it better. She hasn’t and she won’t. The result is we are low contact, and conversation is very surface level. There is much she doesn’t know about me. But if you listened to her talking about our relationship you would think we were close.

While I'm not suggesting OP’s situation is my situation, I am saying there are two sides to every story and the numbers aren’t adding up here. I too would like to hear what the daughter has to say.

It’s her Mum not an old school friend! And I say this as someone who had a very arm’s length relationship with my Mum, lived at opposite ends of the country and for a few years in different continents and only spoke on the phone every 2 or 3 weeks. But I would never have come all that way and then not spent even one evening with her.

Absolutely this. And you need to have that conversation face to face, before they leave the UK. Her behaviour is awful and she needs to know you are upset.

Sorry, I think this is terrible parenting advice. We do not raise emotionally mature, considerate adults by sparing them the effects of their own actions.

I reread your OP and realised that your daughter has already had an overnight stay with you on boxing day so this will be her second visit to see you. I do think you are expecting too much. You have already exchanged news and seen each other. It’s understandable that you would like to see more of her but it is also understandable that with 2 lots of separated parents and lots of friends and relatives they have a lot to fit in

Think it’s obvious there is a huge difference between not seeing a parent for 14 months because they’re horrible to you and the circumstances the OP and @Jupiterthecat describe which do not involve a terrible relationship.

@abitgutted I can completely understand why you feel gutted. I would definitely try to pull your daughter aside and ask. It will help you confirm where to put this. If there is a real lack of care or concern on her side then you can adjust accordingly to her energy.

I do think family relationships are very complex though. A friend moved to Oz and from the outside she had an incredibly strong relationship with her Mum but she has some private inner difficulties processing parts of it.

Nothing too bad just challenging but over time she did and things moved forward.

A conversation might help you to contextualise what is going on with your daughter. Even if it is just asking her some questions about why she is choosing to invest her time elsewhere. You have to be careful how you frame the questions not judgement, guilting, criticism or blame but curiosity to see if anything is wrong.

It is hard to say if the behaviour is just selfish which is the easy answer which is why curiosity is best. There could be any amount of self preservation behind it.

I haven't seen my mother in 14 months and she lives in the same country. I don't see her because she's awful to me. It's not hard to understand at all. We've never had a frank conversation about it, although we've tiptoed around the edges of it, and the reason we've never had a frank conversation is because she's awful.

Grown adults are allowed to decide that spending a lot of time with their parents doesn't work for them. They are allowed to have a better relationship with one parent, or an in-law. They do not have to spend their adult life making decisions based on what their mother wants.

Also the weather forecast is grim for most of the UK at the moment. I wouldn’t be keen on lots of travelling. I agree it’s a shame you couldn’t have taken the day off when she suggested lunch

I really feel for you OP. My head says - young people can take parents for granted and this is what your DD has done and as there is no backstory it’s just that she’s been busy with other things and knows you are always there, offering unconditional love and affirmation, so feels free to to do other things. At 29 she will see time as virtually infinite and she has had time with you in NZ. I think you are right to keep it light when they come for coffee, but also to acknowledge that you are sad she’s going back so soon. You don’t want it to blow up into a drama, but I think a gentle hint that you wish you had seen more of her is not amiss. My heart is indignant for you - she’s taking the piss! Less than 24 hours in 28 days with her lovely Mum.

They probably wanted holiday time not a month of visiting relatives. When you live abroad it is easy to end up with no fun holidays just endless visiting people and having the same conversations with different relatives. As her mother I am surprised she isn’t seeing you for longer and wonder if there is a problem with you or your current husband but she maybe isn’t keen on the area. It is her holiday though and you don’t get to decide how she spends it but if the relationship is usually good I can understand your disappointment but you have to let her have the holiday that she wants.

100% this

Nothing I can really add but just had to send you hugs @abitgutted - you sound lovely and as a mum of a toddler this is up there on worst nightmares. Gosh.

I do agree with you being bright and breezy though as nothing can be achieved by saying anything. I would do lots and lots of video calls etc once they are home to try keep up a relationship going forward. But for now, mum hugs. X

I think maybe she’s just taking you for granted, you’re safe old mum who will always be there. Whereas friends are more exciting and also may disappear if she doesn’t make the effort, you won’t disappear and she knows that. It sounds like the dads are more convenient for staying with due to the friend situation and also perhaps more exciting to see the dads because they don’t visit her.
i would let her know, gently and without drama, that you’re disappointed to have had so little time together. And when she next comes home maybe ask her in advance to commit to certain days/activities

As a someone who also lives abroad with DH I think this whole thing is so weird.

You went to NZ for only 5 days and didn't stay with them? Or planned any actual activities?

We just got back from a month holiday over the Christmas period where we stayed with both sides of the family, saw friends and travel around and did our own thing.
It’s hectic trying to fit everyone in but I couldn’t imagine just ignoring one of our family members.

Why did they not arrange for a car for the trip? When you are home for so long you need a damn mode of transport otherwise it makes it even harder to fit everything in.

I don’t think it would be bad thing to gently bring up that you are a bit sad they didn’t spend that much time with you.
But I wouldn’t be doing what people suggest about canceling or confronting her angrily. She’s either really daft, selfish or there is a rift in your relationship and it could make it a lot worse.

I would be very disappointed too. It must be hurtful to be de-prioritized. But assuming she is heading off in the next few days, it's done now, so maybe focus on what can be done to make sure she chooses to spend more time with you next time.

I think you are right to not say anything (I say it as a daughter who lives overseas), I'd expect there is a chance it would make her feel bad and push her further away. Even if she made more time for you next time, I think you'd want it to be choice rather than duty. If anything, when you say goodbye, you could say you're so sorry you didn't get to see more of them. And leave it at that.

What stands out for me is that they didn't host you in NZ or take time off work. I think this would be hurtful too. Are you quite different personalities? Could it be something like you are quite formal and they feel a bit unrelaxed? Personally I love visiting family where I can truly make myself at home, and where it's fun and not stuffy. Have an objective think about what your DD enjoys. Before she visits again, say you're keen to organize something and what would she like to see or do, then book it to lock it in.

How do you communicate between visits, do you facetime regularly?

Did I read something from OP about "playing games"?

Like Monopoly? That's what you do with kids.

I'm sorry OP that she hasn't been to see you barely while over from NZ.

Wonder if her husband is controlling it all...?

My guess would be be that one or both of them doesn’t want to be around your husband, but I might be projecting because that the situation I have with my Mum. She would say we get on ‘fine’ but that doesn’t mean I want to spend extended periods of time around her husband. Your posts are all about ‘we’ and ‘us’ with the assumption that she should want to see both of you.

Have you offered to travel to where she’s staying so you could have lunch the two of you while her partner goes off with his own friends or family? Maybe she’s rather see you without him around.