Adult DC visiting from New Zealand - how would you feel about this?

I’d be gutted but I’d also not passively sit back and let her bugger off for weeks without making firmer plans about seeing me and when and where we’d be catching up and what days they were coming back to stay with me etc.

”A coffee” FFS.

I've got experience of having very close relatives live very far away. Difficult conversations are really hard when you're apart so address with her tomorrow during the coffee. It doesn't have to be angrily confrontational. What you're effectively saying is 'I really love you and I would have liked to spend time with you. Can you help me understand why we didn't spend more time together on this trip so that any future trips will be different?'

I'd feel 100% the same as you and my jaw dropped when you said '30 minutes'; I was imagining 3 hours!

This is quite thoughtless. So sorry, OP! I visited my family in New Zealand for 2 weeks and my acrimoniously divorced parents both met my husband and me at the airport, then we tried to split the time fairly equally while also visiting others and getting out and about. It’s definitely possible to do so

I'd be pretty heartbroken too OP. Very uncaring and a little selfish of them I feel to not spend more time with you. I guess it really depends on your relationship with her though you say no back story. Kind of makes it worse!

Makes me sad. :(

This sounds very hurtful OP, I'm sorry.

Just to give a slightly different perspective, I used to live in Australia and visits to the UK were rather difficult to plan because there were so many people and places we needed to fit in on our rare and expensive visits.

It may be that she is prioritising other people because she's already had the quality time with you in NZ. It's unfair on you, but that may be how she sees it.

In your shoes, I'd probably tell her how sad you are not to see more of her and see what she says.

I think this is very poor behaviour on their part.

It is either thoughtless and self-absorbed, or a deliberate attempt to hurt.

Either way, think about the outcome you want and let that guide your next steps.

They are unlikely to want to visit next time if you make them feel ashamed or guilty, no matter how justified you might be.

I'd be upset too. Can you just video call her and ask if there's anything wrong that means they're only with you for 1 night?

Is it a recent divorce and the dad is on his own or something? If this happened I would assume the dcs is annoyed with me perhaps and would try to chat with them. Also is there any chance you can visit rather than wait 2 years to see them. Must be upsetting.

I would have to tell her how upset I am to have seen so little of her ... why would you not?

so i would tell her. She is your daughter not a complete stranger.
And then match her energy.

Think you'll have to pull up your pants and ask her. Tough though it may be.

It doesn't need to be confrontational.

It maybe she has so many friends all demanding to see her (and his friends as well) she is not prioritising family and just meeting up with whoever is shouting loudest.

Next time (whenever that may be) commit to dates before she travels!

I wonder if she is taking for granted that you visit so she gets to see you then and is using this time to see people who don’t visit her. Regardless, YANBU.

Is there some back story around your DD not getting on with your DH?

I agree that this is very odd. In these circumstances, my mum would have laid it out very clearly and asked what the problem was “You live in NZ, you have been here for 28 days and in that time I have seen you properly for 24 hours. I will not see you again for two years. Your actions are telling me that you don’t want to spend time with me. Why is that?”

It is odd. And therefore I expect there’s a reason. If you don’t know what the reason is, and you aren’t willing to ask, there’s very little anyone on here can tell you.

For example, coming when your DH is not there is interesting. How is their relationship? Is he a good partner? Was he a good stepdad? That’s an obvious place to start.

Maybe if you have already visited and spent some time with them they feel they owe her Dad and his family some time too?

You say the dad lives near their friends which suggests you may not live near the rest of them. How far are you from them and do they have access to a car? I know it was pretty annoying when we travelled over 7000 miles to family and didn't have access to a car when people expected us to travel another 2 hours to see them. Have you offered to go over to near where they are staying to go out for a meal.

I can understand the disappointment but have you tried to make their stay easier or is what you are expecting placing unnecessary stress on them logistically?

Why can't you be honest, she's your daughter?

one coffee in a month plus boxing day is a bit on the strange side, is it worth just being really honest in person and saying I really wanted more of you!

I would invite them round for dinner. If they don’t show up then just leave them to it. Don’t visit again. Don’t get their favourites in again.

I'd be bereft! That's absolutely gutting OP. Heartbreakign you wanted her to have some cosy nights at home.

Not sure what more you can do though - how old is she? Young people can be selfish without at all meaning to be - did they choose the other space because of closeness to friends perhaps?