Adult DC visiting from New Zealand - how would you feel about this?

That is thoughtless and a bit shit . I understand not wanting to bring it to their attention as you don't want reluctant visitors . Shouldn't have to tell your own daughter that you'd like to spend time with them . Younger people can be so self involved and unthinking . Try not to take it personally. I know when I was young and in my twenties I used to just think about going out with my friends drinking despite my mother telling me that aunts, family would like to see me. Feel very ashamed now.

Why should you feel when they’re the ones that treated you like shit?

When was the last time you saw them before this visit?

I find it bizarre that she's come over for a month and will only have seen her mum once for an evening! If you all have a really good relationship then this is very, very odd behaviour...

(edited to add, I'm not saying you're not telling the truth, just that I don't get it!)

Perhaps you do need to grab the crumbs that have been offered - "Lunch sounds great. Stay overnight and we'll take you back in the morning, as early as you want."

Not gonna lie, that's shocking. I hope they read this thread and feel ashamed of themselves.

Wow, I'm really sorry @abitgutted you must be so hurt. 😢

I think you should tell them how you feel too.

It's bad enough that they have left to live on the other side of the planet, and you hardly ever see her as it is... But coming for a month, and seeing you - her mum! - for only one day of that whole month really stinks.

.

She always says "we've got plans on that day" or "I can't commit as I have loose plans with friends" or "we are busy seeing people" or "we could come that day for lunch, but can't stay as we are seeing other people the next day".

So when she said "we could come for lunch" - what did you say? It seems odd that she's offered that as a suggestion but you still haven't seen her.

I grew up being the one doing all the "duty visits" back home as my parents moved overseas before I was born and it was never much of a holiday - lots of travelling, trying to fit everyone in and actually having some time to ourselves - it wasn't easy.

I would be terribly disappointed too. You aren't being unreasonable to feel upset.

Why shouldn’t you tell them how you feel?

I am so sorry to read this. I know it is not the same at all but my 20 and 18 year olds returned from uni in mid December and apart from Xmas day at mine and a day I took them to London, they spent the duration at their dad's / catching up with their mates . One did 4 days work too. Both went back this week.
It hurts - they think nothing of it :(
Yours is a further distance though (mine will be back at Easter)
Hugs x

Wow she's travelled thousands of miles then won't make the 30 minutes your way?
Did you raise her equally with your ex ? Is she trying to show off her success to her df and friends? Did she take you for granted when she was younger?
Could you even admit she was/is a bit of a madam or are you genuinely shocked at her thoughtlessness?

I can only imagine how sad you feel, and hurt to be such low priority. I know you don't want to make drama but it's OK to say how you feel and what you expected.

Am I correct that when you visited NZ you didn't stay with them, they didn't take any time off work to spend time with you and they didn't host any meals at their home? I would have thought you might have arranged to be in DD's area over a weekend/a couple of days when she wasn't working?

I suppose if you have been out to see them and have a good relationship otherwise where you talk regularly, maybe they are working on the logic that they are prioritising other people they dont get to see in person/talk to as much? Could that be it?

Is them coming when your DH at work telling in it's own way, is there anyway she might be uncomfortable around him or just not really like him?

Why can't you meet them close to where they are staying and go to see them?

My friends who now live in Oz always come back every couple of years and her/his parents always throw a big party when they visit and that way they catch up with all the friends in one go. It’s all very organised in advance so everyone knows what they’re doing. You need to be a bit more involved next time rather than “suggesting dates.”

What do you make of her DH? Is he really controlling? Sounds like they've been spending their whole time at his dad's. Even though it sounds like they all live in the same area, how much has your DD's dad actually also seen of them?

My older sister has lived abroad for 25+ years. When she comes to the UK she doesn't plan anything with family at all, it's always a long list of friends she's seeing and places she's going. Yes, it's selfish, but it means that no one in the family have any expectations of her. She came here for 10 days for my dad's funeral. I saw her for 2 hours on the day , rest of the time she was literally whizzing from one end of the country to the other. Perhaps her father and father in law provide cash input because that certainly influences my sister's choices (not paying for meals etc but actual physical cash gift giving)

You say you've sent her shift patterns and told her you'd like to see her: have you actually expressed to her what you've written here? That you got her room ready, got all her favourite food in, were looking forward to having her stay? That you want to see her for more than 24 hours in the 28 days?

I will say, as the DC living thousands of miles from home, that time back home is precious. You lose so many days to jet lag and travel and transport and shopping for stuff and getting from here to there and coordinating who is free when and just needing days off to sleep and recover and do laundry and get yourself fed etc etc. You also need some down time. 28 days feels like two hectic weeks. BUT, you are allowed to feel you should be higher up the list of people they do spend time with.

It's tricky. This may just be a recalibration of your relationship - by 29yo, they're kind of telling you what they think and what their priorities are (although these could change if grandchildren arrive on the scene).

Really selfish and self absorbed of her. I would be upset and angry. I've seen it with a neighbour though. Son and second wife come from Australia with the two kids. Stay a couple of nights over the two weeks. They leave me kids with grandparents while they visit his friends around the UK the other days and nights.

I'd be gutted OP. Such a long way to come and such a short time spent with you. But I doubt (for what its worth) that any other individual or couple saw much more of them. Sounds as if they made a point of seeing all the family and friends they've been missing, which meant everyone just got one meeting, apart from the odd breakfast wherever they were staying before they went out again.