Adult DC visiting from New Zealand - how would you feel about this?

When was the last time she was back? If she’s been away for a long time, she might feel that she has a lot of catching up to do with friends, particularly if you are in more regular contact with her.

I actually really feel for friends if you move away because when they do come back, they’re absolutely pulled from pillar to post trying to see friends and family and fit it all in.

However, I would also in your situation be extremely hurt. When you were making their arrangements for Christmas, did you not question it then that they would only be there for one night.

I would be busy tomorrow and say you’ve had 28 days to meet up but as you didn’t know what you were doing we’ve made other plans.
Does she expect you to be on call for 28 days in case she’s suddenly not busy?
I think she is low contact with you and if my children went low contact, I’d make it no contact.
Nobody deserves pity crumbs.

So did you take them up.on the offer to meet for lunch? If not, I can see why DD hasn't made much effort to see you other than for coffee, tbh.
Next time, I would try to get some firm arrangements in place before they set off.

To be honest, if they wanted to see us, they would have, wouldn't they? It really is that simple. A quick coffee tomorrow morning, does not feel anything like the quality time I had wished for. I would have been happy with just a couple of nights having a nice meal, playing games, chatting etc

It comes down to this really doesn’t it?

Sorry OP, I’d be gutted too and I think she’s really selfish. All I can think is that the other area is more exciting and they know more people there.

But I couldn’t be so inconsiderate to my dm. I think I’d have to ask her - gently - what the reason is bc it’d be eating me up.

New Zealand isn't exactly down the road and if I hadn't seen my parents for 14 months, I'd be making it a priority to see them. I really don't understand people who think this is normal or acceptable behaviour.

I'd be gutted too OP, it's a shame you have to tell your daughter you're upset on order for her to spend precious time with you. She's a grown woman with presumably some intelligence. Unless there's some family rift or traumatic backstory, anyone would know seeing your mum for one night out of 28 when you've travelled halfway round the world isn't on. She shouldn't need this spelt out to her.

If she was happy to come for lunch why not take her up on it?

I think it’s rough she barely saw you but I also don’t understand why she has to stay over if she comes to your place?

Or why not meet them where they are and go out for lunch? If it’s only a 30 minute drive so that seems reasonable.

When she said they couldn’t stay over what did you say?

I would be equally gutted - what a very selfish daughter you have.
I know you don’t want bad feelings but Jeez I would have to let her know how upset I am.
Can you ask her (not her H) to just go out for a coffee with you (ie not your H) and then gently tell her how you feel. See what she says then make any future decisions about your relationship based on this. Good luck - but don’t appease because you don’t want to rock a boat that has probably already sailed.

Much as it’s upsetting for you, I don’t think there’s anything sinister here. I think it’s simply logistics. For them coming back to the UK means lots of people to see. If you lived in the same town as all the other people you’d have seen far more of them.
if the plans with all these friends had been more concrete then I think you’d have also seen a bit more of them.
moving forward, certainly say you’d have loved to see more of them and look to see what can be done differently.
Maybe next time you and DH could have a mini break in the nearby town and therefore meet up more.
maybe firm up the plans- reservations needed for somewhere maybe. Suggest booking annual leave at the same time. Maybe have a weekend away somewhere with
I don’t think anyone is being unreasonable or selfish. I just think time runs away when you have lots of people to see, some are working, locations etc

How sad.

This is why it pisses me off when people leave their parents 100s or 1000s of miles behind - or say they don't include the mum in certain things but do include their partner's mum, and suchlike, and they say their mum is happy with it... NO, she's fucking not. Many of us don't speak up when we're hurt and upset, (and feel rejected) because we don't want our (adult) children to feel bad. (Even though sometimes they bloody well should do!)

Many Gen X mums had mothers who were critical and snitty and salty quite a bit of the time, and made us feel like shit sometimes if we didn't fall in line and do everything the way SHE wanted, and we dont want to do the same to our daughters... (Or sons...)

Adult daughters - (and sons) never EVER assume that your mum is not upset and hurt just because she doesn't complain, and doesn't tell you so... Many of us keep quiet about our hurt.......... 😢

As a pp said, I would be tempted to tell your DC to not bother with these last few crumbs they're throwing you. Tell them you're busy! Then again - it will be cutting off your nose to spite your face!

.

Can you go and visit them there. Or suggest a coffee shop nearby?

The trouble is I can’t help feeling if you say nothing now, it’s going to boil over when you’re apart again which could actually be worse.

I feel for you very much. I have rather made my own bed with ds - I desperately needed him to be independent and able to take care of himself when he was probably too young, and as a result he absolutely is, and we also don’t have as close a relationship as I would like. I can very easily see him doing this. But tbf to him, he would keep me informed and ‘book me in’ beforehand so I would have known the score before he got here.

I think a clear statement that you are really sad to have seen so little of dd is perfectly reasonable.

Oh op this is awful. 28 days and you've seen her once? I'd be gutted and really annoyed too but understand there is no point saying anything as you don't want any bad feeling.

All you can do is when they next visit share your expectations well in advance and say you would like to spend time with her this time .

HNRTFT but for context my son is in Australia and coming home for a few weeks in the summer I would be absolutely gutted when he comes over if we only see him for a couple of days.
I do understand that your daughter has lots of catching up to do with other family and friends but surely she could have found more time to see you! .I really understand how upset you are feeling and that you don’t want to rock the boat before she leaves. 💐

It's obviously very disappointing for you and nothing will change that now given what you want is to spend some quality time with her before she leaves.

If it is of any consolation, I wouldn't actually "read anything into it." This is exactly how I've seen pretty much every young-ish adult who lives abroad (with no kids) behave between 20-40ish - until they have children and realise the benefit & importance of "seeing the grandparents". They almost universally prioritise friends & events with them (weddings, for example) over any family arrangements / milestone birthdays etc. It sounds like spending vastly more time at her fathers aligns with those priorities as it enables them to socialise.

I can't see the harm in gently pointing out you are disappointed you haven't had the opportunity to see them properly. It doesn't need to be a big guilt trip, but I would almost guarantee they haven't thought about it in that way. They might make a bit more effort to fit you in to their schedule next time.

Is there an issue with your husband maybe? I notice you always say we and not I?

You sent both of your shift patterns and she has picked a time that your husband is out.

there has to be a reason for this - she is clearly avoiding you. Why not ring her and ask? But be prepared to hear the answer. It might just be that she doesn’t care for your husband? My aunt remarried a very very irritating man. It has impacted the whole family dynamic, but everyone is polite about it. They just keep visits short. Not at all saying your husband is irritating 😊, but just as an example.

There could be any number of reasons why they didn't spend more time with you, and many on this thread have speculated on them. What I would add, though, is that it doesn't seem healthy for you to cover up your feelings and just act bright and breezy. How is that going to help? You don't have to guilt trip them, you don't have to make them feel awkward. Why can't you just tell them - 'oh shame! We were really hoping to spend a bit more time with you!'

But you wouldn't be 'having a go at her'. You'd be calmly just sharing that you feel sad that you didn't have much time with her this visit. It's ok to tell her how you feel if you do it in an adult to adult way.

That would make me really sad too @abitgutted .
I’m not sure if I would say anything (because I’m a fool).

Okay, so I'm not sure why you didn't invite her anyway? Surely lunch is better than nothing?

In all honesty, I would bring her back and tell her he forgot you had plans so you won’t be able to see her. I couldn’t be arsed with that. I know it’s biting off your nose to spite your face, but I just couldn’t be second-best to my own daughter.
and I’d also tell her how I felt on the same phone call

Why won't you make it clear you want to see her and will fit around her plans and travel to her?

That's what I'm thinking that she doesn't like being around the DH

I would be quietly gutted too. Perhaps she sees you as reliable and more of a constant than her Dad. That you are the one likely to visit her so less need to put the work in - young persons logic I guess. If there hasn't been a fall out and she isn't flighty, have a word with her. Seems slightly unfair and I'm entirely opposed to being duty bound to visit but NZ is a long way away. Good luck

It’s a tricky one. It would be good to let your daughter know you are a bit hurt that you have seen so little of her, but equally you don’t want to spoil your precious time with her complaining. I would be inclined not to bring the subject up myself, but if she makes any comment like “sorry not to see you more” or “sorry to miss dad” I would maybe point out that was her choice not to prioritise seeing you vs seeing others and you were a disappointed in that.
And I certainly wouldn’t be rushing over to NZ in the near future. But then maybe I’m just being a bit petty!😄