Adult DC visiting from New Zealand - how would you feel about this?

im sorry your daughter has not prioritised you OP - I can imagine how you feel.

I wanted to share a bit of my perspective, as myself as well as my siblings have definitely made trips home from the places where we live abroad (albeit not as far as your daughter!) where we treated our home a bit like a hotel and a base from where to see our friends, and there definitely were trips during which I prioritised them over family.i know it’s a different situation here but still I remember the excitement of being able to see my friends, the family was a bit less important. I think it’s just life to a degree, one I had kids I naturally focused more on making sure they can see their grandparents. Your daughter is young and may feel similar. Also, is it possible she’s also working remotely a bit while staying in the UK? I know it may not be a lot of consolation but remember this is also her “holiday” so maybe she’s taking it easy and wants some time between friends that she’s not telling you about. I remember it was extremely stressful to be coming home from far away, managing to visit relatives or friends and some people always wanting more of us while I felt like on a tour, despite really enjoying their company. Def worth taking to her, she may really be in the whirlwind and it just didn’t register as much with her as it did with you.

You said you gave her times of your work shifts , perhaps they think if you are not prepared to take time off it makes it difficult for them to spend time with you ? I can understand you feeling upset though .

But she has said she's available for lunch and OP hasn't bothered to take her up on it.

Do they have to come as a duo? Can’t you see your dd by herself? They are together constantly in NZ presumably, so a bit of separate time with individual friends/relatives would make sense for the odd day or two.

Couples joined at the hip are intensely irritating; I would be sad if I could never see a dc by themselves, and I certainly didn’t have dh glued to my side whenever I saw my parents.

@HollyhockDays

I actually really feel for friends if you move away because when they do come back, they’re absolutely pulled from pillar to post trying to see friends and family and fit it all in.

But this is her mum. Her MUM. Apart from your partner/spouse and child(ren) your mum should be the most important and special person in the world to you.

Not someone who is 15th in line to visit on a one month trip from New Zealand to the UK, and who gets sparse crumbs, and barely 24 hours out of the whole visit.

As you say, if they had wanted to see you they would have found the time. There must be something behind this, even if you don't know what it is. I can understand why you would be hurt, to be 30 minutes away and not see them. I'd suggest just going along with the plans for now but I wouldn't be inclined to travel halfway around the world to see them again. You know where you stand.

I think this is a little harsh. Despite the DD age, she is still the child in this situation and shouldn't have to be fearful that her Mum might cut her off if she doesn't want to spend time with her.

She is being selfish, yes, but it also sounds as though she has been busy catching up with many people so perhaps hasn't had much time to take stock.

OP, just talk to her and tell her how you feel. Don't let her go back without sorting it/seeing her again

Are you big drinkers? It comes across as though you plan to have them for the evening and have a drink? Hence why they can’t stay late as they have plans the next day. I also wonder why they need to leave after lunch because they have plans the next day?

If it's any consolation, I don't think you need to be jealous of how much time they spent at the DH's Dad's house.
I have had DC come for flying-visits (we are still in their childhood home) while they go out to visit old friends e.g. for weddings. It does feel a bit like being used as a free hotel sometimes.
But as a PP said, it's got better now they are parents themselves.

OP hasn't taken time off to see her DD either.

OP I'm honestly gutted for you. I'm an immigrant to the UK and do the trip over to family annually and we stay with them and spend all our time with them including taking everyone away on holiday. Yes it can get a bit like aargh with their quirks but I live so far away that I want to make the most of the time I do get with them.

I would be terribly upset by that too OP. What a shame and very thoughtless.

Despite my ‘gentle’ earlier advice to you OP - knowing my nature I think this is what I’d do in reality!

Perhaps they can't take time off, the OP had her shift pattern and DD had to fit around that. Seeing someone every night for five nights is quite hard going.

I think the less guilt in family relationships the better- they were busy this time, plan differently next time, don't cut them off!

I would do the opposite to this unless you don't want a relationship going forward. These things ebb and flow and are often not personal, but a function of time, easiness, guilt, emotion perhaps towards DH's Dad, and nothing to do with you. Really don't do this.

They didn’t even take any time off?!

Yes sounds awful. I understand why you don't want to make a fuss but if you don't communicate your disappointment I dont think you will know the reasons why ? Sorry OP

I would feel so hurt.

I don't know whether I would say anything, but op you are not BU at all.

I get that you are upset.

One thing that strikes me, though, is that they offered to come over for lunch, and you weren't happy with that as they would have had to leave after lunch. I get that you would have preferred them to stay more nights, but I think if you send a lot of shifts that aren't going to be easy to work around, and then decline a lunch as 'it's not long enough' then you start to seem just slightly tricky.

Combine that with catching up with his Dad, and her Dad, and their friends, and the fact they could base themselves there, I think this isn't consciously leaving you out, it's just you didn't want the popping in or quick coffees that were available.

I get why- it isn't the same as bedding in like a family for the night, and playing games, but that wasn't on offer. I tend to think it's better to take any offer in these situations, and then get the deeper chats and more extended time when you visit NZ and are the only guest.

My children do also come home often and then go straight out with friends, I did the same to my mum, but because she was super-flexible, and said 'have fun!', it made coming back in again for any amount of time very easy, once the schedule eased up.

I'm sorry it worked out this way and I think it's fine to let her know you are disappointed, but in a more 'I'm sad' way than a shaming way, and I also think you do have to consider whether your ideas about nights in and fave foods were realistic on this occasion, perhaps partly but perhaps partly not and there may be things you can do to be more flexible in the future (like go over there, it's 30 min away, for a coffee or lunch!)

The idea of doing 'tit-for-tat' is ridiculous, not going to Australia, and cutting your own daughter off for being a bit inconsiderate and possibly overwhelmed (possibly influenced by her DH as well). Only on mumsnet would this be suggested...

'I would feel so sad OP. But I have vowed never to make my kids feel guilty about not seeing me and I never want to be a ‘Duty’. As you say, if she wanted to visit, she would. I don’t know what the solution is. I would hate my daughter having to visit me out of a sense of obligation.'

Yes we all want our dc to want to see us, it must be heartbreaking to be so taken for granted and made to feel like a distant unimportant relative.

It's horrible, the pair of them sound self absorbed and a bit thick tbh.

I would be gutted too and feel disrespected.

Are you the only ones that regularly visit them?

Are they taking the chance to see people that they see less often?

What happened last time they visited?

We were only an hour away from all parents.

Ils would invite people over to see us when we were at theirs to prolong our time there.

Plus be aghast that we wanted to see friends & not just them!

That said, your daughter does seem to have taken it to extremes!

💐 sorry OP, I'd be gutted

Say that’s fine, come for lunch! Or all afternoon? But if they’re 30 mins away surely they could stay anyway

I would feel so sad OP. But I have vowed never to make my kids feel guilty about not seeing me and I never want to be a ‘Duty’. As you say, if she wanted to visit, she would. I don’t know what the solution is. I would hate my daughter having to visit me out of a sense of obligation.

Who knows what the future holds for us. My kids are 20 and 22 and we are extremely close. I would be shocked if they did this, as we spend so much quality time together, family holidays etc and are in touch regularly on WhatsApp groups. But I know that could change.

How would you describe your relationship before she went to New Zealand? Was there a strong foundation there? Closeness?

Sending hugs to you xx