Adult DC visiting from New Zealand - how would you feel about this?

How about not having a go, no drama, just a loving gentle chat. Your breeziness may be coming across that you aren’t that bothered and for all you know she might be hurt by that. I think there’s room here for an honest conversation. IMO you are well within your right to feel hurt. I think it’s worth’s checking if there’s anything that’s underneath her lack of seeing you both and that you are all ears if there’s anything she wants to share. If not it’s pretty thoughtless behaviour on her part. She’s an adult, there’s no harm in gently enquiring and sharing x

I agree with @HarvestMouseandGoldenCups

@abitgutted : The pop in tomorrow just feels like crumbs, or like they will only see us if nothing better is on offer. Obviously I haven't said this, and won't!

Why obviously? I absolutely would say something. Be honest and say you're her mum and you would like to either have lunch or an evening with her before she goes home, and you're totally flexible when that is. If she says she is busy, just say very clearly that it is important to you. Don't make a fuss or burst into tears or make any ultimatums, but make it absolutely clear that while she may brush this off as unimportant, it is important to her mum. Whatever you do do NOT say "never mind", "it doesn't matter" or "it's not important".

I know she has plans but unless she is über popular I suspect that she is seeing the same friends multiple times, which is fine, but she should spend one lunch or dinner with you. You can't and shouldn't force her, but she needs to totally understand that this is a big deal to you.

But if you don't say it, she won't know.

And say it tonight, because every day her going home gets closer and it will get genuinely harder for her to change plans at short notice.

You need to raise this with her

I could have started this thread. Same thing happened to us over the holiday. It is selfishness - it was made clear to us that Xmas is for them and about them. The ‘children’ are early and late twenties. YANBU to be upset, so were we.

Sounds like she has just overbooked her calendar and needed more than a month to fit it all in

Posted too soon!

But if you say "you did not spend any time with me" its could be taken as having a go...

If you say - "I am so sad I did not get to spend time with you" you are not having a go.

Should be. Maybe.
But not always.

Like I said I’ve seen friends home from abroad trying to fit two years socialising into two weeks. Seeing new babies, meeting new partners. Friends can be a really significant part of people’s lives as well.

One thought - did your DD live more with her dad growing up? Or have you moved area since she left? As if she didn’t primarily live with you, or in the area you’re in now, then she perhaps doesn’t see yours as “home” and is less likely to gravitate there.

I'm inclined to agree with you OP. On this visit, at this time your DD didn't want to see you enough to make more time for you. Why that is, could be anything from taking you for granted because you're 'just mum' to (sorry!) not finding your company as interesting as other people at this time in her life, to feeling pressure from other people and less from you, so going with the easy option.
If it were me, I'd mention I was disappointed, because there's no point pretending to be fine, but I'd not press for visits. Maybe it's my pride, but my stance with everyone, my DC included, is if you don't want to see me off your own bat, I don't want a duty visit where you're chomping at the bit to get away.
If its any comfort, relationships wax and wane, even with those we love most. And a not great connection right now, doesn't mean it will always be the way.

That is absolutely gutting, so hurtful, and there's no WAY I would ever do this to my mother - and she drives me nuts 0-60. That is just plain not on. (For context I'm in the UK and Mum is in NZ).

You sound absolutely lovely. Book mark her behaviour for another time & at the right moment do let her know how appalling her behaviour has been towards you. What a selfish little madam.

My relationship with my mother was poor, but I'm pretty sure she told everyone that we were really close, so I'm wondering if that sort of dynamic is at play here.

I moved to the other side of the world (largely to be far away from my mother), but I'd still dutifully visit every year or 2. I'd always visit her 1st to get that chore out of the way...but even so I never felt I could realistically get away with less than 4 days/3 nights (and I made sure I was in a hotel, not her home). And once we had done the duty, we'd then go on holiday/see friends elsewhere in that country.

I'm assuming your daughter feels similar, but is braver than I ever was in terms of the time she wants to spend with you. Equally, I could be way off the mark and she might just be dreadful at managing her time!

I think the most likely explanation is simply that she takes you for granted.

For many people in their 20s their job and friends are the priority in terms of time spent. Their parents are people who’ve always been there and always will. Much loved, but not front of mind. It’s as they get older that they start empathising with and valuing their parents more.

Before anyone shouts I know not all 20 somethings are like this. But many are.

I think you need to be more direct and say I was expecting to see you for at least 2-3 nights out of 28. I’m sad that hasn’t happened.

They didn't have one lunch, they had Boxing Day all day, offered a lunch, now offering a coffee and the OP could have gone over for shorter times just to catch up given it's 30 min away.

The OP had a fixed idea, DD staying, even though there are three parents (or more) friends, and other family in the situation, and she has a DH to accommodate as well. She didn't want to do a lunch for a couple of hours. Perhaps the DD prefers 2 hours with Mum and then staying elsewhere, who knows? I see one of my relatives like this.

Be annoyed, but don't cut off your DD based on the indignant people on MN.

What is your relationship like with your daughter? It sounds like, if you aren't even able to say to her 'hey, we're not seeing as much of you as we'd hoped to. Is anything up? Are we ok?' then you don't have a very emotionally open relationship?

For context - DH and I lived abroad (about half way to NZ!) for about 7 years. When we came back for visits we'd see his mum once for lunch and that was usually it. But that was because she was a strange and difficult woman who had a very unwelcoming home and piled a ton of emotional guilt on him for moving away. By contrast, we'd see a lot of my mum and her partner, because they were the opposite.

Are you sure there isn't anything going on that would make your daughter less keen to see you? Or, rather, there must be some reason why she isn't keen to see you - but you just aren't aware of it?

I'm sorry to read this, I lived in Australia for two years. When I come home after first year for a two week break I prioritised spending time with family. Of course, it is tricky to fit everyone in that you want to see and it felt like a mad rush at the time, but only having one lunch with your mum isn't considerate of your daughter. It sounds like she's got wrapped up in seeing friends and sadly hasn't considered your feelings. I hope she reflects on this when she leaves and realises this and is different on the next visit. I do think you should say to her that your are disappointed and hope next time can be different.

What's that phrase 'do you want to be right or happy?'

You are definitely in the right. But what would make you happy- tension with your daughter or seeing her for coffee, having a great time, saying I wish I'd seen you more, keeping in good touch and going out again in 18 months time?

Don't blow your entire relationship which is always going to be hard over the distance on this one visit. I wouldn't, anyway.

I'd be upset as well. I would have been sad too if I had gone to NZ to visit them for 5 days and they didn't take any time off and fitted me in in the evening (assuming dates all agreed well in advance). I can' tell if they have completely taken you for granted or just don't care about your feelings. Either way they seem really unkind.

I'd also be gutted... but I think the idea of calling her and offering to meet her half way or even just take her out to lunch or whatever is a great idea.

I'd bite my tongue on the whole gutted thing tho.
You don't have time. And you need to make the most of it while you can.

Also the time to say something was much earlier when she could still do something about it, not just before she leaves when its a done deal and then she feels really guilty.

She has probably had a lot of pressure from people and from her DH's connections.. she may even be annoyed that she's run out of time with you. It feels like a month is a long time at the start of a holiday but the time flies by.

Maybe talk to her about it when she's back home again. And plan to visit her.
Or meet her in a country that's halfway en route?
Maybe set up a regular facetime call to keep up with both your daily lives or schedule a watch along of both your favorite programmes, so that you can chat but also just spending time together in touch without having to force any conversations.

So sorry. It must be really hard x

To echo pp thoughts; how often are you in touch normally? If you keep up to date with each other regularly (even just text or email) perhaps she feels she doesn’t really need to spend long in person? (Compared to other family/friends who are out of touch). Maybe just a coffee/lunch is preferable to a prolonged meal/ afternoon/overnight session?!

Well, I personally don't understand why.

If I was that desperate to see my daughter and she said she could meet me for lunch I would jump at the chance, not turn her down then moan I haven't seen her!

How is your relationship generally? How frequently do you talk or message? Do you consider yourselves "close"?

This reads very much that she just doesn't want to see you - they've made a visit on Boxing Day to show willing and to be able to say that they spent Boxing Day with you. if you normally have a good relationship, then I would worry about her DH being controlling and trying to limit contact between you. Only you know if you would normally get on very well.

Hmmmmm, I wonder why?