Adult DC visiting from New Zealand - how would you feel about this?

Why not propose going to meet your daughter for a meal lunch or dinner whichever suits her - just the two of you and book a restaurant.

But will expressing disappointment bring you closer to your daughter?

Think what you want, not just what is 'fair' or 'justified' and then do the things to accomplish this.

Maybe next time you and DH could have a mini break in the nearby town and therefore meet up more.

The other town is only half an hour away @PopcornKitten ! It's less than my daily commute was, and is no excuse for the DD and son in law not spending more time with them. They could just as easily see their friends from a base at OP's house.

@abitgutted my heart hurts for you. I'd be absolutely devastated.
I agree with you that bringing this up when they're about to leave, would not be good timing. You don't want to part on a negative note, and they're bound to respond defensively.

But next time you're planning to visit them, or they're planning to come again, I think it's perfectly okay to say that you'd like to plan more time with them this visit, as you were sad not to see more of them when they were here. Preferably say that in a phone call rather than messaging though, as it can be tricky to get the tone right in text.

I don’t think you need to make a drama out of it but as a parent and an adult it is ok to express disappointment to your adult child.

do you speak to them frequently (calls/texts/FaceTime etc) when they are away?

you either have to suck it up or have a conversation about it.

Bloody hell, do NOT do this, OP!

l would be devastated and couldn’t keep quiet.
I would be saying something along the lines of ‘You have a lot of plans with a lot of people - when are your plans going to include me?’.
But that’s just me.

You say also, I’m acutely aware that if they wanted to see us, they would have and I think this is the heart of the issue.
There either IS a backstory and you’re completely unaware of whatever it is you did or said or you’re such a safe space that you’re just being taken completely for granted. Perhaps because you visited 14 months ago so they have seen you more recently or perhaps they assume you will go again in another year or so?
Either way I would ask, using the words you said to us here “I’m aware that if you wanted to spend time with us, you would have done, and it is important to me to understand why you chose not to. Is it something we have said, or done?”
It’s not aggressive or unkind. It doesn’t blame. You’re just asking. It is probably best done in person because text has no tone of voice and so can be misinterpreted more easily. It’s completely understandable that you are upset but you can only get peace of mind by asking and it’s more respectful of them as young adults to just raise it than it is to tiptoe around it.

We're an international family and no way in hell would we treat my in laws like this when we visit.

Yes, how you phrase things will be everything, OP.

I think you should just have an honest conversation with her but you'd have to be very very careful not to make it an accusatory "we always come last and we get the crumbs" type of one-sided conversation, which would just alienate them.

What is the ACTUAL issue here? It's that you love her and miss her, and this is what you need to get across. I would tell her that you miss her so much and while you realise they have lots of other pepole to see when they come over you were really looking forward to spending some time together. Maybe have a chat about when the next visit to the uK will be, or when you would be able to visit New Zealand again?

Not saying anything at all and being all bright and breezy about it would be wrong as it would probably give her the impression that you really aren't bothered with the way things have happened this on this visit. It could seem like you don't really care about her that much anyway.

I've lived away from friends and family before for a number of years, albeit only 200 miles away, but it really is a pain. Work is knackering, you really just want some down time to recover or to catch up with domestic stuff in the house and instead you have to try to keep relationships going by travelling backwards and forwards, spending money which you may not have and tiring yourself out trying to please everyone.

I can only imagine how it must be to live the other side of the world. It is more difficult for your DD, too as she hasn't just got one parental household to visit, she's got 2, and her other half's as a third.

I really wouldn’t do this. DH gets it from his Dad. It’s bizarre. His mum is capable of talking. It feels disingenuous. It doesn’t change what he says anyway, he just repeats wherever excuse he was using.

Plus who wants to force someone to spend time with them.

I live in the U.S and when my parents used to visit from England, for a month each time, they'd spend their entire time with us. I'd be flabbergasted if they stayed in a hotel nearby for 5 nights and then went somewhere else in the U.S.
We had so many adventures together with them for that month they were here.

YADNBU. It's so weird. If you really feel you can't ask her why she has barely seen you then it will remain a mystery and possibly happen again.

This is true. Whatever veneer people want to put on it, they’d have seen you if they wanted to.

The way she is with you is remarkably similar to how DH is with his mum, he will organise one thing, and that’s it. If they invite us to other things, he’ll say we can’t commit yet or have other plans. He doesn’t want to hurt her feelings but he also doesn’t enjoy seeing them. There’s a backstory with them, and they live 45 minutes away, so in your case given you’ve said no back story, it’s quite possibly that they’d just rather see more of friends and think you’ll travel to see them again or you communicate enough that you’re already up to speed; but it doesn’t really matter… if they wanted to prioritise seeing you, for anything, they would have done.

Is she semi non contact with you

I think I’d be tempted to get dh to say something, supposedly off his own initiative. Something along the lines of “your mother is really upset. Would it be possible to spend a bit more time with her before you go back” and if the answer is still no, then he could ask a few more probing questions.

I live in a different country to where I'm from though just a short flight away so we do a few short trips a year. The trips are always so stressful with so much money and time spent on transport between people and I always feel pulled in every direction and yhat letting everyone down and pleasing no one. At the same time these trips are in place of regular holidays so I also want some time with just my husband and child.
I do try to see the people that come to see me here as I so appreciate the effort. We usually do a family day at my mums where all my siblings come with their families so we get to see them all as otherwise it would be hard.

I get why you're hurt but if you feel she's a good person I'd come qt it from the view that it's maybe some tough decisions and they may have prioritised those that haven't visited them (not that that's fair but it could be a reason) and I'd ask her

They have seen you more recently than their fathers and friends - is it as simple as that? They're balancing it in their heads?

I would be very disappointed. Unfortunately our children's idea of a visit/holiday are not the same as ours. I think you have to see them tomorrow and tamper your expectations for the next visit. I'm sorry you are sad.

I’m very sorry to hear this and very surprised that your DD would think this is okay.

How was your relationship with DD before she moved to NZ? Was it strained and she’s not forgiven you completely perhaps?

I think that some of these strategies like stating how you feel or expressing 'you should do this, you should do that' work if you are down the road, can have a bit of tension or a row and then get over it next week, but I would be more cautious when you aren't going to see them in person for months or years.

Also, I think once 'shoulds' come in, basically they are appeasing you, not looking forward to seeing you. So, I wouldn't personally say 'should' or 'we expect' or anything like that.

People make choices, theirs have offended you, fine to be offended, don't guilt or shame them unless you want them to avoid you more.

I’d be hugely disappointed that they only spent so little time with me given she was here for a month.

What was it like before they went abroad?
I think most 20 somethings are a bit self absorbed and live busy lives but there's a big variation in how much contact they have with home. Did they visit often before? Spend more than one night at Christmas?

I think this is it. I was certainly like that and feel a bit awful looking back. I love my mum to bits, but I was a bit crap at times.

If it were me, I’d have a conversation with her. Not to make it into a drama but to let her know that you were looking forward to seeing her and that you’re disappointed. I’d tell her that I understand she’s close to friends and it’s exciting coming back and catching up with everyone-but that I’m upset that she has taken me for granted a bit and that I would have loved to spend some proper quality time together-and to have made proper plans like she’s made with everyone else. I’d ask her that next time, could you have some definite plans, not just someone to see if they are at a loose end. I would be very upset if I were you tbh.

My son is married to someone from overseas. When they go back to her-far away-country, they spend a lot of time with her family. Yes, she sees friends and they do things as a couple, but her parents would see it as disrespectful on her annual visit not to have decent involvement. Yes it’s a different culture but whatever the culture, it’s not on to beg for crumbs.