Adult DC visiting from New Zealand - how would you feel about this?

abitgutted · 2026-01-08T15:54:58+00:00

My adult DD lives in New Zealand with her DH. They decided to visit for Christmas, which I was so excited about. They came here on Boxing Day for lunch, stayed over and set off fairly early the next morning, for her Dad's house. I was expecting them back at some point, but was told they didn't know their plans yet. It's now 8th January, and we haven't seen them since. They have split their time between her Dad, her DH's Dad and their friends (the friends all live near her DH dad, so they will have slept there after nights out with friends). It looks like they will pop in for a coffee tomorrow morning. Can't commit to anything more, like a night out or an evening meal here, where we could have dinner and drinks, because they have other plans. By the time they go home, they will have spent 28 days here, but we will have only seen them for one night (less than 24 hours in total). To be honest, I am totally gutted. I was so excited for their visit. I got their room ready, bought in their favourite drinks etc. The pop in tomorrow just feels like crumbs, or like they will only see us if nothing better is on offer. Obviously I haven't said this, and won't! Would any other Mum's feel so disappointed with this, or AIBU? Honestly feel like I could cry, tbh. Won't see them after this, for at least 2 years.

Gossipisgood · 12/01/2026 14:03

When they decided to visit for Christmas & told you dates etc why didn't you suggest going out for a nice meal or doing something with them so you could have something in your dairy & they'd not double book to see others? I understand they're trying to see as many people as possible on their visit but I'd be really upset if it were my DD & I didn't get to spend time with her. When do they go home? Maybe try & squeeze in a bit of time with them before they leave.

MotherPuppr · 09/01/2026 22:38

Very pleased for you OP that you’ll get to see her properly but gently agree your daughter may not appreciate your plans always revolving around your husband’s. (Even if I think most posters are over projecting this and doing the pile on to try and convince you it’s your fault, which it wasn’t, your daughter was being v thoughtless).

my dad never wants to come and see us anymore because he had a neurotic dog now who violently hates other dogs and so can’t be left at a kennel or with any friends who have dogs, which really ties them down. My mum would LOVE to do big road trips in Aus with him like they have done so many times and she gets very sad about it but she just comes on her own now (frequently!)

she is retired and if she’s coming on her own it’s actually not (flights aside) a v expensive trip as she just stays with us for a couple of weeks. She loves it - walks our puppy, takes herself for coffee or Pilates while we work, we eat together, do overnight trips at the weekends.

hopefully your daughter will have a proper apartment or house soon with a spare room. It’s made a huge difference to us - my mum was here in October and back again in march.

Laurmolonlabe · 09/01/2026 18:51

I would mention it- otherwise it will just fester, they probably think they have not been unfair- but you owe it to yourself to let them know you feel it is unfair.

ClareBlue · 09/01/2026 18:22

abitgutted · 09/01/2026 11:10

Sorry, just catching up on the comments!

To clear a few things up....

DH cannot pick and choose his Annual Leave dates. They are allocated and absolutely not flexible, unless you can find another staff member to swap with you, and this would need to be done months in advance.

When we went to NZ, it was either a case of, we come over in October and see you when you're not at work, or we don't come at all. I forgot that 2 of those days were Saturday and Sunday, so we did have days then. They did also manage to get one day off. That in itself was a miracle, as they are both in professions with fixed annual leave.

We couldn't stay with them, as they were in a house share with 6 other people, and our only option would be to sleep on the lounge floor, which would have been hugely disruptive to the other people who lived there, as it would have taken over the living space. So instead we opted to stay in a hotel 10 minutes away.

We found out on 10th Dec that they were coming back. Everything was booked last minute as they found cheap flights. Absolutely NO WAY could DH take any sudden annual leave at such short notice. And no one who had Christmas off would swap with him, as that's like gold dust. Regards myself, I have caring responsibilities for my Mum, which makes leaving the house very difficult - I can manage a few hours at most.

I did say I was disappointed yesterday, in a non confrontational way, and I'm glad to report that we have now managed to arrange a few dates before they go back. I'm super happy with that. I think we will go out for her 30th this year too, if DH can swap his annual leave with someone who has that block.

House very comfy. They have their own room here with all the normal creature comforts, so it defo wasn't that. I think PP are right that the other house is just in the right location for friends.

Good to hear you have a bit more time with your daughter. Time with our children is precious. The furthest ours have lived away is Berlin and a 50 Euro flight so I can't imagine what New Zealand is like for parents. I think i will show all ours the bit about a professional couple into their career living in a 6 person house share. That should put them off😀

Sometimessmiling · 09/01/2026 18:10

abitgutted · 08/01/2026 16:04

I've told her we want to see them. I sent our shift patterns across, so they knew when we were available.

Me and DH have visited them in NZ. The Dad's have not.

O would be gutted. Feels so sad

CurlyhairedAssassin · 09/01/2026 16:54

Yes, I agree, why does everything revolve around someone who isn't her dad in terms of available dates for going to see her in NZ? That would be quite hurtful to her, I think, if it means it never matches up with HER availability? I would be going out there on my own when SHE is available to take some leave and you can book in some proper quality mum/daughter time together. Always having your husband tagging along, who is not her dad, is just not going to be the same for her at all, no matter how nice he is. And, stating the obvious, it will cost double the price, which seems silly.

vanillalattes · 09/01/2026 15:21

abitgutted · 09/01/2026 11:32

Well, I guess I could go to NZ on my own, but I'd rather go as a couple. It would take up our whole travel budget for the year. It cost £10k last time.

Show quote history

But it wouldn’t cost 10k on your own, especially if you flew in economy 🤷‍♀️

Blondeshavemorefun · 09/01/2026 15:00

abitgutted · 09/01/2026 11:10

Sorry, just catching up on the comments!

To clear a few things up....

DH cannot pick and choose his Annual Leave dates. They are allocated and absolutely not flexible, unless you can find another staff member to swap with you, and this would need to be done months in advance.

When we went to NZ, it was either a case of, we come over in October and see you when you're not at work, or we don't come at all. I forgot that 2 of those days were Saturday and Sunday, so we did have days then. They did also manage to get one day off. That in itself was a miracle, as they are both in professions with fixed annual leave.

We couldn't stay with them, as they were in a house share with 6 other people, and our only option would be to sleep on the lounge floor, which would have been hugely disruptive to the other people who lived there, as it would have taken over the living space. So instead we opted to stay in a hotel 10 minutes away.

We found out on 10th Dec that they were coming back. Everything was booked last minute as they found cheap flights. Absolutely NO WAY could DH take any sudden annual leave at such short notice. And no one who had Christmas off would swap with him, as that's like gold dust. Regards myself, I have caring responsibilities for my Mum, which makes leaving the house very difficult - I can manage a few hours at most.

I did say I was disappointed yesterday, in a non confrontational way, and I'm glad to report that we have now managed to arrange a few dates before they go back. I'm super happy with that. I think we will go out for her 30th this year too, if DH can swap his annual leave with someone who has that block.

House very comfy. They have their own room here with all the normal creature comforts, so it defo wasn't that. I think PP are right that the other house is just in the right location for friends.

Glad managed to get a few dates in

MaturingCheeseball · 09/01/2026 14:46

As I previously said, the whole thing sounds too “couple-y” - the dd and OP should see each other without the men tagging along.

Like @Bellyblueboy , my experience of rellies like this is so irritating! Fair enough if one partner is not a driver, but otherwise it makes other people really fed up.

Bellyblueboy · 09/01/2026 14:24

Celestialmoods · 09/01/2026 11:53

That’s fair, I thought you meant ‘go out’ for a meal or something while she’s still here. Sorry.

I stand by my point though, you are making your husband more important than he is in this situation, even if he is a lovely person. He is your choice of companion, not your daughters, and you would probably find that she is willing to spend more time with you if it doesn’t always have to involve staying at your house and include your husband.

Show quote history

I have noticed this with mum as she has aged. Although her partner at least is my father😊.

But she won’t do anything without him - so if my sister and I suggest shopping and a drink my dad tags along. He makes it clear isn’t his thing so the trip is cut short.

It’s annoying so after a while we just stopped arranging it and do things that they can both come along to (we do do separate things with my dad and he never insists my mum has to come🤣).

Bellyblueboy · 09/01/2026 14:21

I agree OP that it is fantastic you spoke to her - but what really jumps out at me is your obsession with your husband and his work patterns and availability. This is your daughter, not his. I agree I would be a bit hurt if my mum was so focused on what best suited her husband.

Could you have become overly focused and reliant on him? You should be able to spend time with your daughter without him. Does he insist that he has to be there, or do you struggle without him?

paddleboardingmum · 09/01/2026 14:08

Glad it worked out OP but also you need to stop revolving everything around your dh where he's not dd's dad. Go and visit her on your own if needs be.

ScribblingPixie · 09/01/2026 13:56

Pleased for you, OP. Well done for approaching it in the right way.

fodomoo · 09/01/2026 12:31

abitgutted · 09/01/2026 11:10

Sorry, just catching up on the comments!

To clear a few things up....

DH cannot pick and choose his Annual Leave dates. They are allocated and absolutely not flexible, unless you can find another staff member to swap with you, and this would need to be done months in advance.

When we went to NZ, it was either a case of, we come over in October and see you when you're not at work, or we don't come at all. I forgot that 2 of those days were Saturday and Sunday, so we did have days then. They did also manage to get one day off. That in itself was a miracle, as they are both in professions with fixed annual leave.

We couldn't stay with them, as they were in a house share with 6 other people, and our only option would be to sleep on the lounge floor, which would have been hugely disruptive to the other people who lived there, as it would have taken over the living space. So instead we opted to stay in a hotel 10 minutes away.

We found out on 10th Dec that they were coming back. Everything was booked last minute as they found cheap flights. Absolutely NO WAY could DH take any sudden annual leave at such short notice. And no one who had Christmas off would swap with him, as that's like gold dust. Regards myself, I have caring responsibilities for my Mum, which makes leaving the house very difficult - I can manage a few hours at most.

I did say I was disappointed yesterday, in a non confrontational way, and I'm glad to report that we have now managed to arrange a few dates before they go back. I'm super happy with that. I think we will go out for her 30th this year too, if DH can swap his annual leave with someone who has that block.

House very comfy. They have their own room here with all the normal creature comforts, so it defo wasn't that. I think PP are right that the other house is just in the right location for friends.

Am glad you have cleared everything up with your daughter and you will get to see her a few more times before she goes back 😊
I absolutely do understand not staying at your daughters place in NZ .
I stayed in an apartment a 20 min tram ride from my son in Melbourne because he house shares and I actually wanted my own space as did my son.
I hope you enjoy spending more time now with your daughter .X

ktopfwcv · 09/01/2026 12:26

Bless you OP. Heartbreaking. 💔❤️

dottiedodah · 09/01/2026 12:23

abitgutted I understand you would prefer DH to come with you.However this is not always possible .My friend DS lives in Australia ,and she has had to visit on one or two occasions by herself .Similar issues DH cant get time off .She usually visits for 3 weeks or so and thats a long chunk of time to have off in one go

Celestialmoods · 09/01/2026 11:53

abitgutted · 09/01/2026 11:32

Well, I guess I could go to NZ on my own, but I'd rather go as a couple. It would take up our whole travel budget for the year. It cost £10k last time.

Show quote history

That’s fair, I thought you meant ‘go out’ for a meal or something while she’s still here. Sorry.

I stand by my point though, you are making your husband more important than he is in this situation, even if he is a lovely person. He is your choice of companion, not your daughters, and you would probably find that she is willing to spend more time with you if it doesn’t always have to involve staying at your house and include your husband.

2Rebecca · 09/01/2026 11:45

Most people who have been married for 17 years would not go on an expensive long holiday without their husband. He isn’t a casual boyfriend. I agree he doesn’t need to be there for daytime chats at home though. I feel quite sorry for this couple who everyone wants a piece of though

saraclara · 09/01/2026 11:32

LemonyCurd · 09/01/2026 11:29

Silence from OP here regarding the relationship speaks volumes IMO. Crisis averted logistically, so all is well in the world.

No it doesn't.

Original poster

abitgutted · 09/01/2026 11:32

Celestialmoods · 09/01/2026 11:24

Again, you’re all about your DH.

Unless your dd and her step father have developed a particularly close relationship, she is unlikely to be interested in his shifts and ability to take annual leave, and may find it quite irritating that you keep pushing that relationship.

Why would you only go out with your own daughter for her 30th if your DH can swop his shifts?

Show quote history

Well, I guess I could go to NZ on my own, but I'd rather go as a couple. It would take up our whole travel budget for the year. It cost £10k last time.

OP posts:

LemonyCurd · 09/01/2026 11:29

Silence from OP here regarding the relationship speaks volumes IMO. Crisis averted logistically, so all is well in the world.

ScaredOfFlying · 09/01/2026 11:24

2Rebecca · 09/01/2026 10:53

She has spent an evening with her @ScaredOfFlying. The daughter and her husband arrived on the morning of Boxing Day and stayed overnight leaving the next morning so she has had nearly 24 hours with her mum. This is a second visit. It is less time than I would spend with my parents but they lived together. People are replying as though the Boxing Day visit never happened

No, the OP said they came for lunch and that they stayed over. The implication was that they spent the evening elsewhere.

In any event glad to read your update OP, but they also sound young and thoughtless and I suspect that she takes you very much for granted. Does she not also want to spend time with her grandmother? Or is it maybe a bit awkward at your place with an elderly person there who needs constant care?

at the risk of sounding clichéd, her attitude to you may well change if they have kids of their own. My husband is significantly closer to his Mum since our son was born. Not because she does practical things- she lives too far away- but because our son gives them more in common and he has a new appreciation of her role in his life as a parent.

Celestialmoods · 09/01/2026 11:24

abitgutted · 09/01/2026 11:10

Sorry, just catching up on the comments!

To clear a few things up....

DH cannot pick and choose his Annual Leave dates. They are allocated and absolutely not flexible, unless you can find another staff member to swap with you, and this would need to be done months in advance.

When we went to NZ, it was either a case of, we come over in October and see you when you're not at work, or we don't come at all. I forgot that 2 of those days were Saturday and Sunday, so we did have days then. They did also manage to get one day off. That in itself was a miracle, as they are both in professions with fixed annual leave.

We couldn't stay with them, as they were in a house share with 6 other people, and our only option would be to sleep on the lounge floor, which would have been hugely disruptive to the other people who lived there, as it would have taken over the living space. So instead we opted to stay in a hotel 10 minutes away.

We found out on 10th Dec that they were coming back. Everything was booked last minute as they found cheap flights. Absolutely NO WAY could DH take any sudden annual leave at such short notice. And no one who had Christmas off would swap with him, as that's like gold dust. Regards myself, I have caring responsibilities for my Mum, which makes leaving the house very difficult - I can manage a few hours at most.

I did say I was disappointed yesterday, in a non confrontational way, and I'm glad to report that we have now managed to arrange a few dates before they go back. I'm super happy with that. I think we will go out for her 30th this year too, if DH can swap his annual leave with someone who has that block.

House very comfy. They have their own room here with all the normal creature comforts, so it defo wasn't that. I think PP are right that the other house is just in the right location for friends.

Again, you’re all about your DH.

Unless your dd and her step father have developed a particularly close relationship, she is unlikely to be interested in his shifts and ability to take annual leave, and may find it quite irritating that you keep pushing that relationship.

Why would you only go out with your own daughter for her 30th if your DH can swop his shifts?

saraclara · 09/01/2026 11:13

I'm really glad that you've been able to arrange some more dates with her, and that the conversation went well.

KateShugakIsALegend · 09/01/2026 11:12

abitgutted · 09/01/2026 11:10

Sorry, just catching up on the comments!

To clear a few things up....

DH cannot pick and choose his Annual Leave dates. They are allocated and absolutely not flexible, unless you can find another staff member to swap with you, and this would need to be done months in advance.

When we went to NZ, it was either a case of, we come over in October and see you when you're not at work, or we don't come at all. I forgot that 2 of those days were Saturday and Sunday, so we did have days then. They did also manage to get one day off. That in itself was a miracle, as they are both in professions with fixed annual leave.

We couldn't stay with them, as they were in a house share with 6 other people, and our only option would be to sleep on the lounge floor, which would have been hugely disruptive to the other people who lived there, as it would have taken over the living space. So instead we opted to stay in a hotel 10 minutes away.

We found out on 10th Dec that they were coming back. Everything was booked last minute as they found cheap flights. Absolutely NO WAY could DH take any sudden annual leave at such short notice. And no one who had Christmas off would swap with him, as that's like gold dust. Regards myself, I have caring responsibilities for my Mum, which makes leaving the house very difficult - I can manage a few hours at most.

I did say I was disappointed yesterday, in a non confrontational way, and I'm glad to report that we have now managed to arrange a few dates before they go back. I'm super happy with that. I think we will go out for her 30th this year too, if DH can swap his annual leave with someone who has that block.

House very comfy. They have their own room here with all the normal creature comforts, so it defo wasn't that. I think PP are right that the other house is just in the right location for friends.

Well done @abitgutted

Sounds like it was just thoughtlessness.