New here.
As the title says, are we being unfair with eldest daughter, hear me out.
Family of 7, 2 adults, 3 children 4-14 and daughter 19 and her long term boyfriend of 5 years.
We moved into a new house mid 2025 as our old house was too small to fit our family in comfortably and we were looking actively anyway and our ideal house came on the market so we went ahead. My eldest daughter was given an upstairs bedroom of her own as each child was, but said she would rather have the downstairs bedroom (was previously a 2nd living room) for whatever reason that me and DH were going to have so all the kids were upstairs but we agreed and all went ahead and all seemed fine as she’s at an age were she could be trusted. That was my 1st mistake I guess, but I’ll come back to that.
My 2nd mistake was allowing her boyfriend to stay over a few nights a week now we had a bigger house and they have been together since they were 14 and in high school together on the agreement that she made sure any mess they made or any washing of his she was to do with her own and they tidy up after themselves.
So back to my first mistake, as I said she has the downstairs bedroom. This room has its own door off the hallway and one of the walls separate the dining room at the back of house. The first few weeks nothing was ever said but the past few weeks she keeps moaning that we are waking her up on a weekend. Now I’d understand if it was really early but she said we never get a lie in past lunch time ( I kid you not ) 🫠 her reasons to this are a list. So she or her boyfriend hears the youngest playing downstairs or singing along to songs that she likes, be that in the living room or dining room when I’m in the kitchen. She hears the noise in the kitchen from cooking/turning on the washer/drier/unloading dishwasher or whatnot. She hears people walking past her room in the hallway, she hears the dog bark etc. Now by no mean are we the quietest family ever but our other children are not elephants that stomp around or are overly loud. Myself and DH have spoken to her about how she can’t expect us all to whisper and tip toe around until gone lunchtime on a weekend especially if we are going out somewhere and getting sorted as we work full time and the dog is a dog and occasionally barks 🤷🏼♀️ we have offered to change rooms so she could be upstairs but she said that would be worse as our teen son likes to watch TV or play on his Xbox in his room occasionally and our other teen daughter is always chatting to her friends if we are having a chilled weekend. We tend to hear them from around 10ish but like I said they are not loud or causing a disturbance.
2nd mistake was allowing the boyfriend to stay over. As I said it was agreed that if they tidy up after themselves and do their own washing and she pays keep then we wouldn’t have an issue. I’d say in the last 5 weeks so before Xmas I have been getting up to dishes being left from them cooking if they didn’t want the same meals as us, wet washing in the machine if she’s used it at night, which I will hang up or pop in the tumble drier so I can do our washing, then she moans that her boyfriend says that he feels weird that me or DH are touching his socks/underwear etc. Bear in mind I have a teen son and a husband whose pants we wash and get out to dry regular. I’ve told her if he feels weird then they either wait for their washing to be done and hang it out or move to the drier once the cycle is done or he bags it up and he can do it on the days he is at his home as it’s not like I stand there looking at his pants and socks and judging them 🙈 I just take them out and pop them in the drier. They are being sloppy and not tidying up in general and I am starting to loose my patience.
We told her in December while it was Xmas not to stress to much about paying keep as we knew she was buying presents etc and going out with friends for meals/drinks so thought we was being nice. She’s now turned around last night and said £30 a week isn’t fair of us to ask from her (she works full time and does overtime occasionally) and we told her that £30 is fair as she’s eating the food we buy, using electricity/gas/broadband/household supplies etc. She’s stormed off into her room last night and said we are unfair and she won’t be paying us £30 anymore she will pay £15.
Just looking for some advice really to see if we are being awful parents setting certain rules and charging her keep? Also how would you tell your child if they don’t pay the £30 then they will have to buy their own food etc. Obviously we can’t stop her using the shower etc but she seems to have become very entitled lately since we moved. I’m seriously considering telling her that her boyfriend is no longer welcome to stay overnight anymore.
Sorry it’s been very long winded but thought it would be best to put the facts down as they are x