Am I and DH being unfair

"... or stay with her boyfriend (who’s parents said if they stayed there they wanted £150 a week from them both even if they split time between both houses or they could rent a room in a shared house)"

Sounds as if DD's boyfriend's parents got a shock when their son stopped spending 5 days/week at yours, and immediately manned the barricades to stop them flipping this around to spend 5 days/week at theirs, and expecting it for free. I wonder if this is behind your daughter realising what a good deal she has by staying at home?

Overall I agree with you, and definitely agree she shouldn't be moaning if you're noisy esp when she has chosen to stay downstairs. I just found it odd to say she had to be up at 10 rather than just saying tough, deal with noise if you choose to sleep downstairs.

I think you have been more than reasonable.
She was extremely disrespectful and as for that boyfriend 🙄.
HIS parents clearly have the measure of them both and weren't going to allow them and their house to be used.

My son was stunned when he moved out at 24 and the penny dropped at how expensive life was and his graduate salary of 40k was competitive in his year.
It is expensive to rent and pay your own bills.

The upside is you are dealing with the real world.
Getting married or moving straight in with someone straight from home is an awful shock if you have been like royalty paying peppercorn rents at home.
My son pays 1,500 a month for a shared apartment including utilities etc.
He loves it, but it is expensive.

If he was living at home I would definitely be taking a fair rent, (would save it quietly as friends do), because the shock of having a large disposable income suddenly taken away from you when you eventually move out, is not doing any young adult a favour.

I know this from friends whose kids were away every other weekend, constant trips, eating out, spending constantly online, whilst paying £50 a week living in an urban setting.

They couldn't believe the reality of living in a shared house at 27/28 and wanted to return home after 6 months.
They all have reasonable salaries.

Its another part of helping them grow up.
I remember eating rice and tinned tomatoes for 🤢 the last 3 days of one month as that was all I had in the cupboard having over spent, age 21.

I learnt the importance of budgeting quickly enough and I made sure I had more food bought for the end of the month next time!

The OP is doing her child a favour by getting real.

With regards to her having to get up at 10am, @MumTeapot5 -the only thing I would suggest is that you tell her that, if she wants to sleep in past 10am, she can’t complain about normal household noise - that seems like a reasonable compromise to me.

I dont think the hoover going on at 10am is an issue, if it wakes her up then tough but forcing her to get up at 10am seems unfair, perhaps a bit spiteful just coz they can 🤷‍♀️

Agree with this 💯
And if she doesn't like the hoover going on at 10am downstairs, she can always move her bedroom, back up, to upstairs! 😉

I also disagree, it’s less than 1/4 of her wages. If anything it’s teaching her a good life lesson. She’s not being left skint. And a flat or even a room in a flat, would cost a lot more.

Well you hold to that concept and I'll hold to mine. It may be a bargain compared to her moving out but at least she won't be forced to get out of bed if she doesn't want to! OP has gone from one extreme to the next, there should be a middle ground where everyone is content with the arrangements.

I disagree. I hold to the concept of dig money being 25% of take-home pay. Daughter brings home £1700, 25% would be £425/month, so £100/week is spot-on. And a complete bargain compared to what she'd pay if she moved out in a strop (she won't).

Yep, you've gone too far with this one. You weren't unreasonable at first but you definitely are now. Jumping from £30 a week to £100 a week is quite harsh and the up by 10am rule is ridiculous. You'll just push her away so hopefully she moves out for her sake

I was gone from home at 18 as well which .might colour my views. I mean to say that the girl has pushed her luck & it's come back to bite her. These restrictions might not have been imposed if she had played her cards better. That is definitely part of the adult world.

How’s it been going @MumTeapot5

I disagree that an enforced get up time on non working days has anything to do with the real adult world. Tell her to quit her whining sure - but forcing her to get up at a certain time no. I'd moved out at 18, fully independent and supporting myself and got up at whatever time suited me when I didn't have a work shift or other commitments. If the OP wants her to move out it's good way to encourage that though!!

The girl has elected to have her bedroom downstairs & then whined that the 'noise' of her family going about their business is preventing her & boyfriend from snoozing in their pit until lunchtime. In short, seriously taken the piss. OP's stance is entirely reasonable in bringing her newly adult daughter into the real, adult world.

OP, you are not wrkng here, she is.
1,300 is amount to have to play with after bills at 19.
Is she blowing all her money?
If so, she is living a completely unrealistic life.
How many adults have that amount to spend on themselves monthly?
Not so many that are running a home and paying all the bills.

I would be upping that amount in 6 months, closer to 200. She needs a dose of reality and moving out may be it.
My graduate engineering son of 25 would love 1300 to blow on himself after his apartment and all his bills are paid.
I cannot think of anyone I know that would tolerate a boyfriend moving in 5 days a weeks.

I’ve told her she will be getting up at 10am latest on the weekend while she is here and if not there will be consequences

What is the reasoning for this restriction?

While I agree with taking a harder stance yours absolutely swinging from one extreme to the other.

Increased rent, restrictions on when BF can stay over, chores etc are all actually pretty fair. Telling her she's got to be up at 10am and Charing her boyfriend £5 to stay the night is weird. It sounds like he was taking the piss a bit before but this is just strange and I can't see the justification for it. Other than to show how incredibly unwelcome he is.

Will you charge your younger kids friends for sleepovers?

YANBU. She is working. You have offered other solutions which she has declined. Regards the washing, if there is wet washing in the machine. Pop it out on the kitchen worktop for her to deal with. She will soon complain if it isn't dry in time.
With the dishes, buy some pots and pans for her to use and lock the rest away. If they aren't washed they then can't cook. Short term pain in the bum for you, long term gain.
With the noise complaints - do nothing. It's your house. I'm in my 50s and when I go to my mums she used to crash around if we didn't get up at the same time as her (0800 on a Saturday and Sunday)v - we are nurses and have lots of VV early starts so on weekends off we don't want to get up early but are usually up by 9. Having said that its her house so I didn't say anything.
£30 is nothing for what she is getting. Even in affodable (such as housing assoc) she couldn't live for £30 a week. You set boundaries which she is now choosing to breach.

Stop the boyfriend staying over. You need to have a chat with her just you and your husband. She is being a a brat and she knows it. Nip that in the bud now

No brat in my home, we take a token amount (£100) off of our eldest and they have saved just under 30k in 2 and a half years , which is a huge deposit where we live. With the aim of moving out once fully qualified later this year,

you can still teach your children life skills while helping them get a foot on the property ladder. Don’t need to teach them much about financing and budgeting as they are 1 exam away from being a chartered accountant.

Well done for being a parent who helps their child learn about responsibilities, finances and self reliance rather than letting her be a kept brat. You don't see that very often these days. So many parents let their kids down by not teaching basic life skills.

Then you could save it if you didn’t need it and hand it back towards a deposit. She still has plenty of money to save, and spend. She will never have it this good.