Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DD disclosed abuse by DS(ASD)

117 replies

Tornbetween2children · 08/01/2026 12:04

Firstly I don’t know where to post this so I’ve put it in AIBU.

Six years ago my DD (who was then 15 and had gone completely off the rails) disclosed that she had been sexually abused by her brother when she was 6 and DS was 18. DS is autistic, and now lives in supported living many miles from our area.

I asked her if she could tell me what had happened and she said that she couldn’t. So I asked her if she’d feel able to talk to a therapist about it, which she agreed to and was in therapy for about a year. I also asked her if she wanted to report it to the police. I made it clear to her that I believe her, I’m on her side and I will support her with whatever she decided. She considered it for some time and decided against reporting it.

At the same time I confronted DS, who claimed to have no memory of it happening (this didn’t surprise me, he has always claimed that he can’t remember things when confronted). I made it clear that supporting his sister was my priority and even though I will always love him, I hate what he’s done. I told him that he couldn’t come to our home again because our home is his sister’s safe space and it can’t be safe for her if he’s around. (He had already moved out by this point, I didn’t kick him out). I also offered to pay for therapy for him too, but he refused.

Six years on DD is doing very well, has settled down and is at university. She has never talked to me about what happened. We never mention DS, I took down all the pictures of him, if other family members bring him up in front of her I quickly change the subject. It’s like he never existed.

I have little physical contact with DS, though we speak on the phone regularly (when DD is out). Sometimes we’ll meet up if I’m up his way. It makes me feel intensely guilty.

I have always tried really hard to bury my feelings for DD’s sake, she is the most important person in all this. But it is killing me. I feel torn down the middle. I don’t even know what happened, how frequent, how bad it was, so I tear myself to pieces imagining the very worst. I even got therapy but my therapist told me they’d have to stop because they couldn’t help me - there is no solution to this.

Members of my exH’s family are bad-mouthing me, calling me a bitch because I never have DS to stay at Christmas etc. I just have to take it on the chin to keep the secret. It’s breaking my heart that I can’t be there for DS as I should be. I love him so much, but I hate him too.

I was a victim of child sex abuse myself, and I was also so overprotective of DD, never let her go on sleepovers etc, and yet it still happened under our own roof. I’ll never forgive myself that I didn’t protect her.

I just feel like giving up. I don’t know what to do. I can’t keep on like this.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tornbetween2children · 08/01/2026 18:30

ConfusedNoMore · 08/01/2026 13:37

Also, sorry I've not read every post so I'm not clear but does your DD know you have contact with your son?

I think you need to be honest about this. If she assumes you do not have contact and it comes out later that you do, she will feel betrayed.

I am sorry to say this and give you any other cause for worry, but I do think you need specialist help to find a way through. So so hard for you.

At the time she said she understands how difficult it would be for me to cut him off completely because he hasn’t got anyone else and has special needs. But she doesn’t want him to come to the house or to be anywhere near him.

I have told her that I don’t speak to him very often and rarely see him, which is true. But I don’t mention it when I do speak to him or see him, if that makes sense.

I did tell her that it wouldn’t be fair for me to cut him off until I know what he did. As a pp said, if he exposed himself once, as disgusting and upsetting that must be for DD it doesn’t warrant losing your entire family. Or maybe it does, I just don’t know.

I think it must have been worse than that because I don’t think she would have been as badly affected if it were just that.

OP posts:
a222 · 08/01/2026 15:35

pandowo · 08/01/2026 14:33

I think some people are just trying to point out that sometimes, occasionally, some women may lie about abuse. Why they do that, who knows? Attention? Revenge? Jealousy? Not getting the same amount of attention her autistic brother did ? It’s not always the right thing to believe the victim 100% and not take the accused story into account. It’s probably 99% true, but are the memories of a 6 year old to be remembered accurately? I know I have flashes of being that age, no more than that. How did you ds react when you questioned him about this ? How was their relationship growing up?

you may only have ‘flashes’ of memory from that age as you haven’t experienced life altering abuse.

i cannot remember anything day to day from when i was a child up to about 7ish, but what i can remember sickeningly vividly is my abuse that i can only imagine began from birth until he died (thank god). my most vivid abuse memories were from when i was only 4. i remember the pictures on the wall in the room and even what he was wearing.

you remember it at 3am, you remember it if you see a child who looks uncomfortable, you remember it randomly while having a good time with family - you remember it when you do not want to.

don’t feking discredit people and thank yourself lucky for a normal childhood.

Original poster
Tornbetween2children · 08/01/2026 15:34

Lamentingalways · 08/01/2026 12:53

Omg OP I’m so sorry! I don’t know what the answer is is here. Only you know the level of comprehension your son has and whether he would have known what he was doing. Poor you and your poor daughter. I actually felt a little sick when I read this as my son is autistic and without knowing what the abuse was, whether it was sustained or whether he hurt her it’s hard to know whether they would know it was wrong, I couldn’t help thinking of my son seeing or hearing some thing somewhere and thinking it’s normal and copying it but I’m guessing at 18 he would have known better? I’m going to get flamed for saying that I think but I hope you understand what I mean. Of course it doesn’t help your daughter even if he didn’t understand, she still shouldn’t have had that happen to her. I just don’t know the answer, would she be willing to tell you what happened? Has she ever spoken to you about how she feels about her brother? Again, only you and she know his level of need and comprehension. You may find she wants to move forward with an apology from him but hasn’t wanted to talk about it for fear of upsetting you. Didn’t the therapist ever disclose what was done? I thought they had a duty of care to report something like this to the police? Was it maybe not as horrific as your mind is thinking if that didn’t happen? Please don’t think I’m trying to say it was okay because if course it wasn’t I’m just kind of hoping for your sake that it was more ‘innocent’ than it sounds and that you don’t have to go through this hell forever. I think at the very least you need to have a conversation with her around you not cutting contact with him, at the very least you shouldn’t have to sneak around and shush people when they talk about him. See how she feels about you being in contact and you might be able to get an idea of just how she views him now even if she doesn’t want to open up.

I’m so sorry.

Thank you so very much for your kind response. It pretty much sums up everything that I think and feel.

I’m sure DS knew that it was wrong, but only in the same way as he knew stealing his brother’s chocolate was wrong, or damaging the furniture. He wouldn’t have understood the complexities or ramifications of his actions.

DD’s therapist has never disclosed what she discussed with him (yes, she chose a male therapist!). I don’t know if that’s because she was 16 by the time she started therapy. My only contact was when he’d email me his invoices though he did email me when she’d finished therapy to say he thought I was a great Mum, which was nice to hear. I might be wrong but I think they only need to raise safeguarding if there’s a danger that it could be ongoing, or a danger to someone else. He doesn’t have contact with anyone apart from his support workers (which is a big part of why I feel so wretched). He’s completely alone.

I was told by my own therapist (who was actually brilliant) not to push DD into telling me exactly what happened because it could retraumatise her. I hoped that once she’d had therapy she would bring it up in her own time, but it’s just never happened.

Thank you again. I have days where I feel like a monster, and a shit mum all round. Your words are very kind, and it means a lot. x

OP posts:
WarmLight · 08/01/2026 14:34

Big hugs. There's no template and you make the best decisions you can.
This is an evolving situation and it might be worth thinking about where you want ideally to end up then what has to.happen to get there. Both children are now adults. It makes a difference.

pandowo · 08/01/2026 14:33

I think some people are just trying to point out that sometimes, occasionally, some women may lie about abuse. Why they do that, who knows? Attention? Revenge? Jealousy? Not getting the same amount of attention her autistic brother did ? It’s not always the right thing to believe the victim 100% and not take the accused story into account. It’s probably 99% true, but are the memories of a 6 year old to be remembered accurately? I know I have flashes of being that age, no more than that. How did you ds react when you questioned him about this ? How was their relationship growing up?

ArabellaSaurus · 08/01/2026 14:27

OP, what a horrific situation for you. So hard. I'm sorry.

Of course you can be helped, even if that therapist wasn't able to. There will be lots of help out there and lots of parents in your situation or similar situations, unfortunately.

Try this: westand.org.uk/parent-worshops

Lamentingalways · 08/01/2026 14:16

pikkumyy77 · 08/01/2026 13:43

Could people STOP implying that the dd lied or was mistaken? Please just stop.

Dear OP: please find a better therapist to accompany you on this difficult journey. Your dd is doing well and knows you support her. Your ds is safe and living in supportive housing which is better for all three of you. You keep these two children who you love apart as you must do to protect both.

If your dd ever has children you must hold the line because she will never feel safe letting him come around. She may/will not feel safe letting him play uncle.

Go back to therapy if you can. Sometimes a therapist will not be a good fit. They don’t have the skill set you need. Its good that they terminated with you because they were not up to the task. Someone else is. Keep looking.

No. Frankly. Not one single person has implied that the daughter is definitely wrong or has lied. Some of us have suggested that a 6 year old may or may not have understood what happened to her, that’s all. That isn’t wrong and we shouldn’t be burnt at the stake for the mere suggestion it needs to be discussed to get a clearer picture. I’m a misandrist, I believe women always but I’m not a fucking moron! Very occasionally people lie about these things or misunderstand what happened to them. It’s a fact, you’re burying your head in the sand if you don’t consider that to be even a tiny possibility. Those of us that made those comments also accompanied them with sympathy and comments that she of course should believe her daughter etc, stop being so black and white and insinuating we’re women hating, victim blaming, pick-me idiots!

MrsBennetsPoorNervesAreBack · 08/01/2026 14:04

Thank you for believing your daughter, OP. I had a friend at uni who had experienced abuse by her brother who had a learning disability. Her parents chose not to believe her, and she developed an eating disorder that sadly killed her in her early twenties.

You have done the right thing in prioritising your dd and her wellbeing. It's understandable that you still love your son. No matter what he has done, he will always be your child. You are doing the right thing to support and protect your dd.

Some counselling for you would probably be helpful.

Driftingawaynow · 08/01/2026 14:01

I want to say that it’s okay to continue to have a relationship with your son, we (should) love our children unconditionally and you are allowed to do this. Having boundaries around contact between your son and daughter makes sense and is good, but you don’t know what he’s done and going no contact is likely to be very damaging to you and him and potentially even your daughter who may feel responsible. And yes, it is possible for somebody to miss report something that happened when they were six, and it should not be taboo to say this. You don’t have the full picture and unless your daughter tells you what happened and your son admits to it, you will never know so you have to be at peace with that. This is something I know about on a personal level and I will say that it is possible to come to terms with not knowing. Your job is to be a mother to your kids, and to address your own childhood trauma.

EmeraldShamrock000 · 08/01/2026 13:58

It’s a real life minute by minute nightmare for you.
You are an excellent mother who is doing the very best in a truly awful situation.
I am really sorry.

ThejoyofNC · 08/01/2026 13:54

You said you feel torn down the middle, but you have basically disowned your son so that doesn't make any sense to me?

LeonMccogh · 08/01/2026 13:51

Do you know for sure that your DS doesn’t have further opportunities to sexually abuse other children?

stripesandspotsanddots · 08/01/2026 13:51

I just wanted to recommend this organisation: https://stopso.org.uk/
They support sexual offenders and their families and have a register of specialist therapists who are trained to deal with the sort of complexity you are dealing with. I agree with pp that a good therapist should be able to help you explore all this.

StopSO UK » Tackling Sexual Abuse

StopSO UK : Specialist Treatment Organisation for the Prevention of Sexual Offending is an organisation that works with those at risk of sexual offending or reoffending, to enable them to stop acting…

https://stopso.org.uk

Wishing14 · 08/01/2026 13:49

You can forgive yourself.

Wishing14 · 08/01/2026 13:48

Btw I can imagine how violently painful the not knowing is, you feel you NEED to be in control because of your past, the not knowing is agonising .. Again something not everyone can understand (I can only imagine). I guess you have to flip that, this is your daughter’s control, to protect herself, your son, you, or all of the above. But knowing will not change anything. Focus on what you can change. Don’t waste your whole life. Find another therapist. Keep being there for your daughter. Tell family there are reasons he is not around and you cannot discuss them. Try to live you life and learn to be happy because that will help your daughter too.

pikkumyy77 · 08/01/2026 13:43

Could people STOP implying that the dd lied or was mistaken? Please just stop.

Dear OP: please find a better therapist to accompany you on this difficult journey. Your dd is doing well and knows you support her. Your ds is safe and living in supportive housing which is better for all three of you. You keep these two children who you love apart as you must do to protect both.

If your dd ever has children you must hold the line because she will never feel safe letting him come around. She may/will not feel safe letting him play uncle.

Go back to therapy if you can. Sometimes a therapist will not be a good fit. They don’t have the skill set you need. Its good that they terminated with you because they were not up to the task. Someone else is. Keep looking.

lucya66 · 08/01/2026 13:41

You did the right thing. I would have done the same.

I hope you can get a different therapist.

ConfusedNoMore · 08/01/2026 13:37

Also, sorry I've not read every post so I'm not clear but does your DD know you have contact with your son?

I think you need to be honest about this. If she assumes you do not have contact and it comes out later that you do, she will feel betrayed.

I am sorry to say this and give you any other cause for worry, but I do think you need specialist help to find a way through. So so hard for you.

Wishing14 · 08/01/2026 13:31

I am so sorry, I don’t have time to comment properly but you sound like a lovely mum who tried to do her best, and is trying to do her best, and it’s so bitterly unfair and awful… you cannot change the past you have to let it go. Sending prayers to you and your lovely daughter. Motherhood is a powerful thing, no one can understand what you feel if they have not lived it, but I just wanted to say I (random person on internet) am sending love from afar. There is no perfect answer, you will have to accept that and do what you believe to be right.

Mildredneetremble · 08/01/2026 13:24

The fact that your daughter is settled and doing well and at university is testomony to you, she may have periods in her life - such as big family events or if she has children herself when the past abuse will rear its ugly head but she will cope with you by her side. Ignore the rest of the family, every family has there issues and I'm sure they've got theirs. Research has shown sexual abuse of children is nearly always committed by family members or family friends - so is that saying all mothers are to blame for this happening, certainly not, family dynamics all complicated at the best of times, your daughter obviously doesn't blame you so why blame yourself.

Lamentingalways · 08/01/2026 13:19

OP I’ve already commented twice so apologies, could you contact your daughter’s original therapist? The more I think about it the more I think it’s strange that she didn’t report sexual abuse of a child (who was still a child) to the police. Your daughter was only 6, is there any way that this has become worse and worse in your mind because you’ve been having to push it to one side all the time and have been trying so hard to be everything to everyone and has your own childhood trauma? I don’t want you to think I don’t believe your daughter, I think you did the right thing by believing her but I really think you need to know what he did. It may help you to realise that he isn’t someone you want to be in contact with or it may help you to see that it was a huge mistake that he didn’t understand the consequences of at the time.

Newyeargymwanker · 08/01/2026 13:18

I have nothing to add except I’m amazed by how well you’ve handled and incredibly difficult and emotional situation.

sausagedog2000 · 08/01/2026 13:08

Nearly brought me to tears. I wish my mother was like you. Wish I knew you so I could give you some flowers and a hug and tell you you’re doing a great job.

Swipe left for the next trending thread