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AIBU?

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Original poster

DD disclosed abuse by DS(ASD)

117 replies

Tornbetween2children · 08/01/2026 12:04

Firstly I don’t know where to post this so I’ve put it in AIBU.

Six years ago my DD (who was then 15 and had gone completely off the rails) disclosed that she had been sexually abused by her brother when she was 6 and DS was 18. DS is autistic, and now lives in supported living many miles from our area.

I asked her if she could tell me what had happened and she said that she couldn’t. So I asked her if she’d feel able to talk to a therapist about it, which she agreed to and was in therapy for about a year. I also asked her if she wanted to report it to the police. I made it clear to her that I believe her, I’m on her side and I will support her with whatever she decided. She considered it for some time and decided against reporting it.

At the same time I confronted DS, who claimed to have no memory of it happening (this didn’t surprise me, he has always claimed that he can’t remember things when confronted). I made it clear that supporting his sister was my priority and even though I will always love him, I hate what he’s done. I told him that he couldn’t come to our home again because our home is his sister’s safe space and it can’t be safe for her if he’s around. (He had already moved out by this point, I didn’t kick him out). I also offered to pay for therapy for him too, but he refused.

Six years on DD is doing very well, has settled down and is at university. She has never talked to me about what happened. We never mention DS, I took down all the pictures of him, if other family members bring him up in front of her I quickly change the subject. It’s like he never existed.

I have little physical contact with DS, though we speak on the phone regularly (when DD is out). Sometimes we’ll meet up if I’m up his way. It makes me feel intensely guilty.

I have always tried really hard to bury my feelings for DD’s sake, she is the most important person in all this. But it is killing me. I feel torn down the middle. I don’t even know what happened, how frequent, how bad it was, so I tear myself to pieces imagining the very worst. I even got therapy but my therapist told me they’d have to stop because they couldn’t help me - there is no solution to this.

Members of my exH’s family are bad-mouthing me, calling me a bitch because I never have DS to stay at Christmas etc. I just have to take it on the chin to keep the secret. It’s breaking my heart that I can’t be there for DS as I should be. I love him so much, but I hate him too.

I was a victim of child sex abuse myself, and I was also so overprotective of DD, never let her go on sleepovers etc, and yet it still happened under our own roof. I’ll never forgive myself that I didn’t protect her.

I just feel like giving up. I don’t know what to do. I can’t keep on like this.

OP posts:
ButterPecanCookie · 08/01/2026 20:32

Tornbetween2children · 08/01/2026 12:04

Firstly I don’t know where to post this so I’ve put it in AIBU.

Six years ago my DD (who was then 15 and had gone completely off the rails) disclosed that she had been sexually abused by her brother when she was 6 and DS was 18. DS is autistic, and now lives in supported living many miles from our area.

I asked her if she could tell me what had happened and she said that she couldn’t. So I asked her if she’d feel able to talk to a therapist about it, which she agreed to and was in therapy for about a year. I also asked her if she wanted to report it to the police. I made it clear to her that I believe her, I’m on her side and I will support her with whatever she decided. She considered it for some time and decided against reporting it.

At the same time I confronted DS, who claimed to have no memory of it happening (this didn’t surprise me, he has always claimed that he can’t remember things when confronted). I made it clear that supporting his sister was my priority and even though I will always love him, I hate what he’s done. I told him that he couldn’t come to our home again because our home is his sister’s safe space and it can’t be safe for her if he’s around. (He had already moved out by this point, I didn’t kick him out). I also offered to pay for therapy for him too, but he refused.

Six years on DD is doing very well, has settled down and is at university. She has never talked to me about what happened. We never mention DS, I took down all the pictures of him, if other family members bring him up in front of her I quickly change the subject. It’s like he never existed.

I have little physical contact with DS, though we speak on the phone regularly (when DD is out). Sometimes we’ll meet up if I’m up his way. It makes me feel intensely guilty.

I have always tried really hard to bury my feelings for DD’s sake, she is the most important person in all this. But it is killing me. I feel torn down the middle. I don’t even know what happened, how frequent, how bad it was, so I tear myself to pieces imagining the very worst. I even got therapy but my therapist told me they’d have to stop because they couldn’t help me - there is no solution to this.

Members of my exH’s family are bad-mouthing me, calling me a bitch because I never have DS to stay at Christmas etc. I just have to take it on the chin to keep the secret. It’s breaking my heart that I can’t be there for DS as I should be. I love him so much, but I hate him too.

I was a victim of child sex abuse myself, and I was also so overprotective of DD, never let her go on sleepovers etc, and yet it still happened under our own roof. I’ll never forgive myself that I didn’t protect her.

I just feel like giving up. I don’t know what to do. I can’t keep on like this.

When you say he usually denies things when confronted, does this mean he has a decent level of understanding? Is he what most people would deem ‘high functioning’?

MrsChristmasHasResigned · 08/01/2026 20:26

Aislyn · 08/01/2026 20:23

My concern with your actions is that you haven't reported it to the police. It is not ok to leave a grown up decision like this to a child: it is too much responsibility.

There may be other victims of your son as well. If you don't report, then the police lack this crucial information, and cannot safeguard present or future victims or potential victims.

I think this is really unfair. Forcing the issue is taking aways the DDs control in the situation - if DS is as limited as OP says, his chance for contact is zero so forcing the issue would be pointless. And for the people saying DD should tell her mother what happened - again, no. This young woman has come through a terrible trauma, and needs to be in charge of what happens and when.

LeonMccogh · 08/01/2026 20:23

Newyearawaits · 08/01/2026 18:55

Prejudiced and judgmental post

Show quote history

It’s an absolutely fair question! If he’s done it once already and it’s never been reported to the police.

Aislyn · 08/01/2026 20:23

My concern with your actions is that you haven't reported it to the police. It is not ok to leave a grown up decision like this to a child: it is too much responsibility.

There may be other victims of your son as well. If you don't report, then the police lack this crucial information, and cannot safeguard present or future victims or potential victims.

MrsChristmasHasResigned · 08/01/2026 20:19

Rather than trying to find a therapist through a counselling directory, I think you should try to connect with one through an organization that works with sex offenders. Lucy Faithfull Foundation, StopSO and Stop It Now all have expertise in this area and I think would be a good place for you to look for help.

I am so sorry, this is such a hard situation.

AlwaysGotAnOpinion · 08/01/2026 19:57

I’ve read all of your posts and the replies OP and while I have nothing of note to add, I just want to say you sound like a wonderful, thoughtful, supportive Mum to both of your children and they are both so lucky to have you ❤️ it sounds like you have done everything to the best of your ability on your parenting journey - single for a fair amount of it? - and I wish I could grant you peace about the outcomes that have happened with each child, because you deserve to feel free from the thoughts your been having. You have been dealt an unfortunate hand and dealt with it considerately and admirably to both children x

Pifflepafflewifflewaffle · 08/01/2026 19:57

Just to say, I was the daughter in this scenario, I was 10 and he was 17, but there was no learning disability or neurodivergence. It took until I had my own children to tell my parents that he had abused me, just once. but I asked them not to do anything.

since then they’ve pretended like I never mentioned it, told me I’m hostile towards him, and basically made me feel like my issues with him are nothing to do with them and they treat us as equals, and ‘he’s not all bad’ 🙄.

it has all damaged my self esteem and self worth profoundly, and to see a mum defend her daughter like you have- well, just thank you, and I’m so so sorry that you’re in this position.

Lamentingalways · 08/01/2026 19:50

Tornbetween2children · 08/01/2026 19:09

I’ve been the child in the judicial process and it was literally as bad as the abuse itself. I never told dd my feelings about it because I wanted her to make her own decision. I would never force dd to go through that unless she felt strong enough to deal with it, and felt it was something she needed to do and then I’d support her all the way. She didn’t at the time, but she knows that she can change her mind on that at any point in the future. But I also know that as my son has the mental age of a 7-8 year old there is zero chance of a prosecution.

Show quote history

Oh OP is his mental age really that low? It really changes things I think if he is so low functioning. My daughter is 8 and doesn’t know what sex is. Oh god I feel so bad for all 3 of you.

Lamentingalways · 08/01/2026 19:36

sunshine244 · 08/01/2026 19:05

A friend of mine who has a teen autistic son had issues with sexual abuse allegations. It was reported to the police and fully investigated. What it basically came down to was two vulnerable people (one due to disability and one due to age) fundamentally seeing the world through totally different lenses. What happened was wrong. But also there no harm intended. In fact the boy didn't even know there was an issue until policd appeared

It's not my story to tell so I won't give details. But an analogy would be one person thinking it's fun to play tickling games and the other finding the touch inappropriate. So it is possible that your daughter was sexually assaulted but also that he doesn't know he did anything wrong.

Ultimately I don't think you'll get any peace until you know what happened. It's also important for safeguarding reasons for your son's carers to know. If he genuinely isn’t seeing anyone except carers ever that implies he has serious issues?

You have worded this better than I could. It’s exactly how I feel.

Endofyear · 08/01/2026 19:13

I'm so sorry, you sound like a very loving and caring mother who has done the best you can in impossibly difficult circumstances. For what it's worth, I think you have done everything right and don't see what else you could have done in your position. I'm so glad your DD is doing well - that is a testament to your love and support. I hope you can get some specialist support from one of the sources recommended by other posters. I think you need to find away to rid yourself of the guilt you feel about your son - you are still supporting him as best you can and you are not responsible for the fact that he doesn't have the life you hoped. Remember that nothing is set in stone and his life can change but that is for him and his support workers to work towards. So try and let go of the guilt. You're doing all you can. Be kind to yourself 💐

Original poster
Tornbetween2children · 08/01/2026 19:09

Stompythedinosaur · 08/01/2026 19:00

Op, for starters, get a better therapist. The purpose of therapy isn't to fix a situation, it's to process your experience.

I really think you need to speak to someone, as the situation you've described doesn't sound healthy at all. While keeping your dd safe and comfortable is obviously important, you cannot pretend to yourself that you do not have another dc. You do, he exists, and whether or not you want to maintain contact is a complex issue.

I think it's difficult that you didn't report this to the police, if I'm being honestly I really think you should have and the weight of that decision shouldn't have been left for a child to make. There needs to be a record of the allegation (even if it isn't prosecuted) because of the risks involved.

I’ve been the child in the judicial process and it was literally as bad as the abuse itself. I never told dd my feelings about it because I wanted her to make her own decision. I would never force dd to go through that unless she felt strong enough to deal with it, and felt it was something she needed to do and then I’d support her all the way. She didn’t at the time, but she knows that she can change her mind on that at any point in the future. But I also know that as my son has the mental age of a 7-8 year old there is zero chance of a prosecution.

OP posts:
Baital · 08/01/2026 19:07

OP, I have PMd you with the details of an online support group.

sunshine244 · 08/01/2026 19:05

A friend of mine who has a teen autistic son had issues with sexual abuse allegations. It was reported to the police and fully investigated. What it basically came down to was two vulnerable people (one due to disability and one due to age) fundamentally seeing the world through totally different lenses. What happened was wrong. But also there no harm intended. In fact the boy didn't even know there was an issue until policd appeared

It's not my story to tell so I won't give details. But an analogy would be one person thinking it's fun to play tickling games and the other finding the touch inappropriate. So it is possible that your daughter was sexually assaulted but also that he doesn't know he did anything wrong.

Ultimately I don't think you'll get any peace until you know what happened. It's also important for safeguarding reasons for your son's carers to know. If he genuinely isn’t seeing anyone except carers ever that implies he has serious issues?

MrsKateColumbo · 08/01/2026 19:05

Flowers this is an impossible situation, I think you sound like a lovely mum xx

Original poster
Tornbetween2children · 08/01/2026 19:02

Newyearawaits · 08/01/2026 18:50

But there are no certainties.
I am not disbelieving anyone but there are no actual facts.
OP's son's photos have all been taken down and his name is never mentioned.
Seems prematurely harsh

Show quote history

That was at my daughter’s request. And yes, it was very harsh but getting her on an even keel when she was running away and self-harming was our priority then.

OP posts:
Stompythedinosaur · 08/01/2026 19:00

Op, for starters, get a better therapist. The purpose of therapy isn't to fix a situation, it's to process your experience.

I really think you need to speak to someone, as the situation you've described doesn't sound healthy at all. While keeping your dd safe and comfortable is obviously important, you cannot pretend to yourself that you do not have another dc. You do, he exists, and whether or not you want to maintain contact is a complex issue.

I think it's difficult that you didn't report this to the police, if I'm being honestly I really think you should have and the weight of that decision shouldn't have been left for a child to make. There needs to be a record of the allegation (even if it isn't prosecuted) because of the risks involved.

Original poster
Tornbetween2children · 08/01/2026 18:59

RedToothBrush · 08/01/2026 18:47

Why do you still feel obligated to see him? It's causing you pain and not helping you. You are allowed to put yourself first.

This doesn't mean you stop loving him. You just remove your obligation to him. You should not feel guilt. He doesn't feel any compassion or guilt about what he's done because he doesn't even have the decency to admit it and take responsibility for his actions.

Who cares about your ex's family. They are irrelevant.

If he were neurotypical it would probably be as cut and dried as that. But his condition means that he can’t take responsibility. He has learning difficulties, he needs care, he’ll never have a job or a partner. It’s not as simple as that.

You’re right about my ex and his family, I know. But from their side, what kind of heartless monster turns her back on her disabled son? The irony is that my ex hasn’t been in his life since he was 10 years old, and he doesn’t have an excuse.

OP posts:
Newyearawaits · 08/01/2026 18:55

LeonMccogh · 08/01/2026 13:51

Do you know for sure that your DS doesn’t have further opportunities to sexually abuse other children?

Prejudiced and judgmental post

Original poster
Tornbetween2children · 08/01/2026 18:53

Thank you to everyone for your responses. You really don’t understand how much it means to me. Even to be told there’s not much else I can do other than what we’re doing is incredibly validating. Thank you again.

Just on the subject of my therapist, she was actually fantastic. I was with her for three years and her help was invaluable. But by the end we were just going round and round and over the same stuff, and i couldn’t find a resolution. I think she just felt that she’d taken me as far as she could and I was just wasting my time and money. And I got that completely and respect it.

OP posts:
Newyearawaits · 08/01/2026 18:50

ChikinLikin · 08/01/2026 12:17

Just to give another perspective. Do you really want a relationship with your DS? I would not. He was 18 and autism is not an excuse. Not trying to influence you, just saying that I would not blame you if you dropped all contact with your DS.

But there are no certainties.
I am not disbelieving anyone but there are no actual facts.
OP's son's photos have all been taken down and his name is never mentioned.
Seems prematurely harsh

RedToothBrush · 08/01/2026 18:47

Why do you still feel obligated to see him? It's causing you pain and not helping you. You are allowed to put yourself first.

This doesn't mean you stop loving him. You just remove your obligation to him. You should not feel guilt. He doesn't feel any compassion or guilt about what he's done because he doesn't even have the decency to admit it and take responsibility for his actions.

Who cares about your ex's family. They are irrelevant.

Newyearawaits · 08/01/2026 18:41

Terribly difficult situation but there is no definitive information re what actually happened.
Your daughter has not given any details to anyone and alot of assumptions being made.

Original poster
Tornbetween2children · 08/01/2026 18:41

ArabellaSaurus · 08/01/2026 14:27

OP, what a horrific situation for you. So hard. I'm sorry.

Of course you can be helped, even if that therapist wasn't able to. There will be lots of help out there and lots of parents in your situation or similar situations, unfortunately.

Try this: westand.org.uk/parent-worshops

Thank you. I’ve been on We Stand’s waiting list for about two and a half years now. I will get back in touch and see how far along I am.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tornbetween2children · 08/01/2026 18:38

ThejoyofNC · 08/01/2026 13:54

You said you feel torn down the middle, but you have basically disowned your son so that doesn't make any sense to me?

I haven’t disowned my son, I am limiting contact and it kills me. I’m torn between feeling like I’m betraying my daughter by having any contact with him at all, while letting him down by not being there for him and knowing he lives a miserable existence totally alone and unsupported. I’m also trying to live with the guilt, and the shame I feel which is made worse by having to lie and make excuses to the wider family (none of who know).

OP posts:
Original poster
Tornbetween2children · 08/01/2026 18:33

LeonMccogh · 08/01/2026 13:51

Do you know for sure that your DS doesn’t have further opportunities to sexually abuse other children?

Yes. He’s basically a hermit and has no contact with anyone other than his carers. He only leaves his flat, accompanied for medical appointments.

OP posts:
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