DD disclosed abuse by DS(ASD)

I've been watching your post all day OP, and have been reluctant to comment because I don't know what I can say that will actually help.

A lot of mumsnet won't understand the complexities of autism or learning disabilities or how lacking capacity isn't black and white as in he either has complete capacity or he has no capacity which is not true. He can have capacity in some areas but not others and this capacity can fluctuate, and so I was expecting a lot of posts that were very polarising which doesn't seem to have happened as extremely as I expected.

A lot of mumsnet will also have experienced sexual trauma, as it's a site made up of mostly women, and it's a very emotional topic to engage with.

I think it isn't necessary to your daughter to explain what he did because the traumatic outcome is still the same. Her trauma is very real, and her boundaries have been asserted and respected which you should be so proud of yourself for.

It does matter to you though, and you're allowed your own boundaries too. You understand his capacity better than your daughter, and you're allowed to decide for yourself what level of engagement you want to have with your son. You're not a monster or an apologist if you want to be in his life more, and still respect your daughters boundaries of not having him in the house.

It sounds like back then he was not very well supported and the risks were unknown whereas now he is in the social care system with safeguards in place, and is living an isolated life.

Whilst what has happened can't be undone, it's a completely different situation to the one he was in at the time of the abuse.

You didn't have to make the call but he is already living a very imprisoned life. It's the best place in terms of keeping him and others safe but it's not a life filled with freedom.

You are allowed to make choices here that are right and the best for you. It doesn't have to be all or nothing or less or more. Just whatever you feel is best for you.

@Tornbetween2children
I was sexually abused by my older brother for years as a child, I only told my DF after my DM died, by which time I was 52. I wrote to my brother telling him never to contact me again, and told my DF I was never having any contact with my brother again. I didn't expect my DF to cut off all contact with my brother because he's still his son, and I believe that is too much to ask of a parent, just that I didn't want to see, or hear about my brother again. My brother has no special needs, he's just selfish, arrogant and entitled.
I think if this was Uncle Bob who used to babysit then by all means cut him off. But this is your DS and it sounds like you are all he has. From what you say he doesn't have the capacity to understand the harm he has done to your DD, and possibly doesn't even remember it. In the circumstances it does seem very harsh to me that you see so little of him, but the way I read it is that you feel you would be betraying your DD by seeing more of your DS. But it's eating you up that you're aren't there more for your DS.
I think maybe discuss with your DD the possibility of you visiting your DS more often, with the promise that he will never ever come to the house while she lives there ie she will never have to worry about seeing him.
This is such an unfair situation but it's unfair on you and both your children, and I feel for all 3 of you. I hope you manage to find some peace.

I am so sorry you are going through this. I honestly think you are doing the best thing. Your son and daughter have no contact with each other and that's the important thing. I don't think you'd be wrong to cut off your son, but there's also nothing wrong with maintaining some contact. I hope all three of you can have peaceful and fulfilling lives in unique and individually appropriate ways.

And this is why it should be reported, regardless of who it is and what their problems are. Look at this string of events, heartbreaking. So sorry you went through this. 😔

OP, I hold your hand 🩷
I too was SA as a child by my dads mums next door neighbour who’d we’d spend time with when staying at hers (I can’t call her my nan because she made me swear I wouldn’t tell anybody when I told her what happened and haven’t spoken to her for years). One of my biggest fears is any degree of this happening to my children so from that perspective, my gosh I feel for you. Absolutely horrific. And even worse being your son, I just do not know how you’re holding everything together. Please, please find alternative help. There will be somebody who can handle your situation. I’m absolutely lost for words, I’m so sorry you are dealing with this, especially alone. 😟

I think your done a great job. You believed and supported your daughter, you gave her the freedom to make her own decision about how to move forward, you got her appropriate support and therapy. You didn't take away her autonomy.

I understand why your conflicted about your son. You love him and you have a responsibility to him because of his disability. It sounds like he wouldn't be able to be help criminally responsible if they did an assesment for fitness to stand trial. I think things will become easier when DD moves out of your home and lives independently. You won't have to have hushed conversations or be worried about her noticing you're out of the house and realising you have gone to see DS. You can love him and be disgusted by his behaviour at the same time. Both things can be true.i think keeping them separate and your relationships separate really is your only way forward.

I'm a victim of CSA and I was made to have contact with my abuser. I was never left alone with him again, but I still had to see him. My parents told the family members with children but didn't do anything legally... you know family shame and don't won't to ruin the family name. He went on to rape and SA several of my cousins. No one has reported it to the police even now. I've always felt let down and like I was unsafe and my safety wasn't prioritised. Also that my cousins weren't safeguarded. I have a positive relationship with my parents but thus comes up regularly for me. I didn't address it with them. Thet were really young at the time and I don't think they knew how to navigate the situation.

We also have to remember unreported sexual assaults outnumber false allegations by huge amounts !
we have to believe girls and women in sexual assault cases as overwhelmingly the odds are they are telling the truth.

Echoing others that you've handled this all remarkably well and I take my hat off to you. A member of my family disclosed childhood sex abuse from her stepfather and her mother chose to side with him, losing her daughter and grandchildren and living with a child rapist.

I'm really sorry that some posters are determined to make you feel even worse than you are. Don't feel you have to defend yourself - you've done a better job than they clearly ever would.

No one except the daughter (who was 6) knows what he did and she won’t tell anyone. What exactly would you be reporting?

What a horrible situation. I do think that it does need to be reported; you mention that your son’s carers are predominantly male so that means that on occasion they are female. They deserve to be kept safe. There should be a risk assessment included in your son’s care plan. It would be hideous if he did it again.

This is so sad. I'm very sorry you are in this situation and I think you have done the very best that you could. I think I would probably go and visit him, I think you say you do see him sometimes? And just keep it at that. As for extended family, take no notice. I take it they don't visit him, but they could if they wanted to.

You are an excellent mother. I take my hat off to you.

You are a lovely mother.

Did you not read her posts? He does not go out, he is never unaccompanied and most importantly, this is her DDs decision and her right to choose what happens. Where is the risk? If he was living a more normal life I would agree there is a public safety issue. But since there is not. DDs wishes need to be paramount. Or are you cavalier about retraumatizing her? Would you insist every rape victim must report what happened to them? Plenty of victims of SA dont report for various reasons.

He functions at the level of a 7/8 year old. Surely that makes a difference?

That doesn't change the fact that he has the potential to be a danger to others and frankly should be on the sex offenders register. She has to lice with her choices but I do wonder if she woukd have been so quick to not eport and press charges if he didnt have autism.

But if I am brutally honest I think you are using his additional needs to minimise what he did. If he didnt have autism what would you have done?

I am sorry you had the experience you did, but how is this a helpful question? The OP has moved mountains to support her DD and keep her son out of her way. And he is not just autistic, he has a very low level of function - which means he may well not understand what he has done.

If he was NT OP would have done different things. But accusing her of minimizing when she has made such heroic efforts to keep everyone safe is unfair.

Oh god @Tornbetween2children what a bloody awful situation.

Firstly as the survivor of abuse (not sexual) at the hands of a parent I cried when I read you had believed your dd from the outset and the steps you have taken to protect her. My mum did then and still does gaslight me abiut my situation.

Secondly, I so get the feeling torn, it must be really hard. Doesn't matter what he has done, he is your child and you will always want to do the best for him.

But if I am brutally honest I think you are using his additional needs to minimise what he did. If he didnt have autism what would you have done?

It’s also quite common for siblings to feel jealous of all the additional attention that SEND siblings require - I have been involved in a case like this where the accuser made it up out of resentment, so whilst OP absolutely needs to support her daughter I just hope that her DS isn’t being wrongly accused.

I would seek out another therapist, OP. You need to process this and for someone to listen without judgement. I think it's okay to let your daughter know that you are in therapy, too. It might be that at some point you could both talk to a therapist together? I don't know whether that's something you would ever want to broach with her, but it might be good for both of you to talk together in a safe environment.

As for contact with your son, I think it's right that you don't tell your daughter about the visits, but I don't think you are doing anything wrong by seeing him. He surely cannot have an understanding of what he's done, and I don't think it's a betrayal of your daughter to have some closeness with your son. No, he shouldn't be allowed to come to your house as that would be so traumatising for your daughter. But for you to visit him and be part of his life - I don't feel that is wrong.

I really feel for you, OP. What a sad situation. I think you are doing your absolute best and should maybe give yourself a break sometimes.

Op. U are doing an amazing job. Just believing your daughter is way more better than what lots of woman who tried to tell have been treated. U can still love your son u can’t help it but I think keeping the distance is the right thing to do and help the safety and security of your dd. Fk ur ex’s family nothing to do with them. Sure they will find a way to blame even if they did know by the sound of them. They are not important don’t give them head space. I do think tho a different councillor if it is still possible would be a good idea, no one can tell u when ur past help. Just keep up your relationship with ur daughter. Maybe tell her u are going to counselling again she might open up a little bit more but she is likely keeping details back to protect you too .