Page 7 | Have I ruined everything

theheckisgoingon28 · 2026-01-08T10:32:07+00:00

Hi Im so sorry but this might be a long read. I just want too say everything so you all can see mayne why I feel the way I do. been with boyfriend close too 2 and a half years. Severe issues with sex. For a good id say close to a year. I hate porn. It’s the worst thing to exist online in my opinion and I class it as cheating. Said all this at the start. When we had sex it would go on for hours with no end . After the first time I remember him saying ‘ I hope you ain’t one of them girls who thinks it’s because of them’ i said no but I did feel that way. Months went by still the same apart from the odd occasion. Now when he finished I felt so relieved. Didnt hate myself or feel disgusted with myself thinking it was me. Just to find out that so me how he had put porn on his phone with out me knowing and was watching it when we were doing it . To say iv never been so sad woth every aspect of my self is an understatement. he said it’s because he didn’t feel like a man . But he would then watch it as soon as I left for work . So still no finshing but would send me videos when I got to work of him wanking and then phoning me after saying how much of a good wank he had ect. Honestly to this day it’s give me severe anxiety. He had a porn addiction and wanking addiction . To this day he says he hasn’t watched it since but I have found stuff on his phone so I know hes lying but he will flip out and then I think it’s all in my head . so now I have anxiety everytime I leave his house , everytime I go to work in the morning . It’s so pathetic . Iv never experienced anything like this in my life . This morning we started doing it and he couldn’t continue because his back was hurting him. Fair enough . I got up got dressed and went to leave when he grabbed my arm and said I will not be wanking when you go to work and said it a few times . I said ok and left . On the way to work he sent me a what’s app . I don’t use my phone when driving so I pull over open it and I see a video . Instantly my stomach turns because in this video he sent me he is not full on wanking but his Willy is hard and hes wanking it slowly. He wrote under neath dont worry I won’t be wanking . now this has all messed my head up took me back to exactly how I felt for the first year. To me why would you send that video after oddly saying I won’t be wanking when I leave then putting that caption under a video of doing exactly what you said you wouldn’t do. I think he could tell something was wrong because he text me ok about ten mins after it. I didn’t even watch the whole video just deleted it . Iv felt so sad and sick all morning in work. I did reply and say I deleted it and I don’t get why he would send me it after saying he woundnt do it ect and how it made me feel like I did for the first year. i could tell this pissed him off he just replied ok sorry. then had a go saying i said no wanking not a skin touch ? What the hell. Then lost his shit and at the end told to me go shag Some one else . I just want to know if I’m in the wrong because I will say sorry or I have reason to feel the way I am . I havnt heard off him since around 6 and I highly doubt i will until maybe tomorrow. Thankyou

LittleArithmetics · 12/01/2026 10:10

Just to summarise, this guy:
-Sends videos of himself masturbating
-Sends gross messages about his masturbating
-Threatened to torture and kill you
-Gaslights and manipulates you
-Gets angry and shouts and swears
-Takes lots of drugs and lies about it
-Drinks too much, and behaves abusively when drunk
-Watches porn and lies about it, including during sex
-Says misogynistic things like 'all women are slags'
-Manipulatively threatens to kill himself
-Has no job, and stays in bed making no effort to get one
-Has an untrained/uncontrolled dog which is awful to live with

Have I missed anything?

HeadDeskHeadDesk · 12/01/2026 09:25

Saying if he wants a wank he will have a wank and loads of other things

Well of course he's entitled to masturbate if he feels the need. But that's where his entitlement ends.

This is now a me problem . And I apologise all the time . But because of everything I dealt with for a year maybe more . About the porn , never being able to finsh with me , wanking after hours of trying then being able to finish himself within minutes, sneakily watching porn having sex with me and me thinking he managed to finish because of me . And then sending me videos of him wanking as soon as I left his house to go to work , obviously to porn and then telling me how much of a good wank he had

All of this is not something he's entitled to do. He's a sexual and emotional screw-up. He's a vile, abusive piece of shit. So what if he has ADHD? So fucking what? That's not your problem to cure either. Stop wasting a minute more trying to understand, excuse or psychoanalyse him and just dump this revolting loser. You are going full circle now, talking about him taking booze up the mountain to drown his sorrows again, and yelling at you on the phone. Stop re-hashing the same scenarios over and over. They won't change until you make them change. Tell him it's finished, mean it, block his number, move on.

blackpooolrock · 12/01/2026 08:57

deja vu...

the definition of madness is doing the same thing over and over but expecting a different outcome.

OP with the greatest respect why would listen to anyone who is drunk and out their tits on speed and take them seriously? why would you give two shiny shits about what he says? why are you listening to him all over again?

Why speak to him at all when he will always turn everything around on you?

Best way to deal with him is don't answer the phone and engage - how can you be arsed to listen to a 55 min. rant? Put the phone down and go and do something which makes you happy.

Bikergran · 12/01/2026 08:52

He's a revolting POS. Pack your stuff and leave NOW. Block him on every possible way of contacting you and never speak to him again.

diddl · 12/01/2026 08:41

And then sending me videos of him wanking as soon as I left his house to go to work , obviously to porn and then telling me how much of a good wank he had .

He's utterly vile.

SALaw · 12/01/2026 08:41

You’ve been with this dud less than 2 years and had this issue for almost that whole time. Just end it? What’s the issue?

JanBlues2026 · 12/01/2026 08:12

We all can absolutely understand your issue with the wanking based on everything else, my only point was that in the future if you are with someone normal that them wanking in of itself shouldn’t be a problem and if you are still having those feelings around it that you may need therapy.

please stop interacting with this vile individual, he brings nothing to your life and will never change. Even if he promised to quit drugs it is not worth a lifetime of feeling like this. He has sexually abused and harassed you by sending the videos, it is unforgivable.

Original poster

theheckisgoingon28 · 12/01/2026 07:52

hi once again , Im actually as of today going to book myself in to do the freedom programme . I honestly can’t believe him comparing me to eating chocolate before dinner to him taking class a drugs . And it was also the way he was saying it , so patronising , Im a sad voice but that upsets me , rhat hurts me I told you I don’t want you to do that . But you keep doing it and it really affects me . God I feel sick actually . Im also going to get help with my absolute ridiculous anxiety around him wanking . I know it’s pathetic, Im pathetic. I hate that just something so normal and what iv never even worries about , thought of has now took over my life . He also brought that up yesterday. Saying if he wants a wank he will have a wank and loads of other things . Now I own this . This is now a me problem . And I apologise all the time . But because of everything I dealt with for a year maybe more . About the porn , never being able to finsh with me , wanking after hours of trying then being able to finish himself within minutes, sneakily watching porn having sex with me and me thinking he managed to finish because of me . And then sending me videos of him wanking as soon as I left his house to go to work , obviously to porn and then telling me how much of a good wank he had . Sometimes I do feel like me feeling the way I do about it is because it’s caused some ptsd and it just triggers all them feelings I felt and still do to this day. I would like to know if anyone can see my point of view or am I just point blank controlling . Thankyou

OP posts:

diddl · 12/01/2026 07:23

Are you still seeing him?

If not, why are you bothering to engage with him?

Original poster

theheckisgoingon28 · 12/01/2026 05:17

Ella31 · 08/01/2026 10:34

He sounds absolutely vile and you need to end it with him. He is emotionally abusing you and gas lighting you. You haven't ruined anything but he is ruining you, your self worth and happiness.

Ha ha morning op . No he didn’t . Iv always thought that there is more of an underlying problem than him just being the way he is . I have thought adhd. That doesn’t excuse him being aggressive when he’s drunk but he had major shifts in mood, energy everything . Im very empathetic. And he has empathy . In all this time I have never had a meaningful are you ok ? I have never ever had a hug when sad or worried and never had an it’s going to be ok . All these things are what I have always needed . I can’t pin point why he is like that. He had mentioned hes never grown up that way so weather that has made him like it i dont know . But iv never seen him show any love to anything . Unless he’s drunk and still there won’t be any of what I just mentioned but no one will ever love you like I do . And no one has, thay should be enough me just saying that . He says this is the way he is and if I don’t like it go find someone else . Im so exhausted again this morning . Im so fed up of coming to work and feeling like this

OP posts:

NeverDropYourMooncup · 12/01/2026 00:33

theheckisgoingon28 · 12/01/2026 00:01

Hi everyone , Im sorry I have been really quiet . Iv had a busy weekend . Im at home and in bed with my dog . First time in so long I have felt content . I ruined the night earlier . I have mentioned on here somewhere about the rolled up fag paper with white powder that was in his kitchen unit . Well he said pain killer was in it I thought coke . But a friend of mine today mentioned her boyfriend did that with speed . I don’t know notning about drugs so googled it and it was true . So instead of asking him I basically accused him of it .i just randomly said I knew there was speed In there and mentioned my friends boyfriend used to take it that way . Well I wish I didn’t say anything . Hasn’t ended very well and had an awful 55 minute long rant from him on the phone , main topic from him as usual drugs . Saying even tho he promised me time and time again no coke he will do it again , and I should just deal with it , porn . Apparently he hasn’t watched it Im over a year . God knows . And this is what has made me feel so differently in my head for the first time . He said he respects me . I said if he respected me and my views about drugs he wouldn’t take them or put him self in a situation where he knows the outcome will be to take drugs . I said if that was me and I knew your views I would be done . Id never touch them again . Now this is what had me . He said well if you respected me you wouldn’t eat chocolate before food . See you dont respect me ! I don’t like that I told you loads of times i domt like that and you keep doing it . Same thing ! I said me eating chocolate and you doing class a drugs are totally different. But he had gone straight to the shop to get cans , went up the mountain and started drinking . So I knew the phone call was going to be bad .

So he didn't bash himself unconscious and drown himself in a puddle then, did he?

Stop arguing with this imbecile. Block him.

HereForTheFreeLunch · 12/01/2026 00:29

Why are you still arguing with him? You will never win, he will never change.

MaePedwarGolau · 12/01/2026 00:09

Even if this guy wasn't a class-A wanker, which he clearly is, you would still be completely incompatible. You want a relationship with someone whose life doesn't include drugs and porn and he wants a life which includes drugs and porn. You are never going to change him and you deserve so much better. Walk away and don't look back.

Original poster

theheckisgoingon28 · 12/01/2026 00:01

Hi everyone , Im sorry I have been really quiet . Iv had a busy weekend . Im at home and in bed with my dog . First time in so long I have felt content . I ruined the night earlier . I have mentioned on here somewhere about the rolled up fag paper with white powder that was in his kitchen unit . Well he said pain killer was in it I thought coke . But a friend of mine today mentioned her boyfriend did that with speed . I don’t know notning about drugs so googled it and it was true . So instead of asking him I basically accused him of it .i just randomly said I knew there was speed In there and mentioned my friends boyfriend used to take it that way . Well I wish I didn’t say anything . Hasn’t ended very well and had an awful 55 minute long rant from him on the phone , main topic from him as usual drugs . Saying even tho he promised me time and time again no coke he will do it again , and I should just deal with it , porn . Apparently he hasn’t watched it Im over a year . God knows . And this is what has made me feel so differently in my head for the first time . He said he respects me . I said if he respected me and my views about drugs he wouldn’t take them or put him self in a situation where he knows the outcome will be to take drugs . I said if that was me and I knew your views I would be done . Id never touch them again . Now this is what had me . He said well if you respected me you wouldn’t eat chocolate before food . See you dont respect me ! I don’t like that I told you loads of times i domt like that and you keep doing it . Same thing ! I said me eating chocolate and you doing class a drugs are totally different. But he had gone straight to the shop to get cans , went up the mountain and started drinking . So I knew the phone call was going to be bad .

OP posts:

JanBlues2026 · 11/01/2026 17:46

Have you taken him back OP?

deepseaargyllfish · 10/01/2026 16:03

He sounds like he is 15 and has only just discovered his dick. At least 15-year-olds are inhibited about talking endlessly and oversharing in this way.

It sounds as though he isn’t interested in your pleasure at all, and having to have sex for hours is appalling.

Get rid of him. Relationships should be about talking, laughing, going out to places. Not this.

You don’t need to mention his addiction to masturbating. Just tell him you don’t have strong feelings for him (only of disgust, but don’t mention this), that you don’t see a future, don’t want the relationship, and you feel it would be dishonest on your part not to tell him. Tell him you dont want him to think it’s serious when to you, it isnt. Tell him you want to be single. Tell him anything, but get rid of him.

HeadDeskHeadDesk · 10/01/2026 13:48

theheckisgoingon28 · 08/01/2026 11:49

Hi, this is the thing . Iv never had issues with wanking . I was with my daughter’s father for over ten years . Left because he cheated a lot of times also was with my ex for years . And still not once did wanking , or drugs enter my head because there was no reason for me to have developed a literal phobia of it . I admit I do need therapy around this subject and oddly was even thinking about phoning my Docter this morning

Show quote history

You certainly don't need therapy to deal with a phobia of wanking. You don't have a phobia of wanking. You have an abusive, revolting piece of shit in your life who you seem to struggle to dislodge from it, although god knows why.

Therein lies the issue. Your inability to extract yourself from a monumentally unsatisfactory relationship with a man you don't even like. Not really. Nothing you say about him is positive and yet you feel compelled to stick with it anyway. It's as if you don't think you have permission or any right to do better than this for yourself and you'd rather put all your mental energy into flogging this dead horse instead of giving yourself permission to be free and happy without him.

If you need therapy, you need it for this, not for a wanking phobia.

I've heard it said that before you say you have depression or anxiety and rush off to the doctors, just check that the problem isn't actually your MH at all, but just that there are some really shitty people or circumstances making you feel mentally unwell. The removal of those people or circumstances will very often solve the problem all by itself and there won't be any need for a doctor, or anti-depressants or counselling.

He's an abusive sexual inadequate with a porn addiction and a coke addiction. Keep saying that out loud over and over until it sinks in. YOU. NEED. TO. LEAVE. HIM. He will not change. At least he won't for so long as you continue to stick around and tolerate it. If you really care about him then do him a massive favour and leave him. It might just be the push he needs to sort himself out so he can hopefully be less revolting to the next woman unfortunate enough to get involved with him. But the stark truth is that he isn't ever going to change for you. Even if he pretends he has to get you back, it will only be temporary and he will revert to type because that is the pattern that's been set for this relationship. Him being a manipulative waste of space and you being a doormat. There's no cure and no hope for the two of you. Just end it.

On another note, I think you really need to call the RSPCA about his dog. He's clearly neglecting it and it's had no proper training or routine, poor thing. A dog that creates havoc as soon as it 'gets out of its cage' is an animal who spends too much time in that cage and is reacting to stress and anxiety. You aren't the only one this man is making stressed and anxious.

Garroty · 10/01/2026 07:50

theheckisgoingon28 · 09/01/2026 12:17

Hey me again ! So like Someone had mentioned . He would contact me , he phoned me on my way back too work. Said get everything off my chest . I said I thought you said it was over and I don’t know why hes phoning me , didn’t expect it amd I said I would have respected your decision and would have left you alone . I don’t know why hes phoning phoned me because it was another argument . I said what was on my mind drugs ect. Said I don’t want to be with Someone who thinks taking coke is ok. He said he hasn’t since Christmas . Then kicked off again saying i cant see how much he has changed . I said change to me is someone who changes completely and stops something . Not stopping just for a few days , weeks at a time . He said wrll i dont see anything wrong with it you do just because it’s ilegal if it was legal you wouldn’t care . I said I would because it changes people . Long story short i said what he said on the weekend and that was he is going to stop doing coke this year . Then on the phone he said hes not going to promise because he says it’s a social thing and will be doing it again and cant see what my problem is or why I keep brining it up because of how much he changed . He then lost it completely said he was going to bash his head in with his phone . Drown him self in a puddle . Dont know how that would work . And said he has to go because his head is going .

OP you have got to put an end to this now because we can all see you walking back into this relationship with a man who is day by day destroying you. You are giving him the tools to abuse you by continuously letting him back in in some truly irrational hope that he will change and make you happy. He will never change. He will abuse you every day for the rest of your life if you keep him in it. And your poor, lovely daughter has to watch her kind, loving mum be a shell of herself for the sake of a man.

Choose your daughter. Choose the path that will allow you to be a happy, calm mum to her, not the path that will make you an anxious, depressed partner to an abusive man. Pick your daughter over him, because I guarantee she sees what is happening to you and is being traumatised too.

Block his number and delete it from your phone, then at the earliest opportunity - like today - get a new phone number so that he can no longer contact you whatever apps he has. If he turns up at your house or your work, phone the police.

You are on the cusp of freedom here, take it.

LemonyCurd · 09/01/2026 21:36

Please block this man. Change your number if you have to. Would it help if you contacted Women’s Aid about advice on leaving? I feel like you need support to help you make that step.

Luddite26 · 09/01/2026 21:06

Oh this man's awful. Please do yourself a favour and stop it all now. Lucky you aren't living with him thank goodness. Awful awful.

Letsswitchitup · 09/01/2026 20:19

I have no words! 😳

Shenanigany · 09/01/2026 18:17

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

ClarasSisters · 09/01/2026 14:43

theheckisgoingon28 · 09/01/2026 12:17

Hey me again ! So like Someone had mentioned . He would contact me , he phoned me on my way back too work. Said get everything off my chest . I said I thought you said it was over and I don’t know why hes phoning me , didn’t expect it amd I said I would have respected your decision and would have left you alone . I don’t know why hes phoning phoned me because it was another argument . I said what was on my mind drugs ect. Said I don’t want to be with Someone who thinks taking coke is ok. He said he hasn’t since Christmas . Then kicked off again saying i cant see how much he has changed . I said change to me is someone who changes completely and stops something . Not stopping just for a few days , weeks at a time . He said wrll i dont see anything wrong with it you do just because it’s ilegal if it was legal you wouldn’t care . I said I would because it changes people . Long story short i said what he said on the weekend and that was he is going to stop doing coke this year . Then on the phone he said hes not going to promise because he says it’s a social thing and will be doing it again and cant see what my problem is or why I keep brining it up because of how much he changed . He then lost it completely said he was going to bash his head in with his phone . Drown him self in a puddle . Dont know how that would work . And said he has to go because his head is going .

Block. Him.

His behaviour is not your responsibility.

HarvestMouseandGoldenCups · 09/01/2026 13:46

@theheckisgoingon28now that he’s lost his job he won’t get another one. All he has to distract him is drugs and tormenting you. He’s treated you like a slave who he has contempt for… if he could do worse to you without getting in trouble trust me he would.

Block him and don’t speak to him again. He will only argue and argue and then be nice for an hour or two to get you to have sex with him or clean his house or buy him things and then he will be nasty again and go do more drugs and torment you.

The only way to find happiness is to get away from him. Clean break. Then you can rebuild yourself and your life.

Or continue to let him treat you like you’re unworthy of happiness and see your life only get worse and worse.

HereForTheFreeLunch · 09/01/2026 13:45

Don't get drawn in. You don't need to give him a reason. You don't need someone to blame.
You don't need to validate whether your reasons are enough or not.

Said get everything off my chest - No.

Keep the Mumsnet mantra "No is a complete sentence" in your head.
No explanation, no apology. No understanding, no complaints. Just NO.

No, I am done. And hangup.