Page 6 | Have I ruined everything

theheckisgoingon28 · 2026-01-08T10:32:07+00:00

Hi Im so sorry but this might be a long read. I just want too say everything so you all can see mayne why I feel the way I do. been with boyfriend close too 2 and a half years. Severe issues with sex. For a good id say close to a year. I hate porn. It’s the worst thing to exist online in my opinion and I class it as cheating. Said all this at the start. When we had sex it would go on for hours with no end . After the first time I remember him saying ‘ I hope you ain’t one of them girls who thinks it’s because of them’ i said no but I did feel that way. Months went by still the same apart from the odd occasion. Now when he finished I felt so relieved. Didnt hate myself or feel disgusted with myself thinking it was me. Just to find out that so me how he had put porn on his phone with out me knowing and was watching it when we were doing it . To say iv never been so sad woth every aspect of my self is an understatement. he said it’s because he didn’t feel like a man . But he would then watch it as soon as I left for work . So still no finshing but would send me videos when I got to work of him wanking and then phoning me after saying how much of a good wank he had ect. Honestly to this day it’s give me severe anxiety. He had a porn addiction and wanking addiction . To this day he says he hasn’t watched it since but I have found stuff on his phone so I know hes lying but he will flip out and then I think it’s all in my head . so now I have anxiety everytime I leave his house , everytime I go to work in the morning . It’s so pathetic . Iv never experienced anything like this in my life . This morning we started doing it and he couldn’t continue because his back was hurting him. Fair enough . I got up got dressed and went to leave when he grabbed my arm and said I will not be wanking when you go to work and said it a few times . I said ok and left . On the way to work he sent me a what’s app . I don’t use my phone when driving so I pull over open it and I see a video . Instantly my stomach turns because in this video he sent me he is not full on wanking but his Willy is hard and hes wanking it slowly. He wrote under neath dont worry I won’t be wanking . now this has all messed my head up took me back to exactly how I felt for the first year. To me why would you send that video after oddly saying I won’t be wanking when I leave then putting that caption under a video of doing exactly what you said you wouldn’t do. I think he could tell something was wrong because he text me ok about ten mins after it. I didn’t even watch the whole video just deleted it . Iv felt so sad and sick all morning in work. I did reply and say I deleted it and I don’t get why he would send me it after saying he woundnt do it ect and how it made me feel like I did for the first year. i could tell this pissed him off he just replied ok sorry. then had a go saying i said no wanking not a skin touch ? What the hell. Then lost his shit and at the end told to me go shag Some one else . I just want to know if I’m in the wrong because I will say sorry or I have reason to feel the way I am . I havnt heard off him since around 6 and I highly doubt i will until maybe tomorrow. Thankyou

BuckChuckets · 18/01/2026 12:19

So you haven't done it then? You're going to keep repeating this destructive cycle till your daughter gets fed up of having to listen to and see the horrible way you're treated, and you end up never seeing her.

Woody18 · 18/01/2026 09:40

Oh good god OP! I was so pleased seeing your update and everyone starting to encourage and congratulate you and I thought thank goodness you've finally listened and got rid of this vile creature in your life. But you didn't listen!!! I've just seen your latest 2 posts...

For crying out loud, it actually makes me feel sick reading all the nice things you were planning to do for him! I'm sorry but it's time to be cruel to be kind to you.
I'm sure I'm not alone in thinking this, I feel desperately desperately sorry for you and understand you're trauma bonded and destroyed mentally and emotionally by this disgusting abusive man and your past. But honestly I don't think any other thread has wound me up as much as this one.
I don't post at all on MN usually but I am so horrified by this that I feel compelled to.
I actually don't know what to say to you as I am so angry for you that what I want to say would probably sound abusive!
The only thing I can think of is do it for your daughter!!!
Show her this is not acceptable and no woman on earth should be wanting to be with a man who behaves like this!
OP, I'm actually so wound up I think I'll have to finish my post here.
I literally am praying for you that you don't contact him again....

HarvestMouseandGoldenCups · 18/01/2026 09:35

I thought you’d broken up with him? Why was he coming round if you’d cut him out?

Anyway, glad you seem to have found some strength and ended it. Don’t take him back… he will do the same thing over and over and over again for the next 10,20, 30 years until his drinking kills him.

Enjoy your walk.

Original poster

theheckisgoingon28 · 18/01/2026 09:00

Thankyou ❤️ my daughter has gone on holidays . She will be back next week . I havnt text her anything because I just want her and her partner to enjoy their time away . Oddly I can handle the way I feel a lot better when im
on my own . But im going to get out of bed because my dog is having a meltdown because he wants to go out ha ha . I did want to take him
to the beach again today but when I cleaned it yesterday I noticed hes mad a little hole in the back seat . Hes a huge dog and there is nothing I buy or do that keeps his back feet from going through . So I think a long local mountain walk will have to do today

OP posts:

Original poster

theheckisgoingon28 · 18/01/2026 08:56

sorry I didnt mean to press send. Out of everything he has done this is what finally made me realise I can’t do it to myself anymore .

my daughter and her bf have gone on holiday. We have never experienced normality of living together because of his dog and the fact he hasn’t got much of a house left because of them so it’s just sat in the bedroom 24/7. Now Im used to eating at a table , cooking together, snuggling up on the sofa with munch and maybe a glass of wine watching films them falling asleep ect . Just all that iv always missed . So with my daughter being away i was so excited and wanted to make everything perfect for him to stay with me for a week . I cleaned the whole house , done a huge food and munch shop , bought candles ,
flowers , and the plan was he would come down from work shower , chill out id make food , we would eat at the table . Then sofa for films and loads of crap food. I was going to do him a nice breakfast in the morning and we were going to make cakes .

this was planned the whole week leading up until Friday . Friday came and for some reason I had a feeling that it was going to be ruined . He phoned me at 4 said he won’t be long in work and he will walk the dog with me . He said twenty mins tops . I didn’t hear off him . This was an hour now. I phoned him . His phone was off . He phones ke back 40 mins later saying his battery had died and hes gone to take his boss somewhere which is 45 mins away from where we live and where he was working . Fair enough . Another hour goes by i phone him . There’s a pub on a mountain where we live but also a route to get to where he lives . He said hes in that mountain and won’t be long. This is when I knew he would be going to the pub . I didn’t phone him an hour went by again. Just like all the other times before where he has gone out not told me and I havnt heard off him u til the next day I thought it was going to be like that. He eventually phones me. And I can tell by his voice he’s been drinking . This is now nearly 4 hours late. He said dont moan now iv been for a drink . We got another bottle to take with us and I got to take my boss somewhere else and il phine you. I asked if he had done coke because it’s with the one hes wirh now who he does it with all the time . He flips out and says no. Said iv ruined the night by asking him. I only asked because that’s what happens every time . I felt bad for asking and it made me anxious because at that point I knew I ruined the rest of the night .
i waited an hour still nothing , I phoned him nothing . So I thought it go drive past where he said hes pricing up a job with his boss .
well they were there sitting in the van drinking cans . He sees my car and phones me . And hes steaming . Said it’s my fault hes drunk . Asking him
if he had took
coke . He was shouting . Just blaming me for ruining the night . Said he was still going to come down . This was 8 now. I said to him I just wanted him come down , normal . Not drunk as usual jusy normal . He makes me anxious when he’s drunk too because of the way he gets aggressive . He said for me to shut up and he woudl
phome me straight back . He didn’t . I phoned him at 9. He was still drinking and sniffing with his boss . And how I know he was sniffing is because when he’s drunk hes gone . No way could he text me normally . He text me at half 11 blaming me but it was all too perfect . Then sent me sad songs . I didn’t open them . I was in such a state that night that something clicked and I can’t do this anymore .

OP posts:

wrongthinker · 18/01/2026 08:44

theheckisgoingon28 · 18/01/2026 08:36

Hi . Iv done it. It’s been three days I know not long at all but iv ignored his texts , calls everything . Even deactivated my social media . And turned my phone off for most of this time . Im feeling so anxious tho . It feels like it comes in waves .

iv been keeping my self busy deep cleaning my house , car , garden , and taking my dog to the beach . But still I feel lost

Good for you, OP. That was so brave.

You're going to feel lost and sad and traumatised and probably just really shit for who knows how long. Just don't cave and go back to him. It will only make it harder and he will become more abusive the next time around.

Keep doing what you're doing, fill your life with good things and people. And keep coming back to this thread for support or if you feel yourself weakening.

Lmnop22 · 18/01/2026 08:38

theheckisgoingon28 · 18/01/2026 08:36

Hi . Iv done it. It’s been three days I know not long at all but iv ignored his texts , calls everything . Even deactivated my social media . And turned my phone off for most of this time . Im feeling so anxious tho . It feels like it comes in waves .

iv been keeping my self busy deep cleaning my house , car , garden , and taking my dog to the beach . But still I feel lost

Well done! This is such a strong thing that you’ve done to invest in a better future for yourself.

Please continue to be strong, keep ignoring this horrible man and in a few weeks you’ll wonder why you were ever together to begin with!

YourPoliteLeader · 18/01/2026 08:38

Good on you @theheckisgoingon28

I bet your daughter is over the moon. What about spending day with her doing something nice?

Original poster

theheckisgoingon28 · 18/01/2026 08:36

Hi . Iv done it. It’s been three days I know not long at all but iv ignored his texts , calls everything . Even deactivated my social media . And turned my phone off for most of this time . Im feeling so anxious tho . It feels like it comes in waves .

iv been keeping my self busy deep cleaning my house , car , garden , and taking my dog to the beach . But still I feel lost

OP posts:

SmittenApple · 13/01/2026 10:45

If he never comes to you @theheckisgoingon28 and it is only you going to him, that should
make estrangement very straightforward?

NZDreaming · 13/01/2026 08:20

@theheckisgoingon28 nothing anyone is saying seems to be getting through to you. No one thinks you are controlling/selfish/in the wrong, only that he is disgusting, cruel, abusive and manipulative, from our view he has no redeeming features. From the outside it seems absurd that you would stay with a man who causes you such grief and contributes nothing but misery and anxiety to your life, especially as there is no physical reason (shared children/home/finances) stopping you from ending this immediately.

Could you instead tell us 5 genuinely good things about your relationship with this man? Perhaps if you think about your relationship in these terms you might be able to realise that there really is no good reason to stay, as all the bad things you seem to want to defend or blame on yourself.

Try it, 5 genuinely good qualities about this man that make all of this worth it.

deepseaargyllfish · 12/01/2026 19:22

theheckisgoingon28 · 12/01/2026 05:17

Ha ha morning op . No he didn’t . Iv always thought that there is more of an underlying problem than him just being the way he is . I have thought adhd. That doesn’t excuse him being aggressive when he’s drunk but he had major shifts in mood, energy everything . Im very empathetic. And he has empathy . In all this time I have never had a meaningful are you ok ? I have never ever had a hug when sad or worried and never had an it’s going to be ok . All these things are what I have always needed . I can’t pin point why he is like that. He had mentioned hes never grown up that way so weather that has made him like it i dont know . But iv never seen him show any love to anything . Unless he’s drunk and still there won’t be any of what I just mentioned but no one will ever love you like I do . And no one has, thay should be enough me just saying that . He says this is the way he is and if I don’t like it go find someone else . Im so exhausted again this morning . Im so fed up of coming to work and feeling like this

Show quote history

Well, he’s right. You don’t like it (his behaviour) and you would be better off with someone else - perhaps after a spell on your own first - so follow his advice and walk away.

He cares so little, he’s telling you to clear off, so why don’t you?

BuckChuckets · 12/01/2026 15:44

Why are you even talking to him? Ridiculous.

Moonlightfrog · 12/01/2026 15:24

If you are leaving him why are you still making excuses for him and blaming yourself. No one has said your controlling about his wanking, everyone has said his behaviour is awful and to leave.

I recently did the freedom programme and the pattern changing programme, I would highly recommend doing both. Maybe you will then realise that his behaviour towards you and porn isn’t normal.

SALaw · 12/01/2026 15:20

theheckisgoingon28 · 12/01/2026 07:52

hi once again , Im actually as of today going to book myself in to do the freedom programme . I honestly can’t believe him comparing me to eating chocolate before dinner to him taking class a drugs . And it was also the way he was saying it , so patronising , Im a sad voice but that upsets me , rhat hurts me I told you I don’t want you to do that . But you keep doing it and it really affects me . God I feel sick actually . Im also going to get help with my absolute ridiculous anxiety around him wanking . I know it’s pathetic, Im pathetic. I hate that just something so normal and what iv never even worries about , thought of has now took over my life . He also brought that up yesterday. Saying if he wants a wank he will have a wank and loads of other things . Now I own this . This is now a me problem . And I apologise all the time . But because of everything I dealt with for a year maybe more . About the porn , never being able to finsh with me , wanking after hours of trying then being able to finish himself within minutes, sneakily watching porn having sex with me and me thinking he managed to finish because of me . And then sending me videos of him wanking as soon as I left his house to go to work , obviously to porn and then telling me how much of a good wank he had . Sometimes I do feel like me feeling the way I do about it is because it’s caused some ptsd and it just triggers all them feelings I felt and still do to this day. I would like to know if anyone can see my point of view or am I just point blank controlling . Thankyou

You don’t have any issue to resolve about your feelings about him wanking. You aren’t getting worked up about him quietly wanking in his own privacy with no impact on you. You are anxious about him sending you videos and constantly viewing porn to the point it affects his real life sex life with you. This isn’t an unreasonable thing for you to feel. This issue is his. GET. RID. OF. HIM.

Lmnop22 · 12/01/2026 14:20

I thought you split up though?

OP please tell me you didn’t take him back…..!

You have taken a massive first step signing up to the Freedom Programme - you must never go back to this man or talk to him again. Why are you having 55 minute long conversations with someone who dumped you a few days ago and is being drunkenly abusive?

JanBlues2026 · 12/01/2026 14:04

Duckiewasthefirstniceguy · 12/01/2026 12:35

Are you actually reading people’s responses to you, OP? As not one person has called you controlling.

We've said you need to end this and asked why you haven’t. Over and over and over again. And you’ve ignored us all. Over and over and over again.

What is going on here?

Show quote history

Same old story unfortunately

Duckiewasthefirstniceguy · 12/01/2026 12:35

theheckisgoingon28 · 12/01/2026 07:52

hi once again , Im actually as of today going to book myself in to do the freedom programme . I honestly can’t believe him comparing me to eating chocolate before dinner to him taking class a drugs . And it was also the way he was saying it , so patronising , Im a sad voice but that upsets me , rhat hurts me I told you I don’t want you to do that . But you keep doing it and it really affects me . God I feel sick actually . Im also going to get help with my absolute ridiculous anxiety around him wanking . I know it’s pathetic, Im pathetic. I hate that just something so normal and what iv never even worries about , thought of has now took over my life . He also brought that up yesterday. Saying if he wants a wank he will have a wank and loads of other things . Now I own this . This is now a me problem . And I apologise all the time . But because of everything I dealt with for a year maybe more . About the porn , never being able to finsh with me , wanking after hours of trying then being able to finish himself within minutes, sneakily watching porn having sex with me and me thinking he managed to finish because of me . And then sending me videos of him wanking as soon as I left his house to go to work , obviously to porn and then telling me how much of a good wank he had . Sometimes I do feel like me feeling the way I do about it is because it’s caused some ptsd and it just triggers all them feelings I felt and still do to this day. I would like to know if anyone can see my point of view or am I just point blank controlling . Thankyou

Are you actually reading people’s responses to you, OP? As not one person has called you controlling.

We've said you need to end this and asked why you haven’t. Over and over and over again. And you’ve ignored us all. Over and over and over again.

What is going on here?

gamerchick · 12/01/2026 12:21

I would like to know if anyone can see my point of view or am I just point blank controlling . Thankyou

Would it make any difference OP? You've had multiple threads with pages and pages telling you the same thing and here you are again asking.

It's like watching someone self harm.

Tell him to sling his hook, put your phone away before your boss notices and focus on being by yourself for a bit.

He's not going to meet your needs. Not ever.

Alltheyellowbirds · 12/01/2026 12:11

OP. I have read your thread and am horrified. I am glad he has ended things because you might not have managed to do it. Now that he has, PLEASE block his number and NEVER speak to him again.

Do the Freedom Programme and enjoy a wonderful life without this utter psycho x

AnOldCynic · 12/01/2026 11:55

No you haven’t. But he has.

ClarasSisters · 12/01/2026 11:48

theheckisgoingon28 · 12/01/2026 05:17

Ha ha morning op . No he didn’t . Iv always thought that there is more of an underlying problem than him just being the way he is . I have thought adhd. That doesn’t excuse him being aggressive when he’s drunk but he had major shifts in mood, energy everything . Im very empathetic. And he has empathy . In all this time I have never had a meaningful are you ok ? I have never ever had a hug when sad or worried and never had an it’s going to be ok . All these things are what I have always needed . I can’t pin point why he is like that. He had mentioned hes never grown up that way so weather that has made him like it i dont know . But iv never seen him show any love to anything . Unless he’s drunk and still there won’t be any of what I just mentioned but no one will ever love you like I do . And no one has, thay should be enough me just saying that . He says this is the way he is and if I don’t like it go find someone else . Im so exhausted again this morning . Im so fed up of coming to work and feeling like this

Show quote history

Im so exhausted again this morning . Im so fed up of coming to work and feeling like this

You don't have to. Ever again. End it now.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 12/01/2026 11:41

That is a really wise and caring post, @NettleTea - I am sorry you had to go through that, but I’m glad you have come through it, and it’s amazing that you are using your experience to help someone else.

NettleTea · 12/01/2026 11:22

do seem so determined to prove that you are right, that you cant see the wood for the trees.
I know this scenario, as Ive lived it too. Its the effect of living with a liar when you are someone who, because of your childhood and past relationship history, needs honesty and truth to feel safe.
And you dont know what love is.
Really, believe me, you dont.
You think its to do with crumbs and sex

It really, really, isnt,

You will drive yourself crazy trying to know whats going on in his head - I mean, listen to yourself - look back at your posts, it ALL about him, about what he said, about what he feels, about trying to understand the whats, the wheres, the whys - there is no space left for you to think about anything else for a second, because even thoughts about yourself have him right at the centre of it.

I went to therapy and was told 2 things. Firstly, I was so busy firefighting every problem that he made, that I didnt have the mental space to actually realise I could step away from the drama. I wanted to fix it, but it was not fixable, becuae what I was trying to fix was broken beyond repair and not my job to fix.

And secondly I went because I had a relationship problem that I wanted to sort out (which is kind of the same as above) The therapist from an outside perspective could see very clearly - as everyone here can see very clearly - that I didnt have a relationship problem. The relationship WAS the problem, and once that was out of the way and my brain was able to break the habit of centering him in everything, it had the space to then start working on the unhelpful messages about myself and about relationships that I had picked up along my life.

I hope you stick with the freedom programme. I hope you ope your eyes. I hope you can pull your mind off ever getting the truth from this bloke.

ItsOnlyHobnobs · 12/01/2026 10:58

I would love to know what you do for work, as you seem to spend a lot of your time in your workplace stressed out and pontificating about this man.

Spend significantly less time wondering about him and his behaviours, and more time on why on earth you choose to stay around for this. Not if you are in the wrong, if you said the right thing, if x,y,z shit show scenario is useful, but literally why the hell am I still choosing and tolerating this. Just stop it.