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Original poster

Have I ruined everything

531 replies

theheckisgoingon28 · 08/01/2026 10:32

Hi Im so sorry but this might be a long read. I just want too say everything so you all can see mayne why I feel the way I do.
been with boyfriend close too 2 and a half years. Severe issues with sex. For a good id say close to a year. I hate porn. It’s the worst thing to exist online in my opinion and I class it as cheating. Said all this at the start. When we had sex it would go on for hours with no end . After the first time I remember him saying ‘ I hope you ain’t one of them girls who thinks it’s because of them’ i said no but I did feel that way. Months went by still the same apart from the odd occasion. Now when he finished I felt so relieved. Didnt hate myself or feel disgusted with myself thinking it was me. Just to find out that so me how he had put porn on his phone with out me knowing and was watching it when we were doing it . To say iv never been so sad woth every aspect of my self is an understatement.
he said it’s because he didn’t feel like a man . But he would then watch it as soon as I left for work . So still no finshing but would send me videos when I got to work of him wanking and then phoning me after saying how much of a good wank he had ect. Honestly to this day it’s give me severe anxiety. He had a porn addiction and wanking addiction . To this day he says he hasn’t watched it since but I have found stuff on his phone so I know hes lying but he will flip out and then I think it’s all in my head .
so now I have anxiety everytime I leave his house , everytime I go to work in the morning . It’s so pathetic . Iv never experienced anything like this in my life . This morning we started doing it and he couldn’t continue because his back was hurting him. Fair enough . I got up got dressed and went to leave when he grabbed my arm and said I will not be wanking when you go to work and said it a few times . I said ok and left . On the way to work he sent me a what’s app . I don’t use my phone when driving so I pull over open it and I see a video . Instantly my stomach turns because in this video he sent me he is not full on wanking but his Willy is hard and hes wanking it slowly. He wrote under neath dont worry I won’t be wanking .
now this has all messed my head up took me back to exactly how I felt for the first year. To me why would you send that video after oddly saying I won’t be wanking when I leave then putting that caption under a video of doing exactly what you said you wouldn’t do.
I think he could tell something was wrong because he text me ok about ten mins after it. I didn’t even watch the whole video just deleted it . Iv felt so sad and sick all morning in work. I did reply and say I deleted it and I don’t get why he would send me it after saying he woundnt do it ect and how it made me feel like I did for the first year.
i could tell this pissed him off he just replied ok sorry.
then had a go saying i said no wanking not a skin touch ? What the hell. Then lost his shit and at the end told to me go shag Some one else . I just want to know if I’m in the wrong because I will say sorry or I have reason to feel the way I am . I havnt heard off him since around 6 and I highly doubt i will until maybe tomorrow. Thankyou

OP posts:
Original poster
theheckisgoingon28 · 19/01/2026 05:15

Hi everyone Thankyou all for your comments. I have read every single one of them . And they helped me so much last night when I was feeling pretty low . I turned my phone off airplane mode for 5 minutes to text my daughter last night to see how she is enjoying her holiday and with him seconds i had another message , again from his fake app. This time tho no abuse . It was why are you still ignoring me?
man’s oddly just having that made me feel a bit better too because it made me think hes maybe realising Im serious this time . I would say maybe hes realised just a tiny bit how he’s treated me but that’s impossible with him unfortunately. I know loads will think and have said they will be back tomorrow. But when I say this is the first time I have ever felt like this about him Im serious . This is the first time iv not cared what he does when I have left . I have only left over drink drugs and porn in the past and I always have severe anxiety then when I am away because I know that he does it more when I leave . He blames me for it tho . Says he does it because I leave . But this time I have thought about it a few times and not one bit of me cares .
I honestly never want to speak to him or see him again. When we went away and he got drunk the other weekend and flipped out until early hours of the morning he said the next time we finish hes leaving for good to go a few hundred miles away . It petrified me. Now it doesn’t .
as for my daughter. She sees non of what goes on and I am always cheerful around her . I hate showing sadness in real life . Been brought up to think being sad is being weak.
also I don’t think Im addicted to this forum . But it’s the only place I can come to believe if it’s me whos causing all this because no one knows me and will tell me the truth . All I want is a peace full life . No drama just to be happy . And with him it was impossible. Crazy how everyone warned me about him when we first got together. Even a friend of his had my number off a friend of mine . Phoned me when I was in work and said how stupid i was said everything was going to happen just as it has. And that he will Ruin my life. He hasn’t done that and as from now Im going to forget he even existed . This is all crazy too me how I can feel like this . I feel free. But I didn’t think I’d ever be able to feel like this . Im scared this isnt going to last and im going to feel like I always have done in the next few days

OP posts:
NewGirlInTown · 19/01/2026 02:58

theheckisgoingon28 · 08/01/2026 11:04

Hi Thankyou for your reply . We don’t live together because of his dog . She’s pretty disruptive. He has no living room left , if left unattended for even ten minutes she will destroy things . There’s no wall paper on the walls , no sofa left , shes had the internet box, main electric cable . A good thousand pounds worth of my things. I could go on and on . She has also attacked my boy ( dog) hes the love of my life ha ha. Just randomly will go for his face . She took a chunk out of it a few months ago . And I won’t even walk them together no more . Im a huge animal lover and iv got to hate his dog. And I have quite a bit of guilt over feeling that way . Because of how much I love animals . But it’s every single day even is shes been out non stop running for an hour . Like last night . He took her out running non stop . She gets in . And I put the tv on down stairs . Not even half hour later thr tv doesnt come on shes chewed all the wire. But I know I mention anxiety a lot but theres so much more going on . Iv actually changed my name to write this because of how embarrassed I feel. I find it all so draining . We live in his bedroom because of his dog . Been this way pretty much from day one . And then Im constantly back and forth between my house and his because I have to see my dog . And sort him out this could be up to 3-4 times a day . Up down up down . Im up at just gone 4 for work and im just constantly tired all the time then this added stress and worry all the time .

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This sounds like a plot from Shameless!
Could he be more of a loser? Does he have a job?

NZDreaming · 18/01/2026 23:17

NZDreaming · 13/01/2026 08:20

@theheckisgoingon28 nothing anyone is saying seems to be getting through to you. No one thinks you are controlling/selfish/in the wrong, only that he is disgusting, cruel, abusive and manipulative, from our view he has no redeeming features. From the outside it seems absurd that you would stay with a man who causes you such grief and contributes nothing but misery and anxiety to your life, especially as there is no physical reason (shared children/home/finances) stopping you from ending this immediately.

Could you instead tell us 5 genuinely good things about your relationship with this man? Perhaps if you think about your relationship in these terms you might be able to realise that there really is no good reason to stay, as all the bad things you seem to want to defend or blame on yourself.

Try it, 5 genuinely good qualities about this man that make all of this worth it.

@theheckisgoingon28 ive never been in your situation so I can’t relate to the way you feel the need to keep returning to this awful situation and to be so convinced that it’s all your fault. The next time you feel the urge to contact this disgusting person please try the exercise I suggested - write down 5 genuinely good things about him. They have to be real things, not false promises or potential for what you think he might become. I really doubt you’d be able to come up with one and that really should tell you all you need to know.

SimplyBedeviled · 18/01/2026 22:44

They’ll be back together by tomorrow….

lauraloulou1 · 18/01/2026 22:05

OP I have read all your posts on this thread a few on your last one. It sounds like you really didnt have a good start in life and that has left you with some serious issues around self esteem and trust. I am also wondering are you a little addicted to Mumsmet and this AIBU thread - no shade, I have went through stages of this as well as its nice to get the concern of strangers particularly when suffering from loneliness and isolation. Are you self medicating yourself? I wonder, gently, what role you are playing in your own suffering. Are you a co dependent? Why is this bad bad man the key to your happiness? You are 38, have your own home, a beautiful daughter, a job, a dog. These are your blessings. You need to do the work to figure out why you go back, why you crave the drama, the highs the lows the abuse. You deserve happiness and this happiness lies in your hands. He has shown you what he is. Believe him. Get some help. The painful work of growing into a mature independent self healed woman is waiting for you. Find a womens circle, put your energy elsewhere - back into you. You have survived your life through amazing strength - use it now to break free and then stay single until you do the sober work. Good luck.

Cantbelieveit888 · 18/01/2026 21:33

Why do I feel this story isn’t real…. I feel like this is one big wind up yet compelled to continue reading… because if this is real….. it’s son incredibly sad….. and it’s history repeating itself…. I feel like the OP has lowest self esteem to let this cycle continue….

L0bstersLass · 18/01/2026 21:07

theheckisgoingon28 · 18/01/2026 18:47

I have . But the difference is how I feel . So this is all new for me

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Keep strong. You've made a good start.
He's disgusting.

Emilybemily8 · 18/01/2026 20:57

Oopsylazy · 18/01/2026 20:34

He sounds absolutely vile.

You need to work on your self esteem OP - I feel very sorry for your dd too, it must be awful for her to see her dm being abused like this.

Just dire for the daughter and all she’s known for years probably, as I can’t see previous boyfriends of the OP would have been particularly great either

Emilybemily8 · 18/01/2026 20:56

What a sorry tale this is, with no happy ending eventually I suspect

Oopsylazy · 18/01/2026 20:34

He sounds absolutely vile.

You need to work on your self esteem OP - I feel very sorry for your dd too, it must be awful for her to see her dm being abused like this.

ZeldaFighter · 18/01/2026 20:31

..."cleaned the whole house , done a huge food and munch shop , bought candles ,
flowers , and the plan was he would come down from work shower , chill out id make food , we would eat at the table . Then sofa for films and loads of crap food. I was going to do him a nice breakfast in the morning and we were going to make cakes."

You are a nice, kind and thoughtful person. I don't do this for my husband of 30+ years. And you deserve someone who would do this for you.

This man is not who you deserve. He does not love you or even seem to care about you.

Please dig deep and leave him in your past. You are worth so much more. Do it for yourself, you deserve kindness and happiness too.

Lillygolightly · 18/01/2026 20:27

Hi @theheckisgoingon28

Just in case you start to doubt yourself I want to point out some things for you:

You could be absolutely fine and accepting of the porn, the wanking and disappointing sex.

You could be absolutely fine with him taking drugs, drinking and going out.

You could be absolutely fine about him constantly letting you down.

You could literally never make any complaint or any comment on any of the above and be nothing but sweet and this man would still find reason to argue, put you down, shout you down, be aggressive, unaffectionate and god only knows what else. He will find reason to abuse you, because that’s what he is, he is a liar and abuser and seeks nothing but a victim. He doesn’t want a happy, warm, loving respectful relationship, he wants conflict, he wants arguments, he wants drama, he wants abuse - HE WANTS TO ABUSE YOU!!

He is an ADDICT and nothing you can ever do or say will make him choose you over his numerous addictions.

You could be perfect in every single way and none of it would make a difference, all this man wants to do is tear you down and take you down with him. He does not love you, he does not care for you no matter what empty promises he might make. You exist in his world, but he doesn’t exist in yours and the only reason you exist in his at all is because it’s provides him with the attention and the conflict which he desires.

This man is nothing but a liar and an addict, he will never stop the porn, the drugs or the abuse. He cannot love you and treat you as you deserve to be treated, he isn’t capable of it and simply does not know how.

Please stay strong, please don’t let this man continue to abuse you and make your doubt your own reality.

You deserve someone who will truly love and care for you, who will comfort you when you cry and hold you when you are sad, who will be respectful and truthful, who wants to build a genuine relationship. You deserve all those things and more.

Do the freedom program it’s excellent, get some therapy and work on making yourself happy. Stay strong, you can do it!!! 💐

dotdotdotdash · 18/01/2026 19:53

You’re doing well and the Mumsnetters are here for you. Work on getting real life support: Freedom programme, Women’s Aid, friends you trust. I recommend the Crappy Childhood Fairy on YouTube as well. She gives a lot of practical adviceX

BuckChuckets · 18/01/2026 19:15

theheckisgoingon28 · 18/01/2026 18:47

I have . But the difference is how I feel . So this is all new for me

Show quote history

That's good, make sure you keep hold of that feeling, and reach out to somewhere like Womens Aid or a local womens charity to support you.

Original poster
theheckisgoingon28 · 18/01/2026 18:47

BuckChuckets · 18/01/2026 18:43

I'm sure you've said that before...

Show quote history

I have . But the difference is how I feel . So this is all new for me

OP posts:
Original poster
theheckisgoingon28 · 18/01/2026 18:45

diddl · 18/01/2026 15:26

Well that was confusing!

So Friday evening you were still phoning & hoping he would come & stay with you?

Even when he was pissing you about?

And he just didn't come round & blamed you rather than you actually telling him to piss off?

And he's still contacting you?

Hi op i was stupidly thinking things could be better but obviously I was just stupid . I have blocked him but he had an app on his phone which lets him contact you reguardless if hes blocked or not . I read the first bit of a message he sent today and deleted it before I read the rest . But it started . I bet you shaved your minge. And went out shagging last night .

OP posts:
BuckChuckets · 18/01/2026 18:43

theheckisgoingon28 · 18/01/2026 18:40

Hi Im still staying strong . I stupidly took him back because of fake sorries . But I can promise you there won’t be anymore updates of any of this crap any more . The state i was in Friday . I never want to feel like that again . And I know he is not ever going to change . And I can’t do this anymore

I'm sure you've said that before...

Original poster
theheckisgoingon28 · 18/01/2026 18:40

Hi Im still staying strong . I stupidly took him back because of fake sorries . But I can promise you there won’t be anymore updates of any of this crap any more . The state i was in Friday . I never want to feel like that again . And I know he is not ever going to change . And I can’t do this anymore

OP posts:
ZeldaFighter · 18/01/2026 18:39

OP, abused women take years to find help. Because it's like this, it's so hard for you.

Please look at some information from places like Women's Aid or Refuge. Maybe speak to someone. You need to leave him.

To misquote "Game of Thrones", if you think this is going to have a happy ending, you haven't been paying attention.

Please find someone to support you and leave this toxic relationship. Everyone involved, even him, will be better off.

lechatnoir · 18/01/2026 17:41

i’m totally un surprised, but very sad to see your latest updates which I’m sure won’t be the last. I assume you haven’t contacted women’s aid or looked into the freedom program yet? OP I’m not posting again as I can sadly see your not ready to properly disengage and this cycle will only continue u til you can see him for what he really is. It’s really sad to read but I mainly feel sorry for your poor daughter having to watch her mum self-destruct with this loser.

I really hope to see an update one day when he is properly out of your life and you are happily on your own and rebuilding your life.

diddl · 18/01/2026 15:26

Well that was confusing!

So Friday evening you were still phoning & hoping he would come & stay with you?

Even when he was pissing you about?

And he just didn't come round & blamed you rather than you actually telling him to piss off?

And he's still contacting you?

YourPoliteLeader · 18/01/2026 14:04

Scared0112 · 18/01/2026 12:33

I had to stop posting early on and even reading because I just knew this would be how this would go.

what an absolute waste of your life. One day you’re going to be reflecting on your life and realise how this was the moment you chose this pitiful excuse of a man over yourself, your happiness and your life’s enjoyment.

And her daughter who must be thoroughly sick of all this

YourPoliteLeader · 18/01/2026 14:04

i waited an hour still nothing , I phoned him nothing . So I thought it go drive past where he said hes pricing up a job with his boss

Insane behaviour. Over and Out.

Roaminginthegloaming · 18/01/2026 14:01

He’s drinking heavily, sniffing cocaine and driving?

OMG I’d be reporting him to the police!
If he’s taken into custody the RSPCA will retrieve his poor dog.

Scared0112 · 18/01/2026 12:33

I had to stop posting early on and even reading because I just knew this would be how this would go.

what an absolute waste of your life. One day you’re going to be reflecting on your life and realise how this was the moment you chose this pitiful excuse of a man over yourself, your happiness and your life’s enjoyment.

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