Page 2 | Have I ruined everything

theheckisgoingon28 · 2026-01-08T10:32:07+00:00

Hi Im so sorry but this might be a long read. I just want too say everything so you all can see mayne why I feel the way I do. been with boyfriend close too 2 and a half years. Severe issues with sex. For a good id say close to a year. I hate porn. It’s the worst thing to exist online in my opinion and I class it as cheating. Said all this at the start. When we had sex it would go on for hours with no end . After the first time I remember him saying ‘ I hope you ain’t one of them girls who thinks it’s because of them’ i said no but I did feel that way. Months went by still the same apart from the odd occasion. Now when he finished I felt so relieved. Didnt hate myself or feel disgusted with myself thinking it was me. Just to find out that so me how he had put porn on his phone with out me knowing and was watching it when we were doing it . To say iv never been so sad woth every aspect of my self is an understatement. he said it’s because he didn’t feel like a man . But he would then watch it as soon as I left for work . So still no finshing but would send me videos when I got to work of him wanking and then phoning me after saying how much of a good wank he had ect. Honestly to this day it’s give me severe anxiety. He had a porn addiction and wanking addiction . To this day he says he hasn’t watched it since but I have found stuff on his phone so I know hes lying but he will flip out and then I think it’s all in my head . so now I have anxiety everytime I leave his house , everytime I go to work in the morning . It’s so pathetic . Iv never experienced anything like this in my life . This morning we started doing it and he couldn’t continue because his back was hurting him. Fair enough . I got up got dressed and went to leave when he grabbed my arm and said I will not be wanking when you go to work and said it a few times . I said ok and left . On the way to work he sent me a what’s app . I don’t use my phone when driving so I pull over open it and I see a video . Instantly my stomach turns because in this video he sent me he is not full on wanking but his Willy is hard and hes wanking it slowly. He wrote under neath dont worry I won’t be wanking . now this has all messed my head up took me back to exactly how I felt for the first year. To me why would you send that video after oddly saying I won’t be wanking when I leave then putting that caption under a video of doing exactly what you said you wouldn’t do. I think he could tell something was wrong because he text me ok about ten mins after it. I didn’t even watch the whole video just deleted it . Iv felt so sad and sick all morning in work. I did reply and say I deleted it and I don’t get why he would send me it after saying he woundnt do it ect and how it made me feel like I did for the first year. i could tell this pissed him off he just replied ok sorry. then had a go saying i said no wanking not a skin touch ? What the hell. Then lost his shit and at the end told to me go shag Some one else . I just want to know if I’m in the wrong because I will say sorry or I have reason to feel the way I am . I havnt heard off him since around 6 and I highly doubt i will until maybe tomorrow. Thankyou

Aplstrudl · 22/01/2026 08:48

Omg…. Seriously. Your dd will be aware of all this shit going on so don’t tell yourself she isnt. It’s a very bad example to her as you’re letting this idiot walk all over you. Cut the ties once and for all and ignore him and if it persists, report harassment to the police.

ZeldaFighter · 22/01/2026 08:45

theheckisgoingon28 · 22/01/2026 05:34

Hi this is going to be another long one and I know people will say why do I care ect but I do . I think iv spent so long with him always blaming me for things he has done and also then twists things to make me feel the bad one and then what he has done is somehow ok in his twisted idea of reality .

I had an awful afternoon yesterday and still feeling the same now . I just feel lost , been crying constantly missing him. That note has proper messed with my head . I keep thinking why . And I do thinknits because there was no sorry or anything about what he done . Just so clueless as to why I am ignoring him and then blaming me for cheating . How can someone be like that ? It’s definitely the fact that he just doesn’t care . Maybe he does know what he’s done but I know he doesn’t care . He doesn’t care about anything and I do thinknits because it’s some kind of mental health issue he has because he doesn’t do it on purpose it’s like it just doesn’t register. All Im doing is sleeping my life away. My poor dog is upsetting me . Even tho Im still walking him and giving him love Im taking him on boring short walks 3 times a day where as hes used to long walks and trips in the car then Im coming home feeding him and then sleeping . He is next to me when I’m sleeping but I’m an awful owner this week. I feel like I have 0 motivation . When I’m like this is suffer in silence . Obviously not on here but in rl. I won’t see anyone and just stay at home as much as I can.

whats really bothering me is . I went out Boxing Day. Iv had issues with his best friend . Hes not well liked and has been in and out of jail. Deals drugs and takes drugs daily . I hated him for most of our relationship because like I said in a previous post he would text my ex to meet up just to do drugs . Texting about drugs daily . A friend of my ex started working with him and started doing drugs more and more . His girlfriend messaged me one night when they both said they were on their way home and turned their phones off until the next day. We got really close and I was her support . And she was mine . His friend would be in the conversation a lot because thats who was giving them drugs and obviously we would say things about him basically how we felt . My ex stayed out with him one night . We were eating food and he phoned him . Said he has to see him and he won’t be long promised me he wouldn’t do drugs . He turns up 7 hours later off his face on coke . Now my head went and I text my friend some nasty things about this friend . It took me a few weeks after to realise it’s not him at all that makes my ex do more drugs it is infact him. Always has been. My friends boyfriend started on worse drugs. Crack. Stole her phone and sent messages that I sent about the other friend directly to him. I did apologise and that was that. Havnt spoke to my friend in nearly 3 months . Because her boyfriend stole her phone.

i went out Boxing Day and luckily only had one drink . My exs friend was out. The one I said some nasty things about and I went up to him and appologised face to face . He was completely off it had been taking coke all day and drink . His girlfriend is the same and she come up to me tried attacking me and attacked two of my friends . Her boyfriend then attacked me outside . Pushes me against the wall and said he was going to kill me. Kept saying i have stole his best friend off him. Loads more were said from the both of them . It was a horrible night . My ex found out through his friend and girlfriend phoning him saying I was kicking off . I didn’t do anything , didnt even raise my voice . Now I have anxiety that hes seen him or hes going to see him and believe his lies . He did say I know exactly what hes like this is why I don’t go near him when hes had a drink . But I know this friend is going to lie . They also said they kicked off because I went up to the girlfriend and said they do drugs in front of their kids . I did not say that at all . All this is worrying me because this will play in his favour and he will love having another reason to blame me . He will hate me even more . I knew this would happen from the start because this friend cant do anything wrong . And my ex will choose and defend him over anyone . I don’t know why but he does . Why am I thinking and worrying about all this !

@theheckisgoingon28 it's sad that your friendship has ended but she tried to attack you and allowed her boyfriend to attack you. She is not your friend anymore and you need to stay away from her in case she tries to hurt you again. She is not your friend. Leave her behind too and focus on a future with better friends.

Sleeping more than usual can be a sign of depression. Or the difficult feelings are from coming out of 2 years of domestic abuse. Could you speak to your GP about how you're feeling? They might be able to help. They might also be able to refer you for therapy or domestic violence support.

You're not being a bad owner to your dog but you are being a bad owner to yourself. If your dog was struggling with something, you would help him and take him to the vet. Give yourself the same help and love. Be kind to yourself. You've showed enormous courage in breaking free - try to find someone to support you irl. Keep going!

disturbia · 22/01/2026 07:17

STOP expecting people addicted to hard drugs and alcohol to behave rationally with you. They never will. They have been damaged by substances and sound like tbey are extremely mentally ill. Their behaviour will be horrendous. You cannot rationalise it. You will not find answers or explanations for their treatment of you other than addiction issues. You will feel depressed for a while as you have been a victim of domestic abuse for so long. Please read this book Power and Control by Sandra Horley. She was the CEO of Refuge. Google cocaine addiction.

SALaw · 22/01/2026 06:16

theheckisgoingon28 · 22/01/2026 05:34

Hi this is going to be another long one and I know people will say why do I care ect but I do . I think iv spent so long with him always blaming me for things he has done and also then twists things to make me feel the bad one and then what he has done is somehow ok in his twisted idea of reality .

I had an awful afternoon yesterday and still feeling the same now . I just feel lost , been crying constantly missing him. That note has proper messed with my head . I keep thinking why . And I do thinknits because there was no sorry or anything about what he done . Just so clueless as to why I am ignoring him and then blaming me for cheating . How can someone be like that ? It’s definitely the fact that he just doesn’t care . Maybe he does know what he’s done but I know he doesn’t care . He doesn’t care about anything and I do thinknits because it’s some kind of mental health issue he has because he doesn’t do it on purpose it’s like it just doesn’t register. All Im doing is sleeping my life away. My poor dog is upsetting me . Even tho Im still walking him and giving him love Im taking him on boring short walks 3 times a day where as hes used to long walks and trips in the car then Im coming home feeding him and then sleeping . He is next to me when I’m sleeping but I’m an awful owner this week. I feel like I have 0 motivation . When I’m like this is suffer in silence . Obviously not on here but in rl. I won’t see anyone and just stay at home as much as I can.

whats really bothering me is . I went out Boxing Day. Iv had issues with his best friend . Hes not well liked and has been in and out of jail. Deals drugs and takes drugs daily . I hated him for most of our relationship because like I said in a previous post he would text my ex to meet up just to do drugs . Texting about drugs daily . A friend of my ex started working with him and started doing drugs more and more . His girlfriend messaged me one night when they both said they were on their way home and turned their phones off until the next day. We got really close and I was her support . And she was mine . His friend would be in the conversation a lot because thats who was giving them drugs and obviously we would say things about him basically how we felt . My ex stayed out with him one night . We were eating food and he phoned him . Said he has to see him and he won’t be long promised me he wouldn’t do drugs . He turns up 7 hours later off his face on coke . Now my head went and I text my friend some nasty things about this friend . It took me a few weeks after to realise it’s not him at all that makes my ex do more drugs it is infact him. Always has been. My friends boyfriend started on worse drugs. Crack. Stole her phone and sent messages that I sent about the other friend directly to him. I did apologise and that was that. Havnt spoke to my friend in nearly 3 months . Because her boyfriend stole her phone.

i went out Boxing Day and luckily only had one drink . My exs friend was out. The one I said some nasty things about and I went up to him and appologised face to face . He was completely off it had been taking coke all day and drink . His girlfriend is the same and she come up to me tried attacking me and attacked two of my friends . Her boyfriend then attacked me outside . Pushes me against the wall and said he was going to kill me. Kept saying i have stole his best friend off him. Loads more were said from the both of them . It was a horrible night . My ex found out through his friend and girlfriend phoning him saying I was kicking off . I didn’t do anything , didnt even raise my voice . Now I have anxiety that hes seen him or hes going to see him and believe his lies . He did say I know exactly what hes like this is why I don’t go near him when hes had a drink . But I know this friend is going to lie . They also said they kicked off because I went up to the girlfriend and said they do drugs in front of their kids . I did not say that at all . All this is worrying me because this will play in his favour and he will love having another reason to blame me . He will hate me even more . I knew this would happen from the start because this friend cant do anything wrong . And my ex will choose and defend him over anyone . I don’t know why but he does . Why am I thinking and worrying about all this !

Why. Do. You. Care??? These people all sound like idiots, liars, criminals and drug addicts. They may well decide some version of events about who said why to who but it is no longer your concern and you’re well out of it.

Original poster

theheckisgoingon28 · 22/01/2026 06:01

ZeldaFighter · 21/01/2026 13:55

I'm probably a bit sad but I've been thinking of you a lot and hoping you get through this. I've never been in your situation but your posts are so clear on how hard this has been for you. I do really believe you've got the strength to move on positively from these bad times though.

I think any sort of Women's Aid group near you would be helpful. Other people have mentioned the Freedom programme. Once you have got out of this, you do not want the same again with someone else! Learn how to value and cherish yourself.

Not just me but hundreds of women are behind you. Leave him behind all of us.

Show quote history

This made me extremely emotional. Thankyou so much ❤️. When I wrote my post on here I didn’t expect for anyone to say that all this isn’t me being controlling or a horrible person . I know maybe more than half of the people commenting on here wont believe me when I say this time I won’t go back but I mean in . I can’t go back this time. And a lot of me feeling like what he puts me through is wrong is because of everyone on here . Making me realise that I didn’t deserve any of it . So once again i Thankyou and everyone else who has helped me.

OP posts:

Original poster

theheckisgoingon28 · 22/01/2026 05:34

Hi this is going to be another long one and I know people will say why do I care ect but I do . I think iv spent so long with him always blaming me for things he has done and also then twists things to make me feel the bad one and then what he has done is somehow ok in his twisted idea of reality .

I had an awful afternoon yesterday and still feeling the same now . I just feel lost , been crying constantly missing him. That note has proper messed with my head . I keep thinking why . And I do thinknits because there was no sorry or anything about what he done . Just so clueless as to why I am ignoring him and then blaming me for cheating . How can someone be like that ? It’s definitely the fact that he just doesn’t care . Maybe he does know what he’s done but I know he doesn’t care . He doesn’t care about anything and I do thinknits because it’s some kind of mental health issue he has because he doesn’t do it on purpose it’s like it just doesn’t register. All Im doing is sleeping my life away. My poor dog is upsetting me . Even tho Im still walking him and giving him love Im taking him on boring short walks 3 times a day where as hes used to long walks and trips in the car then Im coming home feeding him and then sleeping . He is next to me when I’m sleeping but I’m an awful owner this week. I feel like I have 0 motivation . When I’m like this is suffer in silence . Obviously not on here but in rl. I won’t see anyone and just stay at home as much as I can.

whats really bothering me is . I went out Boxing Day. Iv had issues with his best friend . Hes not well liked and has been in and out of jail. Deals drugs and takes drugs daily . I hated him for most of our relationship because like I said in a previous post he would text my ex to meet up just to do drugs . Texting about drugs daily . A friend of my ex started working with him and started doing drugs more and more . His girlfriend messaged me one night when they both said they were on their way home and turned their phones off until the next day. We got really close and I was her support . And she was mine . His friend would be in the conversation a lot because thats who was giving them drugs and obviously we would say things about him basically how we felt . My ex stayed out with him one night . We were eating food and he phoned him . Said he has to see him and he won’t be long promised me he wouldn’t do drugs . He turns up 7 hours later off his face on coke . Now my head went and I text my friend some nasty things about this friend . It took me a few weeks after to realise it’s not him at all that makes my ex do more drugs it is infact him. Always has been. My friends boyfriend started on worse drugs. Crack. Stole her phone and sent messages that I sent about the other friend directly to him. I did apologise and that was that. Havnt spoke to my friend in nearly 3 months . Because her boyfriend stole her phone.

i went out Boxing Day and luckily only had one drink . My exs friend was out. The one I said some nasty things about and I went up to him and appologised face to face . He was completely off it had been taking coke all day and drink . His girlfriend is the same and she come up to me tried attacking me and attacked two of my friends . Her boyfriend then attacked me outside . Pushes me against the wall and said he was going to kill me. Kept saying i have stole his best friend off him. Loads more were said from the both of them . It was a horrible night . My ex found out through his friend and girlfriend phoning him saying I was kicking off . I didn’t do anything , didnt even raise my voice . Now I have anxiety that hes seen him or hes going to see him and believe his lies . He did say I know exactly what hes like this is why I don’t go near him when hes had a drink . But I know this friend is going to lie . They also said they kicked off because I went up to the girlfriend and said they do drugs in front of their kids . I did not say that at all . All this is worrying me because this will play in his favour and he will love having another reason to blame me . He will hate me even more . I knew this would happen from the start because this friend cant do anything wrong . And my ex will choose and defend him over anyone . I don’t know why but he does . Why am I thinking and worrying about all this !

OP posts:

wrongthinker · 21/01/2026 16:05

He doesn't care about you, OP. He doesn't even really know you, does he? You don't share any interests, because all he's interested in is drink and drugs. You can't possibly have anything to talk about together. He's just another man who is wasting his life. He could choose differently, but he won't. He never will.

You are addicted to him, as a pp said. And it's hard and painful to end an addiction. But the only way to do it is to just do it. Every time you start thinking about him, or rather, every time you allow the self-doubt to come creeping back in, come back here and read this thread. Make a list of every time he let you down, lied, mistreated you. Make a list of everything you dislike about him.

Then make a list of everything you can do now you're free of him. Peaceful evenings with your dog. Choosing your own activities. Using your time how you please rather than waiting around for him. Taking a holiday. Reading a book. Picking up a hobby that you haven't done for a while because your head has been full of this idiot male.

It will probably take a bit of time but if you don't weaken - not one single drag! - then before you know it, you'll go whole days without even remembering he exists. And then you really will be free.

HarvestMouseandGoldenCups · 21/01/2026 14:27

Also just FYI, OP means original poster - you are the OP @theheckisgoingon28

Other people are not OP so you don’t need to call them that on here.

NettleTea · 21/01/2026 14:08

He just couldn’t escape from the life and the person who I know deep down he really wanted too.

this is just not true though.

You have fallen for the lie, that a womans love can save a fallen man.

That person you believe he can be doesnt exist, he is the man you would like him to be, which you have projected onto him, but the real him is the one he has been battling you to be - the one you dont like, but who wants to be and do the stuff you dont want him to.

IF he had problems, they would be up to him to fix, he would want to fix them, and he would want to want to fix them. But he doesnt. Fixing deep rooted problems is tough, horrible, and you have to face dark demons and accept responsibility for yourself. Most people dont do the work. But nobody can do the work for you or force you to do it.

Get away and work on your own demons, OP, so that any life you have in the future is a good one..

ZeldaFighter · 21/01/2026 13:55

theheckisgoingon28 · 21/01/2026 13:24

Thankyou so much op. Honestly you have made me feel so much better and make me think I can do this. I will do it this time . This is the strongest iv been . I know it doesn’t seem like . And also all the other times all I have wanted to do was see him and now when I think of it i dont want too . I can’t wait to get to the point where if he ever came in to my mind I’d feel nothing . I know it will happen. Another thing that is helping me too is thinking there are people going through far worse than me , in life , breakup wise too. So I shouldn’t be feeling like this .

Show quote history

I'm probably a bit sad but I've been thinking of you a lot and hoping you get through this. I've never been in your situation but your posts are so clear on how hard this has been for you. I do really believe you've got the strength to move on positively from these bad times though.

I think any sort of Women's Aid group near you would be helpful. Other people have mentioned the Freedom programme. Once you have got out of this, you do not want the same again with someone else! Learn how to value and cherish yourself.

Not just me but hundreds of women are behind you. Leave him behind all of us.

Original poster

theheckisgoingon28 · 21/01/2026 13:28

HereForTheFreeLunch · 20/01/2026 23:22

oddly every new friend he makes through work are exactly the same too ..
He makes these friends because these are the people he likes. They like doing the same things as he does. They have similar interests and values to him.
People choose their friends. He does too.

Hi op. You’re so right . For a good two years I always blamed his friends , who he would meet in work for making him do drugs . Then a few months ago something registered in my head that it’s all him . Hes an old enough to make his own stupid decisions. No one forced him. It’s because he wanted too and in fact he has been the main instigator. Where people who he has started working with had to leave or their girlfriends would have left them. I can’t imagine him ever being friends with someone who isnt like him . When ever he meets up with his friends he does drugs every single time

OP posts:

Original poster

theheckisgoingon28 · 21/01/2026 13:24

ZeldaFighter · 21/01/2026 12:04

What do you want, OP?

His happiness or your happiness?
Stress worrying about him or relief, calm and freedom?
Endlessly chasing after him or time for you, your dog and your DD?

How do you want to feel and where do you want to be on 1st February 2026? Or 1st March 2026?

It's your choice. Letting go can be hard but you won't regret it. You can do it!

Thankyou so much op. Honestly you have made me feel so much better and make me think I can do this. I will do it this time . This is the strongest iv been . I know it doesn’t seem like . And also all the other times all I have wanted to do was see him and now when I think of it i dont want too . I can’t wait to get to the point where if he ever came in to my mind I’d feel nothing . I know it will happen. Another thing that is helping me too is thinking there are people going through far worse than me , in life , breakup wise too. So I shouldn’t be feeling like this .

OP posts:

ZeldaFighter · 21/01/2026 12:04

What do you want, OP?

His happiness or your happiness?
Stress worrying about him or relief, calm and freedom?
Endlessly chasing after him or time for you, your dog and your DD?

How do you want to feel and where do you want to be on 1st February 2026? Or 1st March 2026?

It's your choice. Letting go can be hard but you won't regret it. You can do it!

Lmnop22 · 21/01/2026 09:47

theheckisgoingon28 · 20/01/2026 23:16

Op Thankyou for this i really needed to hear that right now . Iv had my first awful night since Friday . Just been crying most of the night missing him . I know how stupid and pathetic that sounds but I keep drumming it in my head that he doesn’t care . He would always say no one has or will ever love me as much as him and oddly I believe it in his messed up kind of way . He just couldn’t escape from the life and the person who I know deep down he really wanted too. He thinks everything he does is normal and always has just because everyone he has ever had as friends are exactly the same and oddly every new friend he makes through work are exactly the same too . I don’t understand how everyone he comes across does the same as him. None of my friends are like it or even new people i meet at work ect . I keep having stupid thoughts of I wish he would just come down mine and say how sorry he is but I know he will never do that . Never . It was always me saying sorry for everything he did just because I didn’t want to be with out him. I will then have a few minutes of sense and drum
it into my head what exactly am I missing about him. The endless anxiety of what has he took today, is he taking drugs in work worrying about porn all the time .

Show quote history

You need to think of it like the alcohol/drugs/porn you hate so much and that he is addicted to.

When you’re addicted to something you want it more than anything and only having it will make you feel better. But you know it’s bad for you, you know it will hurt you and you know you should stop.

You are addicted to him and the high feeling you get when it’s good with him. You feel really low now because you’re doing what’s best for you and you’ve given him up and your whole body is aching for and chasing that high.

But you need to break the cycle. You need to remember that he’s bad for you and the further you get down the path of not allowing yourself the quick fix, the closer you get to not needing the fix at all

Woody18 · 21/01/2026 09:32

theheckisgoingon28 · 20/01/2026 23:16

Op Thankyou for this i really needed to hear that right now . Iv had my first awful night since Friday . Just been crying most of the night missing him . I know how stupid and pathetic that sounds but I keep drumming it in my head that he doesn’t care . He would always say no one has or will ever love me as much as him and oddly I believe it in his messed up kind of way . He just couldn’t escape from the life and the person who I know deep down he really wanted too. He thinks everything he does is normal and always has just because everyone he has ever had as friends are exactly the same and oddly every new friend he makes through work are exactly the same too . I don’t understand how everyone he comes across does the same as him. None of my friends are like it or even new people i meet at work ect . I keep having stupid thoughts of I wish he would just come down mine and say how sorry he is but I know he will never do that . Never . It was always me saying sorry for everything he did just because I didn’t want to be with out him. I will then have a few minutes of sense and drum
it into my head what exactly am I missing about him. The endless anxiety of what has he took today, is he taking drugs in work worrying about porn all the time .

Show quote history

OP, you're on a loop, round and round again. Give your head a wobble and realise that you haven't moved forwards at all!
You're literally admitting that if he apologises you'll jump straight back to him. Insanity!
A definition of insanity/madness is "repeating the same thing over and over and expecting a different result".
Your behaviour and thinking is INSANE. Abused/manipulated/traumatised/conditioned - even if you are all of these things, you as a human being who has her own house and job can dig deep to find the emotional intelligence to listen to what EVERYONE is saying to you and stop this utterly insane behaviour.
No more excuses! Your destiny is in your hands, no-one else's....

HereForTheFreeLunch · 20/01/2026 23:22

oddly every new friend he makes through work are exactly the same too ..
He makes these friends because these are the people he likes. They like doing the same things as he does. They have similar interests and values to him.
People choose their friends. He does too.

Original poster

theheckisgoingon28 · 20/01/2026 23:16

Tigerbalmshark · 20/01/2026 19:53

OP, he doesn’t want any of that. You want that. He wants to go back to sitting at home, skipping work and taking drugs. That is the real him. The other stuff was you nagging him.

Show quote history

Op Thankyou for this i really needed to hear that right now . Iv had my first awful night since Friday . Just been crying most of the night missing him . I know how stupid and pathetic that sounds but I keep drumming it in my head that he doesn’t care . He would always say no one has or will ever love me as much as him and oddly I believe it in his messed up kind of way . He just couldn’t escape from the life and the person who I know deep down he really wanted too. He thinks everything he does is normal and always has just because everyone he has ever had as friends are exactly the same and oddly every new friend he makes through work are exactly the same too . I don’t understand how everyone he comes across does the same as him. None of my friends are like it or even new people i meet at work ect . I keep having stupid thoughts of I wish he would just come down mine and say how sorry he is but I know he will never do that . Never . It was always me saying sorry for everything he did just because I didn’t want to be with out him. I will then have a few minutes of sense and drum
it into my head what exactly am I missing about him. The endless anxiety of what has he took today, is he taking drugs in work worrying about porn all the time .

OP posts:

Tigerbalmshark · 20/01/2026 19:53

theheckisgoingon28 · 20/01/2026 05:21

hi so obviously I didn’t text him off my new number . I reactivated my Facebook messanger , unblocked him and sent him a message saying I didnt leave my house apart from walking the dog over the weekend . And explained it was because of what he did Friday when all I wanted to do was make it nice for him . Also said a few other things regarding the way he treats me . I confirmed it was over and wished him well. I can’t block him for a few days on there now so I just deactivated again until I can. My friend messaged me last night and said he still has our photo together on his profile photo. I know there is no other reason for him doing this other than to make people think we are still together so I don’t go out and sleep with anyone else . Id never do that anyways . Thats not who I am and even if I was single for a long time still wouldn’t do it . Iv woke up feeling extremely anxious today . Missing him, and having stupid thoughts of him moving on and having a good life with out me . The life I always wanted for him/us. Before I met him he was in a huge rut. Drank numerous cans every night , hardly go to work. Would smoke weed 24/7 and do coke on his own in his house in the week too. He wasn’t getting anywhere with work and was always skint because he would spend what he had on drink and drugs and like I said would be so off it or depressed the next morning he wouldn’t get up for work . I came along and did change all this to an extent. At the start for months I would be going up his to wake him up to go to work because he wouldn’t be getting up . He’d go in late but at least he would go . Now he doesn’t miss a day . He has enrolled in a course he has always wanted to do but didnt have the motivation to do . It’s going to take him 3 years to do. I hope he will stick to it still. I have mixed feelings . All I want is for him to have the life that deep down I know he deserves and wants . Then it scares me that I have ruined my self getting him better and hes going to be living this life with out me . Why am I thinking like this now . I was doing so good up until that note yesterday. I think it’s because I honestly thought him following me and stopping me in his van was to apologise . And then when I read the note it was just because he thinks I slept with someone else and doesn’t even care what he did Friday because I know for a fact he doesn’t think he done anything wrong and that hurts so much .

OP, he doesn’t want any of that. You want that. He wants to go back to sitting at home, skipping work and taking drugs. That is the real him. The other stuff was you nagging him.

HeadDeskHeadDesk · 20/01/2026 18:07

theheckisgoingon28 · 20/01/2026 05:21

hi so obviously I didn’t text him off my new number . I reactivated my Facebook messanger , unblocked him and sent him a message saying I didnt leave my house apart from walking the dog over the weekend . And explained it was because of what he did Friday when all I wanted to do was make it nice for him . Also said a few other things regarding the way he treats me . I confirmed it was over and wished him well. I can’t block him for a few days on there now so I just deactivated again until I can. My friend messaged me last night and said he still has our photo together on his profile photo. I know there is no other reason for him doing this other than to make people think we are still together so I don’t go out and sleep with anyone else . Id never do that anyways . Thats not who I am and even if I was single for a long time still wouldn’t do it . Iv woke up feeling extremely anxious today . Missing him, and having stupid thoughts of him moving on and having a good life with out me . The life I always wanted for him/us. Before I met him he was in a huge rut. Drank numerous cans every night , hardly go to work. Would smoke weed 24/7 and do coke on his own in his house in the week too. He wasn’t getting anywhere with work and was always skint because he would spend what he had on drink and drugs and like I said would be so off it or depressed the next morning he wouldn’t get up for work . I came along and did change all this to an extent. At the start for months I would be going up his to wake him up to go to work because he wouldn’t be getting up . He’d go in late but at least he would go . Now he doesn’t miss a day . He has enrolled in a course he has always wanted to do but didnt have the motivation to do . It’s going to take him 3 years to do. I hope he will stick to it still. I have mixed feelings . All I want is for him to have the life that deep down I know he deserves and wants . Then it scares me that I have ruined my self getting him better and hes going to be living this life with out me . Why am I thinking like this now . I was doing so good up until that note yesterday. I think it’s because I honestly thought him following me and stopping me in his van was to apologise . And then when I read the note it was just because he thinks I slept with someone else and doesn’t even care what he did Friday because I know for a fact he doesn’t think he done anything wrong and that hurts so much .

Let's be real. He's not going to be living the life you wanted with someone else, is he? He has had all the chances in the world to be that man for you and he can't. He can't because he doesn't really want to, basically. He is STILL taking cans of booze and driving up mountains to get pissed. He's STILL doing coke and weed. He's still choosing getting wasted over spending time with you. Okay so perhaps he goes to work a bit more reliably than he did, but he's still a shit show of a human being and a horrible, selfish partner. You haven't cured him. He's not going to suddenly turn into a prince for the next poor mug who takes him on.

Like I said in my previous post, you have put years of hard graft into trying to mould him into the man you wish he was, instead of just looking at the man he is and saying 'Nope. I need better than you.' and moving on.

Even now, the way you talk about him makes him sound like a failed social work project. A charity case you took on. By the sounds of things he's actually a better, more functional man now than he used to be, thanks to you, and yet he's still so monumentally fucking awful. It defies belief that any sane woman would choose to put all this effort into one man who had absolutely NOTHING going for him from the beginning and in spite of all these apparent improvements, you still have so little to show for it. You really need to ask yourself WHY you thought any of this was ever a good use of your time and energy.

NettleTea · 20/01/2026 17:52

I think you confuse having healthy boundaries with 'you being controlling'

But thats something you can work on in the freedom programme. Please Please do that.

and agree with telling all that you are over, and you dont want to hear anything about him - he will use them to get to you, to try to force a reaction - try to pre-empt this.

Also dont think about asking any messages/info to be passed to him via friends - just try try try not to speak to them about him at all, nothing. Yopu want to create the new habit where he is out of your head and you replace thoughts about him with thoughts about other, more positive thoughts. It is going to be hard, and you will fail at times, but its the result of the conditioning he has done to make him always the centre of your every thought and action. If you start to begin to think about anything to do with him and the relationship - even if its about your role in it, or thingsd you did or said, shout 'NO>STOP' loudly in your head and make a big effort to change thoughts. Have something stupid thatmakes you laugh to think about instead, just to divert your mind from that pathway.

Now also be prepared, and this is why you need to be ready to call the police if he comes knocking.

He will try every technique to find your weak spot - to find the angle that will make you cave and give him a way in. That is why its best if he cannot speak to you at all and you must not listen to him - EVEN AT THE COST OF DEFENDING /EXPLAINING YOURSELF. - that is one of your vunerabilities - explaining and trying to prove you are right/didnt do what he said/ arent what he says. IT DOES NOT MATTER what he thinks or what he says about you any more. You dont need to prove anything to him. It is just a technique to draw you in.

If he comes to your house you must tell him, before he starts, through the door (dont open it) that its over, he must leave or you will call the police. And then leave the front door and get so far away in your home that you cannot hear him - put on the TV/radio to block his voice, and ifg after 5 mins he has not gone, call the police.

Because if he can he will

promise anything - especially the thing that is your dream
get angry and threaten
cry and act pathetic and say yopu are the only one who can save him
telll you how awful you are and how he is going to tell everyone everything
say he cant live without you and that he is going to kill himself
say how much he loves you and what a mistake he made
etc,etc,etc

none is true. all of it ios to get that metaphoricaal foot in the door, and soon it will be back to the same.

Lmnop22 · 20/01/2026 15:15

theheckisgoingon28 · 20/01/2026 10:56

No , he wrote a whole essay on a large piece of paper . I didn’t put everything he said down but I answered everything on there . He asked why I was ignoring him , so I told him, then said i was ignoring him because I had been out all weekend shagging . Hate that word so sorry . Then wrote loads more then said if it’s over tell me il leave you alone . I did write a bit too much but I’m sick of him always turning things around to make everything everyone else’s fault .

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But why do you care what he thinks of you? Or whether he believes you slept around? Or whether he accepts your justifications?

Just leave it.

somethingischasingme · 20/01/2026 13:33

If he contacts you don’t reply. You don’t need to explain yourself to him. No matter what you say you can’t make him understand. If he contacts you with anything sexual or threats, call the police and do that every single time. If he follows you or waits outside your house, call the police. Look after yourself and your dog. Your ex boyfriend is an abusive drug, alcohol and porn addict. You cannot change him or make him better.

ZeldaFighter · 20/01/2026 13:11

@theheckisgoingon28

If you do what you've always done, you will get what you always get.

Time for a change. Put the bins out and him with them. Rubbish that's not a part of your life anymore. Don't give him a second thought.

Stay strong and focused on you and your goals. Why not go away on a day trip with the dog this weekend? Where could you go? Think about that instead.

sandyhappypeople · 20/01/2026 11:08

theheckisgoingon28 · 20/01/2026 10:56

No , he wrote a whole essay on a large piece of paper . I didn’t put everything he said down but I answered everything on there . He asked why I was ignoring him , so I told him, then said i was ignoring him because I had been out all weekend shagging . Hate that word so sorry . Then wrote loads more then said if it’s over tell me il leave you alone . I did write a bit too much but I’m sick of him always turning things around to make everything everyone else’s fault .

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Can you not see that him asking you questions and you answering everything so thoroughly.. he is still controlling you and you are still ALLOWING yourself to be controlled.. he wants you to interact with him, as he knows from experience that is his way back in and you have dutifully complied, he's thrown (completely baseless) accusations at you and you have fallen over yourself to justify and explain yourself, when actually you should be furious at the implication and refuse to engage.

You could and SHOULD have just answered his last statement. It's over.

If you needed to elaborate you could have said, "you don't bring anything positive to my life, it's over"

That is why you are spinning now, because unconsciously, by responding and justifying, you have started the same old dance of letting him back in, and now you're wondering 'what if', it's the next part of the dance, he'll fake being a decent person and you'll fall for it yet again, like a mug.

The only 'what if' you should be thinking about is what you life will be like without him in it.

SalmonOnFinnCrisp · 20/01/2026 11:03

theheckisgoingon28 · 20/01/2026 10:58

Also I know he won’t apologise. I got a feeling he knows this time i have had enough . Me changing my number has made him realise this and also the fact that yesterday is the first time I have ever done what he has done to me numerous times and thats ignore him and drive off .

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Who cares? He wont apologise - so what?

Your objective is to get him out of your life.

Youve told him so now no more contact initiated by you.

If he contacts you send nothing more than

"Hi Mark,
Again...To be really clear we are broken up. I dont want contact with you. Any further contact will be considered harassment and will be reported".

Separately,
Stay single and get some good therapy ....