Have I ruined everything

Hi me again , I forgot to put what I meant to say on the end of my reply to you . When I was mentioning about what happened when we went away , what really scared me about leaving him is he said that when you leave next time Im going to fuck off . He said i got the camper van now , hes going to get rid of his dog and get a better behaved one and go and never come back . Said he would go Scotland and work and the windmills or something like that . Said he doesn’t need me or anyone . And that scares me because obviously I don’t want him to go . And mainly because I’m scared he will meet someone else and they will be happy . And have the life that I always wanted for him and us . I tried my hardest to help him . Apparently all his friends say how much he’s changed and he flips out at me for apparently not seeing it . But to me change in complete change . Not still taking drugs and getting pissed a few times a month . But these friends who say this also are the ones still taking drugs with him and texting him to meet up to do drugs . Iv had an issue with everyone he bothered with even in work . Hated them all because I thought for so long it was them . Then I finally realised that it’s him . No one is forcing him to do drugs . Because it’s not just out of work it’s in work too . Hes lost his job because of drugs in the past so you think he would of learnt but he told me he used to smoke weed every day do coke in the week in his house on his own nearly all the time so now it’s not every day he thinks I should praise him for changing . But like I said to me its not change . I don’t do anything to hurt him and I never would . I know I can be horrible with what I say but it’s only because of how hurt I am . I think loads of times he deserves Someone better than me .

Hi Im so sorry but this might be a long read. I just want too say everything so you all can see mayne why I feel the way I do.
been with boyfriend close too 2 and a half years. Severe issues with sex. For a good id say close to a year. I hate porn. It’s the worst thing to exist online in my opinion and I class it as cheating. Said all this at the start. When we had sex it would go on for hours with no end . After the first time I remember him saying ‘ I hope you ain’t one of them girls who thinks it’s because of them’ i said no but I did feel that way. Months went by still the same apart from the odd occasion. Now when he finished I felt so relieved. Didnt hate myself or feel disgusted with myself thinking it was me. Just to find out that so me how he had put porn on his phone with out me knowing and was watching it when we were doing it . To say iv never been so sad woth every aspect of my self is an understatement.
he said it’s because he didn’t feel like a man . But he would then watch it as soon as I left for work . So still no finshing but would send me videos when I got to work of him wanking and then phoning me after saying how much of a good wank he had ect. Honestly to this day it’s give me severe anxiety. He had a porn addiction and wanking addiction . To this day he says he hasn’t watched it since but I have found stuff on his phone so I know hes lying but he will flip out and then I think it’s all in my head .
so now I have anxiety everytime I leave his house , everytime I go to work in the morning . It’s so pathetic . Iv never experienced anything like this in my life . This morning we started doing it and he couldn’t continue because his back was hurting him. Fair enough . I got up got dressed and went to leave when he grabbed my arm and said I will not be wanking when you go to work and said it a few times . I said ok and left . On the way to work he sent me a what’s app . I don’t use my phone when driving so I pull over open it and I see a video . Instantly my stomach turns because in this video he sent me he is not full on wanking but his Willy is hard and hes wanking it slowly. He wrote under neath dont worry I won’t be wanking .
now this has all messed my head up took me back to exactly how I felt for the first year. To me why would you send that video after oddly saying I won’t be wanking when I leave then putting that caption under a video of doing exactly what you said you wouldn’t do.
I think he could tell something was wrong because he text me ok about ten mins after it. I didn’t even watch the whole video just deleted it . Iv felt so sad and sick all morning in work. I did reply and say I deleted it and I don’t get why he would send me it after saying he woundnt do it ect and how it made me feel like I did for the first year.
i could tell this pissed him off he just replied ok sorry.
then had a go saying i said no wanking not a skin touch ? What the hell. Then lost his shit and at the end told to me go shag Some one else . I just want to know if I’m in the wrong because I will say sorry or I have reason to feel the way I am . I havnt heard off him since around 6 and I highly doubt i will until maybe tomorrow. Thankyou

It’s mad that you say this because there has been times where he has made me think he was going to kill himself . Then turned his phone off . Also have said it a few times . But a few months ago I left because of him doing cocaine again I could tell he had took something in work . Dont know what , coke , weed, alcohol . But he phoned me really aggressive . And I was trying to apologise for over an hour . He said to record what he says and that if he finds out that I talk to another man , give another man any of my time , that he would find me and slit my throat , actually torture me first . He said that he would do it when I was in a local shop . And he said the same this weekend when he was drunk too

Sorry to say it is true i really wish I wasn’t . At the start i used to think I deserved it but it’s got to the point now where I don’t think I do and I just can’t cope anymore

I do think it’s all me now . I just phoned him and he was shouting saying hes done nothing wrong he didn’t wank just done it for a video to show me then stopped . Said he didn’t know I didn’t like it even tho I have told him before but he denies even remembering I ever said that. Said it’s just what couples do and hes done nothing wrong . He said he is fuming about the way I text him this morning but I didn’t say anything bad just what I put on here and also to stop lying too me . I said thats all you do . Iv just come to my car now I can’t stop shaking and crying . I know it’s me . I said to him iv done nothing wrong and he said here you go again always poor me

Sorry to say it is true i really wish I wasn’t . At the start i used to think I deserved it but it’s got to the point now where I don’t think I do and I just can’t cope anymore

He sounds absolutely vile and you need to end it with him. He is emotionally abusing you and gas lighting you. You haven't ruined anything but he is ruining you, your self worth and happiness.