Have I ruined everything

theheckisgoingon28 · 2026-01-08T10:32:07+00:00

Hi Im so sorry but this might be a long read. I just want too say everything so you all can see mayne why I feel the way I do. been with boyfriend close too 2 and a half years. Severe issues with sex. For a good id say close to a year. I hate porn. It’s the worst thing to exist online in my opinion and I class it as cheating. Said all this at the start. When we had sex it would go on for hours with no end . After the first time I remember him saying ‘ I hope you ain’t one of them girls who thinks it’s because of them’ i said no but I did feel that way. Months went by still the same apart from the odd occasion. Now when he finished I felt so relieved. Didnt hate myself or feel disgusted with myself thinking it was me. Just to find out that so me how he had put porn on his phone with out me knowing and was watching it when we were doing it . To say iv never been so sad woth every aspect of my self is an understatement. he said it’s because he didn’t feel like a man . But he would then watch it as soon as I left for work . So still no finshing but would send me videos when I got to work of him wanking and then phoning me after saying how much of a good wank he had ect. Honestly to this day it’s give me severe anxiety. He had a porn addiction and wanking addiction . To this day he says he hasn’t watched it since but I have found stuff on his phone so I know hes lying but he will flip out and then I think it’s all in my head . so now I have anxiety everytime I leave his house , everytime I go to work in the morning . It’s so pathetic . Iv never experienced anything like this in my life . This morning we started doing it and he couldn’t continue because his back was hurting him. Fair enough . I got up got dressed and went to leave when he grabbed my arm and said I will not be wanking when you go to work and said it a few times . I said ok and left . On the way to work he sent me a what’s app . I don’t use my phone when driving so I pull over open it and I see a video . Instantly my stomach turns because in this video he sent me he is not full on wanking but his Willy is hard and hes wanking it slowly. He wrote under neath dont worry I won’t be wanking . now this has all messed my head up took me back to exactly how I felt for the first year. To me why would you send that video after oddly saying I won’t be wanking when I leave then putting that caption under a video of doing exactly what you said you wouldn’t do. I think he could tell something was wrong because he text me ok about ten mins after it. I didn’t even watch the whole video just deleted it . Iv felt so sad and sick all morning in work. I did reply and say I deleted it and I don’t get why he would send me it after saying he woundnt do it ect and how it made me feel like I did for the first year. i could tell this pissed him off he just replied ok sorry. then had a go saying i said no wanking not a skin touch ? What the hell. Then lost his shit and at the end told to me go shag Some one else . I just want to know if I’m in the wrong because I will say sorry or I have reason to feel the way I am . I havnt heard off him since around 6 and I highly doubt i will until maybe tomorrow. Thankyou

Dreamlava · 31/01/2026 17:01

Have you stayed strong?

FrostyPalms · 27/01/2026 15:02

SALaw · 27/01/2026 07:44

What would you have done if it was a 2 page apology?

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I think we all know the answer to that...

SALaw · 27/01/2026 07:44

theheckisgoingon28 · 26/01/2026 07:20

Hi sorry I havnt been on here this weekend . Iv took time off my phone . I came home from work Friday to a letter posted through my door . It took me a while to open it because i had severe anxiety thinking what would be in it but deep down I knew even tho I hoped so much it would be an apology . It was a tiny bit but as usual je then turns it around on me and said it was wrong he carried on drinking and he feels sorry for that but it was my fault for having a go so that’s why he done it and also had a go at me blocking him ect it was a two page letter mostly full of blame on my side .

What would you have done if it was a 2 page apology?

ZeldaFighter · 26/01/2026 17:18

theheckisgoingon28 · 26/01/2026 07:20

Hi sorry I havnt been on here this weekend . Iv took time off my phone . I came home from work Friday to a letter posted through my door . It took me a while to open it because i had severe anxiety thinking what would be in it but deep down I knew even tho I hoped so much it would be an apology . It was a tiny bit but as usual je then turns it around on me and said it was wrong he carried on drinking and he feels sorry for that but it was my fault for having a go so that’s why he done it and also had a go at me blocking him ect it was a two page letter mostly full of blame on my side .

Laugh at his letter. It is all it deserves - to be laughed at. Your druggie loser ex says it's all your fault. Ridiculous!

He is telling you who he is. Even now, at the very end, he cannot be responsible for his own life and decisions. And who cares? If you're the bad guy for not supporting him in his drink and drugs, then so be it.

Keep going. Keep leaving him behind you. Keep living the life you want, not the miserable existence he offers you.

NettleTea · 26/01/2026 12:03

OK, so you probably should have just put the letter in the bin or burned it, but as you are still entangled you likely secretly hoped that the FALSE apology and lies would be in there ansd you would have gone back.

At least now you knopw he wont change and everything, in his eyes, is all your fault.

Please go online now and start putting your energy into working through the freedom programme.

Burn any letters that come. He is not your friend. he can never be the partner you want, but until you value yourself, and the freedom programme will help you do that, he represents all of the kinds of relationships that you will be drawn to because you cannot differentiate between lies and action.

£14 is all it costs. £14 to be free of these bloodsuckers.£14 for your self worth.

Commit to it. Maybe do it with your daughter, so you are accountable to each other

But invest in yourself and get out of this self perpetuating self harming spiral.

https://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/online.php

disturbia · 26/01/2026 09:24

He isn't going to change but YOU can change your response to him so burn the letter outside or shred it up and do the same for the next one without opening it. You are making progress.

Lifealittleboulder · 26/01/2026 07:47

He’s sexually abusing you - please
leave him go somewhere safe and get some counselling xxx

gamerchick · 26/01/2026 07:39

Now you know that he won't change OP and hopefully now he's "had his say', he'll leave you alone now.

Original poster

theheckisgoingon28 · 26/01/2026 07:20

Hi sorry I havnt been on here this weekend . Iv took time off my phone . I came home from work Friday to a letter posted through my door . It took me a while to open it because i had severe anxiety thinking what would be in it but deep down I knew even tho I hoped so much it would be an apology . It was a tiny bit but as usual je then turns it around on me and said it was wrong he carried on drinking and he feels sorry for that but it was my fault for having a go so that’s why he done it and also had a go at me blocking him ect it was a two page letter mostly full of blame on my side .

OP posts:

ZeldaFighter · 25/01/2026 11:01

theheckisgoingon28 · 22/01/2026 10:24

Thankyou so much . I just feel so awful right now . I do think me sleeping so much is to do with the way Im feeling also maybe because for the entire time I was with him I’d never have much time to relax because of the stupid time I get up for work . 4 am then seeing too and walking my dog for hours a day added up and constantly going to his and mine for my dog , then he would hardly sleep in the night be waking up all the time and sometimes be wide awake from 3-4 which would wake me up and when im
up I can’t go back too sleep . But then we woundnt be going to sleep until gone 12 . He had no routine what so ever . Iv always had routine ajd need it in my life or I feel totally out of control with myself and life .

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Hey OP, hope you're doing ok. X

Scared0112 · 23/01/2026 18:16

Sounds like you need to move away- did you grow up here too? Theres a big wide world full of much nicer people to surround yourself with.

HeadDeskHeadDesk · 23/01/2026 09:33

After that long pot about his friend and the mad girlfriend, all I can say YET AGAIN is why do you care so much about pleasing and appeasing such a vile bunch of violent, druggie, drunkard, criminal losers? Absolutely everyone you choose to surround yourself with sounds absolutely fucking awful. The more people you mention, the worse it all gets. You need some urgent counselling to get to the bottom of why you continue to surround yourself with these people when you say you hate their lifestyle so much. You are doing this to yourself. Your worst enemy right now isn't him, it's you.

I don't know whether it's a viable option but I strongly recommend that you move house and relocate to a completely new area. Start afresh around different sorts of people. Cut ties with everyone who is associated with your partner and avoid absolutely everybody like him and his type at all costs.

Icecreamisthebest · 22/01/2026 21:33

Op change is hard. Remember that. So even though you know you are doing the right thing by ending this toxic dumpster of a relationship and going no contact, it will be hard. Over time it will get easier though if you persist.

So when you have the days when you feel lost and he sends you notes or drives past or whatever, persist. Stay broken up and stay no contact. It will get easier if you just keep going.

Its almost the weekend. On the weekend can you find time to sit down and make a list of things that might help you through this period. If you look up ways to work on your mental health and self esteem there will be a bunch of things. Walking the dog is a fantastic start. Saying daily affirmations, a gratitude journal, therapy, yoga, catching up with friends, haven touching, are all wonderful. Reach out to the Samaritans for a chat if you need. But keep going.

Lennonjingles · 22/01/2026 11:06

Do you think your DD will want to move away, I take it she’s still not back from holiday yet. Your dog will love you wherever you are, think of this time as making his life as good as you can and focus on this while you get over your nasty ex. You need to stop thinking about the past, it’s not going to get you anywhere.

Original poster

theheckisgoingon28 · 22/01/2026 10:24

ZeldaFighter · 22/01/2026 08:45

@theheckisgoingon28 it's sad that your friendship has ended but she tried to attack you and allowed her boyfriend to attack you. She is not your friend anymore and you need to stay away from her in case she tries to hurt you again. She is not your friend. Leave her behind too and focus on a future with better friends.

Sleeping more than usual can be a sign of depression. Or the difficult feelings are from coming out of 2 years of domestic abuse. Could you speak to your GP about how you're feeling? They might be able to help. They might also be able to refer you for therapy or domestic violence support.

You're not being a bad owner to your dog but you are being a bad owner to yourself. If your dog was struggling with something, you would help him and take him to the vet. Give yourself the same help and love. Be kind to yourself. You've showed enormous courage in breaking free - try to find someone to support you irl. Keep going!

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Thankyou so much . I just feel so awful right now . I do think me sleeping so much is to do with the way Im feeling also maybe because for the entire time I was with him I’d never have much time to relax because of the stupid time I get up for work . 4 am then seeing too and walking my dog for hours a day added up and constantly going to his and mine for my dog , then he would hardly sleep in the night be waking up all the time and sometimes be wide awake from 3-4 which would wake me up and when im
up I can’t go back too sleep . But then we woundnt be going to sleep until gone 12 . He had no routine what so ever . Iv always had routine ajd need it in my life or I feel totally out of control with myself and life .

OP posts:

Skyflyinghigh · 22/01/2026 10:22

Said kindly OP these people are drug addicts. They have no moral code and would sell their granny for a fix. Stop expecting him to act like a normal human being or try and find excuses for him. He’s drug addled and will always put drugs and his druggy friends above you. I think you are a bit addicted to all the drama he brings. In a weak moment remember the wanking videos and how he made you feel. Then take a deep breath and walk that lovely dog of yours

HarvestMouseandGoldenCups · 22/01/2026 10:21

The dog will be fine. He’s much more likely to be sensitive and anxious because he can tell YOU are so anxious.

Original poster

theheckisgoingon28 · 22/01/2026 10:18

Lmnop22 · 22/01/2026 09:14

I would move away from this awful area surrounded by awful drug addicted, violent and unpredictable people and just get a fresh start. Doesn’t have to be far away but the fact you care what your ex, his coke head ex best friend and crack abusing girlfriend are saying about the reasons you left him goes to show how intertwined you are with these horrible people.

Make new friends and maintain high standards so they’re like you and don’t do drugs, hold down a job, don’t lie and deal drugs and commit crimes and attack people on nights out because they’re off their faces. You are caring a whole lot about people who aren’t worth caring about!

Hi so this is what I have been doing a few times this week . Looking for jobs and houses far away from where I live now . Only thing I worry about is how my dog will take it . He’s extremely sensitive and anxious always has been since the day we had him . Hates anywhere apart from his house . Even when I take him away he struggles to settle but obviously loves the days out.
it will just be me and him going and I worry how I would be when I would be in work all day on his own . Plus he is never on his own because my daughter works from home. But I know he will settle after a few months so I just have to go for it . As for the kind of people he bothers with . I have never ever met up with them . Never wanted too . They are not the kind of people I would want in my life ( crazy considering ex is the same) and also they have invited us out for food ect a few times and ex has said no because I wouldn’t like them because they do coke when out. He used to go mad on me when I would say I didn’t want to know them because of drugs . Said I was stuck up and judgy.

OP posts:

sandyhappypeople · 22/01/2026 10:17

theheckisgoingon28 · 22/01/2026 10:09

Hi my dog was still getting everything I still give him now . Still 3 walks a day , car rides . Trips too McDonald’s . He loves his plain cheese burgers ha ha . We have cut back a lot on them tho 😊. I never ever would leave my boy. That’s what bothered me the most is the constant going up and down 4 times a day . I have realised that I was the one making all the effort and if I stopped I would have never of seen him.

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I never ever would leave my boy.

You were leaving him though, with your daughter at home, you've said it quite a few times, you were staying over at his and then leaving straight for work in the morning.. spending the evenings there (presumably after work) two years this has been going on.

I lived just me and my dog for a while, before I met DH, that dog was with me through the best of times and the worst of times, loyal to a fault, and at no time would I even consider leaving him behind to prioritise a boyfriend.

All your dog wants is you, don't let him down.

Original poster

theheckisgoingon28 · 22/01/2026 10:13

sandyhappypeople · 22/01/2026 09:30

The only thing you really had in common with the friend is that you both had/have druggy loser boyfriends. That all happened 3 months ago and the latest incident was on boxing day, your ex will already know all about it, so it is irrelevant to what is happening now.

It doesn't matter is your ex was abusive on purpose or because he is just a natural scumbag.. the end result is the same, he knew what he was doing was upsetting you but carried on regardless, you are well out of ALL of it.

Your dog loves you unconditionally, and he will be there by your side no matter what, through thick and thin. What do you think he was doing while you were spending all your time with your scuzzy boyfriend, he certainly wasn't going on long walks, car rides and having your company to comfort him was it? He was being palmed off on someone else and you are still putting your boyfriend before him by moping around all day ignoring him.. so put him first for a change, get dressed and go for a long walk somewhere, then at least if you want to come home and sleep he has had his needs met too.

Sorry but I’m back about my dog . If you knew me in real life you would know what he means too me . Even now I don’t mop around before seeing to him . I still come home from work every morning even tho I don’t have too to walk and see him , soon as I finsh walk him again then when I wake up because I have been sleeping a lot walk him again. He goes to different beaches most weekends too . But I do regret leaving him to go up his house . That is what caused a huge amount of anxiety for me . I was always worrying about my dog . Sorry iv I am coming across as defensive but I do get like this when I know it’s completely wrong

OP posts:

Original poster

theheckisgoingon28 · 22/01/2026 10:09

sandyhappypeople · 22/01/2026 09:30

The only thing you really had in common with the friend is that you both had/have druggy loser boyfriends. That all happened 3 months ago and the latest incident was on boxing day, your ex will already know all about it, so it is irrelevant to what is happening now.

It doesn't matter is your ex was abusive on purpose or because he is just a natural scumbag.. the end result is the same, he knew what he was doing was upsetting you but carried on regardless, you are well out of ALL of it.

Your dog loves you unconditionally, and he will be there by your side no matter what, through thick and thin. What do you think he was doing while you were spending all your time with your scuzzy boyfriend, he certainly wasn't going on long walks, car rides and having your company to comfort him was it? He was being palmed off on someone else and you are still putting your boyfriend before him by moping around all day ignoring him.. so put him first for a change, get dressed and go for a long walk somewhere, then at least if you want to come home and sleep he has had his needs met too.

Hi my dog was still getting everything I still give him now . Still 3 walks a day , car rides . Trips too McDonald’s . He loves his plain cheese burgers ha ha . We have cut back a lot on them tho 😊. I never ever would leave my boy. That’s what bothered me the most is the constant going up and down 4 times a day . I have realised that I was the one making all the effort and if I stopped I would have never of seen him.

OP posts:

CantThinkofaNam · 22/01/2026 09:52

Aplstrudl · 22/01/2026 08:48

Omg…. Seriously. Your dd will be aware of all this shit going on so don’t tell yourself she isnt. It’s a very bad example to her as you’re letting this idiot walk all over you. Cut the ties once and for all and ignore him and if it persists, report harassment to the police.

Exactly! So delusional that you think you are fine around her when your posts are completely opposite. Children aren’t dumb- as much as people who put them in these situations think.
Seriously what are you doing? These are druggies, bad people, unstable people and you are involved with these types? Call and log this with the police if you think he’s going to do something. Move areas. You can remove this mess from your life… if you choose to. Your child has also seen people come and go in your life, you need to set a better example for her given she’s a girl too. I would just stay away from men and relationships for a very, very long time until you can figure out why someone like him took you so long to see the red, blinding and waving flags.

sandyhappypeople · 22/01/2026 09:30

The only thing you really had in common with the friend is that you both had/have druggy loser boyfriends. That all happened 3 months ago and the latest incident was on boxing day, your ex will already know all about it, so it is irrelevant to what is happening now.

It doesn't matter is your ex was abusive on purpose or because he is just a natural scumbag.. the end result is the same, he knew what he was doing was upsetting you but carried on regardless, you are well out of ALL of it.

Your dog loves you unconditionally, and he will be there by your side no matter what, through thick and thin. What do you think he was doing while you were spending all your time with your scuzzy boyfriend, he certainly wasn't going on long walks, car rides and having your company to comfort him was it? He was being palmed off on someone else and you are still putting your boyfriend before him by moping around all day ignoring him.. so put him first for a change, get dressed and go for a long walk somewhere, then at least if you want to come home and sleep he has had his needs met too.

Lmnop22 · 22/01/2026 09:14

I would move away from this awful area surrounded by awful drug addicted, violent and unpredictable people and just get a fresh start. Doesn’t have to be far away but the fact you care what your ex, his coke head ex best friend and crack abusing girlfriend are saying about the reasons you left him goes to show how intertwined you are with these horrible people.

Make new friends and maintain high standards so they’re like you and don’t do drugs, hold down a job, don’t lie and deal drugs and commit crimes and attack people on nights out because they’re off their faces. You are caring a whole lot about people who aren’t worth caring about!

wrongthinker · 22/01/2026 09:00

All these people you're talking about are mentally ill drug addicts. Including your ex. Why do you care what they think or say about you? It will be some kind of bullshit but so what? Why do you want ANY part of this world?

You realise that the people who are in this world of drugs and violence have very small, very limited, nasty and impoverished lives. Why on earth would you CHOOSE to put yourself among these people? You have a job, a family, a lovely dog. Can you really not see that you do not belong with these addicts and losers?

Get some help, OP. Counselling or therapy or a support group. Start to figure out why you have put yourself in such risky and horrible situations for so many years, so that you start to care for yourself better. You do not have to stay trapped in this person's world a second longer. Choose to do something different today. Take your dog for a long walk. Breathe deeply and say, "I'm free." Stand on a hill and yell, "I'M FREE!" Because you are. Appreciate it.