No food for Grandparents

My mum (and her dog) used to fly in for her winter "holiday" with us - we had central heating. As far as I remember we paid for the flights. We always cooked for her and sometimes she babysat for us if we went out to dinner. Sometimes when we went overseas she stayed with the children - well actually with a live-in nanny to do the donkey work - I left the freezer crammed with a variety of casseroles and pre-prepared food like homemade Chicken Kievs and with the cupboards fully stocked. She and the nanny just had to defrost something. I left ample spending money to take the children out to activities or lunch or whatever. I think your daughter and son-in-law sound unbelievably cheap and crass.

Sounds as though you tolerate a lot of abusive behaviour. You may be doing it so you don’t get cut off from your grandkids. What about the effect they have on your grandkids?

Oops Gran.

I think you have been taken for a mug and I would stop looking after the Grand Children and suffer the consequences of not seeing them. Sod her hair trigger temper let them look after their own kids and don't bend.
I know you love your Grand Children but this is a joke.

I’m going away tomorrow with my husband. Parents are coming to dog sit and teenager sit. I’ve woken up early to write a list of all the food I can get in for them as I’m so grateful they are helping me out. Tomorrow night I’ll buy them all a take out. Saturday, they’ll have some M&S bits and Sunday I have something in the freezer for them. I also pay for their petrol. They refuse but I send it anyway. I’m just so happy they can help.

I think the least your family could do is provide food for you when you're at their house. Presumably they do cook, they could make a lasagne for you to reheat and have with salad. They could fill the fridge with odds and ends and tell you to help yourself, make sandwiches or whatever. Soup and rolls, fruit. That, I would say, is quite normal when people look after your children in your home. Even a casual babysitter has that.

The Christmas present is OK if not very imaginative but, apart from that, it wouldn't hurt for them to treat you sometimes as a way of thanking you. Little things mean a lot.

My suggestion to you is to be less available. If they have to go elsewhere for baby sitters they will be paying an hourly rate. It might make them appreciate how much you do for them. Parents generally will freely help their children but don't like to be taken advantage of, these are taking the piss.

Sorry I know this is your DD but wtf. I would have checked what my parents wanted and kept the fridge stocked for them. So ungrateful.

Umm NO. Get real.

They are absolutely taking the piss. I understand from reading your post and first comment under that, that they have a history of blocking both you and the other grandparents but the truth is they are incredibly selfish and entitled. It’s also worth remembering that they need you now, more than you need them and the longer this goes on the more shabbily they will treat you if and when they are put out be it over this or something else. Giving you a voucher that just about covers a dinner at Christmas, nothing extra is nothing short of insulting seeing as number one you’re the grandparents, number two clearly neither of you drink to excess because if you did they’d hardly have you minding three young kids?? And given the fact that you get paid nothing it’s barely a token gesture.

It sounds as though they can afford childcare but they choose not to spend money on it hence having the money for golf and going out regularly. It is also pure laziness that they can’t be arsed to cook the kids dinner first and have it ready to heat up or serve for you, it’s the least they could do! I suspect they know damn well that they wouldn’t get away with all this with a paid babysitter, which is another bonus to having you there to perform what is essentially slave labour.

Ask yourself why do you put up with this? If it’s about seeing the grandchildren and spending quality time that should be an option in your own time, not just when it suits them. They are taking advantage of you both and also pushing you to your limits, seeing as you should be enjoying your retirement as you see fit.

I would spend a bit of time deciding what to say to them, maybe look among similar threads which appear below this one for ideas. Then give them 1 month’s notice, with a specified end date as the last day the current arrangement will take place. Refuse to budge on when it will end as you’ll never escape this situation otherwise.

As someone who lost one parent to suicide and has cared for the other singlehandedly for almost a decade now, many of us wish we had our parents fit, alive and well enough to spend time with -not to use for what we can get out of them. Best wishes and feel free to post again any time 🌺

I would be making sure that GC know that you will be always there for them if things got too bad

I dont think they can stop you seeing the gc as I think you are in their lives so much that it would come under grandparents rightd
I wonder what would happen if they stopped you baby sitting. Would they find it too expensive to do anything

Go travelling. You only have one life. Go live it instead of being taken advantage of.

What do you mean lots of money ? Do you actually give them money ?

Well they both sound deeply unpleasant.

I'd withdraw most or indeed all childcare help and financial help - and look at your wills and only leave to DGC if it can be left in trust until they're old enough to have it themselves with no chance of their parents nabbing it!

That does likely mean they'll cut you off though... guess it depends on how desperate they are for the tiny bit of baby sitting you might still be willing to do. If their relationship with the children is abusive I would consider sticking around until at least one of the kids is old enough to be able to contact you without involving parents, so they have an escape route if necessary.

That's not right at all,OP. When I babysit for DD and DSIL they cook an evening meal which I sit down and have with them and DGC before they get ready to go out for the evening .They always leave me a bottle of something nice and instructions to dig into the fridge/snack cupboard whenever I want.They pick me up and take me back home too.

Start now to restructure your lives.Retirement has brought a golden opportunity to change things.Embrace it.

Pretty rude. I can’t imagine not providing food for my parents if babysitting at my house. They are very cheeky. Crack on with your travel plans.

It's not normal.

Food (and wine) should be included

This is so sad. You sound like lovely caring grandparents.

I agree that you should pull back and be less available. Have "appointments". Looking after your health is important. It could be a New Year's resolution. Look at exercise classes aimed at retirees. And plan trips away.

I would also consider reviewing your Wills and looking at either passing over your DD and leaving money to the DGCs or at a trust type situation for your DD. One day she might wake up and be ready to escape. It would be good for her to have the financial means to do so.

Stop babysitting for these cheeky fuckers.

What was your DD like before being with this partner?

That’s awful OP. I’d just stop with the babysitting tbh and travel and your own plans are a good reason to step away

You want feedback on being almost full-time baby sitters..I've always offered my parents foods or drinks if the 4 youngest go stay over night every few weeks, they never take it or will give just as much back lol, if they come to ours everyone can just help themselves but find it bizarre your not having fun you can love the grandchildren without being there sitters.

We have a complicated relationship with our son, he has 3 children now with 3 different partners but we put up with a lot because of our grandchildren. Very sad to admit as a parent that he’s not a nice person (to us) and if it weren’t for our grandchildren I wouldn’t maintain a relationship with him. Luckily we have a good relationship with his two exes and offer them support. We have been told many times over the years that “you will never see your grandchildren again” this lasts until he wants something, usually money, then we go along til something else displeases him. My DH and I are still of working age so we don’t do weekday childcare routinely but help out with emergencies and have our grandchildren over weekends and in school holidays.
.I used to live in fear of losing contact with my grandchildren but in order to protect my own mental health I have had to take a bit of a mental step back.
I can only advise you to limit the childcare to what you feel you want to do, fill your lives with other interests and don’t be so readily available. You may not want to hear this but you have to be prepared that at times you might be blocked from seeing your grandchildren but that your DD and DSIL will come crawling back when the alternative childcare costs them too much.

Agreed

@Rustynailsit They are CFs. You are subsidising their lifestyle but instead of being grateful they are doubling down and using emotional blackmail.

That said, in your shoes I would also be worried about my daughter, it sounds like he is controlling her too. I would think twice about allowing myself to be cut off not only because you'd miss the DGCs but also for fear of isolating your DD

It is a tough one