No food for Grandparents

Unfortunately you’ve rather trapped yourselves. By providing so much childcare they now expect it so you can’t step back without them taking umbrage.

When you started babysitting and the terms were clear you should have backed off then and reset the relationship not to involve it.

Now you either carry on on slave terms or you stop risk losing contact with your gc.

The best outcome would be for you to blame health and travel for stepping back to a reduced schedule and hope that their reliance on free childcare means they can’t afford to alienate you. The alternative for them will be a fortune on childcare.

This is horrendous. I always left my dear Dad food when he helped me out. I never assumed his help was guaranteed.

Your relationship with them sounds difficult, precarious.

If this is the best way to see the grandchildren, maybe you continue with it

If you feel it is no longer tenable, maybe you find a weak excuse

Are there no ingredients to cook, bread, cheese etc to make a sandwich? If not that’s really bad but I would not necessarily get in biscuits or junk food for visitors. When my dc were young and my parents babysat (very rare) I either cooked food or it was in the fridge

I would go on a months cruise or something to that degree, let them have a month to sort out their own childcare see if that makes them reliese how much they depend on you. Christ my mum had my son for a afternoon and kept saying she would be fine, i brought in her tea bags, biscuits, crisps that I know she eats all for a afternoon. Your DD & her husband are being cruel.

This isn’t normal. I look after my nephews in school holidays and although I choose to take my own lunch (I batch cook so I always have something) my sister always has snacks etc available.

Also, any friends or family who visit my house know they can just wander into the kitchen and use whatever they like whenever they like - no-one ever takes the piss.

@Rustynailsit wow. This is about so much more than food. It's a form of blackmail, weaponising your grandchildren to get what they want from you. The lowest of the low IMHO.
OPs have made good suggestions about stepping away. You somehow need to take back control which might involve some short term unpleasantness but they need to need you more than you need them. I don't think they would need to put their hands in their pockets many times to change their tune.
They both sound vile tbh. I do feel for you.

They sound very stingy.

Do you think they would want to pay for childcare to replace you?

A relative comes and stays at mine to look after my dog when I go away.

I buy in food I know they like and they have free access to anything else in the cupboards that they want to eat or drink.

I wouldn't like to think they were hungry or uncomfortable while they were here.

That’s sad. I’m sorry OP.

We get zero family help. I always buy our babysitter a big bottle of Diet Coke (because she likes it and we don’t drink it) and whatever she wants from the supermarket just before she arrives (usually a pre made salad, lasagne, pizza), I also tell her to help herself to anything else (crisps, chocolate). I also add £10 for petrol as they’re not particularly local.

Good childcare is a godsend!! They are massively taking the piss!! Be less available and then hopefully they’ll be more appreciative.

No this is not normal at all. Your son in law’s behaviour is similar to my brother’s, who is a malignant narcissist. Charming to those who he needs to be (your daughter) but will switch to being absolutely vicious if anyone crosses him. Along with the meanness with money, thin skinned to criticism, shouting at the kids, controlling behaviour, and the psychological threats underlying the removal of your access to your grandchildren. My brother exploited my parents in terms of child support also and then was vile to them when they needed care (both ended up with dementia). I suggest reading up around this, and the way you approach it may well be different and if your son in law’s behaviour fits with those traits, you will need to think strategically not emotionally. Staying in your daughter and grandchildren’s lives needs to be your priority as they may need you at some point. But you need to also carefully put boundaries down or you will get completely ground down. Look after your wellbeing, and good luck x

I would step right back but without any confrontation, but legit reasons. ‘Oh I’m so sorry, we can’t do Tuesday, we’re on a health kick and have booked a salsa course for 3 months. Looking forward to seeing you all Monday week though.’
id keep my hand in on a much smaller basis, to keep an eye on the potential abuse, to have enough of a relationship with your dgc that they’d still come to you, and so that they don’t cut you off (1 is better than 0 for them).

enjoy your retirement op, not pandering to these cheeky fuckers, who sure as shit won’t give anything back regardless of how much you give

They really are! If it was so they could go to work and pay their bills ok, but ‘golf days?’ Sounds expensive. I’d start making food while there, beans on toast, cheese on toast , something simple along those lines.

Why are you giving them a lot of money @Rustynailsit ? What for and how much?

Adding voice to the chorus that if family members (or anyone) looks after our toddler, we provide food. Usually it’s something I cook (or home-cooked and defrosted), that can be eaten with her, sometimes it’s an oven pizza or takeaway bits from a local deli. I always check/warn first. Once a babysitter I didn’t know said she’d bring her own food, so that’s the only time I didn’t.

Sounds awful and jut in very bad grace - being rude about the biscuits, rather than saying oh of course we’ll make sure there are some just for you next time.

It might be worth a chat with the NSPCC about the way the children's father treats them.

Do they not have food in the house? If my parents had babysat, I'd have told them to help themselves to whatever they wanted. I'd have prepared something for everyone's dinner and made sure there was food in. Do they see you bringing your own food with you?

You can’t compare your situation. Ops family just take and give nothing , even leaving an empty pantry with no cooking supplies and not even leaving a measly biscuit when they are babysitting their kids .

This is your daughter. Why is she like this? Have you spoken to her about needing some food when you are there? Do you not have a close relationship? You are talking about her in a very detached manner. Just tell her, kindly how you feel? Why are things so strained between you?

My in laws used to babysit for BIL/SIL they would have to take tea/coffee/biscuits as they never had any in. Next time they went it would all be gone. My BIL had the cheek to ask them why they stopped leaving coffee: They’re not poor.

Wouldn't you at least leave enough food for your parents to sort themselves out from? And say to them to do so?

That’s not normal. If my parents look after my child of an evening, I will always leave dinner for them (may have to cook fresh pasta but the bulk of the meal will be done).

My parents do a lot for us. I mean they don’t need money but they raised us to be generous so we go out together and give time - we get the bill sometimes, they get the bill sometimes, it depends who gets to the waiter first. We host them sometimes. If they are at ours the kitchen is always well stocked and we try to remember to get in extras of things they like if we are organised enough. Sometimes they get us a takeaway, sometimes we order it and they pay if they get to the counter first, sometimes we get to the counter first, swings and roundabouts.
They are helping with childcare now but in a few years they will maybe need more help from us so again things work both ways, giving and receiving, that’s what family is for. You give what you can and time is most important, don’t keep count.