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Original poster

Advice please. How to approach a big conversation with my husband

41 replies

EmberR · 07/01/2026 22:33

I’m looking for some advice and suggestions please. My husband and I have had a difficult 12 months. We still love each other. No one has done anything so awful we want to walk away. But there’s some unsaid hurt, frustration and anger we haven’t addressed.

I want to initiate a proper honest conversation but I keep chickening out. When do you start it. How do I make it kind and open and not end in he said she said. I wrote a letter. Do I give him that first or read it out?

He doesn’t like to talk really and just tries to placate me and move on. But I have to say these things as it’s heavy on my heart.

Any advice please. Do I just launch into it? Do I fuel it with a few drinks (awful idea maybe). Do I try and make it light hearted. I find men are just so hard to talk to Thanks

OP posts:
HollyGolightly4 · 08/01/2026 06:22

99bottlesofkombucha · 08/01/2026 02:55

Have you managed this for really serious conversations?

Show quote history

Yes- infertility, marriage, parental illness, financial for example.

I don't think it would work for everything and both of us are very even tempered - I couldn't do it if there was any risk of a public scene!

coconutchocolatecream · 08/01/2026 03:07

I agree that going for a walk might make it easier, if you can find a place and time that's sufficiently private. I'm with him on the not wanting to have serious discussions in bed or right before sleeping—but if you need to talk, it has to happen some time.

99bottlesofkombucha · 08/01/2026 02:55

HollyGolightly4 · 08/01/2026 02:50

This will entirely depend on what the topic of your conversations are, but I find the pub an excellent place to talk (context is key - not a hugely busy one!) .

Me and my husband explicitly say if we want to discuss something and will use it openly, not to ambush, but it's less threatening and we're in public, so less chance of anger/tears and there feels like an end time so it won't be an endless loop.

You can't do it several drinks in either, it has to be straight away. If you are both adults, who don't have struggles, a sip of drink is generally not a problem - again it depends on you though.

For some people this may sound horrendous, but we're nearly 20 years in and our communication is excellent!

Have you managed this for really serious conversations?

HollyGolightly4 · 08/01/2026 02:50

This will entirely depend on what the topic of your conversations are, but I find the pub an excellent place to talk (context is key - not a hugely busy one!) .

Me and my husband explicitly say if we want to discuss something and will use it openly, not to ambush, but it's less threatening and we're in public, so less chance of anger/tears and there feels like an end time so it won't be an endless loop.

You can't do it several drinks in either, it has to be straight away. If you are both adults, who don't have struggles, a sip of drink is generally not a problem - again it depends on you though.

For some people this may sound horrendous, but we're nearly 20 years in and our communication is excellent!

ActiveTiger · 08/01/2026 02:37

I'm so glad I wasn't brought up with men like this, luckily got a dad and brothers I can talk about anything and now an amazing DH and we both will talk about everything from woman's problems-money ...surely that's part of good relationships you should be able to talk with zero problems or nervousness

Nevs · 07/01/2026 23:28

EmberR · 07/01/2026 22:51

I agree the walk and talk or not just talk facing each other is easier. Maybe that’s a good option. I try and talk to him at night time in bed as it’s dark and we can chat quietly. But he hates it as he says he can’t have conversations that stop him sleeping.

I feel I’m always tiptoeing around his needs to try and find the right time to approach things that matter. And it just builds up

But he hates it as he says he can’t have conversations that stop him sleeping.

Why do we just roll over and accept this as just men being men? You’re not asking for the world, it’s a conversation. Words are free ffs.

Part of being an adult and being married is accepting you have a responsibility to be communicative to another person. Why do they even bother getting married in the first place is they just want to sit in passive silence and tension? I guess they wouldn’t get 50% financial contributions to their home and their cooking/washing done for them if they were single 🙄these types of men get married for all the wrong reasons

Hello39 · 07/01/2026 23:03

You can go to counselling on your own, even if he won't go. I think it would be helpful tbh

anotheruser76326 · 07/01/2026 22:57

A technique from couples therapy, is tor you each to have an amount of time where you speak, and the other listens, and then you swap. Might that be a useful idea?

Original poster
EmberR · 07/01/2026 22:51

I agree the walk and talk or not just talk facing each other is easier. Maybe that’s a good option. I try and talk to him at night time in bed as it’s dark and we can chat quietly. But he hates it as he says he can’t have conversations that stop him sleeping.

I feel I’m always tiptoeing around his needs to try and find the right time to approach things that matter. And it just builds up

OP posts:
Didimum · 07/01/2026 22:46

Counselling. Both for guidance through these conversations and because you’ve gotten to a point in your relationship where you’re unable to communicate. AND because you’ve had a rough 12 months.

Couples start counselling way too late, often when too late for counselling to be effective to help. It’s seen as an either a failure or a saviour rather than a practical tool.

Failing that, try to go somewhere neutral off home ground.

CopeNorth · 07/01/2026 22:46

Sometimes I find doing something else, like being out for a walk, makes it easier to start. Less intense than sat facing each other. The other thing I notice I struggle with is talking in absolutes: “you never do x” “I always have to y” etc. stripping those absolute statements out makes me focus on what I’m actually trying to say rather than ending up in a rant

Original poster
EmberR · 07/01/2026 22:46

Thank you for the kind and useful advice. I don’t think the topics I want to raise will cause shouting. I just think they’re hard to hear and we might not be on the same page. My biggest fear is hearing him disagree with what I want in life. And then what…..

I did suggest counselling a while ago and he said no. He didn’t ferl comfortable. It’s weird because I’m normally a good confident communicator with friends and at work. Just with him I can’t get my words right

OP posts:
Flowersforyourchocolateprettyplease · 07/01/2026 22:42

As he doesn't like to talk, try and set a day/evening for it, so he's not caught unawares or exhausted from work.

Good luck, be honest with how you feel and keep it factual with no shouting.

If not successful, call time on it and schedule another time when you've both calmed down.

SkaneTos · 07/01/2026 22:42

No alcoholic drinks during the conversation (but you knew that).

Letter - maybe, maybe not? Something that has been written down can't be erased. But a letter can be a good way for you to gather your thoughts. Perhaps write a letter, and don't give it to him. Write it for yourself.

Perhaps just start the conversation - sometime when you are both calm.
Say what you want to say, and be prepared to listen to him, too.

Good luck! I wish you both all the best.

Catza · 07/01/2026 22:41

In the past, I gave a bit of a warning. I.e. "I would like to talk to you this week. When would be a good time". So we'd agree a date. I then kick off with "I want to have a positive conversation about our relationship to see how we can solve this/move forward together". We usually agree basic rules, for example neither of us can answer "I don't know" or "I'm not sure" when asked a question.
It's not comfortable the first time you do it. But it gets much easier from there.

buckeejit · 07/01/2026 22:35

I feel you - this is hard! Could you & would he commit to a few counselling sessions? So much easier with someone professional to direct the conversation.

otherwise you could write what you have to say & ask does he want to read it or you speak it & would he rather talk about it or have some time to process it & come back to discuss.

good luck - it’s hard but necessary 💐