Advice please. How to approach a big conversation with my husband

Those are big topics OP, did he agree in the end or did you have the final say on the move?

Is he unhappy where you are and is there an option to move back?

A fair way would have been to trial it first before making the move, or agree to give it a certain amount of time and if not working, move back.

If he's not answering on the baby, that's actually an answer in itself. Reluctantly having a baby is a recipe for disaster.

Had he said he didn't want one yet or ever?

If he feels he's a passenger in your life, that's obviously not good but he has to come up with solutions and at least engage.

Good luck.

Just say it. No alcohol. No trying to placate or make light of it. Don't make an outing of it, or think you have to be in a special place. Do it while you're both in the kitchen making a cuppa, or something normal. And he's not 'men', he's just your husband.

I explicitly said "WE agree rules". These are our rules for every serious conversation. Regardless of who initiated it. Not replying "I don't know" to a question is not an unreasonable rule by any stretch of imagination. It simply an invitation to the other person to think about the answer rather than dismiss the topic and sweep things under the carpet. It's about shared emotional load and working together to arrive at a solution.

My husband is shit for ‘talking’ and often just glazes over and hardly says anything which is so bloody frustrating. Like yours he thinks everything is ticking along fine, which then puts me on the back foot and makes it feel like it’s somehow my fault for needing to bring things up.

We’ve been together 21 years and it’s only in recent years we’ve found a way that works for us. I write everything down that I want to say, which means it comes across neutrally rather than too emotionally (since peri kicked in I cry a lot and that really doesn’t help). I usually send it via text - it’s never that long. I don’t send when he’s at work either. I also explain that I’d like to discuss whatever it is I’m bringing up at some point and for him to read, digest and then suggest a time for us to talk. This means I actually get input and a two way discussion instead me talking and him clamming up.

How did you manage to get married without being able to communicate with each other? Baffling.

Some really useful advice on here, I am reading along as your partner sounds a lot like mine, OP. Does he tend to cope by minimising and denying things? ‘Nothing to see here, there is no problem’? That might also explain why you’re feeling stuck and awkward when you are usually a good communicator.

I don't think it's fair to set rules of a conversation when one of you hasn't been given information of what they are expected to answer.

When one person iniates a conversation they always are the more prepared and informed

OP the issues might be not so big for him but they are for you. That's the next difficult conversation to have.
Let him know that it's taken a lot for you to speak about how you feel and it's not to be minimised. He needs to hear you.

I agree with not having big conversations at bedtime.
Personally I think it's the worst time to do it.__

Whenever I have something occupying my head and heart, I make myself start a conversation with my DP of 16 years because I can't have the conversation in my head over and over and that's what I will do (it's just how I am).
Just start talking.
"Darling, I need to get something off my chest/out of my head and it's important that you let me finish before you respond."

It's not easy but it's got to be done X good luck

Side by side conversations are Mich easier and less confrontational. When I needed to do this last year I got Mum over to babysit and told him we should go on a walk to clear the air. It was very helpful

See a counsellor if you aren’t sure how to approach it

@5128gap Good advice.

After 20-plus years, I’ve also become very easygoing about what DH wants to do as long as I don’t need to get too involved! He has a hobby that he’s passionate about, for example- I’ll go along sometimes, but most of time, I let him get on with it! He’s doing it this weekend, I’m doing my own thing!

I'd suggest if you try again, be very clear what you want to achieve from the conversation. If its just to be heard, if its a disclosure of something from him, or if you're seeking specific changes from him.
Then, head off with the purpose of the conversation so he understands where it's going.
After that, keep it short and focused on the aim. Resist allowing it to meander or to trying to pack too much in. Remember, he thinks everything is OK, so he's not going to love the experience, and if it goes on too long, he may switch off or become defensive.
Say what you need to say, then stop talking. Let your key message stand and not be lost in a lot of other words.

You don’t go straight in for the hard conversation.

you first talk to him about what healthy communication looks like in a relationship. Does he have any idea? Do you have any idea?

You’ve both reached this point because you don’t have healthy communication methods in place. There are some interesting guys on insta who try to model what healthy comms look like in a marriage and they present it for both partners with a slight emphasis on men. I can find out their names if you’re interested? I can’t remember off the top of my head.

only once you’ve both agreed what healthy comms look like do you even approach the hard conversation. It might be months before you’re ready.

i wonder if he placates you as he doesn’t want to address his part in this or take responsibility? He placates you to avoid difficult conversations which, if they played out in full, might mean he has to accept things or open up.

he is placating in order to avoid going as deep as you need the conversation to go?

I have said to DH that we need to discuss a few things without getting angry with each other. I also find that it’s important not to accuse or blame even if you disagree. Often a compromise can be found.

My biggest fear is hearing him disagree with what I want in life. And then what…..

I think it’s important to realize that splitting up isn’t always the solution. Years ago, I made a move that I didn’t really want to, because DH got a job offer that he wanted to take. I genuinely considered separating as I really liked where I lived, enjoyed my job, etc.

But I found that I could adapt, made new friends, got a new job, and have made the best of it. The move did wonders for DH’s career, which has ultimately helped our family. It wasn’t worth throwing away a good relationship just because I didn’t particularly want to move.

I think it’s also important to accept that some people aren’t good in certain areas and there’s no point trying to make them change. My DH isn’t good at proactive emotional support, he just doesn’t know what to say if I’m upset, he sits there and looks concerned. 😂 So I vent to my closest friends instead, as they say all the right things and make me feel better. DH doesn’t have a clue.

I used to write out everything I wanted to say in advance and during the difficult conversation I’d even refer back to what I’d written as an aide to make sure my points landed. I don’t need to do that anymore, I guess it’s practise. You have to be willing to bang on a bit and not shut your emotions down so they fully understand your point of view and the impact. It’s hard at first but ultimately it brings you closer (assuming he’s receptive).

Well done OP, 👏.
Try and bring up as much as you want to talk about at the next talk and have a conclusion to review things at a later date, say 6 months or agree to prompt each other if slipping.
Don't let it be endless talks that are never resolved.

If easier, write it down and give him to read and then set a date to talk it through.
Gives him time to reflect and hopefully you end up on the same page.

You've done well and good luck for the mext talk.

We usually say ‘I’ve got some things I’d like to talk about, when would be a good time this week?’ Completely understand the not wanting to talk at bedtime but it’s not ok to put it off altogether. Personally I’d choose time at a weekend rather than after work when everyone is tired. Agree with PP that walking and talking is a really good option.

I’d probably start the discussion with some sort of framework, so he knows the point of it and that it isn’t going to end with you announcing you’re leaving but that it is serious and you do have concerns. ‘Thank you for putting the time aside to talk. I’ve been feeling the need for a conversation for a while because there are things I want to get off my chest that need some resolution and I want us to go forward in a more positive way and not let resentment set in. I’ve been feeling a, b, c because of x,y,z’.

I’d also make sure you give him time to process and if needed suggest that you come back to anything he needs to think about more. ‘Ok let’s put a pin in that part for now but let’s come back next Saturday at lunchtime to talk about it again.’

I like talking while walking. Out on a walk, up a hill or along a river.

“just thinking about 2026…I’d like us to xxxxx more, what do you think? / how does it make you feel when XXXX / there were times when I felt xxxx and wanted to talk about that”

How's that helpful to OP?

I am a man and I am not very good at the communication thing either. I do the walk and talk thing, so can agree with that approach.

The other thing I've always tried to do is disconnect a behaviour from the person. You're great, but what you did made me feel.....

I am a processor too, so need time to think about a response. Quite often in these things, one party has been thinking about a topic for some while, whereas the other one hasn't, hence the need for processing time.

I also think that the initial response can often be changed once that processing has taken place. It can move from 'not in a million years' to 'having thought about it further, it may be possible'.

Can you summarize the points you want to make here, and what the best /worst outcome for you would be.