To not want dp to get tested to be a donor?

I thought it was the son, but I wouldn't blame the son whether it was him or his mother. It would be nice to build a relationship with him if possible, but it's a difficult time for everyone right now and sounds as if the son isn't in the right headspace. I don't think that should affect the father's decision to donate though. You bring a child into this world, you have responsibilities.

Yes, it's very easy to be moralistic about it when it's not your kidney and health on the line. It is not a small thing to take on.

What an extremely stupid thing to write.

I assume everyone here who’s said similar has made it clear they’ll be an organ donor after death, and has signed up to be considered for donations they can make whilst living including bone marrow?

I note it is also possible to be a living kidney donor for an unrelated person.

I presumed it was the mother who had told OP's husband that the boy didn't need a father. In other words, we need you medically but we don't want you to step up or be part of his life outside that.

I really wouldn't factor in the child's "rejection" of his father. He's a teenager on dialysis, which has dreadful effects on mental health, energy levels, clarity of thinking. His father brought him into the world, and that brings responsibility whether or not the child wants a relationship right now. With luck, assuming they are father and son, theyll build a relationship eventually

Why is it urgent? Is dialysis failing? Is he on peritoneal dialysis and trying to avoid haemodialysis?

Usually renal transplants aren’t an ‘emergency’ as the patient can survive with dialysis for decades. I assume the PPs melodramatically telling you this child will die have experience of an (unusual) emergency kidney transplant. Is there something that’s making this very urgent? Otherwise there’s time for both paternity testing and compatability testing and then there’s a process of assessment before living donation. It’s quite different to a deceased donor, where the urgency is due to the viability of the donated kidney.

This is a huge amount to process, I’d start with the paternity testing and go from there.

OP is not a monster for having concerns about it. One of the things DH has to weigh up is his responsibility to his current family. I'm not talking about a PP period, which other help arrangements can be made for. I'm talking about weighing up the risk of the surgery and losing a kidney himself. What if something happens to his other kidney? He no longer has a back up. What is something goes wrong with the surgery? My DH had a different surgery a few months ago and has had some serious complications that are ongoing and serious.

Of course most of us wouldn't think twice about donating to our own children. In this case, the OP's DH has been told the child doesn't need a father (donate and bye bye?). Blood doesn't mean he has a relationship with him.

If DH decided to donate, even if he was a match, he wouldn't be a monster either. He will have his reasons and no-one owes another parts of their body they aren't willing to give.

Of course it's relevant. You're claiming this man did nothing for his child growing up.
He grew up without his father and his father did nothing for him due to the choices of his mother.
Stop making excuses for shitty parents.

Irrespective of dp being 18 or 38 when he was born

yes you try to save his life

no your slight inconvenience isn’t more important than anothers life

I can’t believe what I’ve just read. Sounds like you have no heart at all

It is indeed similar to the recovery from a C-section, only without a baby to look after.

It’s not an ‘awful recovery’ worse than cancer. The donor doesn’t have to stay in hospital for much longer than the recipient. Most people are back at work within a few weeks.

I’ve done it. I talk daily to lots of other people who’ve done it. I’m extremely well
educated on the subject.

If your friend donated a long time ago it was most likely back when it was open surgery, sometimes involving the removal of a rib. It’s come a long way since then.

Your friend was unlucky - I wonder too if her operation was pre- laparoscopic? Recovery was more arduous then. One or two nights in hospital is standard, and your post did seem to suggest a long time in hospital. The rest is normally about regaining core muscle strength and getting through a bit of constipation while your leftover kidney grows and flexes.

It's not nothing - there are states which don't allow anonymous donation. Things can go wrong, even if that's rare. But it's something relatives do for each other, and parents do for children, knowing these small risks. It is something a father should be encouraged to do for a son, and there is lots of time for him and OP to work out a schedule. It won't be happening before her child is born or for months yet, and they'll be consulted on dates.

Not really your decision is it?

The point is that the OPs partner wants to do it, and op wants to stop him. Whether or not someone personally wants to donate a kidney themselves is irrelevant, nobody is telling OP she should donate a kidney herself, but that it's not up to her to stop her DP doing it. Whether he does a paternity test first or not he'll find out in the course of the testing whether he's the father anyway.

@PyongyangKipperbang a world where getting tested could save a child life.
Having to look after 2 children, is sonething that is done by mothers the world over, if the op really thinks her needs are more than that of a dying child I will say again, words fail me

Yes, as I've said upthread, I agree with this on reflection.

Importantly, the child presumably has other blood relatives on DH's side, if he's his son. They may want to be tested to donate. And if he's not his son, he'll have potential matches elsewhere (and a direct match will get you a faster transplant). So DNA testing to establish who his father is for sure should be a priority. I expect that his medical team advised his mother to contact his father.

https://www.donateakidney.co.uk/living-kidney-donation/post-donation-recovery/

Most patients recover within 6 weeks (about the same as a C section) but some need 12.

So....not really just a couple of nights in hospital.

Educate yourself.

So that would be waiting for 6 months to find out whether the child is his when they could just do a dna test now and find out in a couple of weeks. Given how much the paternity question is likely to impact the decision, surely it makes more sense to find out asap. And paternity really does matter, all posts on here demonising the OP have said things like "what if it was your child " or "i would donate in a heartbeat for my child", not a single one has said "I would donate to a child who is not mine and I've only met once".

He’ll most likely be in hospital one night, maybe two. And none of this is going to happen in the next few weeks, so it’s not going to affect him being able to help her when she gives birth.

Edited to add - my recipient was in hospital for much longer than I was when I donated.

Why do words fail you?

This type of donation is far worse on the donor than the recipient. He will be in hospital and recovering for far longer than the "son" would be. I have a friend who did this (before I knew her) and the recovery was awful for her. she says that it was the hardest thing she had to recover from and she has had cancer/chemo!

So that, at the same time as OP is due to give birth and has a toddler is just not doable. Forget him helping her, he will need her to help him, at the same time as recovering from/giving birth and getting used to being a mother of two.

On what planet does anyone think thats ok?!

Yes, that's probably the best order to do things in, I agree.

YABU. But it will take months to do the tests, it’s never quick. Lots of legal hoops to jump through including psychological assessments. He will also need to prove his relationship with him or there’s even more hurdles, eg family photos, birth certificate etc. all of it’s mandatory. But no you can’t stop him and he could save a teenagers life.

The majority of people who put themselves forward for donation are rejected for one reason or another. It’s much more likely that the mother has been deemed unacceptable by the transplant service than that she’s just going ‘No I don’t love my son enough to get tested.’

If he's the father, is he really going to tell his son he won't donate unless his mother is willing to?!

He can request what he likes, and probably the mother will explain why she doesn't qualify if that's it. I'd imagine she's already had that conversation with her son. But ultimately, you have no right to know about anyone else's donor application status.

This is crazy. It’s not even your body! And he wants to get tested! That’s pretty mean to try and interfere with that, it’s still his son (he hasn’t expressed paternity doubts himself).

And yes, the son pushed your DP away. If he doesn’t even bother to get tested, then the son and his mum were 100% right about him!