To not want dp to get tested to be a donor?

If this is real it all sounds a bit unethical.

A man is contacted out of the blue and advised that he has a child and is then put under pressure to sign away an organ with no paternity test, no discussion of risk/benefit/potential outcomes and zero counselling.

Seriously unwell child in hospital is introduced to random man who may or may not be his father in the context of needing to ask for a body part.

Child's medical information shared with potentially a complete stranger and his wife.

Pregnant wife told she's selfish and abhorrent for being concerned about above and for not offering up her husband to be incapacitated, potentially long term sick, unable to work and care for the family.

Judging by your update, it sounds like he is very likely to be the father. He was in a relationship with the mother and knew about the pregnancy at the time. I wouldn't do anything to try to influence him in any way. It has to be entirely his decision.

I agree but he does need a dna test to establish paternity.

Not necessarily. Being a match wouldn't make donating automatically the right thing to do. There can be good, non-medical reasons not to.

He is an adult can't he work out what to do himself, how many times have we seen ''get him to'' or ''he needs too'' or ''make him'' or variations on MN over the years

YABU, even if he never knew about him and even if the child doesn’t want a relationship, your DP is still his father. How would you feel if he decided not to get tested if one of your kids needed a kidney. It’s the right thing to do.

How do we know the mother hasn’t been tested? It says she can’t do it, not that she won’t? It’s likely she’s tested and isn’t suitable.

I think a mixture of hormones and shock are clouding your judgement here. Your DH needs to make his own decision, but if this is his son, I’d be surprised if he didn’t want to help. Personally, I would step back and let him make up his own mind without conflict. If he didn’t help and the boy passed away, your DP needs to be absolute in his own decision.

How did he get into the conversation about ‘not needing a Dad’!? What a bizarre thing for a child to say to an apparent stranger.

What a dreadful situation for the young lad to face and his Mother. She must be completely desperate to reach out now when she’s single parented for 13 years. I’d expect a child maintenance request soon tho.

This! Get DP to do a paternity test asap? Get it accelerated.

He has two different issues to address. The first is a paternity test. The second is whether he wants to be tested as a Donar. Has he even asked for a paternity test?

Daily we are told a woman's body so their choice whatever they do with it yet a man needs a woman to tell them what to do or not with their own body?

the double standard grows and grows

No, of course he MUST NOT be tested unless HE wants to do so. Hacking a kidney out of your body - as with absolutely any operation can, of course kill you. There are psychological and long term implications to removing a functional kidney. We have two for a reason.

Ignore the usual lying twats on this site who will tell you to nail a cross to your back and drag it up a hill or you're not being "nice" and you must bE kInD even if it means signing yourself up for an operation you do not want to remove one of your own organs for somebody you do not know.

Of course it's sad for the child, but we don't exist as harvesting meat sacks for other people's bodily needs.

Would I do it for my own children? Certainly. For anybody else? My husband, probably, and likely nobody else.

The vast majority would not, but some will lie about that to pretend they're better than me, you or anybody else who is honest about it.

And what I would do does not matter. Your husband has complete autonomy over his body.

So, I'm afraid it's not up to you, me, or the nitwits on this site. It's entirely up to him.

And if he says no that DOES NOT MAKE HIM A BAD PERSON. It's his body, his choice.

For the same good reasons, I would only donate to my own children. The good reasons I haven't shared involve my children, so any other family member is out of luck. My children are my first consideration and that is also why I wouldn't donate to anyone else other than them. At this point in time, I wouldn't donate to my husband either, especially importantly for the sake of my children. As much as I'd be willing otherwise, he's had some serious health complications that make it even more important that I, as their potential only surviving parent in the future, don't do anything to risk my health.

No, I’m not a living donor. I think it’s different for your own children, donation does have complications. I’d do it in a heartbeat for my own children, and for anyone else I’d have to care very much about them as I owe it to my own 3 young children to be the healthiest mum I can be, they will need me for close to decades still. A biological child would count, although of course a woman couldn’t be shocked by the existence of a biological child like a man could be.

As you say though, 'for no good reason.' He is the only one that decides what a good reason is. I don't think a postpartum wife alone is a good reason, since other arrangements for help can be made for that time. It's his choice and there is no right or wrong decision really, because I assume a decision not to donate is made for good reasons.

I can say with absolute confidence for 'very, very good reasons', since that's so important, that the only people I would consider donating a kidney to at this time are my own children. Anyone else, sister, parents, etc, are out of luck.

It’s not a random child though, and they’d be 100% confident of this (or proven wrong) through the testing process. So if he doesn’t, he isn’t the same man anymore. He’s a man who wouldn’t get tested to see if he was a match for a kidney to save his own biological child.

Well he clearly wants to donate. He shouldn’t not because his partner doesn’t want him too. In my opinion it is morally wrong to not donate to a biological child for no good reason, and if I did that, i’d expect to be judged.

I can't imagine not doing it for my own child. Good on you for being a registered organ donor. Is that a living donor, so you'd happily give me your kidney if we matched and I needed it? If you feel you can do that, that's great. I don't feel I can and have very good reasons to not be a living donor too, actually for very unselfish reasons. I don't feel guilty and would feel guilty if I did become a living kidney donor for those same reasons.

It's not a moral imperative for OP's DH, or anyone, to donate a kidney. If he refuses for his own reasons, it's a decision he has the right to make for his own good reasons. It's selfish to make someone feel guilty.

It’s not a small thing but it is a thing that I cannot imagine knowing someone who would not do it for their child. I do know a couple of people who have donated a kidney to their child and they have only ever expressed being so grateful they were a match and could.
Im a registered organ donor and frankly I judge pretty much anyone who isn’t.

Surely you’re not ok that your DP doesn’t go ahead because you’re not supportive and then this child dies. Sorry but you’re going to have to suck it up, of course he should get tested. I’d be telling him he must do this. It’s a very selfish standpoint you have right now.

If mum hasn’t been tested, must be a reason. I’m sure she wouldn’t sit back and do nothing and just reach out to your ex. Understand why you’re worried but you need to give your head a wobble. This child could die. You’ll be a mother soon, how would that make you feel? He must do all he can, no matter how inconvenient for you.

All of that is completely irrelevant.

His son needs a transplant so he must be tested to see if he can be a donor. There's no other option, it's a no brainer.

To be fair, it's OP who gives that impression with her claim that the transplant must happen straight away (which is impossible) and will therefore clash with the arrival of her new child.

If her DH is under the same impression, he will learn more at an initial donor applicant appointment or can read up online to start with. https://kidneycareuk.org/kidney-disease-information/treatments/kidney-transplantation/patient-info-donating-a-kidney-living-kidney-donation/#test-length is a good starting point for the practicalities. I think that, so long as he does what he can do minimise disruption, this is his choice and not the OP's, but some reading will probably reassure her too.

You are asking your dp to ignore serous health of his potentially biological child in order to be around to help with childcare for his other child?

I'm glad you asked this @Clonakilla
I thought I must have missed something with all the talk of "a child will die if your DH doesn't do it".
The longest a person has been on dialysis is recorded as 43 years ( he's had 2 failed transplants in between) - and he's still going.
While a life on dialysis is not something anyone would rush to sign up for, it does at least keep someone alive while they wait for a suitable doner/kidney to arrive.

These things aren't ever easy and the child probably has someone in the father role. All that doesn't matter though, it just seems a bit rough to be told you have a child (that, morally, you should have been told about and given the chance to have a relationship with), have something this big asked of you, yet also be told you're also not welcome in their lives going forward. It would be more understandable coming from the boy and that door can just be left open if he is interested in future.

This may be one of those times no-one knows what they'd do or feel (even if they think they do) if they haven't been in that situation. I don't think there is a wrong or right decision for the DH. If he decides he doesn't want to put his own life or health at risk in donating due to responsibilities to the child he will have a relationship with, that is not wrong.