To not want dp to get tested to be a donor?

I was quoting you in my reply.

Why the inverted commas, is she not his mother?

You are about to give birth and everything in your world is centred around being prepared for that event with reliable support for your family from your DP.
So this shocking news is competing with your strong and determined baby mindset.

There is a lot for your partner to think about and it’s understandable you want this not to have come to light, especially right now.

If the child’s life is in danger though, I think your partner must act quickly to find out if he is a match even though the impact on your upcoming birth will be overshadowed by what your partner must go through.
Good luck OP. I hope you can adjust and find alternative support for your birth if your partner is unable to fully commit.

I say there must be more to this. I am not saying you are not right I just don't think the OP has all the onformation. She should talk to rhe child's mother before making a decision wehyher she supports her partner in donating a kidney, she might cone with a diefferent version or reason why she qasn't tested. Is reasonable.

That 'mother of a terminally ill child' won't even get tested!

You’re not wrong!

Who the hell is the victim here??? I only defend the mother of a terminally ill child. Stop the drama.

Wow that's a tough one for your DP. Unfortunately, it's not really your call at all. Bit puzzled about the mother not being tested though, have I got that right?

I think is fair to say the OP's stress has nothing to do with us!

More victim-blaming. By the OP's partner's reaction to go straight there, if he knew he had a son, he would have been in their life. He even said that himself. Women do tell men they've had an abortion, it happens a lot.

And, you still haven't addressed the mother's unwillingness to even get tested herself.

Maybe people should actually read the OP's posts before posting half-cocked, and stressing a 36 week pregnant mother!

Yeah, I'd take this with a pinch of salt or at least I would wait to hear both sides of the story first.

You seem angry, chill out.

Raised this kid since birth by herself? She spitefully told OP's partner that SHE HAD AN ABORTION!!!

DP was 18 when he was born, he was only with his ex for a few months and it wasn't even a “proper” relationship he said as he was going to uni a few months later. They apparently split up but his ex wanted to try long distance (even though he was Against it from the start), she told him she was pregnant and he basically said he'd support her but they weren't getting back together and she then told him she had an abortion and they didn't really have much contact after that as they had no mutual friends or anything.

Mother can't be bothered yet she raised this kid since birth by herself without any input from the father. Mother might have reasons why she is not tested question is how do they even know she wasn't already tested and she wasn't a match? Plus, if something goes wrong and mother doesen't wake up who will the child be left with if she is sole carer? I find it dodgy that tje father has a kid he knew nothing about even though he knew about the pregnancy. I say there is more to the story but in the end is his decision only.

Um, @keeponandonandon , how about you read all of OP's replies on here before posting.

The MOTHER can't even be BOTHERED to be tested and refuses to be tested, to save her own son! Why is the gaslighting and blaming the OP, a 36 week pregnant vulnerable woman, ok, but you don't hold the 'mother' to the same standards? Since you clearly missed it, from the OP: The mum hasn't been tested, no.

WHY HASN'T THE MOTHER BEEN TESTED??? Why is she refusing to be tested? Why attack a woman who is 36 weeks pregnant, with a child at home, wanting her partner to be well enough to be with her, when the deadbeat mother can't be bothered to be tested, herself? How about she get tested first? Huh? How about that?

The mother also kept OP's partner out of her son's life out of spite, and only contacts him now she wants something (that she isn't prepared to give, herself): OP says:

DP was 18 when he was born, he was only with his ex for a few months and it wasn't even a “proper” relationship he said as he was going to uni a few months later. They apparently split up but his ex wanted to try long distance (even though he was Against it from the start), she told him she was pregnant and he basically said he'd support her but they weren't getting back together and she then told him she had an abortion and they didn't really have much contact after that as they had no mutual friends or anything.

What a real charmer of a mother she is. A real beauty, aint she? Yet you're attacking the OP for understandably, wanting her partner with her during the birth of their child, and with their child at home.

Two things need to happen:
DNA test

Your DH needs to establish why this woman doesn’t want to test/donate her kidney to her son.

Then if DNA shows your DH is the father and a match then conversations need to be had.

Why don't you expect the MOTHER to get tested???? She can't even be fucken bothered! I'd be more worried about the mother's (lack of) compassion for her own son, than gaslighting and victim-blaming a 36 week pregnant woman!!!

Hence, the tests they have to make before.

I cannot believe your post OP, if my DH was a potential match for any child to be able to live, never mind his own child. I would absolutely encourage it. You are pregnant and have a toddler, yes it will be hard but you will survive. I would be upset to find out my DH had another child out of the blue but I would not allow my feelings around that and the fear I might not cope with a toddler and a new born influence whether a child dies or survives!

Put yourself in the childs mothers shoes or think about how desperate you would be if your child needed a transplant and a potential match refused because his wife felt it it be an inconvenience.

I’m staggered by your lack of compassion.
the details of how this kid came into the world are irrelevant in terms of him needing a donor.
of course your husband should be tested, I can’t believe there is a question over this, I’d my neighbours kids needed a kidney to live and I was a match id do it rather than watch a child die!!!
your DH wasn’t even with you at the time this child was conceived, I know it’s a shock but neither your husband and especially his son should be punished for this.
could you honestly live with yourself if you block this and the poor kid passes away??

Wow, what a shock! Firstly you have the news that dp has a son, and secondly you have this medical request. And thirdly you’re about to give birth yourself. Your head must be all over the place with what’s going on, and your head in turmoil.

I understand your misgivings and confusion nthough. It’s a major operation, resulting in the donor needing four weeks plus recovery time, at a time when you were counting on his support.

Why doesn’t the mother want to get tested? Why did the son think he was going to get a transplant before Christmas?

Did you read all of OP's posts on this thread? The son's OWN MOTHER is refusing to get tested! Surely his own MOTHER should want to get tested, first, before asking someone else to do something she can't be bothered doing.

The onus should be on the mother to be tested. It's quite telling that not only did she deprive her son of a father out of spite, but she won't even get tested to save her own son.

YANBU, your DP should tell the mother he will only get tested if she does at the same time. She wants your DP to go through the risk that she is not even prepared to do herself, and for her own son!

Edited to add that he should demand a paternity test too, at the same time. It sounds to me like he is being taken for a ride by this selfish 'mother'.

Jesus Christ. You’d potentially let a child die rather than lose your help after giving birth? You are a mother yourself. Imagine if you and your partner split up and your 2 year old needed a life saving transplant from him but his new wife was due to give birth and didn’t want him having surgery. Vile