To not want dp to get tested to be a donor?

👏👏👏. about time someone said this. the hypocrisy on the thread is breathtaking.

And to the poster upthread who said they would judge anyone not registered as an organ donor, I have a newsflash for you - since May 2020 we’re all organ donors unless we opt out. Being a living donor is entirely different, so unless/until you become one your smug judgement of OP is unwarranted.

What is your steak in this? Because for someone who knows nothing about this woman you seem awfully invested. Which makes me think that you’re involved here somehow.

So what is it?

Or are you the OP?

"Clearly the childs’ mother isn’t desperate enough to get tested herself. Surely that would be the first thing you would do as a mother ? "

There is most likely a medical reason why she cannot donate.

Why should the mother be a rubbish mother and get away with it? Why should a father with 2 children with OP risk his life for a kid he doesn't even know for a fact is his own?

How do you know the mother doesn’t have the same disease herself?

Oh that is even worse! A man is forbidding a woman to get tested, so she'd rather let her own child die, to hold onto a man? Yeah, sure.

OP is not forbidding her partner to be tested, she is exercising caution, and putting the needs of her children first. Which the mother should be doing herself. There is absolutely no excuse whatsoever for that mother not being tested. If there were any good reason, any good reason at all, she would have told DP.

You seem wildly over invested in this. You have no idea why the mother hasn’t been tested, and neither does the OP. All of the reasons for that would become clear on testing (and if he’s not the father he’s unlikely to be a suitable donor).

The mother has raised the child his whole life, including through most of his illness - you could criticise her for not telling the father, or could admire the fact that she got on with raising a child he clearly didn’t want, without burdening him - a man who didn’t consider they were in a ‘proper relationship’. She’s already tried all her brothers before coming to OP’s DP and I guess none of the would have done it if she ‘couldn't be bothered’. I think she sounds pretty stoic to be honest.

Oh come on! Any woman would risk their lives to save their child. And if it were a genetic thing, all the more reason she would have been tested! There really is no excuse at all for her not being tested. OP's partner doesn't even know if he is actually the father.

Maybe her partner has forbidden it. You know? Like the OP is happy for the child to die because she doesn’t want the father to be tested?

She will have her reasons. If she’s contacted people to be tested, if other relatives have been tested and she hasn’t, then there will be a reason why.

She may have health problems of her own which preclude her from being a donor altogether.

Given the DH and her were only together for a matter of months he won’t know anything about her, and therefore neither will the OP.

We don't know. It's either she can't be a donor or won't. If it's won't, are your he's suggesting that because the son has a rubbish mum, he should also have a rubbish dad?

Put yourself in the childs mothers shoes or think about how desperate you would be if your child needed a transplant and a potential match refused because his wife felt it it be an inconvenience.

Clearly the childs’ mother isn’t desperate enough to get tested herself. Surely that would be the first thing you would do as a mother ? Instead she’s contacted OP’s DP and revealed that he’s a father, after going out of her way to lie and keep the child a secret from him for his whole life. Something just doesn’t add up.

I'm appalled at the treatment OP is getting on this thread. She is having a child with a man who did not know he already had a child. That child, regardless of their health problems, is a stranger to both OP and her partner so of course she is going to prioritise her own child. Donating a kidney is no small matter and the surgery itself carries the same type of risk as any other surgery, including death.

It is heartening to see so many people insistent that saving a child's life should take priority over everything else going on in someone's life. There are between 270 -300 children waiting for organs, mostly kidneys, at anytime and anyone can investigate their suitability to become a living donor. Maybe all of those giving OP a hard time can put their money where their mouth is and solve the problem of children dying whilst waiting for organs.

https://www.organdonation.nhs.uk/about-donation/living-donation/

Paternity test first, if he isn’t the father, the issue goes away.

There are so many issues here.

For the people who are downplaying this by saying that people live for years on dialysis, while that is true, it is also a fact that people die on dialysis because it’s not sustainable, and it doesn’t work well for everyone. Dialysis only maintains stability, not health. A dialysis patient doesn’t go in for dialysis and come home and live a totally normal life. And if this child is in hospital, then clearly dialysis isn’t working as well for him as it would be hoped, and a transplant needs to happen sooner rather than later.

Being prep’ed for a transplant and it not happening is common, it’s called a false alarm. Assuming it was a deceased donor, the donor is identified, and then the tests are carried out to see whether the organs are viable, and sadly sometimes they’re not. I had two false alarms before I had my heart transplant.

With regards to the mother not being tested, there could be so many reasons why she hasn’t.

If the uncles have been tested and found not to be a match, is this because of a genetic condition?

Does the mother potentially carry the gene which has caused the illness? And if so, does she potentially have other children with the same gene and/or illness who could need a kidney as well in future, and therefore she’s not in a position to feel that she can give one to one and not the rest?

Or alternatively is she a single parent? And so if anything happens to her because of surgery what happens to her other children?

People are very simplistically labelling this woman as a bitch for not being tested, while sympathising with the OP for potentially having to look after a baby. Something which people have been doing for centuries.

And what about the bigger picture here? The OP has two children. These children are this boy’s siblings. So what are they going to tell them in the future? “You had a brother who died because mum wouldn’t let dad donate him a kidney”? Because that’s what it boils down to.

This child is nothing to do with the OP. Whether the father knew about him or not is entirely irrelevant. He may not have known about him then, but he does now. And if he wants to be tested to see if he’s a match then he, and only he, has any say in that decision.

Why won't the mother get tested? Why is she allowing her son to die?

So you want the poor kid to wait 6m and possibly die, just so the dad can be there for the potato stage where the baby can't move much, and mum is on mat leave, and then be recovering when it's the much harder older baby stage and potentially back at work!

Sorry if a reason has been given already but is there a reason why your DP hasn’t done a paternity test? I’m not saying that this boy isn’t his but I think he needs the paternity test to get his head around the fact that he has another son and then that may influence his decision to get tested as a donor.

Is it something he could do 6 months after the baby’s born? So he’s there for you both when it’s hard with a newborn. Is there a reason the mum hasn’t been tested herself? That in itself is strange. Is it worth doing a dna test to ensure he is his son first?

If he wants to be tested then you should not stand in his way.

It’s a big shock for you, OP, at a difficult time. However, this has happened and you’ve all got to work with it. Look ahead - if your DH says no to donating because you’ve pressured him to say no, then that’ll have implications for the rest of your lives together.
Much as this has thrown a grenade into your life, it is what it is. Try to embrace this new opening in your family set up.

Even though he was denied and lied to about this child's existence he wants to get tested. That shows the measure of your DP and he sounds like a great man.

I do think you're getting a hard time though OP. My cousin was a live donor for a kidney. It's major surgery with a long recovery and like anything there can be complications. This is one of those situations where its easy to say 'of course I would' but when the reality hits it's more complicated.

I'm also shocked that the boy's own mum hasn't been tested. What I'd also say is you don't go from being OK on Monday to needing a kidney transplant on Friday. He's obviously been ill for a long time and the mum had a chance then to contact your DP, let him know he was ill and give him the opportunity to be tested. This is such a sad situation and I feel for you all.

I said I didn’t want DH to be tested when his friend asked as he needed a kidney transplant (due to a long term undiagnosed high BP as a result of lifestyle issues which knackered his kidneys) as he has form for having major complications after minor surgeries, one instance of which he was still recovering from and there were still question marks as to why he reacted in such dramatic ways. I felt very guilty but it would have put his health at significant risk.

Completely different situation here of course; unless there’s a medical reason why he shouldn’t at least get tested I would say that this is something that he should do. If this child dies, how do you think he is going to feel for the rest of his life? Immense guilt I would imagine, and if you were the reason he didn’t go ahead I would imagine that anger and resentment would ultimately be pointed at you. Not at all good for your relationship.

I do sympathise with your concerns though. Giving birth, looking after a newborn, toddler AND an adult recovering from surgery would be incredibly tough going. Could you have a conversation with him about putting extra (paid if not available from family/friends) support in place for you whilst he recovers? A nanny or night nanny for the first couple of months? Some form of home help.

I repeat, all I am saying is that OP should have more information and an open discussion betweel all adults involved and medical staff should take place. This is a decision with potential life altering consequences so I completely understand the OP's abxiety she wants the father of her child by her side for a long time. But she can not make this decision unless she has all the information. Although she can support her partner one way or the other, is his call.

Bizarre if the child’s mum hasn’t been tested unless she also has kidney issues? In dps situation I would have a paternity test and would donate. He is involved now as he has seen how ill his son is. As a parent you would do everything possible to help your child. As his “son” is 13 I think k it’s quite normal to have the reaction to dp that he did. But it could well change in time. Gently op it’s not your decision but of course it affects you.

Oh ok, sorry