To not want dp to get tested to be a donor?

You also don't know that she does care. If she cared, she would have taken the test. Or, told the DP why she refuses to take the test.

One or the other.

This reeks of a scam. OP's DP should not get tested unless A) he undergoes a paternity test, and B) the mother takes the match test at the same time.

ETA that the son will grow up knowing his mother told his father she aborted him, AND refused to allow a father-son relationship, AND refused to get tested. So, I think her own behaviour will come home to roost far quicker than DPs/OPs.

I think thats pretty sound advice.
He's probably all over the place.

Son he didn't know about, guilt over not being there, anger at missing out on good times, then finding out about him in horrible circumstances.

He's probably traumatised himself. I think keeping out of it is for the best or point him in the direction of a councillor.
It needs to be the partners decision.

That’s exactly what he should do, but that’s not what you said: The time to decide that is after she has been tested to see if she’s a match.

You have no idea that the mother doesn’t care about the dying child. None.

But the OP doesn’t have to care. But she can at least own it.

The fact here though is that this child is her children’s sibling. One day they will grow up. And they may find out what happened. Because although the father doesn’t currently have a relationship with him, times change, things change. And if he dies because the OP talked him out of testing to see if he was a match then there’s a very real possibility that could cause resentment in their relationship. And if they split then the OP’s children will almost certainly come to know the truth when they’re older.

I would greatly encourage all those who think he should test / donate regardless to sign up to be a living donor:

https://www.organdonation.nhs.uk/become-a-living-donor/

You too can save a dying child's life!

If the mother doesn't care about the dying child, why is it the responsibility of the OP.

compared to a dying child? Not particularly no.

Women have been giving birth for centuries. Assuming she’s not going through a high risk pregnancy, she’s doing what women have always done.

Of course he should get tested, and donate if he's a match.

You don't think a 36 week pregnant woman, with no family around her, only her DP, and a child at home, is vulnerable???

No, that’s not what l’m suggesting at all. All we know is that she’s stated she hasn’t been tested. OP’s partner should clarify the reason for that because it may become relevant later on if he isn’t a match.

Not necessarily. Depending on what the medical team know about the child’s illness, e.g. whether it’s genetic passed from the mother’s side of the family may already determine that she’s not a match without having to be tested.

The uncles may have been tested because they may not have been genetically tested previously, whereas the mother likely will have been in order to determine whether she carried the gene, in order to know whether any other children she may have need to be screened.

So if it’s already known that she carries the gene then she will have been ruled out as a possible candidate without any testing. And bearing in mind that testing is the last bit, you go through a lot of stuff before you get to the carrying out the medical stuff stage.

Has your DP done a DNA test to ensure that he really is the father?
Maybe he could do both tests and then he's done the right thing.
I do understand your concerns OP, as the timing for you isn't great, but life has a habit of not turning out how we planned. No-one in this situation has chosen this. I hope it works out for all of you.

So they should test her if she’s already known to be unsuitable because of - say, cancer treatment, blood group incompatibility, kidney disease of her own?

Where has the OP said she’s vulnerable?

Thanks for sharing this. I believe people should register for these things - I am myself. The truth is that strangers are unlikely to match. In the OP’s case, he’s not a stranger, he’s the father. I suppose the mother could be lying but it seems wild to just pluck exes out of a hat and ask for a kidney, when the boy is just as likely to match with a deceased donor as a living stranger.

the hypocrisy on the thread is breathtaking.

Absolutely! People can tear strips of the OP, a woman with one child at home and about to give birth, but heaven help anyone defend her or tear strips of the mother!

The time to decide that is after she has been tested to see if she’s a match.

We don’t know that she didn’t, and she very obviously wants little to do with him so no, it doesn’t surprise me. It seems fairly logical on the info given that she wants to save her son’s life, so her not being tested is likely to have a logical explanation. There’s loads of common reasons someone can’t donate - from high blood pressure to diabetes. She may very simply have a non-compatible blood group, which she will already know.

It's your DH's decision to make. It's his body and his (potential) child.

I think he should be tested. And if a match go ahead with the transplant. Your role will be to organise all the support you will need for your child and then you and the baby if it turns out that DH is a match and will be undergoing surgery or recovering from surgery at the same time.

Yours is a short term timing issue and chances are you have other people who don't need to be a genetic match that could step in and help. The other is a potentially devastating time-sensitive catastrophe and your DH may be the only person who can help. Which one do you think should be prioritised?

It must be a massive shock for him (and you) but you can deal with the fallout from this news later once hopefully the boy is recovering.

Then she would have told the DP as reason for contact.

You know nothing about the OP yet you seem awfully invested in attacking a vulnerable OP about to give birth. Are you the mother?

You don't think you're being a hypocrite when your attitude is only the opposite of mine? Neither of us know the OP or mother.

"Oh come on! Any woman would risk their lives to save their child. "

The medical team involved may not be prepared to take that risk.

I call BS. She would have said if that were the case, as an intro into why she contacted the DP.

You don't think she wouldn't have told the DP if she did?

Wow. Being interested in a topic, and being upset at the way the OP, a woman about to give birth and another at home, is being abused for merely having concerns, is 'over invested', let alone wildly. You're being very hyperbolic.

If the mother cared at all, she would have got tested. There is nothing 'stoic' in being a deadbeat mother interrupting the life of a man who she told she aborted his child! Scum, is what I'd call her.