To not want dp to get tested to be a donor?

He and he alone has the right to that decision. Which is why the OP is getting a hard time. Because as things stand, he wants to be tested. And she’s trying to talk him out of it. And that’s not her place.

Lots of posters saying this. That the OP shouldn’t try to persuade him.

I’m not sure I agree. I agree that in the end the final decision is his, of course. But if I were in the DP’s position, of course I would want my wife’s input. I would want to know her view. I would need to understand the impact on her, that would be one of the factors I would take into account. I would make my own decision but it would include considering her view. It’s bizarre to me to suggest that she simply says “it’s up to you” without offering a view.

She isn’t pressuring him, she isn’t giving him ultimatums, shouting and crying, or coercing him in any way. She’s just saying she would rather he didn’t and pointing out the impact on her and their toddler and future baby. I think that’s ok.

So yep, as stated, he's not a meat sack filled with donor parts. Hacking out a kidney, just like any operation, can kill you. And there are long term psychological and health implications from having a functional organ removed. We have two for a reason.

It needs to be entirely his choice and he is absolutely NOT a bad person if he says no.

And of course he must get a DNA test first, anything else would be ludicrous.

As for OP she has absolutely every right in the world to be concerned, her fears are valid.

But she doesn't have the right to coerce him. And I did not, at any time, in any way, remotely suggest otherwise.

None of your comment is relevant to a single thing I said.

None of your comment is relevant to my comment in any way.

No - they won't test to see if you're a match if you have any condition that would make it risky to donate or make your kidney unlikely to do well for the recipient.

Matching is months into the process. You start by giving your medical history and your GP notes. Lots of people are disqualified at that point.

And they won't just take your kidney because you want to ignore the risks to you - surgeons can't do that. Any kidney isn't better than no kidney - a transplanted kidney can give you cancer or blood disorders if things aren't managed properly.

Most people, seven out of ten, who come forward don't qualify to donate a kidney, so it's not surprising if the mother can't.

Er, no, he needs to get a DNA test first. Don’t be so gullible.

Yes - if OP is now 36 weeks pregnant it's really unlikely they'd be doing this before the baby is six months.

If he's a great match and they don't need to find another pair, and no extra tests are needed, and the boy is already fit enough for the operation, you're still probably looking at 8 to 10 months and then you get a choice in the schedule. So people delay to suit things like exams, work, holidays, caring responsibilities all the time.

I doubt his donor team would want him supporting while the baby is very small, and certainly not around the time baby's due.

I agree with this, I think she would have donated if she could. What mother wouldn’t? And the fact she has tracked down the man she told she had aborted his baby shows she must be pretty desperate.

This.

But this is precisely the point. It needs to be his decision.

I absolutely agree that becoming a living donor is a personal choice and isn’t one everyone would feel equipped to make.

And if he decided he couldn’t go through with it then that should be respected.

However, no-one else deserves that same respect. He and he alone has the right to that decision. Which is why the OP is getting a hard time. Because as things stand, he wants to be tested. And she’s trying to talk him out of it. And that’s not her place.

But this whole scenario is invented. Of course it would be unethical to jump on him and pressure him into signing away his kidney without thinking. But you can't do that.

The testing process is about three things: your physical health, your match, and your consent to donate. They take you through the risks again and again. They respect your confidence. There is at least one interview with a psychologist, another with an official whose job is to make sure donations are voluntary, lots of advice and every opportunity to step away. You have a separate medical team. Mine literally never spoke to me about my recipient's situation, their risks or benefits - they were entirely focused on me.

So the testing isn't just, see if there's a match and cut out the kidney. It's about whether he's comfortable donating, and how it fits with his other responsibilities, and even whether he has family support. I think that one good reason for OP to support her DH for testing is that it will give them full information. For example, you learn your current and estimated future kidney function.

OP has written as if her DH is being pressured to donate now in a rush, but he wouldn't actually be allowed to, even if he wanted to. It's only a deceased donor kidney that could be transplanted that soon.

The OP’s a bad person if she guilts him out of being tested though.

A point worth considering.

Or we’re transplant recipients ourselves with a whole other perspective on what’s actually important here.

Many many people don't qualify for testing.

The first step as a potential donor is to fill out a full medical history, and details of this can disqualify you on the spot. It's a waste of NHS resources to go further and test if that happens, so they don't.

Only 3 out of 10 people who apply to be considered can go ahead. That's not including matching. It's just whether they are fit to donate.

So it's more likely than not that this woman just doesn't qualify.

Again, you have no idea about her situation whatsoever.

Where did OP say that?

She said she hasn't been tested, not won't.

I would say it's blindingly obvious that there's a medical reason preventing her from being a donor. Heart disease, kidney disease, lung cancer, breast cancer, diabetes...Why would she go to the effort of having her brothers test and then tracking down a random bloke that she clearly didn't consider fit to to be father beforehand other than absolute desperation?

Right. He's not a meat sack filled with donor parts. Hacking out a kidney, just like any operation, can kill you. And there are long term psychological and health implications from having a functional organ removed. We have two for a reason.

It needs to be entirely his choice and he is absolutely NOT a bad person if he says no.

I agree too. I assume all those who jump at OP's throat also regularly donate blood/plasma/platelets to save the lives of children treated for leukemia- otherwise they're massive hypocrites.

Then she'd get tested herself.

Nice. You have no idea what the mother is going through.

You don’t know she hasn’t said. All you know is that the OP has said she hasn’t been tested.

OP has only posted twice, and then only very briefly, so the OP isn’t exactly a reliable source here given she probably doesn’t know all the answers herself.

As for suggesting that the DP only be tested on condition the mother is, you don’t put conditions on things like that. Either he feels he wants to be tested, or he doesn’t. And the instant he puts pressure on the mother will be the instant she is turned down as a possible match, because one of the questions you are asked as part of the process is whether you are being coerced in any way, and emotional blackmail (either you get tested or I won’t) definitely counts.

It must be a terrible shock, it’s the sort of news anyone would dread hearing. Having said that, if he can save a child’s life then how amazing would that be? It doesn’t matter whether he is the father or not, he could save someone’s life. I’d let him have the tests because he might not even match.

I don't buy it. She would have said the reason why as the reason for the contact with DP. If it was something real like that, she would have said.

I think it's really cruel to tear strips off the OP for her being in a situation she didn't even ask for or expect, when she is about to give birth, all because she is rightly, wisely cautious.

Who said the mother doesn't care. Thats an extremely cruel accusation.
The mum might have been ruled out as a donor for her own health reasons.

I've had a blood transfusion I am not allowed to give blood, I'm guessing kidneys are the same.