To not want dp to get tested to be a donor?

I agree OP is NBU. Essentially, DP is considering becoming an altruistic donor. If paternity is established, this changes to related donor. Given the mother's unreliability as historian, I don't think it safe to assume the latter until proven.

Of course he must be tested. If he isn’t the father it’s very unlikely that he’ll be a match; if he is, he may save the boy’s life. Surely you can get some help in to cover for your 2-year old while you have the baby and recover?

The point is that no one should be pressuring anyone to donate organs. The child will presumably on the transplant list waiting for a deceased donor, who will be a stranger. Sharing DNA is no guarantee of a match. The OP is not at all unreasonable and the way she's been treated on this thread is shameful.

Of course he should test. I am not on the donor register but I would absolutely be a live donor for one of my children.

You would sacrifice his living son for some support with a new baby? Once the shock of this wears off he may well never forgive you.

Just reading the responses, I think it might be useful to point something out.

About 90% of the testing for a kidney transplant is about your own health and consent. They don't test for a match until after they've done all that, and you can stop any time. So apart from the DNA test, there's no need for DH to be doing his own investigations before contacting a donor centre.

This makes sense, because if you are healthy enough, you will almost certainly be able to go ahead and donate even if you aren't a match. They will use the sharing scheme and pair you up with other people waiting to donate. So almost everyone can be a match. But only 3 in ten are fit to donate.

A lot of people are familiar with bone marrow donation, but this works the other way around. Matches are much harder to find. So if you are on the bone marrow register, you'll be contacted if you're a possible match (very rare), and then asked if you are willing to do the health checks etc.

Most people could donate bone marrow with the right match, but they will hardly ever be matched. A lot of people though not most, 3 in 10, could donate a kidney. If they want to do that, they will almost certainly be matched.

So for kidneys, a full health screening, not a matching test, is what the NHS does first for kidneys and spends its time on.

This is something he needs to decide himself with no coercion either way. You've told him your thoughts so he can weigh that into his decision making. He should recieve counselling if he is a match and can work through his feelings with someone impartial. You need to keep in mind that if a child dies that he could have saved, that could be a life changing burden for him to carry forever. Don't put yourself in the position where he could hold you responsible.

gosh OP, that’s brutal news on so many fronts. In any event, he is your baby’s sibling. I think your dp should be tested

Agree. This isn’t the OP’s child, it’s his. I imagine if it were her child, she would want to get tested and wouldn’t give her partner the time of day if he told her he didn’t want her to

Do you not feel anything (for someone other than yourself) thinking that a child could die?

I'd be insisting on genetic testing, to include a paternity test, to ensure that I'd be eligible to donate at all, in the first instance.
Then I'd get tested.

If I refused, and the child died, I couldn't live with myself.

The child has done nothing wrong.

Why “son or not”? If it doesn’t matter whether it’s his son, then everyone who isn’t related to the boy should be tested. Including everyone on this thread.

Well the DP may well agree it’s a ludicrous reason and it’s hormones talking. Or he might not. The point is, it’s for the DP to decide how much weight he gives to her various concerns. It doesn’t mean she shouldn’t express her concerns at all.

That is likely to be the reason why mum hasn't been tested

yes, he absolutely should get tested. Son or not.

I'm assuming that the OP's fear is that she might be left widowed and her new baby might be left without a father. (As others have pointed out, the operation wouldn't happen straight away, but the OP seems to be under the impression that it would.)

If there is a chance the child has inherited the condition from him, they will screen for it and he won't be allowed to donate if he has it. No point transplanting a damaged or low quality kidney.

Donations only happen if you have two healthy high-functioning kidneys and no condition that would predict kidney disease or related problems. That's why only 3 out of 10 people who come forward qualify to donate a kidney to anyone at all.

The whole situation screams dodgy as heck, #1 thing is paternity test. Absolutely that before any donor testing at all.

WRT to donating the kidney - his choice but but but .... if this is a genetic condition it could well be he himself needs two because one of his may already be failing.

Yes, and they will take kidneys from women of childbearing age - just make sure they are aware of the risks.

I was reading the other day about a mother of ten in 1970s America who wanted to donate to her dying son in the early days of transplants, and was almost prevented from doing so because the medical panel thought she was prioritising him unfairly over the other nine. But there hasn't been a single person on this very divided thread who has said they wouldn't do this for their child, of course.

I found the advice and information offered by the NHS very sane and sober - absolutely no drama or guilt-tripping or assumptions. For anyone considering donating in any circumstances, it's no risk to make contact and explore the possibilities. You're in control every step of the way.

Not really, given that the donor assessment will provide him with all the information and counselling he needs before he can give informed consent. The donor process certainly does not treat people like meat sacks.

Probably, the mum might even be pregnant herself. Hence unable to be tested.

Because the obvious thing from Mums perspective would be to get herself tested first. But I also think you'd prioritise the living child over a possible child in the future unless she is already pregnant, has kidney issues or some other reason she's been ruled out.

What a rotten situation.

I think it's a good comparison.

And the good news is, it's a much less pressured situation. There is literally no way for him to commit to this until months have passed. (The months are mostly gaps between tests and appointments).

The commitment to ensure he's fully informed and comfortable in his decision is also given far more time and resources in this process.

I know its an odd comparison but its up there with abortion should 100% be the woman's decision.

It 100% needs to be the Dads decision. He might not give a toss, unlikely, but he might struggle with letting his son die without trying to help him.

That would be something he would need to live with for the rest of his life. In exactly the same way a woman may carry the guilt of abortion forever.

It's also recommended though not insisted upon that women have finished their planned families before donating. Pregnancy can be hard on the kidneys. So all other things being equal, a father is often the better donor for a young child.

She might not be shouting and crying but one of the reasons she gives for not wanting him to test for a possible match is that if he is a match and wants to donate, it might mean he won’t be much help while recovering and she’ll have a toddler and (possibly) a baby. I mean wtaf? That’s a ludicrous reason for not wanting him to test. By all means discuss the issue, it’s a big thing, but it has to be his unpressured choice alone. And frankly when the OP is already thinking about whether he can help enough while recovering, she’s making this far more about herself than him and his child.

The mother might have kidney disease herself even if its milder than her child, therefore not considered a suitable donor.

Nobody knows the mums reasons. Op probably don't know either.

I think Op was hoping people would say he should run a mile from the boy and his mum but he has another child to consider even if he didn't know it.