To not want dp to get tested to be a donor?

I understand how much of a shock this has been, and actually your concern about your family makes sense. However, there is a helpless teenager involved here.

If your partner is indeed his dad biologically, then it would make sense for him to be tested to donate, even though he doesn't know the kid, because it's still his kid. And it's not the young lad's fault that he said what he said to your partner; he is ill, young people have no filter, and remember he has either never known what it was like to have a dad or he already has a father figure (e.g. his mum's partner if she has one).

If your partner is the biological father, there needs to be honest discussions about whether the kidney issue has a genetic component so that your own children with your partner can be tested and/or monitored.

Horrible situation all round. Hope the rest of your pregnancy, birth, and postpartum period all goes as smoothly as possible. x

People like this on this thread write about donating an organ so casually, like they can just be handed around like a plate of cookies with no risk. The husband doesn't have to donate to the 13 year old if his investigations tell him it's not good for his own health, or for whatever reason is valid to him. Life isn't fair, it stinks the 13 year old he has been dealt this hand, but it happens. DH's life is as important as the 13 year old.

by saying the DH needs to keep his kidney because it might be needed for her baby, she is depriving the 13 year old of it, without a transplant the child is likely to die - so that's EXACTLY what she's saying.

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I think there's a huge difference between a stranger and your own child, even if they are a stranger to you. The vast majority of posters are saying that OP should not try to prevent DP from donating to his own child - the thread really isn't flooded with people claiming they'd donate to strangers.

It's natural OP would be shocked and worried, but she's going on very poor quality second-hand information, and I hope some of the facts offered on this thread have reassured her a bit.

Yes, I think this is very realistic. Of course the wife should express her concerns and a discussion had. It is ultimately the husband's decision. Neither decision is right or wrong, but it is good to at least gather information and then make a decision.

This. I absolutely do not believe them either.

Yes, of course it's ok. Coercion is never ok, but being worried and upset about your husband choosing to get a huge operation that will absolutely definitely affect you and your child and could have health implications for him is absolutely normal and fine.

There is not one single faux martyr hassling the OP on this thread that would do this. Not. One. In real life, very few would make the choice to donate a needed organ and have a serious life-changing operation for the sake of a stranger, even if they were your flesh and blood that had suddenly appeared out off nowhere.

I trust all those posters are on every donor list going, regularly contact hospitals to volunteer their kidney, lung lobe, liver lobe etc for unknown children who need them, and already donate blood and plasma.
(I don’t believe them either)

Yes, but many are saying they couldn't let any child die and would give their kidney. I don't believe them.

Even if they didn't, that's clearly not the same as not donating to your own child, whether he knew about him before now or not.

I am also too old for bone marrow. Before I was, I raised it with DP. We decided against, as we had already lost three immediate family members to early death and one life-changing injured, each in different circumstances, and had exceptional caring responsibilities.

I'd love to see some of the sanctimonious people in this thread put in a position where they have to put their money where their mouth is. I bet many wouldn't donate to neighbour's or random kids when the chips are down.

I meant generic you rather than you personally. But if you have a phobia it’s not minimal detriment to you, so it’s reasonable not to do that.

I’m also too old for bone marrow. 😭

I was replying to a post about living donation and saying people should register. I have a needle phobia so blood and bone marrow donation are out (I think I'm too old for bone marrow anyway) but I will donate most organs after death if they were any use.

No-one should feel they ‘have to’ no, but not all donation is organ donation. Blood, blood marrow, donation after death. If you can help others with minimal detriment to yourself, why not?

I wouldn't donate to a random either. Nobody knows what their own health will throw at them.

But this isn't a random its the man's own flesh and blood even if he didn't know it. He needs to make his own decision and is probably in complete turmoil.

No one should feel they have to register as a donor, especially a living donor. I don't have children and the only person I would even consider donating a kidney to is DH. He has adult children but he has health problems and I very much doubt he'd be able to donate but I wouldn't judge him even if it was his choice not to.

Son or not? Are you suggesting he should donate a kidney to some random child? I presume you'd donate to a stranger who contacted you out of the blue asking for a kidney?

That is all the more reason for him to go ahead with testing (which does not commit him to donating in the end).

It would also be reasonable for him to ask the mother if she knows whether the son's condition may be hereditary, and from which side if so.

But if his uncles have tested, there will have been discussion already of whether the condition is hereditary or not and whether the mother passed it down if so. So she probably wouldn't have got in touch if it's likely to be hereditary on the father's side.

Still, it's something that will come up very early in testing.

If there's any chance the DH may have three children affected by hereditary kidney disease, the sooner he and OP start to learn about the process and their own potential to donate, the better.

Indeed. On my mother's side of the family there is inherited polycystic kidney disease (it killed my maternal grandmother and her brother and two of my uncles).

When my older uncle was looking for a donor, my mother was asked. She refused, saying one of her children might need it. My uncle did receive a donated kidney via an anonymous deceased donor.

I don’t believe anyone is pressuring anyone to donate organs - for one thing that’s physically impossible on an internet message board!

You’re entitled to feel OP is not unreasonable. And others are entitled to feel the opposite. Shock is understandable, not wanting her DP to explore the possibility on the basis that she might need help with a newborn and toddler is not, imo, reasonable at all. It’s utterly selfish and ignorant of the process.