To not want dp to get tested to be a donor?

This.

Live kidney donation is a big deal, but it’s absolutely something he should explore if he wants to. He can speak to the transplant coordinator at the boys hospital to find out more about the process. Nothing will be done urgently - the tests will take weeks if not months. They will robustly assess his physical and mental health to check he is suitable to donate. Part of this will definitely be checking he’s the Dad - he’s highly unlike to be a match if not anyway.

There is support out there for would be donors. I registered as one myself for my husband and went through all the tests etc. it doesn’t have to be a huge deal for him. Just one step at a time

Presumably he's the father, the first thing should be a paternity test to be sure

Very much this. It's now possible he could have 3 children who could/will require a transplant. This is obviously a very complex issue.

The father has already got a child with OP, she’s expecting their second.

Are you absolutely sure he didn’t know @Born2 ? Among everything else I’d have questions over why the mother kept this from him for so long. It’s a a huge shock for you either way, so understandable you might need time to process.

It’s not your decision whether he tests or donates, but it would heartless to try to dissuade him. If someone else had the potential to save your child’s life you’d want them to, wouldn’t you? Regardless of the inconvenience.

YABU, irrespective of your DP being a father to a child he didn’t know about, he has the possibility of saving this child’s life!

This is life and death op .
You will cope ,,is having help with newborn really more important than potentially saving a childs life ,?
Let him get tested and take it form their .

You are willing to let a child die cos you think you won’t cope post partum?

It takes a long time from testing if you are a match to actually donating a kidney and there is lots of hoops to jump and lots of chances to back out. (And the recipient won't know why you back out either, eg if you dont match or changed your mind.) I think he should start the process. At 14 he will be a priority for deceased donors so might get a new kidney sooner than any live donation.

I can’t imagine a scenario where a parent wouldn’t want to help their child.
If it was your child that was ill op would you refuse to help them?

The kid is innocent. It's not his fault if his mum never told his dad about him; that's all on her. I know he shouldn't say things like he "doesn't need a dad", but again, he shouldn't be blamed. We hear about feckless fathers all the time, but it is absolutely not his fault if he didn't know, and if it was physically possible for me to be in his position, I would definitely do all I could to save my child.

It's understandable that you're reacting to a shock, but letting his child die would be appalling.

I agree about the paternity test. If he's not the father then there's no need for anything else and he doesn't have to feel guilty. If he is the father then he can find out the next steps, talk to the relevant medical professionals and have counselling.

It's his body and his choice.

You have zero right to interfere and try to pressure him to say no.

This is testing. If he's a match, he can donate a kidney and likely save a child's life. Hemodialysis is no fun and not much of a life.

It's not like he's going to die from donating an organ. What is your real problem with this, that he's possibly got another child out there?

You're going to have to step up and do more independently than you originally planned. But the shit is hitting the fan for this teen and your husband is doing the right thing. He can hire in home help.

Not your decision to make.

You should be supporting your partner with whatever he decides to do, I imagine this has been an awful shock for him.

YABU, anyone decent would do this. I get it's a shock, but in the circumstances you need to put that to one side. You can't stop your DP and neither should you try to.

Even if he is a suitable donor they won't be prepping him for surgery next week - given the unusual circumstances (of not knowing about his son) the transplant team should insist on time for him to reflect and discuss through the pros and cons. They have to make sure he's not being coerced & is actually the dad and not a random being paid for organ harvesting (this does happen). People can survive on dialysis for years although it's gruelling and has many complications. Someone has to be stable enough to have surgery. So this won't happen fast.

Removing a kidney is a bigger op than receiving one so it's not a minor procedure, but if I were you I would 100% be encouraging DP to be screened as a possible donor.

Very sad for you OP. While it was no doubt a shock for you all, I would've taken pride in the father of my children to be the sort of man who would try and help his son, a son that he knew nothing about.

Instead you react like this? As I said, I feel sad for you. I very much hope that they are a match, save a poor 14 year old kids life is something to be very proud of and I hope they manage to create some sort of good relationship going forward.

This is good advice. There will be a donation specialist service he can talk to as this is a very big decision for him personally as well as you both and also the son. As PP have said, it would be good for DP to understand more about the illness, is it genetic for example? What are the implications for both donor and recipient if it doesn't work out? Not all donations are successful.

In addition to all of this, DP has to process the fact that he thought he was about to become a father but is in fact already one. That's also a lot for everyone to deal with.
Please encourage him to access the necessary support to make the right decisions. None of us can do that for him

This is an underrated point - been together 3 years and have a 2yo. Blimey.

@dottymac God, a kid could DIE and you/your husband have a chance to stop that happening. Can you seriously live with that on your conscience

Not that simple. What if the condition is recessive genetic, inherited through the father (who themseld is not affected) and may also affect the baby OP/DH has or any of their other potential future kids. Dad’s just left with one kidney. This is an absolute minefield needing medical input, perhaps genetic testing and counseling. It’s not a ‘no brainer slam dunk’.

I presume the child's mother is absolutely desperate to find a donor.

With that in mind, I'd suggest a paternity test before anything else happens.

That is completely irrelevant to the child who has grown up without his father and now desperately needs him to step up. He has the chance NOW, potentially, to save his son’s life. He can’t blame the mother or anyone else if he doesn’t do the right thing.

YABU

He, the boy's mother, any other siblings and immediate family should of course be tested as viable donors.
She doesn't get to squirm out of it neither.

I knew a family where the mother was not a viable donor but the uncle was. And another where there were 4 children and only one could donate bone marrow to their sick sister.

This is what I was going to say. I would want to know the details of why this had happened.